Amanda: Failure Princess

angry fat chick

i'm sick. officially sick with fever. this weekend was too much fun. i will post all about it when i don't feel like dying.

a couple of months ago this girl i used to be friends (if you could call it that) with, who turned out to be totally insane (i am losing my ability to judge character accurately) called me at 8 in the morning from the city far away she now lives in and left a crazed message calling me a "stupid fucking fat bitch" and accusing me of telling her girlfriend she kissed someone else, which i didn't, but almost wish i had because then the story would be way better. anyway, i sorted the whole thing out, reasoning with her as much as i could. i got a few more crazy texts, but then at the end of it all, she said 

"blog about this and i will kick your ass."

hahahaha. i thought that was so funny because i wish to god i had a blog in which i write about REAL LIFE gossip. totally Gossip Girl style. how fucking hilarious would that be? i just made up three different blind item entries i could write here, but i won't because that would be awful. people tell me all the time i should have done an anonymous blog and written about all the gossip i know, but that was when i knew any gossip (i don't anymore. or do i???) and even then i could never do that, mostly because i respect people's privacy, but also because it would be really fucking obvious it was me. 

anyways, i don't really care about gossip anymore. i have enough drama going in my little life to last a lifetime. wait, does sitting around being annoyed by stuff count as drama? whatevs. here is a list of things i find annoying. i am starting south beach next week and it's going to be hard for me to not be a raging bitch, so i'm going to try and get it all out now. 

1) is it hard to make a milkshake? i wouldn't know because i never do ridiculous things like make milkshakes at home, but it sounds easy enough. i'm not too big on milky sweets, but once in a while i get a craving and such cravings have been thwarted twice lately. once was at the drive thru at burger king (or something) because they said they didn't make them after a certain time. what the eff? crazy. then a couple of weeks ago i had a horrible hangover only a black and white milkshake could fix (that's when they make it with vanilla ice ice cream and chocolate syrup instead of chocolate ice cream) so joe said he'd get me one at the brite spot. he went there and they said they were understaffed for the lunch shift and couldn't make any milkshakes. now, i am all for giving overworked employees a break, but their milkshakes are so grossly overpriced, you'd think it would be worth it for them to just take a minute and make one. luckily my man is resourceful and sweet and asked the kind folks at jack and the box to mix the vanilla and chocolate ice creams into a shake for me. good god, i am an ass-pain.

2) this fake nerd look has gone too far. i'm not going to say it doesn't look cute on some people, but if i see one more blonde-highlighted mall girl-cum-hipster in fake black eyeglasses i am going to walk right up to her and poke her in the eyeballs. i happen to be pretty much legally blind and consider people wearing fake glasses not totally unlike blackface. okay, that is way over the top, but still, i don't like it. i think my glasses are pretty cute, and i don't find my contacts to be too much of a hassle, usually, but it's scary to know that without those things i would be totally dependent on someone else for my simple well being, as i cannot see my own hand unless it is four inches in front of my face. no joke. 

3) i hate how "back to school" starts in july. if i still went to school, that would depress the hell out of me. do kids even get summer off anymore? i bet they don't. look, i hate dealing with children as much as the next person who hates children, but summer memories were some of the best of my life and i guess it's good for them to be in the general population sometimes. institutionalization is great and all, but so is this. 

4) lately i haven't been sleeping well. my sleep has been very surface, if that makes sense. it feels almost like getting just outside of your body and just rolling over and watching yourself sleep, but still being semi-conscious. and because of this, my dreams have been BEYOND ordinary. i really want to apply to one of those sleep problems things on craigslist, but i'm thinking they probably make you sleep in a tiny glass room wearing a paper nightgown and who could fall asleep like that? also, if you were to fall asleep, what if you fart or confess something embarrassing in your sleep? i mean, i never fart, obviously, or i'd be way less tense, but i totally talk in my sleep, i've been told. at length. 

