i'm not proud of myself for not writing for so long. i beat myself up over it pretty much daily, but i just can't figure out what to say.
i mean, i have lots to say. for example, right now i am in a real tough spot because i obviously support obama, but i'm thinking i might have to take the obama sticker off my car. this is because i am a REALLY crappy driver and there are only three weeks before the election. this election has been so crazy, i am actually totally convinced that my total inability to merge onto the freeway with speed and skill could absolutely lose this thing for obama.
also, there is this whole proposition 8 situationin california. i cannot even begin to... i mean, how can i say that... there is just no way to contain my rage. i cannot believe that this is even an issue in my state. the ads that are running on the "yes on 8" side are so unbelievable. apparently if we don't ban gay marriage NOW, our kids might have to learn tolerance in schools! i know. soon enough they will be teaching black kids how to read and women will be able to vote.
WTF.
anyway, aside from laziness, the main thing that is keeping me away from writing is that i just haven't figured out how to talk about my life right now. recently i fell further than i ever have. sure, i have had some pretty dark days, but those were when i was a teenager and all i had to do to feel better was cry in all of my classes, cut myself, and write tori amos lyrics in ballpoint pen on my fingers. those were sweet times. i realize that now that i've got some perspective.
and perspective is a funny thing. i have been working at my new job for a little over a month now and it's hard to believe i had let things go so far. i don't want to be overly optimistic because, well, i am not capable of that, but i am really, truly happy for the first time in forever. i can say this because i am making myself happy. i have missteps every day because, let's face it, that's what makes life hilarious, but i can actually say that i am clearing a path for myself. i am trying to take care of myself in ways i have neglected for way too long. okay, i promise i will get into specifics as soon as i can find the words, but let me reassure you, i am still here. i'm still a Failure Princess. there's nothing in the rules that says you can't be trying to live out your full potential while also having an awful inclination toward dropping heavy stuff on your feet and accidentally getting gum on the side of your own car.
seriously, this happens to me every time i try to litter. i know it's a total sign and i just need to stop throwing my gum out my window, but i'm taking this thing one day at a time.
if you guys think just because the weather is getting all fall-like and crisp that i have quit doing water aerobics, you are so wrong! okay, actually this is l.a. so it is only slightly fall-like and crisp but only at night , but i plan on doing water aerobics all year-long if my work schedule will permit. it's no longer my only reason for living, but it is definitely still a bright spot in my ever-darkening life. it gets pretty cold when we get out of the pool at around 7:30, and i know that will only get worse as the weather gets colder, but it's worth it. i love being in the water, especially at night.
in keeping with my general existential theme, that being failure, i cannot afford to have even a low-cost heath insurance plan. i am pretty much legally blind and my glasses are hideously ill-fitting, scratched, and horribly out of date, so i rely on my contact lenses. seeing as i have no insurance, i have been wearing the same disposable monthly pair for like seven months! this is wrong on many levels, but i have justified it by removing and cleaning them meticulously each night. well, my eyes have been bugging me lately. i have experienced itching, soreness, and sensitivity to light... all VERY BAD THINGS. oops. well, i have been trying to wear them less, but my glasses make me feel useless because they suck so much. last night i had a dream in which my eyes hurt the whole dream and they were getting puffier and puffier, like an old person's eyes, all hooded and saggy. then, finally, i looked in the mirror and i had morphed into MICHAEL DOUGLAS! wtf is that supposed to mean?
i don't know what made me think of that just now. i guess because i have been trying to wear my glasses to water aerobics because it's not super-important to see perfectly or look good, but it's hard to have on glasses in the water. there is this one girl, no, two, who wear glasses and they are both kind of the nerds of the class and they always strain really hard to hear the teacher, try to be extra-fast and impressive, and don't really ever smile or talk to anyone else. total over-achievers. it's kind of hilarious. on the other end, there are these two women, and i mean WOMEN, like, in their 30s, who obviously know each other outside of class because they talk THE WHOLE TIME. i always try to stand either away from them or near the radio, but they not only talk, they also have the nerve to stand in the medium-front-center of class! i like to be toward the front on the side, so i often end up right near them. every time i have a class with them, i think of things to say to them like, "hey, maybe you guys wanna talk about this later over lattes?" or "well, your mouths must enjoy this workout!" but then i just lower my head and suffer in silence because i don't want to alienate myself from everyone in the class. i guess some things never change, by land or by sea.
last night's class was mediocre at first because we had this one teacher that just basically stands at the edge of the pool and does these weird interpretive dance moves while practically whispering the instructions. normally, i would most def be into interpretive water dancing, but since it is a) done with no sense of irony whatsoever, and b) so unlike the GREAT workout we get from our two other teachers, it's frustrating and annoying.
