Tag Archive for rant

down UNDER

this might be my second post titled that. LOL.

anyway, as if we needed another reason why australia is so much more awesome than the usa, check out this commercial michael k. posted on Dlisted yesterday:

banned in the usa, of course! this is the kind of marketing genius we need. it’s a BIG FRIENDLY BEAVER. hillllarious!

anyway, speaking of beavers…

well, wait, i know most of you are waiting with bated breath (haha) for me to speak out on the recent injustice of Proposition 8 passing in my state of CA, but truthfully so many of my great blogging colleagues have spoken up so eloquently on the subject, i just don’t feel it necessary just now. i’m sure it will come up again because this is shaping up to be THE topic and THE civil rights issue of our time, but my sadness and anger has, through all the marching i have done (and will continue to do starting this saturday), turned into hope, real hope and pride in my community. it just doesn’t seem to warrant a rant at this time.

BUT, i will take you on a small mini-rant regarding another injustice.

moist wipes.

first of all, let me be clear, i am part of the faction of society that hates the word “moist.” god almighty, do i hate it! i also never thought i would buy moist wipes. i have friends who always have a pack of moist wipes or baby wipes by their toilets and i would just think to myself, “really? triple-ply paper is not enough, huh? gotta have a wet bum, huh? i don’t get it.” add that to the fact that one of my main pet peeves, as you may know, is to be damp in any way unless i am showering or swimming, and there you have it.

well, as we are all aware, life tends to take one on different journeys and minds and hearts can always be changed. as it turns out, wipes are great to have around for pre- and post-sex freshening. at my work (oh yeah, i work at a sex shop now. more on that later. maybe.) we have things called like SexxNaps or CumCleen, but truthfully unless they are anti-bacterial and being used to clean toys and such, plain baby wipes or moist wipes do the job and are way cheaper. so, yeah, even though usually i like things with sex-related names or that smell like mango or have a specific purpose and snappy packaging (i am an ad executive’s dream), i have been feeling pretty thrifty lately, so i decided to head out to the local target for this wipe expedition.

i don’t usually buy generic brand products. i know it’s RIDIC and wrong, but i am a 27 year-old woman that has grown to know and love her Opti-Free brand contact lens solution and i know the CVS brand says “compare to Opti-Free” on the side and costs half the price, but i do not care! well, for some reason, i tend to make many exceptions to this when it comes to target brand. i don’t know if it’s because it is a name i trust or if it’s the clean, appealing packaging, or even the quirky commercials, but i feel okay with target brand.

as further evidence that i am rapidly turning into a memaw, my new favorite thing is reading ingredients and comparing prices on EVERYTHING, even wet wipes. as i did this, i discovered that the target brand actually seemed to have the fewest confusing ingredients (hydrogenated oils are in some of the other brands. i know they won’t clog my arteries from there, but still, do i want to rub them on my precious gem? not really) and were (duh) the cheapest. i decided to then check out some of the ones that are made specifically for women. this makes no sense, as the products are essentially the same, but i tend to be drawn to products for women. my old roommate ashlee made so much fun of me the time i got athlete’s foot from standing in the salon all day and bought anti-fungal foot creme for women. what? it was purple and had extra moisturizers! and she still stole it and used it all when she needed it. anyway, in doing this comparison between the wet wipes, i discovered that the target brand wipes for women have the same ingredients, fewer wipes, yet are more expensive than the general ones! and the packaging is far-less user-friendly! very upsetting indeed.

i mean, we all know these “for women” products are a ploy, even i know that, but i guess i expected better from the normally fine value that is target generics. i almost purchased cottonelle, always, or even loves baby wipes in protest, but in the end the low low price, simple ingredients, and e-z pop box of the target brand wet wipes won me over. maybe i will say “screw the man” and refill the box with unscented baby wipes when i’m done with them.

they say it’s the small victories.

angry fat chick

i’m sick. officially sick with fever. this weekend was too much fun. i will post all about it when i don’t feel like dying.

