so, a few weeks ago i was at a party where i didn’t know that many people. for some reason everyone i knew kept coming and going in shifts, but i stayed because it was my friend’s birthday and for some reason, even though i had only three drinks, i did not feel sober enough to drive (maybe it was a contact high? oh, marijuana, i DENOUNCE you!).

anyway, toward the end of the night i struck up what started as a very interesting conversation about queerness with a gay guy i had just met that night. i had stopped drinking because i planned on driving home at some point, but he was drinking straight whiskey, and as time wore on, our conversation became a little bizarre. basically, he was totally obsessed with the tv show “30 Rock”, to the point where he was quoting it and asking me repeatedly if i watched it. i had seen it a few times, i but don’t get around to watching much primetime tv because of my schedule. i do think tina fey is hilarious. man, she sure is livin’ the dream. i’d like to think i could have been like her if i had a little more self-confidence. and hotness. anyway, i digress. seriously, this guy would not shut up about how much he loved tina fey and how it was an absolute must that any guy he dated would be an equally large fan of tina fey. not surprisingly, he had never had a steady boyfriend. but who am i to judge?

the next weekend, joe and i were trying to agree on a movie to rent at video hut. we have a real problem with this because for the most part he likes horror films and obscure comedies, while i like gay movies and french films. i know, i know. so, i saw season 1 disc 2 of “30 Rock” in the tv section and said “hey, why don’t we rent this?” and he agreed. i don’t think i have ever laughed that hard at a tv show in my whole life. alec baldwin may be nutmuffins, but he is a fucking comic timing genius! and tracy morgan… and kenneth the page! i finally feel like i have been let-in on a billion inside jokes i’ve seen all over the internet. “live every week like it’s shark week.” LOL! this may be the greatest comedy show on network tv today. i just finished the rest of season 2, which i drove to two different blockbuster videos to get, and i have to say, i can hardly wait until october 30th, when the new season starts! i can’t believe i have to watch it in real time. i’m gonna die from one week to the next! and i’m never home on thursday nights. i need tivo now.

i guess the point of all that is, thanks socially awkward drunken gay guy, for opening my eyes to the wonders of “30 Rock.” i’m sorry i doubted you, and i’m sorry i was too intoxicated to give you a ride home.

speaking of social awkwardness, i am having a hard time with that myself right now. in general, i always considered myself a pretty social person. i mean, i have a lot of friends and acquaintances. i make a lot of jokes, and people seem to laugh at them. i introduce myself to others and i am, for the most part, pretty good at introducing people to each other. i always try to make people feel comfortable in groups if they don’t know a lot of people… i don’t know, i guess i thought i was pretty good with people and a decent to good conversationalist. recently, as i have embarked upon this journey of self-discovery and healing, i realized that truthfully i am not really that great at being present in conversations. i listen and react, but there is always a part of me that isn’t fully there in social situations. instead of growing socially as an adult, i think i have been more of a show pony, rode hard and put away wet, and now here i am, wanting desperately to have true intellectual connections with people, but not knowing where to start. most people i come into contact with more than once know my life story, or at least the funny parts, but there are only a handful of people who i would say truly know me. it makes me sad to think this, because there are people i can honestly say i wish i could get to know better and want to let get to know me, but i need to re-learn how to get there with someone.

and then there are times when i really don’t feel worth knowing in the first place. i’ve been trying to think positively and do positive things for myself, but it creeps in on almost a daily basis. it’s hard to go from feeling like an unstoppable party girl to a totally awkward freak who can’t talk to anyone without cringing, but i realize that it’s part of the learning process. plus, i know awkward isn’t always bad. after all, tina fey has turned slightly awkward into the american dream, at least for the funny but imperfect.

living ghosts

Those of you who know me or read my blog regularly know that I was very close with my grandfather growing up and that my grandfather now suffers from Alzheimer’s disease. He has lived in a nursing home for about three or four years, I think.

The years have sort of escaped me because, as you also may know, I rarely visit him for my own personal reasons that only I can wrestle with. I hope it doesn’t make you think less of me as a person. It’s really a lovely place as far as nursing homes go, and the staff is wonderful, but every time I go there I end up running out in tears, so for the most part the only times I see my Poppo are when they bring him out to visit. He can’t be out too long because he starts to get antsy and uncomfortable. People with Alzheimer’s do not like to be far from home, and that place is his home now.