then, at the very end of the class, there was this nice little moment. we were all doing the bicycle, pumping our legs in the water while using pool noodles as handlebars, when the teacher put on tina turner's version of "proud mary." slowly, softly, thirty women in a swimming pool began singing along. it was kind of embarrassing, but by the rippling glow of the underwater lights, i don't know, it was also kind of beautiful.
wow, i just filled out the longest job application ever of all time. thank god it was online. the best part was how it renewed my confidence in my ability to bullshit. the second best part was how i bullshitted like an old pro in the free form section and then at the VERY end there were three simple yes/no experience-related questions which will undoubtedly determine whose applications they will and will not read. my answer to each was no.
moving on...
today, as i rode to water aerobics class alongside my mother in her silvery grey VW Passat, i realized that if it weren't for water aerobics, i would almost never leave the house before 9 p.m., if at all. in fact, i am fairly certain that if not for water aerobics and all the internet research i have been doing on past olympic heroes, my body and brain would have completely atrophied by now. as i sat there, uncomfortably close to the woman whose hopes and dreams for me i have disappointed time and again, it occurred to me that if i don't figure out what to do soon, i might have to actually commit suicide. not because i am particularly melancholy at the moment, but because it is just starting to sound like one of the most viable options. at this point, i can't even imagine myself at a regular job. i can barely imagine myself getting out of my nightgown or looking at the sun, if you want to know the truth.
i know this all sounds fairly abysmal, but fear not, dear friendly readers, for i have since then come to the conclusion that attempting to take my own life is out of the question, if only because i currently have no health insurance and, let's face it, truly lack any real sense of follow-through. therefore, the likelihood is i will simply find myself again in the emergency room of san gabriel hospital, only this time having caused my mother hundreds or thousands of dollars in medical bills. that is certainly no way to re-earn her trust in my abilities. no way!
for this you can thank the re-run i watched, in my nightgown, of course, of an episode of oprah on the u.s. healthcare crisis.
for the record, my nightgown is very short, sassy, and sexy. i was getting nervous that it is probably starting to infuriate my mom to come home to me on the couch in my nightgown (although to be fair, looking for jobs on craigslist), so yesterday i put a shirt over it and pretended it was a skirt. today i changed into my bathing suit before she even got home, as to tip her off to my eagerness to join the living world in the great out of doors.
you may be wondering why i am spending so much time at my mother's in the first place. first of all there is the price of gas. i don't have the funds (duh) to be galavanting around the city. secondly, well, i don't know if you know this, but joe and i don't technically live together. we periodically try to spend more time apart so that when that glorious day comes, it will be all the sweeter, however we tend to fail miserably at that. i think this time will be the charm though, because honestly i am not doing so well and it's not good for a new-ish couple when a man regularly comes home from a hard day in the print lab to find his beloved wifey despondent and chain-smoking tear-stained parliament lights, with both feet dangling menacingly over an inadequately lofty balcony.
what i need is to take control of my own destiny. i need to apply myself to seriously looking for a second job and selling myself, limited skills but stellar personality, to prospective employers. i need to apply what i have learned about myself in the last two years to actively changing patterns i have followed my entire life. i need to apply some goddamned mascara, throw open the front door and say, "look world, i know you have given me many chances, and i took a terrified shit on every single one, but i'm here now, and i'm ready to start creating the life i want to be in!"
shortly after that, it will occur to me that i am deep in the suburbs of san gabriel, where people actually work during the day, and no one probably heard me, or cared, but somehow that won't matter, because i have had the right audience time and time again, but this time i will have finally found the voice.
lately i had begun to think that none of my dreams would ever come true. oh, sorry, i think i am using the term "dreams" rather loosely. i don't really have any of those kind that begin with "someday i'll be..." or "i want to achieve success in the field of..."
i just wasn't built that way.
it was revisiting this thought, that most of the dreams i dream are rather small, that finally cheered me up a bit this weekend, as it also brought me to the realization that i have actually been living out many of my dreams left and right! first off, i now own and love a vixen bandit dildo (which i promise to review later this week), started taking a water aerobics class (more on that in another post), and finally made it into the basement of the staples center.
but let me start at the beginning.
it was friday, august 1st, 2008 at 2:30 p.m. joseph and i were headed to the X-Games 14 women's street skate finals, which were being held on a large course built on a parking lot just outside the staples center in downtown l.a. we were going there to watch my friends amy caron, vanessa torres, sophie poppe, and evelien bouilliart compete. i was also looking forward to watching marisa dal santo, as i had never seen her skate in person, and leticia bufoni, whom i had seen the weekend before at the S3 Supergirl competition in huntington beach. leticia is a 15 year-old brazilian tiny who skates like a maniac. look, i don't know anything about skating and i won't pretend to, but i know what i like to watch. it's fun to watch them when they have serious tenacity and keep going after a trick until they get it, or make it look easy (i think that's called "style"). anyway, i love watching little leticia almost as much as i like watching my good friends skate. marisa (who won the silver medal that day) was fucking awesome to watch too, as well as (obviously) the day's gold medal winner elissa steamer.
