Amanda: Failure Princess

angry fat chick

i'm sick. officially sick with fever. this weekend was too much fun. i will post all about it when i don't feel like dying.

a couple of months ago this girl i used to be friends (if you could call it that) with, who turned out to be totally insane (i am losing my ability to judge character accurately) called me at 8 in the morning from the city far away she now lives in and left a crazed message calling me a "stupid fucking fat bitch" and accusing me of telling her girlfriend she kissed someone else, which i didn't, but almost wish i had because then the story would be way better. anyway, i sorted the whole thing out, reasoning with her as much as i could. i got a few more crazy texts, but then at the end of it all, she said 

"blog about this and i will kick your ass."

hahahaha. i thought that was so funny because i wish to god i had a blog in which i write about REAL LIFE gossip. totally Gossip Girl style. how fucking hilarious would that be? i just made up three different blind item entries i could write here, but i won't because that would be awful. people tell me all the time i should have done an anonymous blog and written about all the gossip i know, but that was when i knew any gossip (i don't anymore. or do i???) and even then i could never do that, mostly because i respect people's privacy, but also because it would be really fucking obvious it was me. 

anyways, i don't really care about gossip anymore. i have enough drama going in my little life to last a lifetime. wait, does sitting around being annoyed by stuff count as drama? whatevs. here is a list of things i find annoying. i am starting south beach next week and it's going to be hard for me to not be a raging bitch, so i'm going to try and get it all out now. 

1) is it hard to make a milkshake? i wouldn't know because i never do ridiculous things like make milkshakes at home, but it sounds easy enough. i'm not too big on milky sweets, but once in a while i get a craving and such cravings have been thwarted twice lately. once was at the drive thru at burger king (or something) because they said they didn't make them after a certain time. what the eff? crazy. then a couple of weeks ago i had a horrible hangover only a black and white milkshake could fix (that's when they make it with vanilla ice ice cream and chocolate syrup instead of chocolate ice cream) so joe said he'd get me one at the brite spot. he went there and they said they were understaffed for the lunch shift and couldn't make any milkshakes. now, i am all for giving overworked employees a break, but their milkshakes are so grossly overpriced, you'd think it would be worth it for them to just take a minute and make one. luckily my man is resourceful and sweet and asked the kind folks at jack and the box to mix the vanilla and chocolate ice creams into a shake for me. good god, i am an ass-pain.

2) this fake nerd look has gone too far. i'm not going to say it doesn't look cute on some people, but if i see one more blonde-highlighted mall girl-cum-hipster in fake black eyeglasses i am going to walk right up to her and poke her in the eyeballs. i happen to be pretty much legally blind and consider people wearing fake glasses not totally unlike blackface. okay, that is way over the top, but still, i don't like it. i think my glasses are pretty cute, and i don't find my contacts to be too much of a hassle, usually, but it's scary to know that without those things i would be totally dependent on someone else for my simple well being, as i cannot see my own hand unless it is four inches in front of my face. no joke. 

3) i hate how "back to school" starts in july. if i still went to school, that would depress the hell out of me. do kids even get summer off anymore? i bet they don't. look, i hate dealing with children as much as the next person who hates children, but summer memories were some of the best of my life and i guess it's good for them to be in the general population sometimes. institutionalization is great and all, but so is this. 

4) lately i haven't been sleeping well. my sleep has been very surface, if that makes sense. it feels almost like getting just outside of your body and just rolling over and watching yourself sleep, but still being semi-conscious. and because of this, my dreams have been BEYOND ordinary. i really want to apply to one of those sleep problems things on craigslist, but i'm thinking they probably make you sleep in a tiny glass room wearing a paper nightgown and who could fall asleep like that? also, if you were to fall asleep, what if you fart or confess something embarrassing in your sleep? i mean, i never fart, obviously, or i'd be way less tense, but i totally talk in my sleep, i've been told. at length. 