Once upon a time, he lived with me. Or rather, I lived with him, my grandma, my aunt, and my mother. It was a happy home, if somewhat overly filled with grown-ups. I remember being small and sitting at his desk. I don’t think I ever knew what it was he did at that desk. Maybe it belonged to my mother or my aunt, but I associated it with Poppo because he was the one with all the papers. He had so many papers and letters, stacked and wrapped with rubber bands, on the desk, in his dresser, and in the drawers of his bathroom. Then there were the pens. There were pens everywhere. He seemed partial to black pens, belted at their plastic middles with silver rings and with a sliver clicker at the top. I loved those pens, and I would sit at his desk and play all the time. My favorite things to do were to write words and draw (poorly) on huge yellow legal pads, swivel around in the old 70s desk chair that was upholstered in marigold, and press the buttons on the fluorescent desk lamp on and off over and over again. This may not sound that fun, but I liked the way the lamp buzzed loudly and glowed softly if you pressed the button lightly, but then went into a quiet hum and bright glow when you gave it a good, hard press.

The more I think about this, the more I am starting to understand my unreasonable fondness for office supplies.

Anyway, I thought of my grandpa today as I searched online for a vintage desk lamp to go on the desk I rescued from the streets of Echo Park. The desk is old, cheaply made of wood painted a 70s shade of peachy pink. I hope to fill the drawers with pens and paper goods and use its surface to write all the things I will never get to show my Poppo. He is alive and full of love in his heart, I know this, but he is not with me as I wish he could be.

When I’m at my grandma’s house, where his dresser still stands, I feel like I can almost see him shuffling about from desk to drawer, stack of papers in hand. Sometimes I have to take a second look to really know he isn’t there. It scared me the first time this happened. It frightened me that I could see his ghost while he is still very much alive. Now I just think of that shadowy figure as a moving memory of the senses, a beautiful memory, like the kind triggered by the scent of jasmine on a summer breeze. Only mine visits with the smell of aging paper and, just the softest finger press away, the drone of a fluorescent bulb in an otherwise darkened room.

big wheels keep on turnin’

if you guys think just because the weather is getting all fall-like and crisp that i have quit doing water aerobics, you are so wrong! okay, actually this is l.a. so it is only slightly fall-like and crisp and only at night, but i plan on doing water aerobics all year-long if my work schedule will permit. it’s no longer my only reason for living, but it is definitely still a bright spot in my ever-darkening life. it gets pretty cold when we get out of the pool at around 7:30, and i know that will only get worse as the weather gets colder, but it’s worth it. i love being in the water, especially at night.

keeping with my general existential theme (failure), i cannot afford to have even a low-cost heath insurance plan. i am pretty much legally blind and my glasses are hideously ill-fitting, scratched, and horribly out of date, so i rely on my contact lenses. seeing as i have no insurance, i have been wearing the same disposable monthly pair for like seven months! this is wrong on many levels, but i have justified it by removing and cleaning them meticulously each night. well, my eyes have been bugging me  Michaeldlately. i have experienced itching, soreness, and sensitivity to light… all VERY BAD THINGS. oops. well, i have been trying to wear them less, but my glasses make me feel useless because they suck so much. last night i had a dream in which my eyes hurt the whole dream and they were getting puffier and puffier, like an old person’s eyes, all hooded and saggy. then, finally, i looked in the mirror and i had morphed into MICHAEL DOUGLAS! wtf is that supposed to mean?

Wateri don’t know what made me think of that just now. i guess because i have been trying to wear my glasses to water aerobics because it’s not super-important to see perfectly or look good, but it’s hard to have on glasses in the water. there is one girl, no, two, who wear glasses and they are both kind of the nerds of the class and they always strain really hard to hear the teacher, try to be extra-fast and impressive, and don’t really ever smile or talk to anyone else. total over-achievers. it’s kind of hilarious. on the other end, there are these two women, and i mean WOMEN, like, in their 30s, who obviously know each other outside of class because they talk THE WHOLE TIME. i always try to stand either away from them or near the radio, but they not only talk, they also have the nerve to stand in the medium-front-center of class! i like to be toward the front on the side, so i often end up right near them. every time i have a class with them, i think of things to say to them like, “hey, maybe you guys wanna talk about this later over lattes?” or “well, your mouths must enjoy this workout!” but then i just lower my head and suffer in silence because i don’t want to alienate myself from everyone in the class. i guess some things never change, by land or by sea.