5) in my old age, i have gotten way more sensitive to weird stuff. for example, i used to think it was funny when you go somewhere shitty like a coffee shop or something and the person working there is an ass to you. this is for two reasons, one being that i worked in customer service for a long time and i was 19-23 and fucking so rude to stupid people if i thought i could get away with it, and two because if they are rude to you then you can be REALLY rude back, provided they are not in any position to tamper with your food. i have found that being rude back works because it makes the person realize what an ass they are being and usually they start being nice, plus is gets my bitchiness quota for the day over with and i can leave said establishment with a sense of accomplishment knowing that perhaps i paved the way for that clerk/barista/sandwich guy to be nicer to the next customer. anyways, lately i have been really bummed when people are rude. like joe and i were in subway and he was ordering a sandwich and the guy working there was so mean. he was throwing the veggies around and when joe asked for extra mustard he squirted it on all exaggerated-like. this made me very sad because joe was being so polite to this guy and his sandwich order was not that complicated. that dude should have counted his lucky stars i wasn't getting anything that day because i order mine with heavy lettuce, medium bell peppers, light onions, medium mustard, extra vinegar, but only regular oil, salt and pepper, and pepperoncinis, not too many, but enough and oh, please distribute them evenly on the sandwich. look, i realize that job has to suck pretty fucking bad, but unfortunately getting to choose to have things exactly how you want them is the whole point of subway sandwiches. that dude that was mean to my baby made me so mad, i wanted to ask for his manager, but he was scary and had a neck tattoo and i figured maybe he had enough issues to worry about.

6) in fact, and maybe this is because it's been so long since i worked in the service industry, or maybe it's just because i am getting old, but it bothers me a lot more when people drop the ball on the customer service front. i guess that's because i usually try to be the best customer i can, except for that whole complicated ordering thing, but i always apologize for that and tip well. i used to work in a hair salon and things there were kind of medium in terms of service. like, as an assistant, i hated when they ladies were like "yes, please order my lunch and please test my coffee on your wrist before i drink it so i can make sure it's not too hot" but i would do it with a smile because it was the best idea to keep them happy and also i did not want to get fired. all of the stylists and colorists there were very professional but it wasn't overly stuffy, which i hate. well, joe went to get his hair cut at this cute, hip little salon in silverlake and it was cool in there and all, but kind of weird. we stood there for a long time before this guy who i think was the owner got off the couch and said "can i help you?" and then when stylist came out of the back she said, "i'll be right with you" then proceeded to eat her snack and chit chat with the receptionist for a long time. i know they don't get much time to eat and stuff, but it was weird not to have anyone offer us drinks or magazines and usually stylists eat in the back room. it just looks better, i think. the girl who did his hair was nice and all, but during the cut she and the owner, who was also cutting, mostly joked and chatted amongst themselves which was weird. i mean, it's really hard/annoying to have to talk to clients all day, i get that, but why would anyone want to sit there trapped under a cape and a sharp object while you have a conversation with someone else about your partying and inside jokes? no way. then  a few days later we were in santa barbara at some record shop and the salesgirl was talking really loudly, even over blasting music, about "the stupid fucking cunt next door" who got her car ticketed. i found it jarring. am i just becoming REALLY old fashioned? i dunno, i also found it strange when she then turned down the music so it was literally silent in the entire store and proceeded to order a sandwich and curse out her friend on the phone. 

7) i hate having long hair. i am cutting it off forever next spring.

8) most of all i guess i am over myself. i have been such a hater lately and, while i feel most, if not all, of it is warranted, it is tiring and i would like to move on. 

SO... yeah. i'm just gonna try and work on making myself better and trying to make this blog interesting again. i wish i had some interesting stuff like gay celeb sightings or something, but it takes SO MUCH out of me to go out in hollywood and west hollywood these days, i can't even imagine doing it. it's hard to go out at all, actually. i feel really in my own head and out of place. i'm thinking i should take advantage of that time to try and write a lot more and work more on my projects and such, but then i used to get such inspiration from being out, seeing people, etc. these days it all feels so uninspiring. what i really need is a change of scenery, but that's not going to happen any time soon. all i can see on the horizon is an endless sea of craigslist job postings. and maybe the odd vodka soda.

p.s. if i get my ass kicked, you all know who did it. 

crumbs

if you knew the kind of emotional assault that is occurring in my brain, you would not be mad at me for not posting so much lately. i can't discuss that though because i almost kind of feel like it's okay to keep some aspects of my life private. crazy, huh?

moving on, here are some crumbs:

1) this bluetooth thing is driving me nuts! i am so addicted to my phone that i must wear it at all times in my car, but now i live with the constant terror that it is going to answer a call or call someone as i am belting out the lyrics to "she's got you" by patsy cline. do you know anyone who can resist singing along to a patsy cline song? cause i don't. 

