i'm still here, you know. i know some people read this every day and i'm sorry i am a bad blogger (friend? i'd like to think we are friends).
my life is so hectic right now, and yet nothing has changed except my job status, i'm back on the pill (emo wreck but no more epic periods), i now own a pair of very uncomfortable spanx, and i have put way more things in my vagina and ass since last time we talked.
oh yeah, i guess i officially have no shame. before it was like, "OMG, does she have no shame?" and now it's like "SHE HAS NO SHAME!" but i don't care because it's a living. i feel like i am being more true to myself than ever. wait, i just realized that sounds like i am totally a prostitute. i'm not, even though it would be completely valid and okay if i was (but probably not okay with joe). actually, as i mentioned, i work in a sex shop now.
it has taken over much of my life and, as i said, i cannot figure out how to write about it, or even how to fit writing into my daily life other than the writing i do for work. writing about working and it's many pains is one of my favorite things to do, but right now i love my job, and to write too candidly about it would be betraying a certain trust. i feel like it can, or must, be done for the survival of this blog, but i have yet to figure it all out.
anyway, re: the spanx, i only bought them because i had to go to a wedding. normally i shun spanx and other control top hosiery because, while we can all use a nip in the tum, i don't really like restraining my bubble butt. it's one of my few physical features i actually like, and although it seems to get flatter with age and weight gain, i still try to flaunt it as much as possible. i always thought they should make those things assless. the other reason i hate them is that they tend to roll down at the waist band, which, instead of a flat surface, bisects the tummy area and creates TWO distinct rolls. unsexy.
i decided to give these a go because i really needed a smooth back silhouette for the thin fabric of my dress, and these particular spanx promised to be high-waisted, thereby doing away with waist-roll and smoothing all the way up to the bra line. well, they work. the reason they work is that an ULTRA TIGHT band at the top goes around your ribs. it took me about 10 minutes to get them on and the whole time i was wearing them, i literally could hear my bones straining. now, three days later, i still have bruises on my ribs. i ended up taking them off halfway through the wedding because after the second time of having to painfully remove them and squeeze them back on to use the toilet, i was done.
i wish i could say that i am totally done with this torture device, but alas, i feel like they could come in handy at some point. plus, and i didn't notice this until i took them off, the crotch is actually open. there are like, two overlapping flaps instead of solid fabric. could this convenient hole be what i think it is? probably not, but i'd be lying if i said i'm not entertaining the idea.
anyway, as if we needed another reason why australia is so much more awesome than the usa, check out this commercial michael k. posted on Dlisted yesterday:
banned in the usa, of course! this is the kind of marketing genius we need. it's a BIG FRIENDLY BEAVER. hillllarious!
anyway, speaking of beavers...
well, wait, i know most of you are waiting with bated breath (haha) for me to speak out on the recent injustice of Proposition 8 passing in my state of CA, but truthfully so many of my great blogging colleagues have spoken up so eloquently on the subject, i just don't feel it necessary just now. i'm sure it will come up again because this is shaping up to be THE topic and THE civil rights issue of our time, but my sadness and anger has, through all the marching i have done (and will continue to do starting this saturday), turned into hope, real hope and pride in my community. it just doesn't seem to warrant a rant at this time.
BUT, i will take you on a small mini-rant regarding another injustice.
moist wipes.
first of all, let me be clear, i am part of the faction of society that hates the word "moist." god almighty, do i hate it! i also never thought i would buy moist wipes. i have friends who always have a pack of moist wipes or baby wipes by their toilets and i would just think to myself, "really? triple-ply paper is not enough, huh? gotta have a wet bum, huh? i don't get it." add that to the fact that one of my main pet peeves, as you may know, is to be damp in any way unless i am showering or swimming, and there you have it.
well, as we are all aware, life tends to take one on different journeys and minds and hearts can always be changed. as it turns out, wipes are great to have around for pre- and post-sex freshening. at my work (oh yeah, i work at a sex shop now. more on that later. maybe.) we have things called like SexxNaps or CumCleen, but truthfully unless they are anti-bacterial and being used to clean toys and such, plain baby wipes or moist wipes do the job and are way cheaper. so, yeah, even though usually i like things with sex-related names or that smell like mango or have a specific purpose and snappy packaging (i am an ad executive's dream), i have been feeling pretty thrifty lately, so i decided to head out to the local target for this wipe expedition.
i don't usually buy generic brand products. i know it's RIDIC and wrong, but i am a 27 year-old woman that has grown to know and love her Opti-Free brand contact lens solution and i know the CVS brand says "compare to Opti-Free" on the side and costs half the price, but i do not care! well, for some reason, i tend to make many exceptions to this when it comes to target brand. i don't know if it's because it is a name i trust or if it's the clean, appealing packaging, or even the quirky commercials, but i feel okay with target brand.
as further evidence that i am rapidly turning into a memaw, my new favorite thing is reading ingredients and comparing prices on EVERYTHING, even wet wipes. as i did this, i discovered that the target brand actually seemed to have the fewest confusing ingredients (hydrogenated oils are in some of the other brands. i know they won't clog my arteries from there, but still, do i want to rub them on my precious gem? not really) and were (duh) the cheapest. i decided to then check out some of the ones that are made specifically for women. this makes no sense, as the products are essentially the same, but i tend to be drawn to products for women. my old roomate ashlee made so much fun of me the time i got athlete's foot from standing in the salon all day and bought anti-fungal foot creme for women. what? it was purple and had extra moisturizers! and she still stole it and used it all when she needed it. anyway, in doing this comparison between the wet wipes, i discovered that the target brand wipes for women have the same ingredients, fewer wipes, yet are more expensive than the general ones! and the packaging is far-less user-friendly! very upsetting indeed.