last night’s class was mediocre at first because we had this one teacher that just basically stands at the edge of the pool and does these weird interpretive dance moves while practically whispering the instructions. normally, i would most def be into interpretive water dancing, but since it is a) done with no sense of irony whatsoever, and b) so unlike the GREAT workout we get from our two other teachers, it’s frustrating and annoying.

but then, at the very end of the class, there was this nice little moment. we were all doing the bicycle, pumping our legs in the water while using pool noodles as handlebars, when the teacher put on tina turner’s version of “proud mary.” slowly, softly at first, thirty women in a swimming pool began singing along. it was kind of embarrassing, but by the rippling glow of the underwater lights, i don’t know, it was also kind of beautiful.

“rollin’ rollin’ rollin’ on the river…”

i met sia!

last night (tuesday) at wildness, jd samson was djing. it was great and everyone was on the dancefloor. as i mentioned in a previous post, i have seen jd and sia out together in l.a. before and they are SO CUTE together, but that’s not the point.

now, i am a los angeles native, born and raised, so i try not to get too star-struck when i see celebrities. i mean, for godssake, when i worked at the salon, i washed tom hanks’ hair!!! but, when i see/meet an artist whose work i really really admire, i just lose it. sia is so fucking talented. her most recent album some people have real problems is brilliant. her voice is gorgeous and her lyrics are so so beautiful. i just love it.

well, before i even got there, i accidentally drank a sparks, which if you don’t know is a fine malt beverage MIXED WITH ENERGY DRINK. if you know me in real life, you know i am not allowed to drink energy drinks or i become completely insane. one time i had two sugar-free red bulls and then watched an in-line skating contest where the girls were jumping on rails and falling on their faces left and right and i was just screaming uncontrollably. my heart almost leaped right out of my chest and when i was coming down from my high all i wanted to do was suck my thumb and cry.

now imagine that combined with full sugar and a touch of booze. not pretty. i had to have a glass of champagne and a beer just to bring me to almost normal.

then i get in line for the bathroom RIGHT BEHIND SIA!

i had to say something because the way i see it, even if i was a celebrity trying to lay low and hang out with my girlfriend in a tranny dive bar in macarthur park, i would love it if some energy drink-crazed, curly-headed mess came up to me and started screaming in my face about how i am her absolute favorite and she just loves me blah blah blah.

actually, i am not joking, i really would like it, but it didn’t happen exactly that way. when i walked into the alley that the restroom is in (uh huh) she was the only other person in line and i was like “this is awkward, but, uh, i’m a BIG fan!” and she thought that was really funny. she was so so so nice and asked my name and introduced herself (lol) and was the cutest thing ever and really fast in the bathroom, which was a big plus cause i had to pee pretty bad from the sparks and the things i tried to chase it with.

i wanted to ask her to sign my little notebook, but i decided that was just going a bit too far. now i wish i did though because wtf, who cares. i don’t think she would have thought any less of me. oh well. it was really cool and i feel like a dork, but i don’t care. also let me add that she’s a great dancer! i feel like you can really tell a lot about a person by how well they dance to 90s club hits.

you can learn even more about sia and hear her music and see videos on her website. her latest single “soon we’ll be found” is one of the only things in the world that is bringing me any hope and happiness right now. here is the beautiful video and the lyrics.

Come along it is the break of day
Surely now, you’ll have some things to say
It’s not the time for telling tales on me

So come along, it wont be long
‘Til we return happy
Shut your eyes, there are no lies
In this world we call sleep
Let’s desert this day of hurt
Tomorrow we’ll be free

Let’s not fight I’m tired can’t we just sleep tonight
Turn away it’s just there’s nothing left here to say
Turn around I know we’re lost but soon we’ll be found

Well it’s been rough but we’ll be just fine
Work it out yeah we’ll survive
You musn’t let a few bad times dictate

So come along, it wont be long
‘Til we return happy
Shut your eyes, there are no lies
In this world we call sleep
Let’s desert this day of work
Tomorrow we’ll be free