2) as i get older, i am noticing more and more funny little quirks about myself. if you will remember, i wrote a letter to god a while back expressing some of my concerns about how much time i have left before these "quirks" become a very clear mental illness, but for now i am able to find humor in it still, which is key. for example, i realized recently that before i eat anything these days i have to cut it in half. this one has been building for a while, as i have always dissected and inspected my food, but the deliberate halving of things has never been so absolutely necessary. now if i only i could manage to eat just the one half. sigh.

3) speaking of eating habits, i am currently in the process of reading "the south beach diet super charged." several years ago the first version of the book helped me a lot and now i am hoping this one will be equally inspiring. i try not to support the "dieting industry" as i am a feminist and i have been in and out of weight watchers since i was about 8 years-old to no avail, but i did find south beach to be a good guide for thinking about what one eats and how one lives. i dunno, we'll see. i'm totally eating one of the cupcakes i made for jenny's birthday right now. chocolate chip with pink lemonade frosting and sprinkles, cut in half. 

4) oh yeah, happy birthday cancers! cancers are some of my fav peeps around and i have so many of you to love. shout-outs to joe (cusp), miranda, jenny, cheryl, tarah... i'm pretty sure i'm forgetting some, but i love you all.

5) i found this awesome pink desk on the side of the road in echo park the other day and i'm really excited about getting it into my room. now i just have to clean my room. SO MUCH WORK!

6) there's this hairball in my shower that i am just WAY too lazy and grossed-out to remove so i just move it to the side with my toe and hope someone else will pick it up. but now every time i wash my hair i look in the drain to see if i am losing a ton of hair and i see the big hairball and panic! i know the simple solution is the pick the damn thing up, but i don't wanna.

i guess on that note, i should go do some stuff. gonna read south beach for an hour then maybe check out craigslist again. i will probably clean my room tonight and i am going to try try try to write a blog for tomorrow!

xo

skating funny

remember a while ago when i told you that my dear, hilarious friend amy caron did a short video with comedian jennie mcnulty for the series she has going on afterellen.com called "walking funny with..." in which she interviews sports-types while walking with them? well, if you don't, i just told you all you need to know. the video is up now and it is SO FUNNY. amy is an awesome pro skater and super-hilarious. we are trying to work on some things ourselves, but her schedule is really crazy right now, as it is skate contest season. 

here is the video, enjoy. look for me (or rather a flash of me) toward the end when amy whispers "amanda, take my jacket" right before she does a trick, and for my trying desperately to hide behind a wall right after the trick. it is totally my big-time lesbian web debut! sad. 

funny! 

Lesbian video from AfterEllen.com

note

sorry, i try not to do this, but do you see how funky the formatting of my last post is? this is courtesy of the new typepad compose box, which is unpopular, nay, LOATHED among everyone i know who is on typepad. i am seriously considering moving this blog over to wordpess, but i don't even want to think of how annoying that will be to do.

this new system is making me not want to write at all, and very wary of posting images. it's really depressing :(

don't hate me because i'm clinically depressed

i'm sorry, i've just been so sulky lately, and i don't want to bother writing down the details. i keep trying to make a list of ways to improve my life, but when i sit down to do it, i can't for the life of me thing of what to say. on the gripe front, i still hate the new typepad system, hate perez hilton, and am actually very saddened about the untimely death of tim russert. i always watched "meet the press" on sundays, albeit the 3:00 a.m. technically monday version. i remember being a kid and a teenager when some news anchor or talk show host would die and my grandma, mom, and aunts would all be really sad. i never understood their attachment, but i finally do. the people that report the news are so much a part of our lives and our generation, even when they are of generations before us or whether we agree with their journalistic style or not. 

some tidbits:

a) i am in the process of applying for a job i would really, REALLY love to get. i also really need to keep looking for other jobs, though, because things are getting pretty desperate. it's joseph's birthday this coming saturday and i would really like to get him something nice, but it seems i might only be able to afford something "thoughtful." yikes.