i mean, we all know these "for women" products are a ploy, even i know that, but i guess i expected better from the normally fine value that is target generics. i almost purchased cotonelle, always, or even loves baby wipes in protest, but in the end the low low price, simple ingredients, and e-z pop box of the target brand wet wipes won me over. maybe i will say "screw the man" and refill the box with unscented baby wipes when i'm done with them.
my weekend was kind of like a delicious "skins" sandwich. friday i crawled around online like and obsessed 17 year-old fangirl looking up info and new stuff on the show. then, on sunday, i watched it as it made its us television premier. as you may know, i have already watched series one and two, which have already aired in the uk, but now that the powers that be (british people?) have brought "skins" to american shores officially via BBC America (which ps has the best programming! this evening i also watched a show called "my big breasts and me" and it was really fascinating), i am newly obsessed with the amazingness that is "skins."
here's why:
1) the kids: living in a world, country, city, obsessed with youth culture is hard. i, for one, am completely tired of boring tv programming shoving wealthy, blonde, beach-going teens down my throat and informing me that this is the lifestyle i surely missed out on in my youth. i mean, i am all for re-capturing the good (awful) times, but i can never relate to any of these characters. i don't think i have related to a teen character since jessie spano on saved by the bell, and that was mostly because we are both feminists. well, "skins" is written in a way that somehow makes the characters entirely relatable, accessible, and even true-to-life, while still creating a fantasy world that, at least speaking as an adult, feels sensationalized, voyeuristic, shocking... all of the above. it feels like all the things i was and wasn't is represented somehow in each character. also, because they have british accents, they sound significantly less young and dumb, which is refreshing.
2) the slang: what kind of wannabe fancy american would i be if i didn't love english slang words? the title of the show does not solely refer, in fact, to all the skin that is shown (and it definitely has it's moments!), nor the often painful shedding of one's youthful skin while squirming towards adulthood, but the word "skin" is also a slang term for the paper used to roll a joint. my personal fav, which i tried in my mind unsuccessfully to justify using aloud, is "safe" as a replacement for "cool." some of the words (such as "safe") even have multiple meanings. luckily there is a glossary guide on the show's page at the BBC America website. even more fortunate is the fact that the good people at BBCA have elected to add subtitles to certain parts of the show. it is absolutely necessary, at least in the first few episodes while you are getting used to the accents. this matter of convenience almost makes up for the censorship, though thus far i only noticed them editing out the word "fuck" and some nudity, not too bad.
3) cassie: i'll admit, i do tend to have a weakness for the dippy blonde in a bunch, but the character cassie on "skins" is so much more than that. the part is well-written and acted so brilliantly by hannah murray. she is certainly one of the more outwardly fucked-up of the group, as she suffers from anorexia and other severe self-image issues, but she is anything but heavy. any cassie screen time for me has been like magic faerie time and, as cheesy as that sounds, because of the writing and acting, it doesn't feel the least bit contrived. the second episode of series one, which first aired last night (they showed two episodes to kick off the show) is the first in-depth introduction to cassie. it will air again on sunday august 24th at 9 p.m., with another new episode right after at 10.
4) the music: one of the first things i noticed while watching "skins" the first time was how they effectively used music from the past and current popular and indie music as well. it gave the show a more artistic feel, kind of like a movie, as opposed to the distinct feeling of product placement i get from the soundtracks on most shows these days, although truthfully, you will want to hunt down any manifestation of a soundtrack to this show. it's that good. i believe there is an iMix on itunes, but check out some of the fansites for more comprehensive songlistings. the remix to the gossip song "standing in the way of control" can be heard on the show as well as in certain promotional items i have seen, which is awesome to see. go brits for making the gossip the huge stars over there that they should have been here long ago!
5) diversity: it's a bit more difficult for me to assess the success of an english show in being truly diverse. much like most american shows with an ensemble cast, "skins" consists of primarily straight, white kids. there is a certain sense of token-ism, then, when you throw the gay kid, the muslim kid, and the black kid into the mix. the show avoids the pitfall of being overly-patronizing though, again, because of the quality of the writing. it's definitely interesting, as an american, to watch a show in which one is learning about another culture (english) while also learning about other cultures within that culture, such as the experience of being an english muslim as opposed to a muslim-american. the show certainly centers around the friendship between the members of the group and isn't exactly a huge political or cultural statement, but i obviously think it is important for different groups of people to be represented in popular media, and a show like this brings that to the table. one of the things i liked was the fact that the gay storyline does not center on the gay character maxxie's coming out or something oft-depicted like that. there are definitely gay issues and issues of adversity that are tackled, but it is more about maxxie's life and experience in that particular time, with his particular friends that takes center stage, and his being gay is simply a part of who he is. i like that because i can relate to it, as that was my experience as a young, out teenager.
i really hope you all will tune in to "skins" on BBC America. you can visit the official website for fun content, pictures, videos, and the schedule.
here is a version of the trailer that calls the show "a better gossip girl." i couldn't agree more. that's why i'm posting about it. i hope that people will watch it to show that americans are interested in watching shows from other parts of the world. a well-written, well-acted show should be able to translate from culture to culture, and i think that "skins" definitely does.
okay, okay, i just officially pulled an all-nighter. i am going on vacation today with my family and joe and will be offline (GASP!) until wednesday. i can't imagine that i will be posting anything before thursday night, but if i do, you will for sure be the first to know... since this is my blog... and you read it religiously... yeah.
okay, so i posted my first review on yelp.com and since it is the only bit of adjoining words i have been able to squeeze out of my fingers, i shall post it here.
