Amanda: Failure Princess

wanderlust, regular lust, and a journey inside the mind of a suicidal 5th grader.

despite the fact that i am virtually unemployed and absolutely broke, i am currently, in my mind, planning my one-year anniversary getaway with joe at the end of july. i've been dying to go to vegas lately, and this summer we are most definitely going to make a trip to portland, but where i really want to go is somewhere i have never taken anyone i was dating before and that is to my childhood home away from home, pismo beach, ca.

when i was a kid my family went to pismo almost every summer. pismo beach is north of los angeles, on the central coast, so even in august, the weather is usually very mild. one of the funny memories i have of visiting there as a child is that the hotel we always stayed in had no A/C in the rooms, as it never really got that hot. i thought that was SO INTERESTING, which is hilarious to think of now. what a so. cal girl i was/am!

in the research i am doing to find us the perfect romantic hotel, many of the reviews i am reading are by parents and they always obviously comment on whether or not the hotels are "kid friendly." as i'm reading this i'm thinking, "UGH. kid-friendly = no" which is kind of ironic as it is a place of childhood nostalgia for me. the things is, as i'm sure i have mentioned before, i was a weird kid. my memories of pismo are definitely pleasant, or i wouldn't be dying to go back there, but they are a bit somber. each year we stayed at the sea crest resort motel, which is on a cliff overlooking the pacific ocean. to get down to the beach you have to walk down two long flights of rickety old stairs. at the top of the stairs there was on old bench where you could sit and watch the ocean. in the morning it is quite grey, and the sunset is beautiful. i would sit there for hours looking out at the sea, thinking that it would be nice if it came all the way up and swallowed me whole, and wondering how long it would take anyone to notice if i climbed the tiny fence and propelled my chubby kid body over the side of the cliff. yes, even then, i was a good time. in truth, i am exaggerating a bit. i mean, not about the early thought of suicide, that's all true, but that's not all i thought about. i would sit there and write little poems in my notebook, try to look for selkies, wonder if i would ever sit there with someone i loved, etc.

i guess in many ways pismo beach is where i nurtured my writer's heart. my grandpa nurtured my mind as a writer, but the heart, it seems, is so often born in a specific place, and mine rose out of those murky green waves, wrapped in seaweed, encircled by gnats, strange, but strong enough to withstand being cast against the rocky coast, gnashed by broken shells, and poked by the irreverent sticks of beachcombers.

which leads us back to my vacation. i really hope this happens! i would love to go back there and take joe, especially if we can stay in a suite with a hot tub. i don't care what kind of job i have to get to afford this, there are sand dollars that need collecting, clam chowder to be eaten, and conservative people to possibly irritate with our gay passions! i'm kind of in a state of confusion because supposedly the resort motel (LOL @ that name) we used to stay at has become a big time dive, and thinking back, i do remember there being a lot of other kids there, but that's where all of my memories are. on the other hand, the last time my fam went, a few years ago, we stayed at this great place right on beach level (no stairs) that had private hot tubs on every balcony, which was not too thrilling staying in a room with my cousins, but i think it could be a little more interesting this time around. then there are a ton of other romantic-sounding hotels. hmm.

in case you can't tell, i am obsessed with going on vacation. it's a combo of a lot of factors that don't really make a lot of sense and even seem a little weird/gross together, but if you can name a time when i have given in to not wanting to sound weird/gross you will win a prize, so here goes:

1) i'm tired. i sleep better on vacation because there is no real point in staying up all night unless i am out drinking in which case i pass out like a rock. also, usually i have to wake up at a semi-decent hour so as not to be wasting my whole vacation sleeping and/or because of others. this is good for me because otherwise i will sleep all day. that's what happened to me last time we went to portland because i brought my computer, we were staying in a windowless basement room, and we really had nowhere to be for two weeks. that vacation was fun but it made me more tired than relaxed for that reason.

2) since joe is out of classes for a few weeks i feel like i myself am on vacation from school/work, when truly i am simply a loser with no life skills.

3) we seriously had some of the hottest sex i have ever had in my entire life on tuesday night. i am basically trying to think of all the places in the USA we could re-create/one-up that sex. it's quite simple, really.

4) the beautiful weather in l.a., strangely, makes me want to go somewhere else with equally beautiful weather. not really to get out of l.a. (obvs.), but because i want to be somewhere i can smell suntan lotion all day and wear a robe that isn't mine as opposed to being like "wow, what a great day! well, back to craigslist/traffic/my mom's house."