Let’s not fight I’m tired can’t we just sleep tonight
turn away it’s just there’s nothing left here to say
Turn around I know we’re lost but soon we’ll be found


if you ask me, building a relationship can be like working with clay. i know it’s a bit cliché, but it’s just true.

in the beginning, you hold it in your hands and it just feels so good. it is unusual, slippery, wet, gritty, solid, pleasing. and it moves with you, warms to your touch as you mold it.

with a little work, it will become the perfect vessel for two, to be filled with all the loving things both of you can conjure. you know this, you have planned it all out. you can picture the shape in your minds because you know it in your hearts. it’s simply a matter of making it real.

but if your hands are idle, you will feel it start to harden in them. maybe you were too unsure, and you hesitated a bit too long. now you have over-manipulated the clay, your vision is blurred, and nothing feels natural anymore. your hands have grown weary. you might be able to still shape the vessel, but when it dries, the cracks will show. they may be too large to mend.

would it even matter what you put inside it then?

i read a book when i was little that said broken pieces of pottery can be added in with the fresh clay, and it will make the new pots stronger.

stronger and stronger.

i can only hope this is true now.


i have so much to say, but now i have waited to long to say it and i am SO TIRED and overwhelmed!

positive stuff:

a) i got a JOB! not only that, but it is the exact job i wanted, and possibly the perfect job for me right now. more later.

b) i feel amazing.

c) for the first time in so long i feel hopeful for the future of this country. barack obama is inspiring. he brought me to tears during his historical acceptance speech at the DNC. it is only starting to sink in what it could all mean, and it feels too good to be true, but it can be true. a better world can be a reality.

okay, now the harshness:

a) still broke.

b) I FUCKING HATE ALL REPUBLICANS. they are seriously the scum of the earth. i am not the person to come to when you want an objective or eloquent opinion on this. my more temperate friends often say “amanda, you can’t say that about them because that’s what they think about us. it’s not fair either way and it’s not right to hate.” the problem with that argument is that i hate them because they hate. the “us” they are hateful toward in their speech and policies is so much of who i am, a liberal democrat (at least by official registration), a woman, a person of color, a feminist, and a queer person. in the spirit of ineloquence (which is not even a word), i say fuck you john mccain for running a campaign of negativity, lies, and sensationalism. fuck you sarah palin for trying to tell me what to do with my body and who to love. i will support staying out of your daughter’s business when you stay the fuck out of mine. fuck you young republican bitch from orange county who is the youngest delegate from california at the RNC. sorry readers for directing you to the faux news website, but seriously, watch the video, it’s so sickening. at the end she says “i’m a huge capitalist.” and, for good measure: fuck you joe lieberman, you sick fucking asshole. i was forced to hear part of his speech tonight because i had the news on and his words were enraging me, but his voice was putting me to sleep at the same time. wow, what an inspiring convention. fuck you all, seriously. if, by some chance, there is a hell like the one the more religiously inclined of you choose to believe in (choice?!?! what a concept), it is you who will burn there if there is any justice in this world.

c) as long as i am on the subject of faux news, i accidentally watched part of it this evening while trying to avoid seeing even a second of “last call with carson daly” and they showed this quote from lindsay lohan’s blog today

“I’ve been watching the news all morning, like everyone else – and i keep hearing about the issues related to ‘teen pregnancy’- It’s all related to Sarah Palin and her 17 year old unmarried pregnant daughter. Well, I think the real problem comes from the fact that we are taking the focus off of getting to know Sarah Palin and her political views, and what she can do to make our country a less destructive place. Its distracting from the real issues, the real everyday problems that this country experiences.”

which on its own may seem to be in support of sarah palin. too bad they forgot the next part

“I am concerned with the fact that Sarah Palin brought the attention to her daughter’s pregnancy, rather than all world issues and what she believes she could possibly do to change them-if elected. I get Sarah Palin’s views against abortion, but i would much prefer to hear more about what she can do for our country rather than how her daughter is going to have a child no matter what. Maybe focus on delivering some words and policy with stronger impact like Joe Biden.”

LiLo, or LezLo as i like to think of her affectionately, then went on to quote barack obama and say a bunch of pro-sex education stuff. look, i care about as much as you about what she says in her blog, but i found it so outrageous how much fox chose to edit down her quote to misrepresent it. we are living in a crazy, scary world people.
anyway, all this stuff makes me want to cry. conservatives are so fucking stupid, i can’t even handle it.

for the record, here are some answers to a couple of oft-asked questions:

Q: what if your mom had decided to have an abortion?