it is a review of the new(ish, now) night here in l.a. i told you guys about called "club booby trap" and if you will remember, i was unsure of what to think of the joint. well, i have made my decision, and i gave the club one star on yelp:
wait, is this my first review? i feel like that's kind of lame, but it's three a.m. and i feel inclined.
temporary spaces gets a half star for looking like it may have once been a cool dive bar and for the smoking patio (i have had fun back there talking to my friends), and club boobs gets a half star for playing kylie minogue once.
first order of business is a response to cheri g's review. i feel the exact opposite way that she feels. i feel like the west hollywood lesbian nightmare somehow mated with the FIDM-going, fake eyeglasses-wearing straight girl nightmare and laid an egg on the east side. i don't even know what isn't "scene-y" about this place except for the fact that i have never "seen" (get it???) 80% of the crowd that goes here out on the east side before, and i am a veteran. in theory, this crop of new homos would excite me, but i found most of this crowd to be rather snotty and scene-y themselves in a totally different and more obnoxious way than your average sometimes-cliquey east side dyke. this in turn makes me nervous that the west side is infiltrating the east.
which brings me to my second point, which is that whether these ladies are from the east or the west is obviously not important, but the trend of these types of west-side style nights popping up on the east is disturbing. i suppose it is the natural way of things. after all, the west side lesbian clubs clean up every night of the week and the one east-side mainstay, shotgun at the eagle, is often hit or miss in terms of turnout.
why is this? maybe the bottom line is that los angeles lesbians WANT to be around primarily femmes (in the least political sense of the word) and "soft" butches (ditto on the lack of politic plus add lots of hair pomade), they NEED to go somewhere with lounge-style seating and tealights burning, they INSIST upon paying at least $7 for a mixed drink... can this be true?
in that case, i hereby renounce my l.a. lesbian heritage in favor of what i have become increasingly comfortable with: i am an east side queer femme, and as god is my witness, i will never set foot in the booby trap again.
the girl whose review i responded to in the beginning had said she hoped it stayed cool and didn't get too scene-y, which i though was ridiculous because that place is beyond scene, in the traditional l.a. sense or the word. i couldn't help but notice that the same girl gave a nasty review to shotgun at the eagle because she felt like it was too clique-y.
i have to say that i'm unsure of how to feel about this. last year, for me, the eagle had become almost "Cheers"-like. i even kind of look like norm, but that's a whole other story. the bouncer knew me, the bartender knew me (to be fair, Kim is friendly as hell and knows everyone), 8/10 people in there any given wednesday had probably shared a beer or a cig with or even peed in front of me at some point (girl thing). what i don't quite understand is, does that make me a part of a scene, or does it just mean i went to that fucking bar way too much? i remember what it was like to not know anyone there. i remember how lonely it felt and how no one really wants to talk to you if you don't look like you belong, and even if you do sometimes! i guess i had convinced myself that it is no longer like that, after all, i don't really see most of the people i remember it being impossible to talk to when i was 22.
or do i just not see them because now they are my acquaintances and friends? these days, since i don't go out as much, when i go there i don't feel like i know nearly as many people. it's kind of jarring and i sometimes find myself looking around thinking "who the fuck...?" and then i catch myself because a) duh, i am old and someone turns 21 every day, and b) the more the merrier. the way i see shotgun/the eagle is as an inclusive place where queer east siders can be themselves, and i want my attitude, whether in that bar or anywhere else, to reflect that.
i feel truly lucky and blessed that i found my "scene" every time i go to the west side and nearly die of boredom or go into a club like booby trap where some snobby lesbian in a mini-dress is staring down one of my friends for being awesomely rowdy. even though i am the memaw of the group (unless you give me more than 4 vodkas), i hope i always have friends that want to be loud, rowdy, and dance around crazily and not care what anyone thinks. the whole booby trap thing just feels really contrived and even though they are supposedly trying to do "something new", it's not new just because it's new to lesbian clubs, and furthermore is especially not new because it is new to EAST SIDE lesbian clubs. indie song dance remixes? establishing a brand name? a plethora of girls with highlighted hair and fake lips? been there, done that, decided to stay gay on the east side, thank you very much.
let me start by saying i feel a bit overwhelmed because i haven't written for so long. you must understand that i write to you all day in my head. every time the breeze blows a grain of sand into my eye, every time i go into a bathroom that is out of hand soap, and every time i accidentally think of miley cyrus in a sexual way (so wrong), i think "that's going in the blog!"
so, as you can imagine, a week-long hiatus, particularly during a week in which i went out nearly every night, the supreme court of california overturned the ban on gay marriage, and i saw one of the best live shows i've ever seen, i have a lot to say. oh yeah, and i was kidding about miley, although i do love blasting "see you again" from my car, and it gets some weird looks from other adults. whatever, that song rules.
okay, for starters, there is a new queer night in los angeles called Wildness, which takes place at a dive bar in korea town called the silver platter on tuesday nights. the only bad things i can say about this night is that the bar is beer and wine only and that it gets a little crowded. seriously, it's totally "off the hook" as they used to say like, four years ago. what do they say now? can anyone help me be cool? email me at amandafailureprincess@gmail.com if you can. anyhoo, the night is basic in that it consists of djs, a dance floor, beer, crappy bathroom situations, etc. what makes it unique is the crowd, which is so diverse i don't even know where to start. the best way to describe it i guess would be "art fag" though that doesn't really say anything does it? let me just say that the patrons of this particular club cross all gender, orientation, ethnic, and age lines, but what they have in common, from the locals to the lookie-loos, is the desire to dance up a storm, check out awesome performances (last week was sister mantos), dress to impress (in so many ways), and just be... free i guess. i know it sounds sorta hippie-ish, but i'm into it. i've been kind of bah-humbug lately, but i would go to this every week if i had it in me. last week there was a limo parked out front where you could lounge with your friends and buy $2 tequila shots. at one point, this guy burst into the limo shouting "who has the poppers?!?!?" no, he was not joking. he never did find those poppers, but it made me feel good knowing he had them at some point. disco isn't dead, my friends.