a couple of months ago this girl i used to be friends with who turned out to be totally insane (i am losing my ability to judge character accurately) called me at 8 in the morning from the city far away she now lives in and left a crazed message calling me a “stupid fucking fat bitch” and accusing me of telling her girlfriend she kissed someone else, which i didn’t, but almost wish i had because then the story would be way better. anyway, i sorted the whole thing out, reasoning with her as much as i could. i got a few more crazy texts, but then at the end of it all, she said

“blog about this and i will kick your ass.”

hahahaha. i thought that was so funny because i wish to god i had a blog in which i wrote about REAL LIFE gossip. totally Gossip Girl style. how fucking hilarious would that be? i just made up three different blind item entries i could write here, but i won’t because that would be awful. people tell me all the time i should have done an anonymous blog and written about all the gossip i know, but that was when i knew any gossip (i don’t anymore. or do i???) and even then i could never do that, mostly because i respect people’s privacy, but also because it would be really fucking obvious it was me. anyways, i don’t really care about gossip anymore. i have enough drama going in my little life to last a lifetime. wait, does sitting around being annoyed by stuff count as drama? whatevs. here is a list of things i find annoying. i am starting south beach next week and it’s going to be hard for me to not be a raging bitch, so i’m going to try and get it all out now.

1) is it hard to make a milkshake? i wouldn’t know because i never do ridiculous things like make milkshakes at home, but it sounds easy enough. i’m not too big on milky sweets, but once in a while i get a craving and such cravings have been thwarted twice lately. once was at the drive thru at burger king (or something) because they said they didn’t make them after a certain time. what the eff? crazy. then a couple of weeks ago i had a horrible hangover only a black and white milkshake could fix (that’s when they make it with vanilla ice cream and chocolate syrup instead of chocolate ice cream) so joe said he’d get me one at the brite spot. he went there and they said they were understaffed for the lunch shift and couldn’t make any milkshakes. now, i am all for giving overworked employees a break, but their milkshakes are so grossly overpriced, you’d think it would be worth it for them to just take a minute and make one. luckily my man is resourceful and sweet and asked the kind folks at jack and the box to mix the vanilla and chocolate ice creams into a shake for me. good god, i am an ass-pain.

2) this fake nerd look has gone too far. i’m not going to say it doesn’t look cute on some people, but if i see one more blonde-highlighted mall girl-cum-hipster in fake black eyeglasses i am going to walk right up to her and poke her in the eyeballs. i happen to be pretty much legally blind and consider people wearing fake glasses not totally unlike blackface. okay, that is way over the top, but still, i don’t like it. i think my glasses are pretty cute, and i don’t find my contacts to be too much of a hassle, usually, but it’s scary to know that without those things i would be totally dependent on someone else for my simple well being, as i cannot see my own hand unless it is four inches in front of my face. no joke.

3) i hate how “back to school” starts in july. if i still went to school, that would depress the hell out of me. do kids even get summer off anymore? i bet they don’t. look, i hate dealing with children as much as the next person who hates children, but summer memories were some of the best of my life and i guess it’s good for them to be in the general population sometimes. institutionalization is great and all, but so is this.

4) lately i haven’t been sleeping well. my sleep has been very surface, if that makes sense. it feels almost like getting just outside of your body and just rolling over and watching yourself sleep, but still being semi-conscious. and because of this, my dreams have been BEYOND ordinary. i really want to apply to one of those sleep problems things on craigslist, but i’m thinking they probably make you sleep in a tiny glass room wearing a paper nightgown and who could fall asleep like that? also, if you were to fall asleep, what if you fart or confess something embarrassing in your sleep? i mean, i never fart, obviously, or i’d be way less tense, but i totally talk in my sleep, i’ve been told. at length.

