wow, i just filled out the longest job application ever of all time. thank god it was online. the best part was how it renewed my confidence in my ability to bullshit. the second best part was how i bullshitted like an old pro in the free form section and then at the VERY end there were three simple yes/no experience-related questions which will undoubtedly determine whose applications they will and will not read. my answer to each was no.
moving on…
today, as i rode to water aerobics class alongside my mother in her silvery grey VW Passat, i realized that if it weren't for water aerobics, i would almost never leave the house before 9 p.m., if at all. in fact, i am fairly certain that if not for water aerobics and all the internet research i have been doing on past olympic heroes, my body and brain would have completely atrophied by now. as i sat there, uncomfortably close to the woman whose hopes and dreams for me i have disappointed time and again, it occurred to me that if i don't figure out what to do soon, i might have to actually commit suicide. not because i am particularly melancholy at the moment, but because it is just starting to sound like one of the most viable options. at this point, i can't even imagine myself at a regular job. i can barely imagine myself getting out of my nightgown or looking at the sun, if you want to know the truth.
i know this all sounds fairly abysmal, but fear not, dear friendly readers, for i have since then come to the conclusion that attempting to take my own life is out of the question, if only because i currently have no health insurance and, let's face it, truly lack any real sense of follow-through. therefore, the likelihood is i will simply find myself again in the emergency room of san gabriel hospital, only this time having caused my mother hundreds or thousands of dollars in medical bills. that is certainly no way to re-earn her trust in my abilities. no way!
for this you can thank the re-run i watched, in my nightgown, of course, of an episode of oprah on the u.s. healthcare crisis.
for the record, my nightgown is very short, sassy, and sexy. i was getting nervous that it is probably starting to infuriate my mom to come home to me on the couch in my nightgown (although to be fair, looking for jobs on craigslist), so yesterday i put a shirt over it and pretended it was a skirt. today i changed into my bathing suit before she even got home, as to tip her off to my eagerness to join the living world in the great out of doors.
you may be wondering why i am spending so much time at my mother's in the first place. first of all there is the price of gas. i don't have the funds (duh) to be galavanting around the city. secondly, well, i don't know if you know this, but joe and i don't technically live together. we periodically try to spend more time apart so that when that glorious day comes, it will be all the sweeter, however we tend to fail miserably at that. i think this time will be the charm though, because honestly i am not doing so well and it's not good for a new-ish couple when a man regularly comes home from a hard day in the print lab to find his beloved wifey despondent and chain-smoking tear-stained parliament lights, with both feet dangling menacingly over an inadequately lofty balcony.
what i need is to take control of my own destiny. i need to apply myself to seriously looking for a second job and selling myself, limited skills but stellar personality, to prospective employers. i need to apply what i have learned about myself in the last two years to actively changing patterns i have followed my entire life. i need to apply some goddamned mascara, throw open the front door and say, "look world, i know you have given me many chances, and i took a terrified shit on every single one, but i'm here now, and i'm ready to start creating the life i want to be in!"
shortly after that, it will occur to me that i am deep in the suburbs of san gabriel, where people actually work during the day, and no one probably heard me, or cared, but somehow that won't matter, because i have had the right audience time and time again, but this time i will have finally found the voice.