b) sometimes i feel kind of icky because my mom, aunt, and granny all have this cleaning lady named elvira and the idea of having a cleaning lady makes me somewhat uncomfortable. then i realize, as i have been spending far too much more time at home lately, that the reality is they actually pre-clean all of their houses before she even gets here because they are all neurotic and somewhat insane. in fact, i feel fairly certain that when she comes over to my gran's house they sit there, drink coffee, and complain in spanish. where i come from that's called besties.

c) joe and i watched the golden compass yesterday. while i could definitely see how it could seriously disappoint lovers of the book and confound those who have never read it (we had several "rewind" moments), but i enjoyed it. i thought the special effects were pretty neat, the actors were great, and the story was strong. truthfully, it really just made me want to read the books. oh, and go to the zoo to see the polar bears. anyway, since then i've been captivated by the idea of having a little animal by one's side at all times that represents the soul. how great would that be? i'm so tired of my "inner dialogue" some days i think i am just about three steps away from walking around having full-on conversations with myself, aloud. 

d) damn lakers! don't they know i am a fair-weather fan and they are really cramping my style? watching the nba finals is no fun if your team has almost know chance of winning. 

e) father's day is uaually a bit rough for me, what with that whole "abandoned by my father" thing and my grandpa having alzheimer's disease, but this year was actually kind of nice. my family had a big party because it was also my uncle and cousin's birthdays, the food was amazing, i learned how to make mojitos, and joseph was there. in august we are all going to go to oxnard on fam vacay and joe is going to come. i think that will be so so so fun, and i love when he spends time with my family, but i am more than concerned about being trapped in a hotel room with that many chronic snorers. ay dios mio!

well, i know i have a bunch more to say, but i can't think of it now (typical). but i will be writing this week as much as i can. don't forget about me! 

the pride is high, but i'm holding on.

barely. 

this weekend was insanely fun. in fact, saturday was so fun that i didn't even do anything on sunday. i figured east side pride was so absolutely perfect that there was no reason to head out to west hollywood. plus i am totally out of shape and i was sore from dyke marching/dancing alllll night long. 

i was up all night friday night with what i am pretty sure was caesar salad poisoning, so i didn't get to the park for the first annual dyke day l.a. as early as i'd hoped. once we finally got there, though, it was the best day EVER! the women who organized it did such and amazing job, and there were so many people and so much to do... it was seriously almost emotional to be there taking part in something totally new to l.a. also, i like getting drunk in the grass.

the dyke march was more fun than ever this year, i think because of the energy (and booze) we were all carrying from the park day. we had to rush off kind of quick after the march because ajai had to make the wedding cake for the big packin' heat pride party in downtown l.a. the cake came out gorgeous (no thanks to me), and we were off. we got to the party at around 11 p.m. and bianca was djing first. she played the remix of "heart beat rock" by kylie and i started dancing all by myself. amy got there and quickly ran onto the dance floor to join me. suddenly, the who floor was packed and the dancing didn't stop. i maybe stopped dancing five times until three in the morning, and one time was just to pee.

on the wall in the bathroom there was a stencil of a man's face that looked curiously like lance bass. i took that as a gay sign, although i'm sure it couldn't have been him (RIGHT?!?!)

i'll stop my rambling because it's almost six a.m., i haven't been to bed, and i have a ton of work to do tomorrow, including checking out a pretty exciting job prospect. 

i have posted all of the pictures from los angeles east side pride 2008 on my Flickr. feel free to leave comments and stuff. 

bald in all the wrong places

i am tired. i am pretty sure i am going bald, but also i need a haircut. i like not having to work too much because it gives me time to work on other projects, but i never work on said projects like i should. ugh, so many THINGS. you would think that a person's life would be simple when their only real goals are to be able to afford laser hair removal and to have sex at least every day for the rest of their life. whatever. i'm sorry if i seem lazy, but i officially don't sleep anymore except during the day and it's kind of cramping my style. it doesn't make me want to write at night anymore, it's making me want to do day stuff. actually, scratch that, i have no idea what day stuff even is. 

there will be a lot of goings on in the coming weeks and i will document it well, i promise. taking pictures is my new favorite thing. 

speaking of which, this picture illustrates very well my current season of pleasure and pain. on one hand, i have a gorgeous joe who i love more than anything and who loves me, and on the other i have a rapidly receding hairline. and severe neurotic tendencies. also, what's with the audrina patridge zombie eyes on me? oh well, love that joseph!

