first things first, i am pretty sure you guys all understand this, but i want to remind you just in case you forgot: i write these generally between 2-6 a.m. because i am a crazed night owl, so when i say “today” it means yesterday to you, and “yesterday” means the day before, etc etc.

so, regarding “today,” i had one of those not leaving the house all day life sucks bummer bummer days again, but that’s mostly because i cannot seem to shake these cold-like symptoms and also i went to long beach last night to hang out with the lbc crew and i drank a little too much because… well… i was in long beach.

i’m having serious self-esteem issues right now on account of the feeling that i’m wearing a fat suit on the day to day, so it was probably not the best idea to then, as my only outing of the day today, go try on a bunch of hideous clothes, but my mom came home and insisted that i go to kohl’s with her, so i did. YES I SAID KOHL’S. my mom loves the new kohl’s they put in in our neighborhood something awful. man, does she love it! it was actually a kind of nice outing in which we bonded over choosing colorful new bathroom rugs and a shower curtain, but then she asked me to look for something to wear to the women’s luncheon we are going to this weekend. trying on clothes at kohl’s of all places is not what you wanna do when you are depressed and fat. it’s a wonder i didn’t kill myself then and there with the pointy end of a clothes hanger, but somehow i made it out with a very simple but cute black blouse for saturday. when i get fat i instantly go goth, it’s actually very sexy. hahahaha.

speaking of sexy, my friend baby d always smells really good and she refuses to tell anyone what it is she wears. i tried to explain that it’s not really my jam anyway and i just wanted to know out of curiosity, but her lips are sealed. i think this plan is actually quite genius, very sexy and mysterious-like. i would steal it, in fact, but i already told the world that my signature scent is christian dior miss dior cherie. this truth was threatened recently, however, when my mom found this extra bottle of it she bought last christmas when she bought one for me. one morning i woke up with a start, sniffing like a hound because i smelled it in the air as she was leaving for work. the following evening i politely (shrilly) explained to her that as my mother she is not allowed to jack my signature scent! first of all, the strawberry, raspberry sorbet, and caramel corn notes in the scent are far too unsophisticated for a woman of her age and stature, and secondly i have a very very strong sense of scent-memory, and i cannot feel like i smell like my mother when she’s headed to work in the morning as i do the things i do on a daily basis, which generally involve booze and sex. just kidding! mostly. i don’t drink every day. usually.

i do, however, usually wear miss dior cherie every day because it is heavy and womanly enough for night, but also young and fruity enough for warm weather, day, and a girl my age. good stuff. some days i switch it up though, because even though i decided when i turned 25 i needed a signature scent, i am still a perfume whore. for xmas i got a bottle of yellow mat by masaki matsushima, which i have been dying to have for AGES. it basically looks and smells like sunshine in a bottle, with notes of citrus, watermelon, and then watery woods. the only problem i have with it is that it doesn’t seem to me that it lasts at all, but when i wear it i always get compliments, so i guess maybe it just wears off for the wearer. oh, also, it is this close to smelling like d&g light blue and moschino i love love, both of which i love in the bottle and on others, but smell like ass on me. yellow mat smells good on me, but it has similar dry down notes so i always get nervous for a second.

then there is the matter of the new scent joe got me for vday, escada moon sparkle. i feel like that one is good for layering because it adds that fruitiness that i like. people always wrinkle their nose at fruity of foody perfumes, but i found i get so many compliments when i wear them! weird. joe does really hate my comptoir sud pacifique vanille abricot though. he makes a hideous face every time i get in the car wearing it, opens the window, and says “babe, you smell like ice cream!” EWWW ICE CREAM?!?!?! whatever, joe, what do you know? i had to explain to him that that fragrance is very popular, somewhat expensive, and from france! he did not care. the good news is i think i have discovered my new backup signature scent, should my mom, my grandma, or, say, joe himself ever decide that they too must smell like fruity lady popcorn. the new one from versace is super feminine and very floral, as you can imagine by the maker and the bottle, but it is also has a freshness to it and a slight sparkle that makes me want to check it out. i know it’s the last thing i need, but what do i need really? besides money, stability, and the sweet relief that my injured mind craves day-in and day-out?

oh crap.

whatever, i also need a decent fucking mascara. i still have not found my holy grail of mascaras, but i have been buying and enjoying telescopic by l’oreal since i made this post, which is a big deal for me because normally i have no mascara attention span what-so-ever. recently i decided to stray, though not too far, to try l’oreal telescopic clean definition mascara. HUGE mistake. let me give you a tip that i have finally learned for myself: in the mascara world, “clean” means “invisible,” at least on me. i have decent eyelashes, but my eyes are really tiny, so i like lots of drama to make them stand out. i’m not talking drag queen-style (well, sometimes i do break out the falsies), but i want big, full lashes. no go with this, folks. it has the same shape of brush as original telescopic, meaning it’s one of those comb-style brushes that should apply a lot of product for volume, but still define the lashes well once you learn not to be too heavy-handed. what they have done with this version is made the brush out of that squishy rubber all the companies are using now to tout their wands as “clump-free.” the problem with “clump-free” is it usually also means there won’t be too much volume, so i would only recommend this if you already have lots of lash or if you are looking for the natural look. even then, though, this stuff if a little too gooey and wet upon application and smears and flakes a bit. no go. oh ps i also tried that new cover girl mascara “lash blast” that drew barrymore is whoring and there is NO BLAST. same problem with the rubber bush, no volume. nothing. invisible. i guess there are bigger problems in the world, but it would be nice to settle this mascara thing once and for all. i think i will try one of the newer MAC formulas next, since i can buy them for cheap with my pro card.

well, this weekend is going to be another mellow one in preparation for good times ahead. the next three weekends are going to be kinda crazy so i better rest my pipes. my throat feels like it’s bleeding. no bueno.