but my most favorite skater EVER, partly because she's awesome at skating, partly because she is really funny, and partly because last summer she looked-after my black-out drunken ass in ways i may never know, is amy caron, and i am so proud of her for winning the bronze medal!
the competition was set up in three jams of seven minutes each on different parts of the course. joe and i had awesome passes because sophie hooked us up with her friends and family passes, so the view was great to watch the comp, but not so great for taking pics because i couldn't actually get on the course. everyone was skating really well, but it seemed by the third jam, which was on a rail, that leticia bufoni and rachel reinhard were duking it out for third place, at least that's what the announcers were saying. it did seem like they were both hitting the pavement hard trying to complete some fancy kickflips over the stairs, and according to what the girls said later, that part of the course was really gnarly, which i assume means steep. it's hard to get that perspective when you are standing beside it, but i guess it looks much more daunting standing at the top staring down at the pavement below, or rather careening toward it on a piece of wood with wheels on it
anyway, as i said, amy had been skating well, but i don't think she felt like she was in medal contention,
or at least that's what i was getting from her body language after the third jam. when she heard that she was currently in fourth place just before the final jam began, though, it was really on. the crowd watched her kick it into overdrive, and it was an amazing thing to see. if i remember correctly, she was the only person to skate the ledge, and the trick she did was beautiful. it is called a 5-0 and please don't ask me why that is, but here is what it looked like. after this part there was a perfect landing and a lot of cheering. it was awesome.
the rest, as they say, is history. amy won the bronze medal at X-Games for the second year in a row and it was time to celebrate. the first thing we did was head down to the athlete's lounge at the staples center to hang out and wait for her to be done with interviews and stuff. the passes we had enabled us to go down there, but we needed to have another special pass to actually WALK down there. it was kind of ridiculous, but it made me feel very special and VIP when we finally found someone to escort us down. okay, so i never realized i had always dreamed of walking into the bowels of the staples center until i
was doing it, but it was just sort of exhilarating! almost as exciting as the actual athlete's lounge, which was stocked with all manner of free non-alcoholic
beverages, a catering station, baskets and baskets of powerbar products, a free photobooth, massage therapist, flat screen tv, leather couches, and a unisex bathroom! i felt like kobe bryant himself! i'm pretty sure i opened one of each of every free drink in the place just to taste it. unfortunately i am a moron who was in the direct sun for four hours that day and i lost my head, so the only two pictures i have of the experience are one of half of sophie's face and marisa and evelien eating free sandwiches and one of amy texting really gay-ly. BEST DAY EVER
now, i know this coverage isn't exactly in-depth, as i obviously know nothing about the technical aspects of skateboarding, but i wanted to share my day with you. i was super-disappointed when i went to the X-Games blog and was met with this post about the women's event, which is lackluster at best, and downright offensive at worst. i guess it is supposed to be flip and funny in the classic skateboarder way, but i didn't find it amusing and a lot of the information was wrong. one would think that in a sports world that lives outside of the norm, that women wouldn't have to work extra hard to be considered legit, but i guess some things are universal.
anyway, here is the video of the highlights they posted, thankfully.
on the up-side, i had a great time hanging out with all the girls at once. sophie and evelien were visiting from belgium, vanessa was down from northern california, marisa says funny stuff and is from chicago, and meeting leticia was really cool, even though there is a language barrier. these women have the ultimate respect for each other, as athletes and as people, and they drive each other, which makes the sport even better.
*the picture of amy's 5-0 trick was taken by ashley brennan (click to make photos larger). you can see a few more of my pics from the competition and the ensuing madness on my Flickr page.
let me start by saying i feel a bit overwhelmed because i haven't written for so long. you must understand that i write to you all day in my head. every time the breeze blows a grain of sand into my eye, every time i go into a bathroom that is out of hand soap, and every time i accidentally think of miley cyrus in a sexual way (so wrong), i think "that's going in the blog!"
so, as you can imagine, a week-long hiatus, particularly during a week in which i went out nearly every night, the supreme court of california overturned the ban on gay marriage, and i saw one of the best live shows i've ever seen, i have a lot to say. oh yeah, and i was kidding about miley, although i do love blasting "see you again" from my car, and it gets some weird looks from other adults. whatever, that song rules.