5) in my old age, i have gotten way more sensitive to weird stuff. for example, i used to think it was funny when you go somewhere shitty like a coffee shop or something and the person working there is an ass to you. this is for two reasons, one being that i worked in customer service for a long time and i was 19-23 and fucking so rude to stupid people if i thought i could get away with it, and two because if they are rude to you then you can be REALLY rude back, provided they are not in any position to tamper with your food. i have found that being rude back works because it makes the person realize what an ass they are being and usually they start being nice, plus is gets my bitchiness quota for the day over with and i can leave said establishment with a sense of accomplishment knowing that perhaps i paved the way for that clerk/barista/sandwich guy to be nicer to the next customer. anyways, lately i have been really bummed when people are rude. like joe and i were in subway and he was ordering a sandwich and the guy working there was so mean. he was throwing the veggies around and when joe asked for extra mustard he squirted it on all exaggerated-like. this made me very sad because joe was being so polite to this guy and his sandwich order was not that complicated. that dude should have counted his lucky stars i wasn’t getting anything that day because i order mine with heavy lettuce, medium bell peppers, light onions, medium mustard, extra vinegar, but only regular oil, salt and pepper, and pepperoncinis, not too many, but enough and oh, please distribute them evenly on the sandwich. look, i realize that job has to suck pretty fucking bad, but unfortunately getting to choose to have things exactly how you want them is the whole point of subway sandwiches. that dude that was mean to my baby made me so mad, i wanted to ask for his manager, but he was scary and had a neck tattoo and i figured maybe he had enough issues to worry about.

6) in fact, and maybe this is because it’s been so long since i worked in the service industry, or maybe it’s just because i am getting old, but it bothers me a lot more when people drop the ball on the customer service front. i guess that’s because i usually try to be the best customer i can, except for that whole complicated ordering thing, but i always apologize for that and tip well. i used to work in a hair salon and things there were kind of medium in terms of service. like, as an assistant, i hated when they ladies were like “yes, please order my lunch and please test my coffee on your wrist before i drink it so i can make sure it’s not too hot” but i would do it with a smile because it was the best idea to keep them happy and also i did not want to get fired. all of the stylists and colorists there were very professional but it wasn’t overly stuffy, which i hate. well, joe went to get his hair cut at this cute, hip little salon in silverlake and it was cool in there and all, but kind of weird. we stood there for a long time before this guy who i think was the owner got off the couch and said “can i help you?” and then when stylist came out of the back she said, “i’ll be right with you” then proceeded to eat her snack and chit chat with the receptionist for a long time. i know they don’t get much time to eat and stuff, but it was weird not to have anyone offer us drinks or magazines and usually stylists eat in the back room. it just looks better, i think. the girl who did his hair was nice and all, but during the cut she and the owner, who was also cutting, mostly joked and chatted amongst themselves which was weird. i mean, it’s really hard/annoying to have to talk to clients all day, i get that, but why would anyone want to sit there trapped under a cape and a sharp object while you have a conversation with someone else about your partying and inside jokes? no way. then  a few days later we were in santa barbara at some record shop and the salesgirl was talking really loudly, even over blasting music, about “the stupid fucking cunt next door” who got her car ticketed. i found it jarring. am i just becoming REALLY old fashioned? i dunno, i also found it strange when she then turned down the music so it was literally silent in the entire store and proceeded to order a sandwich and curse out her friend on the phone.

7) i hate having long hair. i am cutting it off forever next spring.

most of all i guess i am over myself. i have been such a hater lately and, while i feel most, if not all, of it is warranted, it is tiring and i would like to move on.

SO… yeah. i’m just gonna try and work on making myself better and trying to make this blog interesting again. i wish i had some interesting stuff like gay celeb sightings or something, but it takes SO MUCH out of me to go out in hollywood and west hollywood these days, i can’t even imagine doing it. it’s hard to go out at all, actually. i feel really in my own head and out of place. i’m thinking i should take advantage of that time to try and write a lot more and work more on my projects and such, but then i used to get such inspiration from being out, seeing people, etc. these days it all feels so uninspiring. what i really need is a change of scenery, but that’s not going to happen any time soon. all i can see on the horizon is an endless sea of craigslist job postings. and maybe the odd vodka soda.

p.s. if i get my ass kicked, you all know who did it.