wednesday night i went to a benefit show for my friend vanessa, whose bicycle-cum-art piece was stolen from the very place the benefit was held (echo curio). the cartographers played, there was much dancing and merriment, then we all headed to the eagle for some more fun. it was a really fun night, but again, i am having mood issues. i know it's partly pms but i feel something else at work. i just don't feel motivated to go out anymore, and it's not just cause i'm in a relationship. i just feel kind of "blah" and it makes me sad because i love my friends and i love being out and about.
i don't know what's up with that. i mean, i have a few ideas, but it's going to take a lot of effort to get to where i want to be... that being in my favorite dress and back in heels. here's the deal: i barely dance anymore. i feel impeded by two things, the first being that i'm just not comfortable with my body at all right now. this is not to say that i think there is anything wrong with how i, or any other people of size (lol, i mean fat people), look on the dance floor, as everyone knows that dancing well is more about confidence, rhythm, and making a hilarious/sexy dance face than how a person's body looks. i have seen some hot, skinny bitches massacre a dance floor before, much to my horror. seriously, i get chills up my spine just thinking of one girl in particular. eesh! still, my body just doesn't feel good to me right now. it is difficult to focus on perfecting one's booty shake when you can feel your belly fat a-jigglin' too, i'm not going to lie. the second reason i am having trouble with the dance is that i dance much better in heels, but i never wear heels anymore. i wasn't able to wear them when i was younger, but about three years ago, when i started to lose weight, i was suddenly comfortable in them and wore them out nearly every night all last summer. it's so much easier and fun to dance in heels, especially if you are going to be pulling any fancy booty-dropping moves. well, now that i have gained all this weight, i seriously can't wear them for more than 15 minutes without wanting to stab my feet to death for betraying me. i will always and forever admire those fat ladies and drag queens who can wear heels all day into the the night. hot damn!
in other news, i missed long beach gay pride this weekend, which i am pretty bummed about, BUT the awesome thing was the reason i missed saturday night was that i won 2 tickets (through perezhilton.com. don't judge me!) to see robyn! i have never won a thing in my life and i won these days before i had big plans. oh well, i decided i had to go to the show because a) i WON!, and b) i love robyn's new(ish. been out in europe forevs) album and heard her show was really brilliant. it WAS! i was so impressed by how great she sounded live and how great her band sounded as well. she has two drummers, which i have never seen before and is awesome, and a guy on keys/computer, plus sometimes one of them plays guitar. she is SO cute and adorable and i love how she is straight but has lesbian hair. the audience was 90% gay men, so of course i felt at home and at ease. i took joe as my date and he really enjoyed the show too, even though he's not a robyn fan, that's how good it was. you guys OBVIOUSLY remember robyn's hit "show me love" from the 90s, if only from the movie, right? i happen to think that song is great, but her new stuff is very different since she has her own label now, and just REALLY good. here i am enjoying the souvenir robyn canvas tote that joe bought me. you must MUST download "cobrastyle", "be mine!" (original version, not ballad), "with every heartbeat", "handle me", and "who's that girl" (produced by the knife), all of which were even better live. plus, she did an encore of "show me love" reworked to be much slower and more her new style, but very awesome to hear that song live. i was not expecting that, though i'd hoped for it.
last summer i went to long beach, l.a., and sf pride. so far this year, like i said, i missed long beach, and i don't know if i'm going to make it to sf. my one consolation is that l.a. pride is going to KICK ASS this year, thanks to the organizing of some very special peeps. last year east side pride, aka the silverlake dyke march, afterparty at the eagle, and super-party at mj higgins put on by packin' heat were so amazing, i just knew it could only get better. this year it most definitely will with dyke day l.a., a day in the park preceding the dyke march that will feature djs, bands, comedy, arts, etc. i'm REALLY REALLY excited about this because i am hungering for a queer community, a truly queer community and not the gay bar culture of west hollywood, in los angeles. i know i need to challenge myself and my own shyness and insecurity (and laziness) to become more involved. i patted myself on the back briefly because joe and i volunteered a few months ago to gather signatures to counter the people who are gathering signatures to put another anti gay marriage initiative on the ballot. then i remembered that i really sucked at getting signatures while joseph, mr. "i'm not as social as you" was ACE. you should have seen him, it was so hot. i wanted to eff him right there on those library steps! anyway, i was butt-hurt and disappointed at how bad i was at it and complained a bunch and vowed never to do it again. still, there MUST be a way to apply my talents to some type of activism, right? haha, omg, i fear that perhaps being an activist entails some kind of hope and optimism that i simply do not possess.
no, i know that's not true. i feel alive with hope when i think of all the good things to come in the future, not just for "my people," but for everyone. i did shed a few tears of joy when i read the supreme court verdict, and not just because, since finding the first true love i've ever had, i can see more than ever to possibility of walking down the aisle myself, but because of all of the committed partners that came before us and paved the way for this. this is a huge step in history, for the gay couples who never got the chance to marry, for the gay couples that will marry now after waiting so long, the gay couples that will marry in the future, and for the gay couples that will say "fuck that, i never want to get married!" because they have that choice to make. that's what the freedom to marry is about, you know, freedom. definitely one giant leap for love.
classic robyn video, "show me love". the nineties were so scary/wonderful!
the awesome video for "be mine" by robyn. such a sad, yet danceable song. my fav kind!
and to end on a happy note, robyn's GENIUS performance of "cobrastyle" (a teddybears cover) on david letterman recently. and no, her band didn't wear those bear heads at the show, heh.