5) when i really think about it, i miss family vacations. the last one we took to pismo beach, about three years ago i think, was the last that the whole family will have ever taken together. since then, my aunt's husband john died, my grandpa's alzheimer's is way too advanced to travel with him, and my grandma, while in good health, can't walk around too much. i would still love to go away with my mom, aunts, uncles, and cousins, but it's hard for everyone to leave at once because of my grandparents. a bunch of them went to oxnard last summer, but i couldn't get off work. hopefully this year, maybe they will do something and i will be able to go.

in closing i would like to tell you all i'm not some crazy glutton for punishment when it comes to wanting to go to the site of my childhood gloom. as i mentioned, pismo beach also has some great memories for me, like eating fried clams at the splash cafe, waking up early to collect sand dollars and shells with miranda (if you don't get them early, they get crushed by runners on the beach), the time my good friend (you know who you are) came on vacation with us and peed on a lounge chair by the pool, the little punk record shop where i bought my first 7 Year Bitch cd, and nini (my aunt) being so happy and radiant in those times.

of course, pismo is also where i lost my first true love... my stuffed animal pig wilbur, whom i insisted upon bringing then left there carelessly. i will never forget him, ever. just don't tell joe.

nothing could be finah than a weekend spent at dinah...

and the new ways to reference dinah shore keep a-comin'.

alright, here's the story, i can't seem to think of a damn thing to write about dinah shore. it was an amazing experience on the whole, though terrifying and overwhelming, but the fact is i spent a lot of time bonding with my friends and not nearly enough observing the curious species that is the "mainstream lesbian" in her natural habitat, which was my original goal. i did get some pretty great pictures of randoms, got to hear betty, the band that is responsible for the awful L-Word theme song, perform live at the pool party, and met dani campbell from "a shot at love with tila tequila" (okay, by "met" i mean "stalked with my camera"), but perhaps the mini-highlight of the trip was at the very end when we were all waiting for vanessa at our cars. suddenly, a few cars away, we heard "apple bottom jeans, boots with the furrrrr" blasting and were invited to a parking lor SUV party by some very friendly middle aged lesbians from god-knows-where. we all started having a crazy dance party and they were serving us cocktails of vodka and vitamin water (shaken. seriously, in a shaker)!!! it was amazing. it basically sums up the spirit of dinah perfectly.

my friend vanessa took that picture when she got back and found the crazy scene. below are some of my favorite pictures from my photo story, which i have posted on my Flickr account. the link will lead you straight there. please go see them! there are many more and the way they are posted there/the captions are how they were meant to be viewed. i recommend the "details" view to read the story, then clicking on them for a closer look.

spring breaking...



moof's bedtime was drawing near and we hadn't even left for the white party!



wait, no one wears white to the white party... RIGHT?!?!?



his is not my lesbian lifestyle.



the hat gives her an edginess. it says "hey, i'm so down with you dykes. it's all good!" well, that's what Five Years Ago told her, anyway.



like a kid in a candy store! except replace the word "candy" with "body paint and razor burn."



kp and ajai added a touch of class to the joint.



i need to call my travel agent, asap.



define "proud."



cause this is makin' me feel PRETTY DARN PROUD!



my first mullet of the evening. the first time always hurts the worst.



but by the second time, it kind of starts to feel... good. not a mullet virgin anymore!



seriously, were they giving these hats away at the door?



this is but one photo in the milk and banana dance-off saga. please see my photo story for the juicy... milky... details.



THIS is what we came to see people! femme on femme action.



day two: the lovely doral pool. vanessa says it will be slicked over with butches' hair gel by noon.



okay, small detour at the babeland booth. matchy matchy!



melissa and michelle (who took the awesome pic above)



one of many times i "shot" dani campbell. get it? GET IT?



baby d saying goodbye to that veggie burger and her dinah virginity.



night two: amy, crazy eyes, vodka in paper cups, lesbian charter bus... yeah, i'm pretty sure this pic is what i want etched on my tombstone.



ajai and sheldon by the pool sunday.



anna la chocha, maker of the fabulous short documentary about dinah shore weekend, "A Lez in Wonderland", tries to get a signal at the babeland booth.



bobbi with yuki of tokyowrestling.com, a japanese queer culture website. very awesome!



i wish i had been more like this lady. it's really nice to see that some lesbians did not let the weekend go to waste and really worked on their self-expression and art...



cheers to that!

as you all can see, i had a FUCKING BLAST! the weather was gorgeous, our hotels were lovely, i didn't get too drunk, didn't have too much life ruining drama, got a pretty amazing tan, and even met some amazing new people. i was supposed to leave on sunday but i ended up staying an extra day because we were invited to this gorgeous mansion where we swam in a heated pool and hot tub, ate delicious thai food, and watched anna's documentary. if you can get your hands on "A Lez in Wonderland" you must, as it is LOL funny whether you've been to dinah or not.

i guess that's all. i missed joe like crazy, but i don't have to tell you guys that. it definitely reminded me why i appreciate my little queer corner of the world in los angeles, all of my awesome friends, and my beautiful boyfriend, who isn't a lesbian, but doesn't mind if i am sometimes.

for some more dinah related laughs, check out my friend vanessa's blog about it on myspace. she definitely got to witness parts of it that i missed, i.e. the hard work, the being recognized as a famous lezzie (VANESSA FROM CURL GIRLS!!!!), lesbian fights and tears, way more boobies, and chicken wings (don't ask, just read). i also want to thank her so much for her hard work and for giving us (her friends) a purpose for being places like dinah beyond debauchery. a special thanks to her, sujey, and bobbi, for making the weekend fun for everyone, including the less-fortunate. so much love, so much FUN! i'm already thinking about next year... kill me now!