okay, for starters, there is a new queer night in los angeles called Wildness, which takes place at a dive bar in korea town called the silver platter on tuesday nights. the only bad things i can say about this night is that the bar is beer and wine only and that it gets a little crowded. seriously, it's totally "off the hook" as they used to say like, four years ago. what do they say now? can anyone help me be cool? email me at amandafailureprincess@gmail.com if you can. anyhoo, the night is basic in that it consists of djs, a dance floor, beer, crappy bathroom situations, etc. what makes it unique is the crowd, which is so diverse i don't even know where to start. the best way to describe it i guess would be "art fag" though that doesn't really say anything does it? let me just say that the patrons of this particular club cross all gender, orientation, ethnic, and age lines, but what they have in common, from the locals to the lookie-loos, is the desire to dance up a storm, check out awesome performances (last week was sister mantos), dress to impress (in so many ways), and just be... free i guess. i know it sounds sorta hippie-ish, but i'm into it. i've been kind of bah-humbug lately, but i would go to this every week if i had it in me. last week there was a limo parked out front where you could lounge with your friends and buy $2 tequila shots. at one point, this guy burst into the limo shouting "who has the poppers?!?!?" no, he was not joking. he never did find those poppers, but it made me feel good knowing he had them at some point. disco isn't dead, my friends.
wednesday night i went to a benefit show for my friend vanessa, whose bicycle-cum-art piece was stolen from the very place the benefit was held (echo curio). the cartographers played, there was much dancing and merriment, then we all headed to the eagle for some more fun. it was a really fun night, but again, i am having mood issues. i know it's partly pms but i feel something else at work. i just don't feel motivated to go out anymore, and it's not just cause i'm in a relationship. i just feel kind of "blah" and it makes me sad because i love my friends and i love being out and about.
i don't know what's up with that. i mean, i have a few ideas, but it's going to take a lot of effort to get to where i want to be... that being in my favorite dress and back in heels. here's the deal: i barely dance anymore. i feel impeded by two things, the first being that i'm just not comfortable with my body at all right now. this is not to say that i think there is anything wrong with how i, or any other people of size (lol, i mean fat people), look on the dance floor, as everyone knows that dancing well is more about confidence, rhythm, and making a hilarious/sexy dance face than how a person's body looks. i have seen some hot, skinny bitches massacre a dance floor before, much to my horror. seriously, i get chills up my spine just thinking of one girl in particular. eesh! still, my body just doesn't feel good to me right now. it is difficult to focus on perfecting one's booty shake when you can feel your belly fat a-jigglin' too, i'm not going to lie. the second reason i am having trouble with the dance is that i dance much better in heels, but i never wear heels anymore. i wasn't able to wear them when i was younger, but about three years ago, when i started to lose weight, i was suddenly comfortable in them and wore them out nearly every night all last summer. it's so much easier and fun to dance in heels, especially if you are going to be pulling any fancy booty-dropping moves. well, now that i have gained all this weight, i seriously can't wear them for more than 15 minutes without wanting to stab my feet to death for betraying me. i will always and forever admire those fat ladies and drag queens who can wear heels all day into the the night. hot damn!
in other news, i missed long beach gay pride this weekend, which i am pretty bummed about, BUT the awesome thing was the reason i missed saturday night was that i won 2 tickets (through perezhilton.com. don't judge me!) to see robyn! i have never won a thing in my life and i won these days before i had big plans. oh well, i decided i had to go to the show because a) i WON!, and b) i love robyn's new(ish. been out in europe forevs) album and heard her show was really brilliant. it WAS! i was so impressed by how great she sounded live and how great her band sounded as well. she has two drummers, which i have never seen before and is awesome, and a guy on keys/computer, plus sometimes one of them plays guitar. she is SO cute and adorable and i love how she is straight but has lesbian hair. the audience was 90% gay men, so of course i felt at home and at ease. i took joe as my date and he really enjoyed the show too, even though he's not a robyn fan, that's how good it was. you guys OBVIOUSLY remember robyn's hit "show me love" from the 90s, if only from the movie, right? i happen to think that song is great, but her new stuff is very different since she has her own label now, and just REALLY good. here i am enjoying the souvenir robyn canvas tote that joe bought me. you must MUST download "cobrastyle", "be mine!" (original version, not ballad), "with every heartbeat", "handle me", and "who's that girl" (produced by the knife), all of which were even better live. plus, she did an encore of "show me love" reworked to be much slower and more her new style, but very awesome to hear that song live. i was not expecting that, though i'd hoped for it.