i am currently on a mission to try and not look like a sea hag every day. it's not really that hard, i guess. the hardest part used to be doing my hair, but when i became a woman (three years ago), the ability to style my hair properly finally took hold and now, for the most part, my hair always looks presentable-to-nice-to-luscious.
one thing i have had trouble with over the last several years is being too damn lazy to do my makeup. i know this is shocking to those of you who know i own a mountain of cosmetics, the monetary value of which could probably send two or three orphans to college, but it's true.
i must first note that i totally respect the decision some girls make not to wear makeup at all. most of my most beautiful friends don't even know how to hold a mascara wand. but the fact remains, however shallow, that makeup makes ugly people look way less ugly, sometimes even pretty. i discovered when i was around 21 that when i go out, even grocery shopping or to the mall, that people are WAY nicer to me when i'm wearing a full face than when i am makeup free (aka foundation only... ha! like i'd EVER leave the house without foundation). the radical, status quo-hating feminist in me understands fully that this is wrong and everyone should be treated equally despite how they look, because we all have something special shining inside, but my fug-hating eyes know exactly how they feel.
the point of this all is that recently my quest for simple beauty was made much easier. i have been using and enjoying MAC studio fix liquid in NC25 with MAC mineralize skinfinish in medium over it. i love the way this looks. the studio fix liquid is a dream foundation, with great coverage, blendability, the famously wonderful MAC color selection, and none of the pore-clogging effects i have found with studio fix powder (which it broke my heart when i had to stop using it. best powder foundation EVER other than that.) right before dinah, though, i decided i needed a makeup that would be a little more hassle-free, sun, and sweat-friendly, so i repurchased bare minerals at sephora. every time i stop using this stuff then buy it again, i am reminded of why i love it so much. the coverage is brilliant, it looks like real skin (some people call that "shiny" but i always get compliments on my "glow"), and it stays on really well, even through a night of dancing. i apply it with the MAC 182 buffer brush, which is a short-handled, ultra-fluffy kabuki brush. I LOVE THIS BRUSH! it's so soft and luxurious, and at $45 it's cheaper than many luxe brushes on the market. it applies the minerals perfectly, with plenty of coverage but not too cakey.
what i'm REALLY excited about from MAC, though, is the recent launch of their Heatherette for MAC line. for those not in the know, Heatherette is a design duo out of NYC. richie rich and traver rains create outrageous, fun, over-the-top designs that are inspired by glitter, club kids, and self-described freaks. the fabulous amanda lepore is one of their muses. one of their runway shows featured lepore and recently-retired porn superstar jenna jameson as models. i was looking forward to the MAC launch because i knew that the colors would be very girlie and hopefully involve a lot of pink. then, when the Fafi for MAC line came out and the colors were so blah, disappointing, and overly-glittery, i became worried. luckily, i had no need to fear! the Heatherette line is absolutely GORGEOUS! i seriously would have bough every single lipstick, lipgloss, and powder if i could. in the end, i bought the beauty powder in "alpha girl", a warm, sheer pink with a slight sheen. it's very pale, but as colors tend to oxidize and darken on me, it shows up nicely as a natural flush. the compact is so so pretty too (bright bubblegum pink with a Heatherette logo disco ball). i also got the lipstick in "melrose mood", an opaque pepto-pink, and "lollipop loving", which is a beautiful medium peach with a green/gold shimmer. "lollipop loving" is the more wearable of the two, but i really love oddly opaque light-colored lipsticks like "melrose mood", especially with a summer tan.
the collection is mostly sold out on MAC's website, but i had no trouble finding it in stores a few weeks ago. i would definitely recommend the beauty powder and "lollipop loving" lipstick. all i have to do is dash these on, along with some black eyeliner on my lower lids and a coat of mascara, and i look summer-ready. if i'm feeling sassy, i have been wearing a bit of eyeshadow again as well, which is a nice touch. if all goes well with my new non-haggard look, i will be earning less and less disdain everywhere i go!
p.s. PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD go here to watch the Heatherette for MAC video. there is no way to embed it here, but it is the gayest thing ever and makes me feel all warm inside. why was i born with a vagina? i was meant to run free with the fags!
p.s.s. this man, andre j, international model and covergirl, is my new favorite person. i'm SO OVER lesbians with mustaches. drag queens with full beards = so all about.
i would like you all to know that i am resisting with every fiber of my being blogging about friday night lights again. wait, can i just say i must concur with emno - why can't ALL guys be matt saracens? *sigh*
anyway, my life is BEYOND boring right now. i went to a fun party for sujey's birthday on saturday, but thanks to the fact that my camera died at dinah, i have very little documentation of that fact. i have a warranty on the damn thing, but they wouldn't just give me a new one, they had to send it in for repairs, which is so annoying because you know it's just going to break again. ugh!
since i have a grand total of $60 to my very name, i obviously can't afford to get a bikini wax right now, so tomorrow i have decided to dedicate the day to grooming myself. this is going to be somewhat unpleasant, but i am armed with the knowledge i attained from my last home bikini wax and two cold PBRs so everything might be okay. i also have to pluck my eyebrows which, in case you are wondering, now have two grey trespassers. it's enough to make a grown woman cry right into her face cream. i mean, one who is a lot more shallow than i... uh, yeah.
what else? oh yeah, so we have tried the vibrating cock ring from babeland several times now. it's amazing. i will say it's a little distracting for me during "man on top" sex, because for the most part i am the kind of girl who likes things, such as clitoral and vaginal stimulation, one at a time.