Teaser for, "Alez in Wonderland"

swimwear scare

so this will more than likely be my last post before dinah shore. there have been numerous bumps in the road on the way to getting me there, and surely i will encounter many more, but i am looking forward to this lesbian spiritual journey.

oh, and by "looking forward to," i mean "in a state of absolute panic about," as that is my nature.

although this weekend is set to be the first time i have appeared in a bathing suit since 1989, i had virtually abandoned the fear of looking like a beached whale in public because a) most of the women there will be terrifying mullet lesbians in cargo shorts and i don't really care what they think, b) while i do care what my friends think, i figure if they do think any cruel thoughts, they will be nice enough to keep them inside, c) i have a boyfriend waiting at home who loves me and thinks my body is beautiful, and finally, c) a more accurate description of the garment in question, as opposed to "bathing suit" would probably be large, black tent.

in fact, i could have probably saved a healthy penny if i just skipped the chase and went straight to home depot, but as luck would have it, i spied a decent-looking impostor of swim garb during that fateful trip i took with my mother to kohls. it is actually kind of cute in a retro fat lady way, black with brown polka dots, a tie at the chest, and a little skirt. i'm so self-conscious i normally don't even bother with bathing suits and just wear little shorts and a tank, but i have been to a few pools where they won't let you swim that way and i didn't want to take any risks. sometimes i just sit in the sun and don't swim, but in palm springs i will need to get in the water!

well, if you were reading closely, you would know that although i previously decided not to be apprehensive about this bathing suit business, i am now kind of really dreading the whole thing. i officially haven't been as fat as i am now in two years and i don't really know what to do with myself. i still feel the same most of the time, and it's only when i am trying to get into some of my older clothes or see myself in a photo that i realize things have changed. still, i don't know if i can really relax in public in a bathing suit, albeit the worlds' least-revealing, least-sexy one.

sometimes it is sexier to leave things to the imagination, but i think people who say that one-piece bathing suits are sexier than bikinis have the picture on the left in mind, while my bathing suit looks a little more similar to the one on the right. oh dear god, what have i got myself into? my road to a healthier weight and body (thanks queen latifah for the inspiration!) is well underway, but i don't feel good about how i look at all right now. is it really the best time to go on a vacation that will include thousands of half-naked lesbians? probably not, but there is no turning back now.

well, goodbye for now dear readers. wish me luck! i will return with tons of photos and hopefully lots of great stories to tell.

welcome foreigners, and not so much

so my friend amy was in australia like, FOREVER and she finally came back right in time for my birthday. she brought with her gifts of comedy and inspiration, including season 3 of the hit comedy show from australia "kath and kim," which i had been meaning to check out since i heard there was going to be an american remake of the series on nbc starring molly shannon and selma blair. the show is basically about the misadventures of a tacky mother and daughter team named kath and kim. after watching it i have two things to say: 1) HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! oh my god, this is pure hilarity. it takes about fifteen minutes into the first episode to understand what the hell they are saying and adjust fully to the aussie humor and then you are in for a fabulous treat. i have to watch it on my laptop because it's reagion 4 (annoying) but if you have the chance and you haven't seen it you need to get your hands on this. 2) selma blair as the daughter kim??? no, this will never do. i like selma a lot actually, but it just seems all wrong. i can just picture how she is going to attempt to play tawdry and unseemly, and i just can't see how it's going to work. i mean, it would be great if it does though. everyone on the internet who knows the show, particularly the australians, are wailing about it. i tend to agree that american humor doesn't always have that special zing, but after you have read "OH MY GOD NOOO THE AMERICANS ARE GOING TO RUIN IT LIKE THEY RUINED THE OFFICE!!!!!!" a million times it does start to hurt one's feelings, patriotic or not. anyway, i like the american version of "the office." it's funny. still, i don't know how i will feel about "kath and kim" without the aussie accents and kylie references.

in other foreign affairs news, i have finally got my hands on a pack of yakult, a probiotic drink sold in asia, europe, and mexico that has recently started advertising on us television. as soon as i saw the commercial i was intrigued, and then i read a bunch of reviews online and it sounded great. it is supposed to help balance your digestive system and support immune functioning. i decided to buy it when i saw it at the ralph's in silverlake, even though i am trying to avoid unnecessary sugars and this is basically a shot of sugar, dairy, and good bacteria. i read that it tasted really good, but i found it only alright, so if i don't notice an improvement in my health i don't know if i'll buy it more than a couple of times. i am obsessed with these tiny yogurt type drinks because i had one when i was in europe more than ten years ago and i still haven't forgotten it. it was weird but tasted really yummy, but i can't remember the damn name... oh well.