my hair is full of secrets

as Amanda: Failure Princess steadily approaches it's year-and-a-half birthday, i am flooded with thoughts that i may or may not have already written about but am too lazy to go back and check on. don't get me wrong, it brings me endless pleasure a giggle to go back and read my previous posts, but these days i am so busy looking for jobs on craigslist and lamenting the current state of my wardrobe that i can't be bothered. sooo, if you find that i am repeating myself a bit, just smile and nod at me. i get very nostalgic in the summertime. it's that time of year again and it seems i am spending another summer semi-living at home. it's about 20 minutes from l.a., but i could swear it was the middle of the wilderness. the only bars here are closed-down-looking chinese places, the night is totally silent except for birds chirping and the train whistle, and the bugs are the size of bats. i am in hell.

some things stick in your mind over years and years, for no good reason. for me, one of those things is the "shrimp and garlic pasta" song from a commercial CoCo's restaurant ran circa the mid-nineties. the song went something like "shrimp and garlic pasta..." blah blah, i don't remember the rest, but i remember the melody. it was supposed to be kinda 50s be-bop-ish. another bit of information i can't seem to shake is each and every nickname my fellow nerd friend in junior high and i had for all of the other kids in our class. i pretty much remember them all, although i wish i didn't. it's not as mean as it sounds... well, the names were, for the most part, but also for the most part those kids made fun of us nonstop. i like to think of it now as a kind of counter-terrorism, albeit clandestine. anyway, i've been thinking of junior high a lot lately since my one of my other best friends from back then just had a baby. yesterday, one of the, shall we say, not-so-nice girls from back then added me on myspace. i was surprised by that, but pleasantly so, as i don't honestly believe most of us can be held accountable for things we did when we were thirteen at this stage. also, as a lifelong outcast dork-turned-ultra-cool (HAHAHAHAHA), i have had to do a fair amount of forgiving my former tormentors. nothing says "water-under-the-bridge" like being wasted at a bar when i was 20 years-old and sharing an intimate apology and forgiveness sesh, complete with mutual tears, in the bathroom with the girl whose harassment brought me to the brink of suicide in freshman year of high school. i think she was really really sorry, and it's funny how intimidated i felt still, even though i was there with a huge pack of my friends and armed with years of subsequent validation that some of that teasing had actually made me into a better person. i was ready to forgive, and almost embarrassed at how regretful she was. still, human nature being what it is, there is always that inclination towards targeting the weak. even though my nerd friend and i were definitely some of the cool kids' favorite targets, there was one girl who, though i would not say i considered socially "below me", was definitely a target of my scorn for many reasons, most notably how badly she wanted to be my friend. i feel sick even thinking about it now, but i remember the days in sixth grade on the playground when i decided i just didn't want to speak to her, so i wouldn't. my other friends and i would just walk away when she talked to us or hide in the girls bathroom, which was where we went to gossip. it was awful. i never saw her again for years after eighth grade, by which time i had successfully ditched her as a close friend but we were on friendly terms, so i thought. i finally ran into her several ago at the local kmart. i recognized her immediately, smiled excitedly and said hi. she looked startled, said a short hello, and nearly knocked over a couple of racks of sunglasses to get away from me. it was only then that i realized the impact of how i had treated her, even as we were becoming adults. since then i have learned not to take being well-liked for granted. i try to be nice to everyone, even people i don't like that much because i know that there must be SOMETHING good about them. i'm not always perfect, and i definitely talk a lot of shit, but i try. i also know that even though we are not little pre-teen and teen monsters anymore, sometimes being in certain people's favor can be so fragile, and at the end of the day all that matters is that you treated the people around you with kindness and empathy and i want to be surrounded my people that think the same way. i don't know what this is all about. i guess i have been thinking about being a better person and how i can improve myself. truthfully, what i need is years of deep, intensive counseling, but for now i suppose i will have to settle for crying about my dad when i get drunk and writing in this blog. good times, special times.

curse pads of all kinds!

typepad, the service that i use to compose and publish this lovely blog, has decided to change their compose box to something utterly stupid and impossible to use. i am currently enraged, but the cheery font it is showing me on my screen is telling me otherwise, further enraging me. argh!