last summer i went to long beach, l.a., and sf pride. so far this year, like i said, i missed long beach, and i don't know if i'm going to make it to sf. my one consolation is that l.a. pride is going to KICK ASS this year, thanks to the organizing of some very special peeps. last year east side pride, aka the silverlake dyke march, afterparty at the eagle, and super-party at mj higgins put on by packin' heat were so amazing, i just knew it could only get better. this year it most definitely will with dyke day l.a., a day in the park preceding the dyke march that will feature djs, bands, comedy, arts, etc. i'm REALLY REALLY excited about this because i am hungering for a queer community, a truly queer community and not the gay bar culture of west hollywood, in los angeles. i know i need to challenge myself and my own shyness and insecurity (and laziness) to become more involved. i patted myself on the back briefly because joe and i volunteered a few months ago to gather signatures to counter the people who are gathering signatures to put another anti gay marriage initiative on the ballot. then i remembered that i really sucked at getting signatures while joseph, mr. "i'm not as social as you" was ACE. you should have seen him, it was so hot. i wanted to eff him right there on those library steps! anyway, i was butt-hurt and disappointed at how bad i was at it and complained a bunch and vowed never to do it again. still, there MUST be a way to apply my talents to some type of activism, right? haha, omg, i fear that perhaps being an activist entails some kind of hope and optimism that i simply do not possess.
no, i know that's not true. i feel alive with hope when i think of all the good things to come in the future, not just for "my people," but for everyone. i did shed a few tears of joy when i read the supreme court verdict, and not just because, since finding the first true love i've ever had, i can see more than ever to possibility of walking down the aisle myself, but because of all of the committed partners that came before us and paved the way for this. this is a huge step in history, for the gay couples who never got the chance to marry, for the gay couples that will marry now after waiting so long, the gay couples that will marry in the future, and for the gay couples that will say "fuck that, i never want to get married!" because they have that choice to make. that's what the freedom to marry is about, you know, freedom. definitely one giant leap for love.
classic robyn video, "show me love". the nineties were so scary/wonderful!
the awesome video for "be mine" by robyn. such a sad, yet danceable song. my fav kind!
and to end on a happy note, robyn's GENIUS performance of "cobrastyle" (a teddybears cover) on david letterman recently. and no, her band didn't wear those bear heads at the show, heh.
i need to apologize upfront because i am simply not in the mood to write today and kind of need to go to bed, but alas, here i am, spewing forth my mediocrity into cyberspace.
i was displeased with myself because i was so exhausted that i slept in on sunday and ran super-late to the lesbian soccer picnic, but there were still plenty of people there when we got there and the game was well underway. i only took a few pictures and then gave ajai my camera to take some. the best part of the day was actually when vanessa and kp gotthere with tons of delicious food for everyone, including folding table and playboy paper tablecloth (lesbians love boobs, rabbits, and bowties, so that logo really works for us), but by that time i had retired the camera in favor of a PBR so i don't have any pictures of that or the dog who ate joe's salsa. damnit.
some of us were slightly irate that instead of going to the much more local elysian park we trekked into the hollywood hills to this new place, but as scarlet pointed out, the ground was much flatter and better for soccer. unfortunately, upon arrival everyone noticed the signs that say NO SOCCER posted out front, which are clearly an attempt to keep latinos and lesbians at bay, but to no avail! soccer is apparently the game of my people, but i don't play it. what i do play is drinking beers in public and peeing on hillsides above multi-million dollar homes, so i wholeheartedly supported the general consensus to play soccer anyway, as i am no stranger to bending the rules.
on the whole, it was a great day. i woke up, had sex, ate the crust from a slice of pizza joe was eating, had many laughs with my friends, then later hung out with my bff jenny and saw her new apartment. life is pretty good right now, if i may say.
*waits for wrench*
p.s. notice the lack of pictures of the actual game? this is journalistic gold, people. gold!
so, although i have been mysteriously MIA (aka sick to my stomach, then lazy, then without internet), my blog stats continue to climb thanks to my posts on home bikini waxing, labia, and my ever-growing australian fan base. hey, aussies, when the hell are you guys going to pool together enough money for me to bring my act on the road over there? i am pretty much dying to go to australia, thanks to the dvd's caron made me watch of kath and kim and summer heights high, so please get on buying me that plane ticket. preferably for next summer. then i won't have to know what winter is like for a whole year!
jk. sorta.
i know you are all wondering to what you owe this glorious and rare early-evening appearance. well, i'm feeling a tad woozy as i just ate and took my metformin, but i am pretty excited about a couple of things.
a) spring/summer! i love when it gets warm. i don't really know why since i hate sweating and have been too self-conscious to wear a tank top since i was seven years old. i guess i just like how everyone seems to be in a better mood (at first, at least), and you can drink cold beers (secretly) in the park, and the birds keep me company at night with their chirping.