all this talk is just making me want to travel. i have never been to australia, anywhere in asia, or even mexico! unless you count that time my friends and i drove down to san felipe, but that's baja, so i don't know if it does. we did get pulled over by the terrifying federales (police) and get hideously stomach sick when we got home, but i refuse to believe that is the gist of the mexican experience! after all, i am half mexican! today, beirut's "postcards from italy" came on my ipod in the car and i was imagining joe and i driving around on a cobblestone road in some hot, seaside town with the windows down. i would be in heaven! in actuality, we were driving the cats home from the vet, the new kitten having crapped in it's carrier, with the windows down to air out the car. still, it was a kind of heaven. i love running errands with joe, and today was a beautiful l.a. day with perfect weather.

oh yeah, joe's sister got a new kitten and she is absolutely gorgeous! the only problem is the little kitty came with a little gift known as ringworm, which is not as bad as it sounds, but still unpleasant. it's not a worm at all, but a skin fungus that causes an actual red ring to form on infected areas of the skin. luckily joe's sister only had one mark, but i recognized it right away from the epidemic my ex roommate caused when she refused to admit her newly adopted persian cat (which was in actuality a mangy bag of bones and teeth) caused her, our other roommate, and every single person who came over except for me to get ringworm. this even though everyone said it HAD to be the cat because they are the most common carriers! eight months after the epidemic began, she finally took the cat to the vet to get the shampoo and it ended. to this day it is a real mystery how literally everyone who even set foot in our house got it except for me. at first we all had a theory that mexicans must be immune, but then slowly all of my other mexican friends got it too and i was still the only one to not. if it doesn't appear on me this time, i will be convinced of my super-immunity, because i have been loving up that new little fuzzball like crazy! it makes me itchy just thinking about it, but we got the anti-fungal shampoo for both the cats and the human cure is as simple as athlete's foot cream, so i'm not going to panic. it's very common, but i can imagine it does feel strange to have something foreign living on your skin, even if it's just a fungus and not a worm.

i guess that's about all. i am obviously able to think of little else other than wednesday and the project runway finale! victoria beckham is one of the guest judges, so as you know i will be entranced for the hour. i'm actually really nervous that my man christian might not win, because rami's collection could turn out really great and jillian has always been consistently good. i can't stand her, though, she puts me to sleep. she reminds me of one of those overly-confident nerds with no friends i always hated in school. i myself was your good old-fashioned humble, self-deprecating nerd. and look at me now! oh, wait....

bring on the leaving on unnecessary lights in every room!

holy sunshine in winter, i'm BACK in los angeles! there are many things i love about this city, things that a lot of people don't understand, but one thing everyone can agree on is the weather being fucking AWESOME. it was gorgeous out today.

portland was FAB, mostly because of all the amazing people. well, like, my friends i mean, and joe's. still, i am glad to be home, as it was longgg trip. we stayed with one of his friends who was SUPER amazing. it was rad because we had our very own room in the basement, but what was not rad was that i was forced to learn that it is a fine little line between "living green" and "third world conditions." first, there was the whole "having central heating we don't use" thing, then the "it saves water to not flush every time and just pee on each others' pee over and over again" thing... look, i love mother earth as much as the next person, but i also love my extremities not going numb and not getting other people's urine splashback on my ass. i am high-maintenance, though, so i've been told. mind you, i am overwhelmed with gratitude for the hospitality, totally respect the lifestyles of others, and they did flush after they took a shit. plus our basement room had a space heater so really it was quite cozy.

except the way i was awakened the last morning we were in town. hey guys, what's worse?

a. being awakened from your slumber by loud, thundering music from overhead,

b. choice a. but also the culprit is some dude who actually LIVES in the house you're staying in as a guest so there is nothing you can do about it, or

c. choice b. and also the music is fucking STONE TEMPLE PILOTS!

*taps foot* well?

and AND i only saw like, THREE tvs the whole time we were there and two of them had no antenna for even local channels, and only one had cable (THANK YOU VERA AND NIKI! oh, and oprah, thank you for the jeans buying tips).

no, really, i am totally totally kidding, everyone was extra-nice to us and it was a very nice vacay. it was almost like just living there for two weeks. good times. more on pdx and a few pix next week. i'm also working on a new blog project. it's kind of silly and personal. but i'm going to share it with you soon, so lookout!

oh, and jk also about the unnecessary lights thing, that's my total pet peeve. ugh.

weather the weather

it may seem as though i have always been the delicate flower i am today, but this is far from true. when i was little, i used to run around and climb trees, loved making mud pies, and had more scrapes on my knees than just about anyone. i don't know what happened to that person, but i would say the last thing i climbed for pleasure was probably joe, the only "mud" i currently want to be associated with includes the word "mask," and the most serious injury i expect to incur any time soon is rug burn. it's a pity, really, since i think i am naturally a rather hardy creature, but i have to succumb to the fact that at present i am ill-equipped to deal with such things as "temperature changes" or "making small but important decisions." this makes traveling hard.

we are still in portland, currently. we leave thursday morning. while i love this city and my friends here so much, i am definitely starting to feel homesick for l.a.