Gay Sex and the Failure Forest

as you all probably know, there are few things i enjoy more than ranting about things i have limited information about. it makes the rant far more belligerent and ill-advised, two concepts upon which i believe humor might just be based.

anyway, today my subject of choice is the new series set to air on NBC called “lipstick jungle” (preview video behind the cut at the end of the post). it is based on a book by the author of “sex and the city,” which, as we all know, is tv legend, in a way. to understand where i am going with this, you must first understand my feelings on “sex and the city.”

SATC, in my opinion, was an extraordinarily offensive television show. it is, however, tolerable to me for only 3 reasons.

1) it is a classic. much like a time-honored racist, sexist story we still read/show to our children (disney’s peter pan, for example), it will continue to be adored and accepted by many even after the advancement of women makes shows of its variety a small blip in our feminist history (am i being wishful?)

2) despite the deplorability of some of the characters (more later) the choice of actors and their performances were phenomenal.

3) for the love of bloody hell, i cannot tear my eyes away when it’s on!!!!

a) the clothes! the shoes! good or bad, the parade of fine fashions is addicting.
b) the breasts. the naked breasts.
c) for a show about straight ladies, it could not have been any GAYER.
d) the poorly-written dialogue they give the carrie character is super funny, between cringes.
e) sometimes… it just speaks to me.

look, i love that show as much as the next girl, i’ll admit it. the problem is, that love came only after i could get over the fact that, at least the carrie character, is totally demeaning and insulting to intelligent women everywhere and that the show’s stylists were simply never going to stop putting her in belly shirts, no matter what the mandates of fashion prescribe.

Satcas we all sit in anticipation of the “sex and the city” movie, we are offered “lipstick jungle” to chew on for the time being. here is my problem: i can already tell this is going to suck. first of all, it’s on network television, which means NO BOOBIES. lame. secondly, at least from the ads, there does not appear to really be a “quirky” carrie-like character. for all her bad dialogue and penchant for falling in love with her abusers, carrie was the heart and soul of that show. if not for her neurotic asides, then for her kooky hats and bags. by god, without her it would have just been a soap opera about a pointy-nosed prude/ho with daddy issues, an inexplicably misanthropic closeted lesbian with bad hair, and an older broad with a bangin’ body who would do it with just about anyone… wait, that show still sounds good! that’s my point, i guess. the characters were probably well-written in the first place (i dunno, i never read the book. this is the part where i don’t know what i’m talking about), but also, you can really tell how much the actors brought to the table. the casting choices for carrie, charlotte, miranda, and samantha were fucking awesome. i honestly feel like so much has changed in the industry (for the worse) since that show began, that, if it were to be casted today, there might be much less-interesting types of women in those roles, and that would be sad.

i am sick and tired of watching shows on tv about women where the women look exactly the same. it is boring. the other night i was watching “law and order: svu” aka my reason for owning a tv, and there were not one but TWO female actors in the episode with very obvious, hideous plastic surgery (not as part of the plot). wtf? are kids now going to grow up thinking that’s simply what women all look like? essentially, white ladies who look like they have been repeatedly dried-out and then re-hydrated like a soaked raisin? this is terrifying. i know tv is all about entertainment, but i don’t think it’s too much to ask to see some real people on there. not even reality shows have real people on them except for “the biggest loser” and those people are dying to change. not that there is anything wrong with being thin and white, but good heavens, give us options! and no more frightfaced, botoxed bitches!

Lipstickjungle_4oh, and by “options” i don’t mean the one that looks kinda asian-y on “lipstick jungle.” back to my point, i am dreading this show. it looks like such a boring mess with boring clothes and formulaic story lines about giving good blow jobs. obviously the simple solution is not to watch, but a combination of morbid curiosity and a real passion for self-inflicted punishment will certainly lead me to check it out. i read an article in one of the gossip magazines about how this is only one of THREE new shows coming out soon with a similar theme: wealthy “power” women shopping at saks and looking for love in the big city. i don’t know how much more of this i can handle. when are they going to make a show about women like me? middle-class fuck-ups who hunt thrift racks by day, haunt gay bars by night, and give great blow jobs to dildos.

WHEN? you know you’d watch.

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