A: well, i never would have known, and i wouldn’t have to be talking to your stupid ass right now, so it’s looking like win/win.

Q: how can you be gay when it’s against god and god says it’s wrong in the bible?

A: how can you love the bible when you have never read it? i say this because you clearly don’t understand the teachings of jesus. jesus loved and accepted everyone, even sinners, and he also showed us that some things we may have regarded as a sin were not actually sinful. i’m gonna go with loving another consenting adult and expressing that love romantically = NOT SINFUL.

omg, i can’t even stand this. i also love how these are the same people who don’t regard healthcare, education, food, and a safe place to live as a fundamental right. i went to catholic school for eight long years and every single religion book i EVER read said it is part of god’s teachings that these are basic human rights.


lately i’ve had the strangest feeling…

this is depressing. skip to around 1:46 to see JoJo of the r&b group Jodeci collapse in an apparently alcohol/drug addled stupor while performing a show in australia. a) performing? b) australia?

according to his brother/bandmate K-Ci, JoJo was just exhausted and has epilepsy, but that’s hard to believe. read about it on Dlisted, which explains it better than i ever could.

this is sad because Jodeci was one of my favs in junior high. not only did i love “all my life”, which they are playing when the train wreck begins on this video, but their version of “lately” is really beautiful, and was one of my all time songs to get emo over.

then, at the eighth grade dance, it played, and i asked my friend michael to dance with me to it. he said no and was a total jerk about it, until i grabbed his arm and made him. that was my first slow dance. sad.

years later, he would become a dear friend and a HUGE FLAMING GAY, which makes me feel a little better. but just a little.


my weekend was kind of like a delicious “skins” sandwich. friday i crawled around online like and obsessed 17 year-old fangirl looking up info and new stuff on the show. then, on sunday, i watched it as it made its us television premier. as you may know, i have already watched series one and two, which have already aired in the uk, but now that the powers that be (british people?) have brought “skins” to american shores officially via BBC America (which ps has the best programming! this evening i also watched a show called “my big breasts and me” and it was really fascinating), i am newly obsessed with the amazingness that is “skins.”

here’s why:

2754391857_7328fb3324_m1) the kids: living in a world, country, city, obsessed with youth culture is hard. i, for one, am completely tired of boring tv programming shoving wealthy, blonde, beach-going teens down my throat and informing me that this is the lifestyle i surely missed out on in my youth. i mean, i am all for re-capturing the good (awful) times, but i can never relate to any of these characters. i don’t think i have related to a teen character since jessie spano on saved by the bell, and that was mostly because we are both feminists. well, “skins” is written in a way that somehow makes the characters entirely relatable, accessible, and even true-to-life, while still creating a fantasy world that, at least speaking as an adult, feels sensationalized, voyeuristic, shocking… all of the above. it feels like all the things i was and wasn’t is represented somehow in each character. also, because they have british accents, they sound significantly less young and dumb, which is refreshing. 

2) the slang: what kind of wannabe fancy american would i be if i didn’t love english slang words? the title of the show does not solely refer, in fact, to all the skin that is shown (and it definitely has it’s moments!), nor the often painful shedding of one’s youthful skin while squirming towards adulthood, but the word “skin” is also a slang term for the paper used to roll a joint. my personal fav, which i tried in my mind unsuccessfully to justify using aloud, is “safe” as a replacement for “cool.” some of the words (such as “safe”) even have multiple meanings. luckily there is a glossary guide on the show’s page at the BBC America website. even more fortunate is the fact that the good people at BBCA have elected to add subtitles to certain parts of the show. it is absolutely necessary, at least in the first few episodes while you are getting used to the accents. this matter of convenience almost makes up for the censorship, though thus far i only noticed them editing out the word “fuck” and some nudity, not too bad.

2755224830_de3038f06f-13) cassie: i’ll admit, i do tend to have a weakness for the dippy blonde in a bunch, but the character cassie on “skins” is so much more than that. the part is well-written and acted so brilliantly by hannah murray. she is certainly one of the more outwardly fucked-up of the group, as she suffers from anorexia and other severe self-image issues, but she is anything but heavy. any cassie screen time for me has been like magic faerie time and, as cheesy as that sounds, because of the writing and acting, it doesn’t feel the least bit contrived. the second episode of series one, which first aired last night (they showed two episodes to kick off the show) is the first in-depth introduction to cassie. it will air again on sunday august 24th at 9 p.m., with another new episode right after at 10.

