Tag Archive for self-deprecating

The Failure Princess Reboot (there’s a shoe tie-in pun here, but let’s not)

I’ve been trying to think of a way to reintroduce this blog without having to admit that I’ve been a lazy asshole full of half-baked ideas, but in the spirit of lazy assholes with half-baked ideas, nothing is coming to me.

In the meantime I’ve been going through all of my old posts adding tags and cleaning up egregious spelling and grammar errors as much as possible, save for stylistic choices such as all lowercase letters and perhaps overly-liberal sprinklings of “duh”s “lol”s and “wtf”s. Not that I don’t still believe in the power of a well-placed lol, of course. I began the oh-so-poetic habit of using only lowercase letters in my writing sometime in my early teen years and had to train myself to write with proper caps when I started writing and editing professionally, which was a big step… Yup, and someday I will learn to tie my shoes properly without using double bunny ears and you’ll be the first to know.

Anyway, I’ve been writing professionally since around 2008 when I thought I’d found my dream job, but I was either wrong about that or somehow managed to fuck it up. Both are entirely possible within in the Failure realm. In any event, I do some freelance work now but am mostly unemployed. My person/boyfriend/partner/girlfriend and I will have been together for five years in October (July, really) and we are still sickeningly in love. This kind of sickening, life-affirming love and devotion is contrary to everything I stand for, but seeing as I regularly stand for being contrary, it works out! I have a Pomeranian and am a total crazy dog lady now. Remember when I was a cat person!? My former cat love was a weird thing I “discovered” while going through this blog, in addition to the fact that for some odd reason I used to spell catalog as “catalogue” and hooray as “hurray”, neither of which is incorrect, per se, but odd because I don’t know where I picked up those spellings or when exactly I dropped them.

Also, did I mention I am 31-years-old and live at home with my mother? I guess we can just get that out of the way and I should warn you that it’s actually no fun to judge or mock me for it because I do a damn fine job of that on my own. I’m not saying I’m funnier than you, but I have a lot more material to work with, and I promise I’ll lay myself bare for your entertainment, as always.

Actually, to be perfectly honest, I feel a bit guarded right now. I recently had an unpleasant exchange with a former friend (I threw the first punch, full disclosure, but she brought a gun to a text fight) wherein I was verbally assaulted with many of the same failures and shortcomings I tear myself down for internally but also find humor in. Making fun of myself and complaining about my “shitty life” has always been a coping mechanism, an art form, hell, even a pleasure of mine, but hearing someone else say the same fucked-up things that I think about myself then turn into jokes — only minus the joking part — kind of made me want to be nice to myself instead and not give them any more ammunition. I don’t know, I guess it just doesn’t feel that funny to be self-deprecating right now. I wrestled with the idea of using this blog to write in again partially for that very reason. I mean, do I even fit into the same cement shoes I did when I started writing as the Failure Princess? And what exactly is “failure”? I don’t have a job, any money, a living space of my own, a formal education, self-confidence, any sense of self-worth whatsoever… but I do have an amazing relationship, a wonderful dog, the kind of happiness I did not think was possible for someone like me, and all kinds of good things that are not that funny to write about. Luckily I also still have loads of good stories, a lot of opinions, and a taste for cheap booze, so we should be fine. Amanda: Failure Princess is alive and well.

These days, I don’t think those cement shoes exactly fit me anymore. I still carry them around with me though, like a party girl on a walk of shame, and maybe I always will. But maybe I won’t.

wit with tits

surprisingly, a lot of my casual friends and loyal readers might not know this, but i am much more than a wit with tits. i’m not just this amazing, brilliant writer and tasty piece of ass, okay? i will have you know that in many circles i am highly regarded as a sort of go-to gal for advice because of my deep sense of empathy, and, quite frankly, sad amount of time on my hands.

well, no more folks. from now on… well, for a period no less than three and no more than six months, i am not giving any personal advice to any of my friends. i will still be the great listener i have always been, but no talking and no dispensing of my “wisdom.” all that has done lately is get me into huge trouble.

what people don’t understand is that i am not just a nosy, gossipy, bigmouth, but i literally have a problem separating my life from the lives of others. if you tell me something that is worrying you sick and you are someone i care about, i will lie in my bed at night, sick to death over it myself. now, that is no one’s fault except my own, but i can’t take it any more. i’m killing myself with worry, every day.

next week i am going to figure out what kind of hippie shit can fix me. psychotherapy doesn’t work because all my therapists just fall under the charm of my self-depricating humor. i can’t even be serious in therapy. sucks. so i’m gonna get like, five colonics and maybe light some sage on fire and swallow it. i don’t know, any suggestions would be helpful.

but for now, here are my new rules:

no advice giving

no advice asking

no rude comments about myself or others (except on the blog, don’t panic!)

not a bad place to start. i have to stop telling myself and other people horrible things about me, because really, they just start to believe them, and start treating me as such. i deserve better than that… yup, i’m going to wake up tomorrow, look in the mirror and say, “goddamnit, amanda-faye, you are beautiful, smart, and a hellcat in the sack.”

then i am going to give myself a mani-pedi, go get a fifteen dollar bikini wax, and meet my friend shari to color her hair and eat the delicious lunch she makes me. because i’m worth it, but still broke.

p.s. if i wasn’t broke, i’d buy this:Elperrocover because it is the best cd i have heard in a while. and yes, i already have the mp3s, but i’m still gonna buy it. it’s that good.