b) as some of you know, one of my favorite writers on earth is dorothy allison. she is the kind of writer that i aspire to be, the kind of writer who makes you feel like you just sat down and she started telling you this amazing story and now you don't care that it's dinnertime or bedtime and you never want it to end. her book bastard out of carolina is in my top three favorite books of all time. when i told joe that he said something to the effect of that being a typical girl/lesbian favorite book and i was indignant. the good news is, i lent him my copy of trash, allison's book of short stories, and he's really getting into it. this makes me happy. last night i was reading aloud from it and it made me remember why i wanted to be a writer in the first place. now to keep the trials of daily life (excess facial hair, traffic, debilitating emotional scars) from blurring that dream into obscurity again.
c) dinah shore weekend is the weekend after next, and although in some ways it's going to be a working weekend for me, i am so excited and it's going to be so so so fun! if not fun, then at least "funny" and that's fine by me.
d) later this evening i am going to one of my favorite places in los angeles, babeland!
my shopping list includes a new lube they have called babeland naturals: naked organic lube. joe likes to stock up on his favorite lube, liquid silk, which i also like a lot, as it works well, has no smell, and is very... um, how shall i say... "lifelike"? it's not sticky or tacky at all like some lubes i've used in the past where you fall asleep feeling like a filthy whore (actually, i like falling asleep feeling like a filthy whore, but not because my crotch is sticky and smells like an appletini). the only problems i have with liquid silk are that, although it is mostly water-based, it does have a tiny bit of silicone (which i imagine is why it works so well), and silicone lube is not recommended for silicone toys because it can break them down. this is what happened with our very expensive vixen goodfella cock. it works fine, but it had a bad reaction and in some areas the skin looks a bit chafed, which is why we started using condoms and i discovered i like condoms better anyhow. so, in the end it all worked out, but still i would like to try a more natural, water-based lube, just for funsies. the other thing about the liquid silk is that it tastes really bitter. like i said, i'm not necessarily into candy lubes, but the description of the new babeland lubes sounds like it tastes a little sweet and nice.
the next item in my cart will be a vibrating cock ring. i have never tried one of these before, but we have improvised (i won't bore/horrify you with the details), and this seems like an exciting and logical next step to bedroom bliss. i don't know what all the options are, but i have my eye on the sonic ring kit. i'll let you know what i end up getting and how it works out.
finally, i don't know if this is going to happen because we are super-strapped for cash, but if we don't get the vixen bandit soon, i'm going to FREAK OUT. i don't know if you know this (first-time reader?), but i am kind of a brat and when i get my mind on having something, i kind of become obsessed and pouty. lately, i have been looking at the poor goodfella with such scorn that it really doesn't deserve, what with the endless days and nights of pleasure joe has brought me with it, but i am ready for something new. joe says it's good i'm not into bio-guys because if i got bored with cocks this easily in that instance, it would be a real problem. what i like about the goodfella: the vixskin feels amazing, the balls are fun/hot, its size, shape, and where it rests on the pelvis make it really great for hard packing, and it's just generally a really nice dick. hence, it will never be fully retired despite the fact that: the ridge of the head is kind of hurty for me sometimes, i am ready for a bit more girth but with a smoother head, and the longer length of the bandit should be more conducive to... uh... creativity. i'm a little wary of the length thing, as i am not one of those ladies that likes having my cervix jostled about, but i think all in all it will be better in certain positions and such. plus it's a beauty! fyi, it is also made of the amazing, easy to sanitize, super-realistic vixskin silicone.
well, i guess i'll be off. gotta go get some more writing done and ogle sex toys i can't afford. i will be posting regularly in the very near future, i promise.
it's not that i HATE change. it's just that i hate not being able to control it and every other aspect of the universe, as long as i'm at it. i don't like not being able to to make myself feel the exact same way i did at any given time, or have things be the exact same way.
for example, the radio station in l.a. Movin' 93.9, has changed it's format after only a few months on the air. WTF??? okay, it's not radically different, but the tagline used to be "the mix that makes you move" and now it's "the 70s and 80s mix that makes you move." this means that, while you can still hear such 80s classics as nice and wild's "diamond girl," you will not be hearing any current dance hits, or even any from the 90s. what it also means is that you will hear a shit ton of disco. this is fine if you crash weddings just to hear kool and the gang sing "celebration" or are my mother. if you are anything like me, though, it makes you very sad and depressed because you fucking hate disco.
i dunno, i was going to maybe start an angry letter-writing campaign, but my past angry letter-writing campaigns have all been imaginary, and therefore not very effective. see: the giant misogynistic american apparel billboard on sunset above burrito king. look, i like ass to the point that it is nearly criminal, but that ad is just ridiculous. i report this injustice to you, of course, from beneath the cradling fibers of solid black american apparel super-low v-neck. damn damn!