when i was little, my family used to call me "cafeteria girl" because i always insisted on having each of my foods on separate plates or separated very carefully on the plate, with no one thing touching another. i guess in some ways that has spilled over into my sex life. heartwarming? creepy? well, in any case it's true. for the most part, i like to get off externally first by having my clit stimulated either manually or orally, then be penetrated and come again that way. i rarely used to come from penetration, but joe has opened a whole other world for me when it comes to that. a fun, fabulous world of wonder!
which leads us back to the cock ring. when joe is on top fucking me, it's by no means bad (how could you go wrong with a vibrator?), but it's kind of like bzzt - bzzt - bzzt, and that's a bit disconcerting when i'm trying to fully enjoy the rhythm of his thrusting. however, when i'm on top, it's a whole other story! i'm SO all about this thing. riding it, i can control the rhythm and intensity of the vibration, and the feeling of coming inside and out at the same time is unreal. the silicone cock also conducts the vibration really well, pretty much turning joe into a human vibrator with great hair and a cute smile, who makes me laugh. good times. it's kind of embarrassing being unable to control my bliss, but i think joe likes it, so it's okay. my advice to the ladies is get one and try it out. i have even heard great things about the elexa disposable vibrating ring (pictured here), which they carry at babeland as well as most major drug stores.
it's kind of crazy how sexy drug stores are getting! my local CVS basically has a wall of lube, couples massage oils, and even novelty condoms, like the inspiral dolphin condom. the original inspiral is going to be part of my condom story, as it came in the babeland condom sampler. i pretty much know how it's going to turn out because the spiral bit is supposed to enhance the wearer's pleasure, which is fairly useless to joe and i, as well as the fact that it has been my experience that the extra bagginess and texture might actually be hurty, but i will give it a try for the sake of research. i'm very dedicated and brave! the condom story is on hold for now because i am saving up to buy the vixen bandit, and i don't want to change cocks half way through the experiment. lately, we have busted out the old vixen woody, just like the one pictrured except in the vanilla color, not black.
the woody is very similar in size and shape to our goodfella, but it doesn't have balls and is made of smooth, hard silicone as opposed to vixskin silicone, which is vixen's trademark, skinlike material. i love vixskin, and they now make the mustang, which is a vixskin version of the woody. what i love about the woody over the goodfella, though, is the ridge beneath the head is slightly different. they both look VERY similar, but on the woody, despite the fact that the ridge is larger, it doesn't feel as uncomfortable. i don't know if the size compliments my anatomy better or if it has something to do with the material, but i am actually enjoying woody better than goodfella! also, because the hard silicone is so smooth, i haven't found it necessary to use a condom on it. fyi silicone can be sanitized by boiling for 5-10 minutes, which is cleanly AND fun. joe and i had a boiling party recently and it was actually wildly amusing to see all the cocks in pots on the stove. still, i can't WAIT to try the bandit. i'm looking forward to the shape and the slight size upgrade, as well as the creative positions we can dream up, thanks to the length.
well, i guess that's all. i'm on the last episode of season two of FNL and i don't know what i'm going to do after this! can i just say, why do all the boys on the show, even the assy ones, have redeeming qualities, but the girls kind of suck? a lot? i hate lyla, julie is a bratbitch, and i did not like how tyra submarined that poor girl that liked landon. the only female on the show i really like is tami taylor, the mom. she's so sassy and strong!
i am well-aware that to most of you these "list" posts seem like a copout as opposed to the hard-hitting journalistic style you are used to from Amanda: Failure Princess (HAHAHAHA), but it's monday, which, if you don't know, is my sunday. fyi, tuesday is also my sunday and wednesday is my friday, as at this time, for the most part, i seem to be somewhat unemployed. it's a real bummer on many accounts, the first of which is that my boss' daughter is seriously ill. she is set to make a great recovery, but obviously this has been a blow to her family and friends. right now my boss is really busy with her daughter and such, as to be expected, but that means my duties are on a bit of a hiatus, which is very bad for little old me, who is without another part-time job to rely upon. the good news is, i have applied for a part-time gig that would pretty much be a dream job for me. i had an interview on friday, and i think it went really well, but they're not sure right now how much help they need. cross your fingers for me that it works out, then maybe eventually i will tell you what it is... maybe... i'm a bit nervous about revealing where i work, as i DO have a couple of stalkers. okay, fine, most of them live at least 20 hours away, but still....
anyway, this list is called "things that are ruining my life right now" and they are as follows:
1) haagen dazs vanilla honeybee ice cream: see, i'm not supposed to be eating sugar, or honey, and this ice cream contains both sweeteners. OMG it's so fucking delicious! i'm kind of obsessed with honey right now, and i like that this ice cream gives me an way to avoid my terrible secret, that i like vanilla better than chocolate. i'm pretty sure they can take away my womanhood for that one, but it's the truth, god help me, the truth! it's limited edition, for now, so get some while you can!
2) the television show "friday night lights": joe got me hooked on watching this on the internet at nbc.com and now i am completely addicted. i stayed up until 9:30 a.m. last week watching season one and what do you think i'm doing up right now? THAT'S RIGHT, season two. this show is actually unbelievably well-written and entertaining, even if you are not a fan of football, male bonding, or coming-of-age stories (p.s. if you don't like coming-of-age stories, you have no soul!). one of the things i like most about the show is that it manages to use modern pop culture references without seeming cheesy or forced. like when julie walks up to her young, hot english teacher and says "here's your jose gonzales cd back, like i promised" it doesn't induce an eyeroll. as is the case with many well-written, quality, critically-acclaimed shows, "friday night lights" has struggled with ratings. according to joe it is coming back for another season, much to the delight of die-hard fans. i've got to say, i'm pretty excited about it.