5) in my old age, i have gotten way more sensitive to weird stuff. for example, i used to think it was funny when you go somewhere shitty like a coffee shop or something and the person working there is an ass to you. this is for two reasons, one being that i worked in customer service for a long time and i was 19-23 and fucking so rude to stupid people if i thought i could get away with it, and two because if they are rude to you then you can be REALLY rude back, provided they are not in any position to tamper with your food. i have found that being rude back works because it makes the person realize what an ass they are being and usually they start being nice, plus is gets my bitchiness quota for the day over with and i can leave said establishment with a sense of accomplishment knowing that perhaps i paved the way for that clerk/barista/sandwich guy to be nicer to the next customer. anyways, lately i have been really bummed when people are rude. like joe and i were in subway and he was ordering a sandwich and the guy working there was so mean. he was throwing the veggies around and when joe asked for extra mustard he squirted it on all exaggerated-like. this made me very sad because joe was being so polite to this guy and his sandwich order was not that complicated. that dude should have counted his lucky stars i wasn't getting anything that day because i order mine with heavy lettuce, medium bell peppers, light onions, medium mustard, extra vinegar, but only regular oil, salt and pepper, and pepperoncinis, not too many, but enough and oh, please distribute them evenly on the sandwich. look, i realize that job has to suck pretty fucking bad, but unfortunately getting to choose to have things exactly how you want them is the whole point of subway sandwiches. that dude that was mean to my baby made me so mad, i wanted to ask for his manager, but he was scary and had a neck tattoo and i figured maybe he had enough issues to worry about.

6) in fact, and maybe this is because it's been so long since i worked in the service industry, or maybe it's just because i am getting old, but it bothers me a lot more when people drop the ball on the customer service front. i guess that's because i usually try to be the best customer i can, except for that whole complicated ordering thing, but i always apologize for that and tip well. i used to work in a hair salon and things there were kind of medium in terms of service. like, as an assistant, i hated when they ladies were like "yes, please order my lunch and please test my coffee on your wrist before i drink it so i can make sure it's not too hot" but i would do it with a smile because it was the best idea to keep them happy and also i did not want to get fired. all of the stylists and colorists there were very professional but it wasn't overly stuffy, which i hate. well, joe went to get his hair cut at this cute, hip little salon in silverlake and it was cool in there and all, but kind of weird. we stood there for a long time before this guy who i think was the owner got off the couch and said "can i help you?" and then when stylist came out of the back she said, "i'll be right with you" then proceeded to eat her snack and chit chat with the receptionist for a long time. i know they don't get much time to eat and stuff, but it was weird not to have anyone offer us drinks or magazines and usually stylists eat in the back room. it just looks better, i think. the girl who did his hair was nice and all, but during the cut she and the owner, who was also cutting, mostly joked and chatted amongst themselves which was weird. i mean, it's really hard/annoying to have to talk to clients all day, i get that, but why would anyone want to sit there trapped under a cape and a sharp object while you have a conversation with someone else about your partying and inside jokes? no way. then  a few days later we were in santa barbara at some record shop and the salesgirl was talking really loudly, even over blasting music, about "the stupid fucking cunt next door" who got her car ticketed. i found it jarring. am i just becoming REALLY old fashioned? i dunno, i also found it strange when she then turned down the music so it was literally silent in the entire store and proceeded to order a sandwich and curse out her friend on the phone. 

7) i hate having long hair. i am cutting it off forever next spring.

8) most of all i guess i am over myself. i have been such a hater lately and, while i feel most, if not all, of it is warranted, it is tiring and i would like to move on. 