spending the new year here was a wonderful idea, as it eliminated any need for me to panic about which party to attend. i knew exactly where to go because my friends vera and aubree were djing there. we got there somewhat early and started to settle in, chit-chatting with the fabulous beyond belief niki, gf to the max of vera (dj automaton) and mastermind behind the clothing line luxury jones. i was on the dance floor, minding my own biz kissing joe, meeting his best friend nikki (note the difference in name spelling for future ref), who is my new favorite person, and some other peeps when WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK my ex walks into the party! seriously, this was a wtffx moment... yeah, i totally invented a new internet word. aren't there laws against things like this happening on one's vacation? it's not like i HATE my ex or anything, and i guess in theory i should have expected this since my ex just moved to pdx and this was "the biggest queer party in town," but still, i say wtffx! it was jarring, and i would like to say i smiled, walked across the dance floor, and said hello, but no, that would have been too easy and dignified. instead, i hid, first in joe's mouth, then behind joe, then upstairs in the "VIP area" aka hostess' bedroom. yikes.

what really threw a wrench in my night though, was that the party was HUGE, almost too big to mingle if you didn't know a bunch of people and too crowded to dance. even the outside area was teeming over with lesbians. to my delight, just before midnight, i met beth ditto of the band the gossip (need i even link? i think not.) now, around these parts, she is generally referred to as "my friend beth" or "oh, hey beth" or even "beth," but i am not ashamed to say that i have admired this woman (who is the same age and, as we discussed, astrological sign [pisces biatch!] as myself) since the very first time i ever saw her band play in like... maybe 2000? they were touring with legendary bands bratmobile and sleater-kinney (who were headlining) and as the opening band, they simply blew the whole show out of the water. i have seen them several times since then and will continue to as often as i can. beth is truly an amazing performer, role model and, i am pleased to report, HILARIOUS and NICE PERSON! how refreshing to meet someone you think is totally awesome from afar and have them actually be... totally awesome. it was the perfect midnight, sharing champers with beth ditto and her fab boyfriend freddy fagula, and kissing my fab boyfriend joe. minus the panic and the whiskey in the middle. eesh. shortly after that we left the party because, as i said, it was WAY too crowded and smelled like b.o.

still, all in all i say it was a success. i feel kind of dumb about the whole "hiding from my ex" thing, but i think my ex probs didn't want to see me there any more than i wanted to see my ex, so it was for the best. time heals all wounds, as they say, but i am pretty cross with my ex at present because the time before the last time we broke up, my ex defaced my 2nd fav black jacket with the words "CRUEL LIES LYING BITCH" in sparkly blue acrylic paint (wtf?). mostly, i was mad because of the color choice... otherwise that jacket might have been kind of hilarious to wear around town, but the color is really hideous. anyway, that was a long time ago, but i am re-mad because it's winter now and my real fav black jacket got stolen from my car when ajai's purse got stolen and now i have a grand total of ZERO black jackets. sad. the one that got stolen was actually the best jacket ever. i got it on ebay years ago, but i saw a girl wearing the white version a few weeks ago! it even had the same "grapevines" brand. it was nylon, kinda members only-ish but girly with a popped collar, puffy piping, and pleated at the back. if you find one like that in black or any color i guess, please let me know! or also let me know if you know how to get year-old acrylic paint out of a similar nylon jacket.

SHEESH! the things i go through!

in conclusion, i would like to say goodbye portland. you were a wonderful host! i love your people, plethora of queers, and your variety of delicious foods, but i do not love your rain and the fear that at any moment i will say something to offend a hippie, therefore it is back to l.a. for me, for now. i will miss you terribly, but i will post the (few) pics i took here when i get home and i will be back in the summer. to los angeles: i'm coming home home homo! be ready with a bottle of vodka of the gods, a dance party, and the lust to kick long beach's ASS at lesbo basketball!

on books and boyfriends

i feel like it's almost absolutely necessary to keep in my regular tradition of NEVER writing and then writing about a bunch of stuff that doesn't really fit together, so that is what i am going to do.

well, for now anyway, because as i mentioned previously, i have quit my job and am going to be having a LOT of free time on my hands to do such frivolous things as write, take classes, and you know, pursue my dreams. it's going to be alllright. today (friday) is my last day at work and i am unbelievably excited about that fact. i already made appointments with my eye doctor, dentist, and bikini waxer. i am going to be the most well-groomed hobo ever! YAY!

in case you don't know, i am well-aware of the political incorrectness of the term "hobo" but i just finished reading fannie flagg's fried green tomatoes at the whistle stop cafe. it makes me feel kind of like a moron to say this, but this is one of those ultra-rare cases when i think the movie is just way better than the  book. in fact, i was actually pretty disappointed by the book. j promised me it was going to be way more lesbionic than the movie, and while it was a little more intense, the characterization was just not there for idgie and ruth. the same is true of all the other characters. plus, i feel like it is borderline racist. maybe that is the whole point and it was radical for the 80s, but i just wasn't feeling it. all it made me want to do was see the movie. goddamn, that's good movie. i did like the added character development of smokey lonesome (the hobo) in the book though. i always liked that character in the movie.

omg, speaking of movies, i REALLY want to see that new vampire movie coming out called "30 days of night," but as you know, death-by-vampire is my second most-feared means of death. i don't know, i am just sooo curious though. it looks very interesting but way too scary!