4) the music: one of the first things i noticed while watching “skins” the first time was how they effectively used music from the past and current popular and indie music as well. it gave the show a more artistic feel, kind of like a movie, as opposed to the distinct feeling of product placement i get from the soundtracks on most shows these days, although truthfully, you will want to hunt down any manifestation of a soundtrack to this show. it’s that good. i believe there is an iMix on itunes, but check out some of the fansites for more comprehensive songlistings. the remix to the gossip song “standing in the way of control” can be heard on the show as well as in certain promotional items i have seen, which is awesome to see. go brits for making the gossip the huge stars over there that they should have been here long ago!

5)2755223780_efd7dc5450 diversity: it’s a bit more difficult for me to assess the success of an english show in being truly diverse. much like most american shows with an ensemble cast, “skins” consists of primarily straight, white kids. there is a certain sense of token-ism, then, when you throw the gay kid, the muslim kid, and the black kid into the mix. the show avoids the pitfall of being overly-patronizing though, again, because of the quality of the writing. it’s definitely interesting, as an american, to watch a show in which one is learning about another culture (english) while also learning about other cultures within that culture, such as the experience of being an english muslim as opposed to a muslim-american. the show certainly centers around the friendship between the members of the group and isn’t exactly a huge political or cultural statement, but i obviously think it is important for different groups of people to be represented in popular media, and a show like this brings that to the table. one of the things i liked was the fact that the gay storyline does not center on the gay character maxxie’s coming out or something oft-depicted like that. there are definitely gay issues and issues of adversity that are tackled, but it is more about maxxie’s life and experience in that particular time, with his particular friends that takes center stage, and his being gay is simply a part of who he is. i like that because i can relate to it, as that was my experience as an out teenager.

i really hope you all will tune in to “skins” on BBC America. you can visit the official website for fun content, pictures, videos, and the schedule.

here is a version of the trailer that calls the show “a better gossip girl.” i couldn’t agree more. that’s why i’m posting about it. i hope that people will watch it to show that americans are interested in watching shows from other parts of the world. a well-written, well-acted show should be able to translate from culture to culture, and i think that “skins” definitely does.

okay, okay, i just officially pulled an all-nighter. i am going on vacation today with my family and joe and will be offline (GASP!) until wednesday. i can’t imagine that i will be posting anything before thursday night, but if i do, you will for sure be the first to know… since this is my blog… and you read it religiously… yeah.

this is a bit cheap

but i am sleepy and in the arms of the one i love.

here are some lists in no particular order.

current top five things i hate most:
1) price of gas (not lowering fast enough!)
2) katy perry (constipated, airheaded, contemporary christian crapfest)
3) people who aren’t funny or interesting. either one of the two even would be fine…
4) being totally no joke broke (bank balance = $.67)
5) not having health insurance (i need yasmin fast before my 10 day periods cause me to hurt someone)

current top five things i love (not counting joseph):
1) water aerobics (reason for living, truthfully)
2) sia (makes me laugh and cry)
3) the olympics (duh)
4) hansen’s diet pomegranate soda (so fruity, so sweet, so splenda!)
5) when i can write something decent

top five songs:
1) sia “lentil” (so beautiful. apparently it is about a dog, which killed it a little for me meaning-wise, but still, gorgeous.)
2) stevie nicks “stand back” (especially after watching this performance to it at mustache mondays last month. so hot!)
3) the game feat. lil wayne “my life”
4) sia “day too soon” (i know, OBSESSED.)
5) kate bush “babooshka” (this video could basically be actual footage of my brain activity. bonus: joe hates this song and freaks out every time it comes on my ipod. comedy gold.)