SO... yeah. i'm just gonna try and work on making myself better and trying to make this blog interesting again. i wish i had some interesting stuff like gay celeb sightings or something, but it takes SO MUCH out of me to go out in hollywood and west hollywood these days, i can't even imagine doing it. it's hard to go out at all, actually. i feel really in my own head and out of place. i'm thinking i should take advantage of that time to try and write a lot more and work more on my projects and such, but then i used to get such inspiration from being out, seeing people, etc. these days it all feels so uninspiring. what i really need is a change of scenery, but that's not going to happen any time soon. all i can see on the horizon is an endless sea of craigslist job postings. and maybe the odd vodka soda.

p.s. if i get my ass kicked, you all know who did it. 

show me love

let me start by saying i feel a bit overwhelmed because i haven't written for so long. you must understand that i write to you all day in my head. every time the breeze blows a grain of sand into my eye, every time i go into a bathroom that is out of hand soap, and every time i accidentally think of miley cyrus in a sexual way (so wrong), i think "that's going in the blog!"

so, as you can imagine, a week-long hiatus, particularly during a week in which i went out nearly every night, the supreme court of california overturned the ban on gay marriage, and i saw one of the best live shows i've ever seen, i have a lot to say. oh yeah, and i was kidding about miley, although i do love blasting "see you again" from my car, and it gets some weird looks from other adults. whatever, that song rules.

okay, for starters, there is a new queer night in los angeles called Wildness, which takes place at a dive bar in korea town called the silver platter on tuesday nights. the only bad things i can say about this night is that the bar is beer and wine only and that it gets a little crowded. seriously, it's totally "off the hook" as they used to say like, four years ago. what do they say now? can anyone help me be cool? email me at amandafailureprincess@gmail.com if you can. anyhoo, the night is basic in that it consists of djs, a dance floor, beer, crappy bathroom situations, etc. what makes it unique is the crowd, which is so diverse i don't even know where to start. the best way to describe it i guess would be "art fag" though that doesn't really say anything does it? let me just say that the patrons of this particular club cross all gender, orientation, ethnic, and age lines, but what they have in common, from the locals to the lookie-loos, is the desire to dance up a storm, check out awesome performances (last week was sister mantos), dress to impress (in so many ways), and just be... free i guess. i know it sounds sorta hippie-ish, but i'm into it. i've been kind of bah-humbug lately, but i would go to this every week if i had it in me. last week there was a limo parked out front where you could lounge with your friends and buy $2 tequila shots. at one point, this guy burst into the limo shouting "who has the poppers?!?!?" no, he was not joking. he never did find those poppers, but it made me feel good knowing he had them at some point. disco isn't dead, my friends.

wednesday night i went to a benefit show for my friend vanessa, whose bicycle-cum-art piece was stolen from the very place the benefit was held (echo curio). the cartographers played, there was much dancing and merriment, then we all headed to the eagle for some more fun. it was a really fun night, but again, i am having mood issues. i know it's partly pms but i feel something else at work. i just don't feel motivated to go out anymore, and it's not just cause i'm in a relationship. i just feel kind of "blah" and it makes me sad because i love my friends and i love being out and about.

i don't know what's up with that. i mean, i have a few ideas, but it's going to take a lot of effort to get to where i want to be... that being in my favorite dress and back in heels. here's the deal: i barely dance anymore. i feel impeded by two things, the first being that i'm just not comfortable with my body at all right now. this is not to say that i think there is anything wrong with how i, or any other people of size (lol, i mean fat people), look on the dance floor, as everyone knows that dancing well is more about confidence, rhythm, and making a hilarious/sexy dance face than how a person's body looks. i have seen some hot, skinny bitches massacre a dance floor before, much to my horror. seriously, i get chills up my spine just thinking of one girl in particular. eesh! still, my body just doesn't feel good to me right now. it is difficult to focus on perfecting one's booty shake when you can feel your belly fat a-jigglin' too, i'm not going to lie. the second reason i am having trouble with the dance is that i dance much better in heels, but i never wear heels anymore. i wasn't able to wear them when i was younger, but about three years ago, when i started to lose weight, i was suddenly comfortable in them and wore them out nearly every night all last summer. it's so much easier and fun to dance in heels, especially if you are going to be pulling any fancy booty-dropping moves. well, now that i have gained all this weight, i seriously can't wear them for more than 15 minutes without wanting to stab my feet to death for betraying me. i will always and forever admire those fat ladies and drag queens who can wear heels all day into the the night. hot damn!