another change i am lamenting is the loss of jane magazine. i know this is old news, but it's really just barely starting to sink in. maybe it's because i am moving back into my old room and realizing that i have PILES AND PILES of old jane mags, as i refuse to throw away anything flammable. i really enjoyed jane because it was super-girly. but with a feminist edge. bust is good too, but it's not the same. firstly, there isn't enough makeup in it, and secondly, they seem like they are trying so hard to be liberating to women that they have actually taken things way too far. they talk about penises too much, and how to get one in your mouth and fast, "because you CAN and it's OKAY to be a feminist and a slut." i agree, but i don't need to hear about it that much. plus, i don't like penises. well, not the kind you can't sanitize by boiling anyway.
to be honest, the real reason i was extra-bummed at jane's passing was because i guess i always imagined there would be an article about me in there someday. no, not the cover, but a modest, yet illuminating interview piece. it would feature a picture of me, probably sitting on some stairs, smiling wryly with the side of my face resting in my hand. the subtitle would be "this 'Failure Princess' is a real success" and it would be HILARIOUS. oh well. another dream washed away by th cruel tides of time. what are you gonna do?
I KNOW! quit your job with no alternate plan in mind! well, that's what i did anyway, and i feel GREAT. sure, i am totally fucked financially, but you know, i am tired of sitting around and waiting for something good to happen in my career. i'm going to go out and grab it. i don't care if i end up writing ebay descriptions for a living, i am going to write professionally. it's my time to shine, i just know it. well, i actually have no idea, but that's what i have been told by astrologyzone.com, the psychic that lives with my friend ajai, and most importantly, j, who is totally not blinded by love or breasts.
and so it begins. my search for a job on craigslist, thoughts of going to school, technically living at my mother's house (don't tell her, but i am really not living here at all)... all of it. and yet, i am unafraid. some might say this is because i am foolish and spoiled, but i think it's because this time i am armed with something i have never had before. well, a couple of things.
one thing that really confuses me is intelligence.
omg, that sentence was so funny, hahaha.
what i mean is, all the different types of intelligence(s?) i mean, i think i'm pretty smart and fucking on top of things, and yet, there really is so little evidence to support that conclusion. for example, when i was younger, people used to say, "oh, that amanda-faye. she is so book smart, but not street smart" on account of the fact that i couldn't find my way from the front door of my house to the back door, let alone home from the grocery store were my mother ever to accidently abandon me there. this remains true today. seriously though, how i am i supposed to know all the names of every street? it is confusing. and i don't see why i should have to do things like put air in my own tires or call the medical insurance people and ask a bunch of questions about payments and coverage and stuff. shouldn't i just be able to go to the doctor whenever i want and not think about such complex dealings? i don't even know where to begin...
and i do stupid things all the time. for some reason, it is pretty much a given that if i pet a cat, moments later i am going to jam my fingers directly into my eye and scratch it as though my hand were clean and i was not mildly allergic to cats, puffiness and redness will ensue, and there is seemingly no lesson learned. goddamn it! aw, speaking of, my roomates just got a cat. her name is stevie nicks and she is an adult russian blue. i was glad they got a grown-up cat because i am starting to realize that my distaste for childen is spilling over onto baby animals. kittens and puppies are cute, i guess, but they are one huge pain in the ass, if you ask me. i prefer cats like stevie, who know where to poop, how to communicate their needs, and like to curl up on top of your laptop bag and quietly listen to you type into the wee hours of the morning. this is also the kind of girlfriend i want, btw, so i am not expecting to become involved with someone any time soon.
anyway, that was all fine and well, i guess, when i was book smart, but i don't really think i am any more. i have a very special relationship with books and writings in general, but i haven't been in any really academic classes in school for years and i haven't read an entire book in probably six months. that is really embarrassing for me to admit because books used to be my life-force. i could read two fat ones in one day. granted, the books i read were never anything overly cerebral, but i always chose ones that would enrich my mind in some way. in fact, i was always a huge nerd in elementary school with at least three non-textbooks in my backpack at a time. in fourth grade i started a mini-library from my desk and lent out a bunch of my R.L. Stine and Christopher Pike books. damned if some of those books never came back! stealing from unpopular nerds = cool, i guess, haha. by god, i wish i had them now because maybe i could use one of them to jump start me into something a little more heavy and written for, like, adults. say what you will, but Pike was good. i think those books really built up my vocab as a child. maybe that's why i am so dramatic and borderline catastrophic now, but whatevs. my favorite one was fall into darkness. i have read it like a hundred times and it's still so good! the story is about a girl who fakes her death to get revenge but the undertones are so intense and mournful and really not for children, hehe. i also always loved the cover. imagine my RAGE when they changed it to reflect the t.v. movie out of the book starring tatiana m. ali (ashley banks from fresh prince of bel air) and jonathan brandis (teen heartthrob of the film "ladybugs." may he RIP).