i saw about a million commercials for it last weekend when j and i went to palm springs for my friend moof's bday. she rented this GORGEOUS resort-like home and we just relaxed and swam and ate for two days, it was amazing. i also got sucked into the strange and wonderful world of cable tv and watched the entire cycle 6 of america's next top model. i was in HEAVEN. the on saturday night j took me out for a nice filet mignon in downtown palm springs. this was our first vacation together and also marked the first time we have had sex outside of l.a. county lines. well, once he rubbed me out in the car on the way home from orange county, but i didn't come until we got to long beach, so i don't think that counts.

yes, i said he. j has a female body, identifies as neither gender, and prefers male pronouns. if that definition sounds a bit rehearsed coming from my foul little mouth, that is because that's what he told me to say when people start asking all kinds of questions about me dating a boy. to me, he's just the best time ever. also, he is crazy hot, great in bed, and smells good. last night he asked me formally if i would be his girlfriend and duh, i said yes. i was terrified at first when we met because it all happened so fast and i was finally becoming used to the idea of being alone and wanting to sleep around and just being the all-around poster party-girl. then i met him and we connected from that first night. j is the perfect combination of giving and demanding. he knows how to talk me down from my (daily) ledges with a firm yet gentle voice, he watches america's next top model with me, and he actually loves and enjoys giving back rubs. at the same time, he also grabs my ass and objectifies me in public sometimes because he knows i like it, communicates effectively with me when he needs something or has had enough of something i need (like ANTM), and is such that i want to please him in any way  i can. the other day, i found myself straightening up his room and realized i surely must be in love because anyone who has seen the way i live knows that it is a grand expedition in any room i inhabit to even find me a matching pair of socks. sexually speaking (haha), i have never enjoyed giving this much before. then again, i have never slept with someone i was this into before. it's pretty much totally awesome.

i dunno, i guess this mushy stuff is all pretty boring to you guys. i love writing funny stories about my shitty life as much as you love reading them, and i don't want to jinx things between j and i (there will be/have been complications and frustrations), but i just feel like nothing can really take me down right now. it's silly, i know, and i don't really believe anything lasts forever, but this is the first time for a really fucking long time that i have wanted something to last forever, have wanted anything real at all, in fact, and i'm not going to take this feeling for granted. trying not to sabotage it, on the other hand, is a whole separate challenge for me. a daily struggle, but i have chosen to take it on.

this weekend, i am going to enjoy our first weekend of official coupledom, hang out with a lot of friends, old and new, and get ready for the no-work week. so sweet.

gay roots, hoots, and fruit suits: san francisco pride 2007

this post is going to be mostly pics, as i am tired and my brain is filled with little fuzzies.

so we headed out on the road at around 11:00 a.m., two hours behind schedule! in our car was myself, ajai, kp, vanessa xkiller, and a whole asshaul of her sew gay t-shirts. sew awesome. we dubbed our car "team something special" and occupied ourselves for the first few hours by listening to the likes of hot chip and r. kelly's "feelin' on yo booty." down the road we met up with amy caron, van, bobbi, and deanna, who we would later come to know as "team jameson party" car. we were munching it up at in 'n out when lo' and behold, "team illegal substances" car shows up. ahhh, lesbians love vegetarian-friendly, mid-range fast food joints! what fun!

clockwise from left: kp, hedo, tina, ajai, deanna, bobbi, van, amy, and vanessa. not shown: me, duh.

we rolled in around 7 p.m. after a long day of driving and filming screen tests for our docu-drama "full moon/flower pussy/why doesn't anyone make fun of kp or vanessa?" (working title), then changed, made a few drinks, and headed out to the lexington for one drink before going to hot pants where my dear friend vera (dj automaton) was spinning an early set. long story short there was a brief fiasco, ajai and i missed the lex, and by the time we got into hot pants we were ready to party. a little too ready. one of the last things i remember about being there was taking two jagermeister shots out of tiny plastic cups. everyone said the dancing part was fun, but i don't remember anything after vera's set (which i danced my ass off to. so great!). the pix from in there suck because i was hammered and over-stimulated. then there are a bunch of us on the street trying to get a cab to go to this afterparty, finally giving up and walking to a mysterious van someone supposedly had waiting, then getting into the back of said van and drinking a bottle of jack. wtf?

vanessa about to unleash a world of schoolin' on the sf dance floor.

freckles and heckles demonstrating how they feel about unauthorized photos. but in an authorized one.

much to their disappointment, there was no smoking allowed in the back of that terrifying van.

amy and lindsey just trying to get thier drink on + my zombie hand reaching for the infamous stolen bottle of jack...