top five things i watch:
1) olympics (duh x2)
2) project runway (yes, this season’s contestants are weak, esp considering last season was one of the best, but it’s still entertaining. and i WILL meet tim gunn before i die if it kills me.)
3) re-watching skins (absolutely brilliant british tv show. you can watch series one and two without too much headache here, but also if you want to do it the old fashioned way, series one begins airing on BBC America this sunday @ 9 pm)
4) shear genius (why do i watch this crap? i can honestly say i have had the privilege of working with mostly talented AND smart hairstylists in my own short-lived hair career, but i do believe they may be rare. that fact may be changing, but this show is no reflection of that. AND I LOVE IT. sad, but i can’t stop. if i had seen this before i went to beauty school, it would have scared me right back into college. oh well.)
5) oprah (i need a job and some zoloft, stat.)

well, i guess that takes care of that. in other news, i am getting my hair cut on friday and i don’t know if i will get a trim or get the chop. i hate having long hair and it’s hard to tell if i’m really balding with my hair being so long. i MUST know for sure before i start spending every waking minute obsessing about it, thereby inadvertently stressing the last remaining strands right off my skull, but the length makes it hard to judge the density. also, it’s fucking hot in l.a. right now. then, i think of how long it took to grow it and how it will be winter in no time (aka 60 degrees in january). i just don’t know what to do, but even if i keep it long, i definitely need a trim, as i am living deep in ponytail country.

my life is so interesting. thank god i have a blog.

on application

wow, i just filled out the longest job application ever of all time. thank god it was online. the best part was how it renewed my confidence in my ability to bullshit. the second best part was how i bullshitted like an old pro in the free form section and then at the VERY end there were three simple yes/no experience-related questions which will undoubtedly determine whose applications they will and will not read. my answer to each was no.

moving on…

today, as i rode to water aerobics class alongside my mother in her silvery grey VW Passat, i realized that if it weren’t for water aerobics, i would almost never leave the house before 9 p.m., if at all. in fact, i am fairly certain that if not for water aerobics and all the internet research i have been doing on past olympic heroes, my body and brain would have completely atrophied by now. as i sat there, uncomfortably close to the woman whose hopes and dreams for me i have disappointed time and again, it occurred to me that if i don’t figure out what to do soon, i might have to actually commit suicide. not because i am particularly melancholy at the moment, but because it is just starting to sound like one of the most viable options. at this point, i can’t even imagine myself at a regular job. i can barely imagine myself getting out of my nightgown or looking at the sun, if you want to know the truth.

i know this all sounds fairly abysmal, but fear not, dear friendly readers, for i have since then come to the conclusion that attempting to take my own life is out of the question, if only because i currently have no health insurance and, let’s face it, truly lack any real sense of follow-through. therefore, the likelihood is i will simply find myself again in the emergency room of san gabriel hospital, only this time having caused my mother hundreds or thousands of dollars in medical bills. that is certainly no way to re-earn her trust in my abilities. no way!

for this you can thank the re-run i watched, in my nightgown, of course, of an episode of oprah on the u.s. healthcare crisis.

for the record, my nightgown is very short, sassy, and sexy. i was getting nervous that it is probably starting to infuriate my mom to come home to me on the couch in my nightgown (although to be fair, looking for jobs on craigslist), so yesterday i put a shirt over it and pretended it was a skirt. today i changed into my bathing suit before she even got home, as to tip her off to my eagerness to join the living world in the great out of doors.

you may be wondering why i am spending so much time at my mother’s in the first place. first of all there is the price of gas. i don’t have the funds (duh) to be gallivanting around the city. secondly, well, i don’t know if you know this, but joe and i don’t technically live together. we periodically try to spend more time apart so that when that glorious day comes, it will be all the sweeter, however we tend to fail miserably at that. i think this time will be the charm though, because honestly i am not doing so well and it’s not good for a new-ish couple when a man regularly comes home from a hard day in the print lab to find his beloved wifey despondent and chain-smoking tear-stained parliament lights, with both feet dangling menacingly over an inadequately lofty balcony.

what i need is to take control of my own destiny. i need to apply myself to seriously looking for a second job and selling myself, limited skills but stellar personality, to prospective employers. i need to apply what i have learned about myself in the last two years to actively changing patterns i have followed my entire life. i need to apply some goddamned mascara, throw open the front door and say, “look world, i know you have given me many chances, and i took a terrified shit on every single one, but i’m here now, and i’m ready to start creating the life i want to be in!”

shortly after that, it will occur to me that i am deep in the suburbs of san gabriel, where people actually work during the day, and no one probably heard me, or cared, but somehow that won’t matter, because i have had the right audience time and time again, but this time i will have finally found the voice.