well, so i know i'm not DUMB, but i'm no literary genius. shockingly insightful, yes, but what does it all mean? where does it come from? what can i do with it?
i know i make grammar and speling mistakes on my blog all the time (i actually just typed that as "blof" hahahaha. thanks, backspace) but that's partly because i get so excited and don't actually know how to type. please email me with all concerns, as i am usually kind of a stickler for that stuff. SERIOUSLY. what my point is, i have always been like that, and just kind of assumed that people who didn't have a huge interest in vocabulary, grammar, and spelling were morons, but as i grow older and wiser (shut up) i am starting to see that isn't necessarily the case. some of the smartest and funniest people i know have terrible written grammar. yes, it DRIVES ME ABSOLUTELY INSANE, but i suppose there comes a time in our lives where we have to accept each others' differences and share our diverse knowlege with one another without forcing our way upon anyone else or judging them. i'm totally enjoying everything i have been learning lately, in the most unlikely places.
alright, now stevie is ramming her head into my computer screen purring and she just swatted at my hand as i type. spoke too soon? yes, but at least somebody wants to love me right now.
although i definitely take notice of them, to say that i am adherant to life's signs and omens is a touch inaccurate. this is because what i actually tend to do is notice them then do the exact opposite of what they seem to be trying to tell me. today i came home from hanging out at my friend's house feeling alright. i did good today. i went to work even though i am deathly ill with a cold, then i went to ajai's and had a chat, went for a walk in the hills (fell in love with l.a. again), ate some soup, didn't drink a drop of the "healing" whiskey presented to me, and came home ready to begin preparing for a similar day tomorrow. well, as i walked to my front door, laying directly in the front walkway was a dead pigeon. i guess that would have not been too bad if it looked like it was mangled by a cat or something, but it looked like it literally plunked down in mid-flight.
yikes.
so i'm going out of town this weekend!
to san francisco gay pride for the first time. i am super-excited because i need to get the fuck away for a while, and yet a ton of my friends are going so it's going to be like having the comforts of home without the home part and with way more erotic lesbian foreplay.
i have been making the necessary preparations. got a haircut and a wax on friday, staying in all this week to save money and energy, and am walking up as many hills as possible to cut my complaining quota in half. i'm not really planning on having illicit sex with any bay area hussies, but i intend upon enjoying my fair share of make-out sessions. i don't know, maybe it won't happen though. i am kind of shy and now i am paranoid about my perfume. a couple of weeks ago i was at what may have been the kickoff of lesbain make-out season, and this girl i was making out with went for the neck. moments later she recoiled, squinting and batting at her tongue in distaste. too much dior, TOO MUCH DIOR! oops. maybe jessica simpson was onto something with those flavored "dessert" fragrances. too bad i think they got discontinued because they smelled like melty popsicle twat. oh well. i happen to know i have a pretty good natural chemistry/smell/taste, but i like smelling expensive. now, how to do so without tasting like bittersweet death? i just don't know. quite a quandary.
anyhoo, as promised, here are a few pics from the silverlake dyke march. they are not good pictures, but they give you an idea of the fun:
the requisite gaint lamé vulva and cigarette girls
dykes on bicycles love lisa's belt buckle more than they love the camera
sujey, ajai, jaime lopez, and des. i told them to look extra gay. success!
new stripey friend, sonia, and dj jay. also looking gay.
lisa jumpstarting the unicycle girl. gaysian pride.
queer sex workers do it better... wait, IT means carrying banners, right? mommy?
i'd say despite my crappy pictures and camera dying within moments of the march getting underway, it was a complete success. well, it looked like one anyway. the crowd was more than twice as large as it was two years ago when i last went, and was filled with women of every age, size, and color. plus a bunch of really supportive people in passing cars, honking and waving away. it was pretty inspiring actually.
we decided to taper off all that feminine energy by attending gay pride in west hollywood, home of the largest selection of shirtless men ever, the next day. it was actually pretty fun. i mean, i had moments where i looked around at some of the people there and was like, "ew" but then i thought, "wait, amanda-faye, you are being awfully hoity-toity for a girl who just used a porta-potty that was out of toilet paper and thus wiped with a flier for a gay dating website!" touché, voice of reason, touché.
once we made our way to the hip hop tent, things took a turn for the better. there was a small crowd surrounding some breakdancers and i was thinking, whatevs, i don't want to watch them, i want to show off my own moves. but oh no, these people were amazing! the boys were so good, and this one girl was outrageously good. it made me want to seriously practice my moves.
well, that's all i got. i have some new batts for my camera so this pride weekend is going to be well-documented photographically, i promise! kind of sad to think that after this weekend there will be no more local gay pride events... wait, actually we are all supposed to go to l.a. black pride in july. yesss!
plus there is that whole being proud year-round thing. duh.