3) the new kylie minogue album X: finally released in the US last week!!! of course, then i found a brand new "used" copy of the dutch special edition import. I CAN'T LISTEN TO ANYTHING ELSE! it is absolutely amazing! kylie's album fever is what i consider absolute pop perfection, and i think X comes pretty damn close to that. my favorite tracks are 2Hearts, Like A Drug, In My Arms, Speakerphone, Sensitized, and Wow, which is my absolute fav and the official song of dinah shore weekend, even though we only heard it once. in the car as we were pulling up to the hotel. whatever, it's so good! i definitely think it should have been the first single release in the US, or at lease Speakerphone. instead they chose All I See, which is kinda r&b and very danceable, but not nearly as hot as some of the other tracks on the album. i think they don't think america is ready for pure electro-pop but i don't think that's true. i could easily hear almost this whole album being played on the radio. it's not selling like hotcakes here, so american readers, PLEASE check it out and buy a copy. i want kylie to come play a gig in the states! i would DIE to see her live!
well, guys, i guess that's all for now. i mean, a lot of different things are ruining my life, but most of them aren't fun like these three. i has a great weekend, but i'm exhausted and don't know what i'm going to do with my life, blah blah blah. you know the song.
so, although i have been mysteriously MIA (aka sick to my stomach, then lazy, then without internet), my blog stats continue to climb thanks to my posts on home bikini waxing, labia, and my ever-growing australian fan base. hey, aussies, when the hell are you guys going to pool together enough money for me to bring my act on the road over there? i am pretty much dying to go to australia, thanks to the dvd's caron made me watch of kath and kim and summer heights high, so please get on buying me that plane ticket. preferably for next summer. then i won't have to know what winter is like for a whole year!
jk. sorta.
i know you are all wondering to what you owe this glorious and rare early-evening appearance. well, i'm feeling a tad woozy as i just ate and took my metformin, but i am pretty excited about a couple of things.
a) spring/summer! i love when it gets warm. i don't really know why since i hate sweating and have been too self-conscious to wear a tank top since i was seven years old. i guess i just like how everyone seems to be in a better mood (at first, at least), and you can drink cold beers (secretly) in the park, and the birds keep me company at night with their chirping.
b) as some of you know, one of my favorite writers on earth is dorothy allison. she is the kind of writer that i aspire to be, the kind of writer who makes you feel like you just sat down and she started telling you this amazing story and now you don't care that it's dinnertime or bedtime and you never want it to end. her book bastard out of carolina is in my top three favorite books of all time. when i told joe that he said something to the effect of that being a typical girl/lesbian favorite book and i was indignant. the good news is, i lent him my copy of trash, allison's book of short stories, and he's really getting into it. this makes me happy. last night i was reading aloud from it and it made me remember why i wanted to be a writer in the first place. now to keep the trials of daily life (excess facial hair, traffic, debilitating emotional scars) from blurring that dream into obscurity again.
c) dinah shore weekend is the weekend after next, and although in some ways it's going to be a working weekend for me, i am so excited and it's going to be so so so fun! if not fun, then at least "funny" and that's fine by me.
d) later this evening i am going to one of my favorite places in los angeles, babeland!
my shopping list includes a new lube they have called babeland naturals: naked organic lube. joe likes to stock up on his favorite lube, liquid silk, which i also like a lot, as it works well, has no smell, and is very... um, how shall i say... "lifelike"? it's not sticky or tacky at all like some lubes i've used in the past where you fall asleep feeling like a filthy whore (actually, i like falling asleep feeling like a filthy whore, but not because my crotch is sticky and smells like an appletini). the only problems i have with liquid silk are that, although it is mostly water-based, it does have a tiny bit of silicone (which i imagine is why it works so well), and silicone lube is not recommended for silicone toys because it can break them down. this is what happened with our very expensive vixen goodfella cock. it works fine, but it had a bad reaction and in some areas the skin looks a bit chafed, which is why we started using condoms and i discovered i like condoms better anyhow. so, in the end it all worked out, but still i would like to try a more natural, water-based lube, just for funsies. the other thing about the liquid silk is that it tastes really bitter. like i said, i'm not necessarily into candy lubes, but the description of the new babeland lubes sounds like it tastes a little sweet and nice.
the next item in my cart will be a vibrating cock ring. i have never tried one of these before, but we have improvised (i won't bore/horrify you with the details), and this seems like an exciting and logical next step to bedroom bliss. i don't know what all the options are, but i have my eye on the sonic ring kit. i'll let you know what i end up getting and how it works out.
finally, i don't know if this is going to happen because we are super-strapped for cash, but if we don't get the vixen bandit soon, i'm going to FREAK OUT. i don't know if you know this (first-time reader?), but i am kind of a brat and when i get my mind on having something, i kind of become obsessed and pouty. lately, i have been looking at the poor goodfella with such scorn that it really doesn't deserve, what with the endless days and nights of pleasure joe has brought me with it, but i am ready for something new. joe says it's good i'm not into bio-guys because if i got bored with cocks this easily in that instance, it would be a real problem. what i like about the goodfella: the vixskin feels amazing, the balls are fun/hot, its size, shape, and where it rests on the pelvis make it really great for hard packing, and it's just generally a really nice dick. hence, it will never be fully retired despite the fact that: the ridge of the head is kind of hurty for me sometimes, i am ready for a bit more girth but with a smoother head, and the longer length of the bandit should be more conducive to... uh... creativity. i'm a little wary of the length thing, as i am not one of those ladies that likes having my cervix jostled about, but i think all in all it will be better in certain positions and such. plus it's a beauty! fyi, it is also made of the amazing, easy to sanitize, super-realistic vixskin silicone.
well, i guess i'll be off. gotta go get some more writing done and ogle sex toys i can't afford. i will be posting regularly in the very near future, i promise.
