so, a few weeks ago i was at a party where i didn’t know that many people. for some reason everyone i knew kept coming and going in shifts, but i stayed because it was my friend’s birthday and for some reason, even though i had only three drinks, i did not feel sober enough to drive (maybe it was a contact high? oh, marijuana, i DENOUNCE you!).
anyway, toward the end of the night i struck up what started as a very interesting conversation about queerness with a gay guy i had just met that night. i had stopped drinking because i planned on driving home at some point, but he was drinking straight whiskey, and as time wore on, our conversation became a little bizarre. basically, he was totally obsessed with the tv show “30 Rock”, to the point where he was quoting it and asking me repeatedly if i watched it. i had seen it a few times, i but don’t get around to watching much primetime tv because of my schedule. i do think tina fey is hilarious. man, she sure is livin’ the dream. i’d like to think i could have been like her if i had a little more self-confidence. and hotness. anyway, i digress. seriously, this guy would not shut up about how much he loved tina fey and how it was an absolute must that any guy he dated would be an equally large fan of tina fey. not surprisingly, he had never had a steady boyfriend. but who am i to judge?
the next weekend, joe and i were trying to agree on a movie to rent at video hut. we have a real problem with this because for the most part he likes horror films and obscure comedies, while i like gay movies and french films. i know, i know. so, i saw season 1 disc 2 of “30 Rock” in the tv section and said “hey, why don’t we rent this?” and he agreed. i don’t think i have ever laughed that hard at a tv show in my whole life. alec baldwin may be nutmuffins, but he is a fucking comic timing genius! and tracy morgan… and kenneth the page! i finally feel like i have been let-in on a billion inside jokes i’ve seen all over the internet. “live every week like it’s shark week.” LOL! this may be the greatest comedy show on network tv today. i just finished the rest of season 2, which i drove to two different blockbuster videos to get, and i have to say, i can hardly wait until october 30th, when the new season starts! i can’t believe i have to watch it in real time. i’m gonna die from one week to the next! and i’m never home on thursday nights. i need tivo now.
i guess the point of all that is, thanks socially awkward drunken gay guy, for opening my eyes to the wonders of “30 Rock.” i’m sorry i doubted you, and i’m sorry i was too intoxicated to give you a ride home.
speaking of social awkwardness, i am having a hard time with that myself right now. in general, i always considered myself a pretty social person. i mean, i have a lot of friends and acquaintances. i make a lot of jokes, and people seem to laugh at them. i introduce myself to others and i am, for the most part, pretty good at introducing people to each other. i always try to make people feel comfortable in groups if they don’t know a lot of people… i don’t know, i guess i thought i was pretty good with people and a decent to good conversationalist. recently, as i have embarked upon this journey of self-discovery and healing, i realized that truthfully i am not really that great at being present in conversations. i listen and react, but there is always a part of me that isn’t fully there in social situations. instead of growing socially as an adult, i think i have been more of a show pony, rode hard and put away wet, and now here i am, wanting desperately to have true intellectual connections with people, but not knowing where to start. most people i come into contact with more than once know my life story, or at least the funny parts, but there are only a handful of people who i would say truly know me. it makes me sad to think this, because there are people i can honestly say i wish i could get to know better and want to let get to know me, but i need to re-learn how to get there with someone.
and then there are times when i really don’t feel worth knowing in the first place. i’ve been trying to think positively and do positive things for myself, but it creeps in on almost a daily basis. it’s hard to go from feeling like an unstoppable party girl to a totally awkward freak who can’t talk to anyone without cringing, but i realize that it’s part of the learning process. plus, i know awkward isn’t always bad. after all, tina fey has turned slightly awkward into the american dream, at least for the funny but imperfect.