anyhoo, i'm pretty spent. i know you've all been wondering "when is amanda going to tell us about her period again?" so here goes. i am too broke to buy tampons, so i have to use pads that, as if they weren't humiliating enough, are ALL WRONG. my mom said she had a stash of old maxis (as they called them once, LOL) and gave me this big, giant bag. well, they are Poise Pads, which, if you don't know, are especially marketed to women for mild incontinence. as far as i know (and i do know) my mother has never suffered from mild incontinence, so she either bought them by accident long ago, or they are ancient relics from previous inhabitants of our house. i won't have you suffer through the details, but let me just say, things that are meant to absorb urine are no good at absorbing other things, and things that are meant to be diapers look and feel like diapers, no matter how pink the packaging may be. screw you, Poise Pads!

that is all.

oh, also i uploaded a bunch of new pictures onto my Flickr, so if you want to see pictures of how my life is, you can. i have a feeling i won't be posting too many personal pics here for a while, if i don't figure out this new input system soon. screw you, typepad!

show me love

let me start by saying i feel a bit overwhelmed because i haven't written for so long. you must understand that i write to you all day in my head. every time the breeze blows a grain of sand into my eye, every time i go into a bathroom that is out of hand soap, and every time i accidentally think of miley cyrus in a sexual way (so wrong), i think "that's going in the blog!"

so, as you can imagine, a week-long hiatus, particularly during a week in which i went out nearly every night, the supreme court of california overturned the ban on gay marriage, and i saw one of the best live shows i've ever seen, i have a lot to say. oh yeah, and i was kidding about miley, although i do love blasting "see you again" from my car, and it gets some weird looks from other adults. whatever, that song rules.

okay, for starters, there is a new queer night in los angeles called Wildness, which takes place at a dive bar in korea town called the silver platter on tuesday nights. the only bad things i can say about this night is that the bar is beer and wine only and that it gets a little crowded. seriously, it's totally "off the hook" as they used to say like, four years ago. what do they say now? can anyone help me be cool? email me at amandafailureprincess@gmail.com if you can. anyhoo, the night is basic in that it consists of djs, a dance floor, beer, crappy bathroom situations, etc. what makes it unique is the crowd, which is so diverse i don't even know where to start. the best way to describe it i guess would be "art fag" though that doesn't really say anything does it? let me just say that the patrons of this particular club cross all gender, orientation, ethnic, and age lines, but what they have in common, from the locals to the lookie-loos, is the desire to dance up a storm, check out awesome performances (last week was sister mantos), dress to impress (in so many ways), and just be... free i guess. i know it sounds sorta hippie-ish, but i'm into it. i've been kind of bah-humbug lately, but i would go to this every week if i had it in me. last week there was a limo parked out front where you could lounge with your friends and buy $2 tequila shots. at one point, this guy burst into the limo shouting "who has the poppers?!?!?" no, he was not joking. he never did find those poppers, but it made me feel good knowing he had them at some point. disco isn't dead, my friends.

wednesday night i went to a benefit show for my friend vanessa, whose bicycle-cum-art piece was stolen from the very place the benefit was held (echo curio). the cartographers played, there was much dancing and merriment, then we all headed to the eagle for some more fun. it was a really fun night, but again, i am having mood issues. i know it's partly pms but i feel something else at work. i just don't feel motivated to go out anymore, and it's not just cause i'm in a relationship. i just feel kind of "blah" and it makes me sad because i love my friends and i love being out and about.

i don't know what's up with that. i mean, i have a few ideas, but it's going to take a lot of effort to get to where i want to be... that being in my favorite dress and back in heels. here's the deal: i barely dance anymore. i feel impeded by two things, the first being that i'm just not comfortable with my body at all right now. this is not to say that i think there is anything wrong with how i, or any other people of size (lol, i mean fat people), look on the dance floor, as everyone knows that dancing well is more about confidence, rhythm, and making a hilarious/sexy dance face than how a person's body looks. i have seen some hot, skinny bitches massacre a dance floor before, much to my horror. seriously, i get chills up my spine just thinking of one girl in particular. eesh! still, my body just doesn't feel good to me right now. it is difficult to focus on perfecting one's booty shake when you can feel your belly fat a-jigglin' too, i'm not going to lie. the second reason i am having trouble with the dance is that i dance much better in heels, but i never wear heels anymore. i wasn't able to wear them when i was younger, but about three years ago, when i started to lose weight, i was suddenly comfortable in them and wore them out nearly every night all last summer. it's so much easier and fun to dance in heels, especially if you are going to be pulling any fancy booty-dropping moves. well, now that i have gained all this weight, i seriously can't wear them for more than 15 minutes without wanting to stab my feet to death for betraying me. i will always and forever admire those fat ladies and drag queens who can wear heels all day into the the night. hot damn!