first things first, i am pretty sure you guys all understand this, but i want to remind you just in case you forgot: i write these generally between 2-6 a.m. because i am a crazed night owl, so when i say "today" it means yesterday to you, and "yesterday" means the day before, etc etc.
so, regarding "today," i had one of those not leaving the house all day life sucks bummer bummer days again, but that's mostly because i cannot seem to shake these cold-like symptoms and also i went to long beach last night to hang out with the lbc crew and i drank a little too much because... well... i was in long beach.
i'm having serious self-esteem issues right now on account of the feeling that i'm wearing a fat suit on the day to day, so it was probably not the best idea to then, as my only outing of the day today, go try on a bunch of hideous clothes, but my mom came home and insisted that i go to kohl's with her, so i did. YES I SAID KOHL'S. my mom loves the new kohl's they put in in our neighborhood something awful. man, does she love it! it was actually a kind of nice outing in which we bonded over choosing colorful new bathroom rugs and a shower curtain, but then she asked me to look for something to wear to the women's luncheon we are going to this weekend. trying on clothes at kohl's of all places is not what you wanna do when you are depressed and fat. it's a wonder i didn't kill myself then and there with the pointy end of a clothes hanger, but somehow i made it out with a very simple but cute black blouse for saturday. when i get fat i instantly go goth, it's actually very sexy. hahahaha.
speaking of sexy, my friend baby d always smells really good and she refuses to tell anyone what it is she wears. i tried to explain that it's not really my jam anyway and i just wanted to know out of curiosity, but her lips are sealed. i think this plan is actually quite genius, very sexy and mysterious-like. i would steal it, in fact, but i already told the world that my signature scent is christian dior miss dior cherie. this truth was threatened recently, however, when my mom found this extra bottle of it she bought last christmas when she bought one for me. one morning i woke up with a start, sniffing like a hound because i smelled it in the air as she was leaving for work. the following evening i politely (shrilly) explained to her that as my mother she is not allowed to jack my signature scent! first of all, the strawberry, raspberry sorbet, and caramel corn notes in the scent are far too unsophisticated for a woman of her age and stature, and secondly i have a very very strong sense of scent-memory, and i cannot feel like i smell like my mother when she's headed to work in the morning as i do the things i do on a daily basis, which generally involve booze and sex. just kidding! mostly. i don't drink every day. usually.
i do, however, usually wear miss dior cherie every day because it is heavy and womanly enough for night, but also young and fruity enough for warm weather, day, and a girl my age. good stuff. some days i switch it up though, because even though i decided when i turned 25 i needed a signature scent, i am still a perfume whore. for xmas i got a bottle of yellow mat by masaki matsushima, which i have been dying to have for AGES. it basically looks and smells like sunshine in a bottle, with notes of citrus, watermelon, and then watery woods. the only problem i have with it is that it doesn't seem to me that it lasts at all, but when i wear it i always get compliments, so i guess maybe it just wears off for the wearer. oh, also, it is this close to smelling like d&g light blue and moschino i love love, both of which i love in the bottle and on others, but smell like ass on me. yellow mat smells good on me, but it has similar dry down notes so i always get nervous for a second.
then there is the matter of the new scent joe got me for vday, escada moon sparkle. i feel like that one is good for layering because it adds that fruitiness that i like. people always wrinkle their nose at fruity of foody perfumes, but i found i get so many compliments when i wear them! weird. joe does really hate my comptoir sud pacifique vanille abricot though. he makes a hideous face every time i get in the car wearing it, opens the window, and says "babe, you smell like ice cream!" EWWW ICE CREAM?!?!?! whatever, joe, what do you know? i had to explain to him that that fragrance is very popular, somewhat expensive, and from france! he did not care. the good news is i think i have discovered my new backup signature scent, should my mom, my grandma, or, say, joe himself ever decide that they too must smell like fruity lady popcorn. the new one from versace is super feminine and very floral, as you can imagine by the maker and the bottle, but it is also has a freshness to it and a slight sparkle that makes me want to check it out. i know it's the last thing i need, but what do i need really? besides money, stability, and the sweet relief that my injured mind craves day-in and day-out?
oh crap.
whatever, i also need a decent fucking mascara. i still have not found my holy grail of mascaras, but i have been buying and enjoying telescopic by l'oreal since i made this post, which is a big deal for me because normally i have no mascara attention span what-so-ever. recently i decided to stray, though not too far, to try l'oreal telescopic clean definition mascara. HUGE mistake. let me give you a tip that i have finally learned for myself: in the mascara world, "clean" means "invisible," at least on me. i have decent eyelashes, but my eyes are really tiny, so i like lots of drama to make them stand out. i'm not talking drag queen-style (well, sometimes i do break out the falsies), but i want big, full lashes. no go with this, folks. it has the same shape of brush as original telescopic, meaning it's one of those comb-style brushes that should apply a lot of product for volume, but still define the lashes well once you learn not to be too heavy-handed. what they have done with this version is made the brush out of that squishy rubber all the companies are using now to tout their wands as "clump-free." the problem with "clump-free" is it usually also means there won't be too much volume, so i would only recommend this if you already have lots of lash or if you are looking for the natural look. even then, though, this stuff if a little too gooey and wet upon application and smears and flakes a bit. no go. oh ps i also tried that new cover girl mascara "lash blast" that drew barrymore is whoring and there is NO BLAST. same problem with the rubber bush, no volume. nothing. invisible. i guess there are bigger problems in the world, but it would be nice to settle this mascara thing once and for all. i think i will try one of the newer MAC formulas next, since i can buy them for cheap with my pro card.
well, this weekend is going to be another mellow one in preparation for good times ahead. the next three weekends are going to be kinda crazy so i better rest my pipes. my throat feels like it's bleeding. no bueno.