= me shortly after falling into a bush somewhere on the street.

so as you can imagine, i was HURTING the in the morning. normally when i drink i have very little shame, but i hate when i black out because i have no idea what horrible things i may have done, and i KNOW i was off my head that night. kind of bummed about it, but luckily all of my friends are amazing and took really good care of me and didn't give me a hard time. i woke up in bobbi's hotel room instead of my own with bobbi, the lovely sujey lee, deanna, and amy. i slept in my clothes (thanks for taking off my boots bobbi!), and then i showered but had to wear the same clothes and no underpants for the better part of the next day, despite the fact that i brought about seventeen costume changes for this two-day trip. ugh! luckily vanessa sells underwear as well as t-shirts. geeze!

hangover burritos at cancun, joined by aubree of swan island and a girl called noodle.

san fran-sujey. post-burrito, pre-lexington vodka sodas.

after some much needed hair of the dog (?) at the lexington (i had two delicious mimosas), we headed to dolores park to where hundreds of gays were demonstrating their freedom. there was public drinking, public nudity, public affection, and all kinds of ladies. it was awesome! it took a while to find our friends but once we did we just seemed to attract more and more people representing l.a. i dubbed our group "the deL.A.gaYtion" get it? ha.

xkiller and caron selling t-shirts and attitude. hahaha.

baby d. protecting her smooth, precious skin from the sun. we don't call her baby for nothing.

some members of the deL.A.gaYtion dressed more festively than others.

still, i was definitely proud of all of us.

DAMN PROUD!

so it was getting near the time to start wrapping things up before the dyke march at 7 p.m. vanessa, baby d., and i bonded as we took xkiller's wares back to the car on what was "THE MOST FUCKING HYSTERICAL TRIP TO THE CAR EVERRRR!!!" at least acording to our invisible friend "SHELLLLAYYY." i got a chance to change into new clothes at the car with the lovely care package ajai brought me from our hotel. i won't pretend i didn't order them to bring my my dior perfume and toiletries, but she included some extras i didn't even think of like my good sunglasses. awww! then we brought back with us the pièce de résistance, the unofficial eastside lesbian mascot, if you will: terry p. the banana suit. amy caron had volunteered earlier to be the banana, but i don't think she really knew what she was getting herself into. i have seen it before. when someone steps inside that suit, she BECOMES the banana. and what a badass banana she was. let the pictures tell the story....

that's not coffee in the banana's cup, i'll tell ya that much.

okay, so far so good. the banana chillin' with kp. wait, is that a different drink in the banana's hand? is that a TECATE LIGHT???

holding the banana's beer just before she bolted for the hill...

one of maybe a dozen times the banana ran up a hill, did stretches, then rolled down the hill to the delight of the crowd.

is this banana some kind of athletic superhero???

well, she sure falls like a pro.

alright, so i think you get my point. i put myself in charge of minding the banana, thinking there was some remainder of my sweet, little friend amy inside, but the banana had taken over. one minute she was letting me walk along beside her holding her peel, and the next she was tearing off like a yellow devil. at one point she tripped over an orange then picked it up and drop kicked it shouting "well, fuck you, motherfucking orange!" that's right, a banana drop kicking an orange, and the evening had just begun....

dyke march!

the sign above them said "femme love for sale" why didn't i think of that?

fierce friends from portland including vera from swan island (middle left) and the always fabulous niki(middle right).

kate the pisces, deanna, and bobbi, feeling the love.

don't call them milk mustaches. (*blurred to protect the nips of the innocent.)

OMG, IS THAT VANESSA FROM "CURL GIRLS"?!?!?

alright, well, that's really all i got folks. the march was amazing. everyone was happy and dancing around, there were people hanging out of their windows with signs and beads, we peed in the street a lot and no one minded. it was bliss. we were hanging out on this one corner for quite a bit just talking and running around and enjoying being friends and being gay, and just being out in the twilight of a different city. i was nervous a bit later because we lost the banana (she was fine) and my phone ran out and i ended up getting disconnected from some of my friends, but the friends i was with went to a dance club and cut a rug. it was fun. i didn't take any more pics because my batteries were low and my face was busy, so you're just going to have to take my word for it.

i can't wait for next year!

all gay, every gay

although i definitely take notice of them, to say that i am adherant to life's signs and omens is a touch inaccurate. this is because what i actually tend to do is notice them then do the exact opposite of what they seem to be trying to tell me. today i came home from hanging out at my friend's house feeling alright. i did good today. i went to work even though i am deathly ill with a cold, then i went to ajai's and had a chat, went for a walk in the hills (fell in love with l.a. again), ate some soup, didn't drink a drop of the "healing" whiskey presented to me, and came home ready to begin preparing for a similar day tomorrow. well, as i walked to my front door, laying directly in the front walkway was a dead pigeon. i guess that would have not been too bad if it looked like it was mangled by a cat or something, but it looked like it literally plunked down in mid-flight.

yikes.

so i'm going out of town this weekend!

to san francisco gay pride for the first time. i am super-excited because i need to get the fuck away for a while, and yet a ton of my friends are going so it's going to be like having the comforts of home without the home part and with way more erotic lesbian foreplay.