in other news, i missed long beach gay pride this weekend, which i am pretty bummed about, BUT the awesome thing was the reason i missed saturday night was that i won 2 tickets (through perezhilton.com. don't judge me!) to see robyn! i have never won a thing in my life and i won these days before i had big plans. oh well, i decided i had to go to the show because a) i WON!, and b) i love robyn's new(ish. been out in europe forevs) album and heard her show was really brilliant. it WAS! i was so impressed by how great she sounded live and how great her band sounded as well. she has two drummers, which i have never seen before and is awesome, and a guy on keys/computer, plus sometimes one of them plays guitar. she is SO cute and adorable and i love how she is straight but has lesbian hair. the audience was 90% gay men, so of course i felt at home and at ease. i took joe as my date and he really enjoyed the show too, even though he's not a robyn fan, that's how good it was. you guys OBVIOUSLY remember robyn's hit "show me love" from the 90s, if only from the movie, right? i happen to think that song is great, but her new stuff is very different since she has her own label now, and just REALLY good. here i am enjoying the souvenir robyn canvas tote that joe bought me. you must MUST download "cobrastyle", "be mine!" (original version, not ballad), "with every heartbeat", "handle me", and "who's that girl" (produced by the knife), all of which were even better live. plus, she did an encore of "show me love" reworked to be much slower and more her new style, but very awesome to hear that song live. i was not expecting that, though i'd hoped for it.

last summer i went to long beach, l.a., and sf pride. so far this year, like i said, i missed long beach, and i don't know if i'm going to make it to sf. my one consolation is that l.a. pride is going to KICK ASS this year, thanks to the organizing of some very special peeps. last year east side pride, aka the silverlake dyke march, afterparty at the eagle, and super-party at mj higgins put on by packin' heat were so amazing, i just knew it could only get better. this year it most definitely will with dyke day l.a., a day in the park preceding the dyke march that will feature djs, bands, comedy, arts, etc. i'm REALLY REALLY excited about this because i am hungering for a queer community, a truly queer community and not the gay bar culture of west hollywood, in los angeles. i know i need to challenge myself and my own shyness and insecurity (and laziness) to become more involved. i patted myself on the back briefly because joe and i volunteered a few months ago to gather signatures to counter the people who are gathering signatures to put another anti gay marriage initiative on the ballot. then i remembered that i really sucked at getting signatures while joseph, mr. "i'm not as social as you" was ACE. you should have seen him, it was so hot. i wanted to eff him right there on those library steps! anyway, i was butt-hurt and disappointed at how bad i was at it and complained a bunch and vowed never to do it again. still, there MUST be a way to apply my talents to some type of activism, right? haha, omg, i fear that perhaps being an activist entails some kind of hope and optimism that i simply do not possess.

no, i know that's not true. i feel alive with hope when i think of all the good things to come in the future, not just for "my people," but for everyone. i did shed a few tears of joy when i read the supreme court verdict, and not just because, since finding the first true love i've ever had, i can see more than ever to possibility of walking down the aisle myself, but because of all of the committed partners that came before us and paved the way for this. this is a huge step in history, for the gay couples who never got the chance to marry, for the gay couples that will marry now after waiting so long, the gay couples that will marry in the future, and for the gay couples that will say "fuck that, i never want to get married!" because they have that choice to make. that's what the freedom to marry is about, you know, freedom. definitely one giant leap for love.

classic robyn video, "show me love". the nineties were so scary/wonderful!

the awesome video for "be mine" by robyn. such a sad, yet danceable song. my fav kind!

and to end on a happy note, robyn's GENIUS performance of "cobrastyle" (a teddybears cover) on david letterman recently. and no, her band didn't wear those bear heads at the show, heh.