i have been making the necessary preparations. got a haircut and a wax on friday, staying in all this week to save money and energy, and am walking up as many hills as possible to cut my complaining quota in half. i'm not really planning on having illicit sex with any bay area hussies, but i intend upon enjoying my fair share of make-out sessions. i don't know, maybe it won't happen though. i am kind of shy and now i am paranoid about my perfume. a couple of weeks ago i was at what may have been the kickoff of lesbain make-out season, and this girl i was making out with went for the neck. moments later she recoiled, squinting and batting at her tongue in distaste. too much dior, TOO MUCH DIOR! oops. maybe jessica simpson was onto something with those flavored "dessert" fragrances. too bad i think they got discontinued because they smelled like melty popsicle twat. oh well. i happen to know i have a pretty good natural chemistry/smell/taste, but i like smelling expensive. now, how to do so without tasting like bittersweet death? i just don't know. quite a quandary.

anyhoo, as promised, here are a few pics from the silverlake dyke march. they are not good pictures, but they give you an idea of the fun:

the requisite gaint lamé vulva and cigarette girls

dykes on bicycles love lisa's belt buckle more than they love the camera

sujey, ajai, jaime lopez, and des. i told them to look extra gay. success!

new stripey friend, sonia, and dj jay. also looking gay.

lisa jumpstarting the unicycle girl. gaysian pride.

queer sex workers do it better... wait, IT means carrying banners, right? mommy?

i'd say despite my crappy pictures and camera dying within moments of the march getting underway, it was a complete success. well, it looked like one anyway. the crowd was more than twice as large as it was two years ago when i last went, and was filled with women of every age, size, and color. plus a bunch of really supportive people in passing cars, honking and waving away. it was pretty inspiring actually.

we decided to taper off all that feminine energy by attending gay pride in west hollywood, home of the largest selection of shirtless men ever, the next day. it was actually pretty fun. i mean, i had moments where i looked around at some of the people there and was like, "ew" but then i thought, "wait, amanda-faye, you are being awfully hoity-toity for a girl who just used a porta-potty that was out of toilet paper and thus wiped with a flier for a gay dating website!" touché, voice of reason, touché.

once we made our way to the hip hop tent, things took a turn for the better. there was a small crowd surrounding some breakdancers and i was thinking, whatevs, i don't want to watch them, i want to show off my own moves. but oh no, these people were amazing! the boys were so good, and this one girl was outrageously good. it made me want to seriously practice my moves.

well, that's all i got. i have some new batts for my camera so this pride weekend is going to be well-documented photographically, i promise! kind of sad to think that after this weekend there will be no more local gay pride events... wait, actually we are all supposed to go to l.a. black pride in july. yesss!

plus there is that whole being proud year-round thing. duh.

holiday!celebrate! s.f. 2007 pt. 2

never ever ever get drunk and start talking shit in a strange city. i'm so used to going the same places all the time where everyone kinda knows me or no one is paying attention, that i guess i was thinking i could say whatever i wanted.

we were standing in line for rebel girl and the line was really long and i had to pee really bad. i was walking up and down the line trying to see if there was anyone we knew in line (you know, cause ash and i are soo connected) when i suddenly realized that everyone i saw had boring hair. i don't know, i was sauced but asho said i was talking really loud saying "it's like a sea, a hideous sea of bad hair!" finally the girls in front of us turned around and one of them said "you're being very l.a. right now." it was wicked embarrassing and i felt really bad. oddly enough i wasn't even looking at her and her friend's hair when i said that, but seriously how bad is that?

anyway, the two girls totally schooled me. as much as i love being right, i also really love when i'm wrong and someone puts me right in my place, especially when there is humor in it. it kind of makes one feel like the energy is flowing correctly in the world, know what i mean? wow, that sounded kind of hippified, but the thing is erin and nikki (our new s.f. friends) really could have kicked my ass but instead they used the ever-powerful sarcasm and a rebirthing technique involving scarves and spirit animals to cleanse me of that "l.a. haterade." it was kind of amazing. all that in line for a lesbian club... super.

okay, but let me just say that as soon as i walked in i got in line for the bathroom and this girl is all "oh my god! who cuts your hair? it's so amazing!" it was hilarious.

so we ended up hanging out with nikki, gliza, and erin all night. they were super fun and good dancers. it was great! who knew my snobbery could... alright, alright, i won't take credit for this. it was actually their awesomeness in the face of my horrible snot-fest that made mine and ashlee's night. and the club was pretty much off the hiz. the music was good and i have never seen so many lesbians in one place. i mean, like, crazy. i took a shitload of pictures, but seriously, you don't even want to see all of them because everyone looks like a drunk mess and a drunk mess behind the camera doesn't help. all the good ones are here, including one where a girl i didn't actually get formally introduced to is repping my town mockingly... okay, normally i am a rabid defender of the gloriousness that is the city of angels, but i was the one mis-representin' last night, so i totally deserved that one.

anyway, i'm sorry san francisco, i am in fact a big jerk. i love you and every hair on your gay head and thanks for the fun last night, haha.

today i have sat around in the flat all day drinking tea and writing stuff. right now i'm gonna meet ash for some drinks at the lone palm and then we are gonna go to the lexington and watch the L word. my poor liver........................