in other news, i missed long beach gay pride this weekend, which i am pretty bummed about, BUT the awesome thing was the reason i missed saturday night was that i won 2 tickets (through perezhilton.com. don't judge me!) to see robyn! i have never won a thing in my life and i won these days before i had big plans. oh well, i decided i had to go to the show because a) i WON!, and b) i love robyn's new(ish. been out in europe forevs) album and heard her show was really brilliant. it WAS! i was so impressed by how great she sounded live and how great her band sounded as well. she has two drummers, which i have never seen before and is awesome, and a guy on keys/computer, plus sometimes one of them plays guitar. she is SO cute and adorable and i love how she is straight but has lesbian hair. the audience was 90% gay men, so of course i felt at home and at ease. i took joe as my date and he really enjoyed the show too, even though he's not a robyn fan, that's how good it was. you guys OBVIOUSLY remember robyn's hit "show me love" from the 90s, if only from the movie, right? i happen to think that song is great, but her new stuff is very different since she has her own label now, and just REALLY good. here i am enjoying the souvenir robyn canvas tote that joe bought me. you must MUST download "cobrastyle", "be mine!" (original version, not ballad), "with every heartbeat", "handle me", and "who's that girl" (produced by the knife), all of which were even better live. plus, she did an encore of "show me love" reworked to be much slower and more her new style, but very awesome to hear that song live. i was not expecting that, though i'd hoped for it.

last summer i went to long beach, l.a., and sf pride. so far this year, like i said, i missed long beach, and i don't know if i'm going to make it to sf. my one consolation is that l.a. pride is going to KICK ASS this year, thanks to the organizing of some very special peeps. last year east side pride, aka the silverlake dyke march, afterparty at the eagle, and super-party at mj higgins put on by packin' heat were so amazing, i just knew it could only get better. this year it most definitely will with dyke day l.a., a day in the park preceding the dyke march that will feature djs, bands, comedy, arts, etc. i'm REALLY REALLY excited about this because i am hungering for a queer community, a truly queer community and not the gay bar culture of west hollywood, in los angeles. i know i need to challenge myself and my own shyness and insecurity (and laziness) to become more involved. i patted myself on the back briefly because joe and i volunteered a few months ago to gather signatures to counter the people who are gathering signatures to put another anti gay marriage initiative on the ballot. then i remembered that i really sucked at getting signatures while joseph, mr. "i'm not as social as you" was ACE. you should have seen him, it was so hot. i wanted to eff him right there on those library steps! anyway, i was butt-hurt and disappointed at how bad i was at it and complained a bunch and vowed never to do it again. still, there MUST be a way to apply my talents to some type of activism, right? haha, omg, i fear that perhaps being an activist entails some kind of hope and optimism that i simply do not possess.

no, i know that's not true. i feel alive with hope when i think of all the good things to come in the future, not just for "my people," but for everyone. i did shed a few tears of joy when i read the supreme court verdict, and not just because, since finding the first true love i've ever had, i can see more than ever to possibility of walking down the aisle myself, but because of all of the committed partners that came before us and paved the way for this. this is a huge step in history, for the gay couples who never got the chance to marry, for the gay couples that will marry now after waiting so long, the gay couples that will marry in the future, and for the gay couples that will say "fuck that, i never want to get married!" because they have that choice to make. that's what the freedom to marry is about, you know, freedom. definitely one giant leap for love.

classic robyn video, "show me love". the nineties were so scary/wonderful!

the awesome video for "be mine" by robyn. such a sad, yet danceable song. my fav kind!

and to end on a happy note, robyn's GENIUS performance of "cobrastyle" (a teddybears cover) on david letterman recently. and no, her band didn't wear those bear heads at the show, heh.

full-figurative

i wish i could say that i have any news, but alas, i cannot. you will be happy to know that i have finally decided that i have come to a point where i can commit to a certain lifestyle. and by that, i mean diet and exercise. i have been trying everything for this to avoid being an option, because i am an intelligent woman whose ass could never grow bigger than her heart, with a sharp wit enjoyed by everyone around her and, by god, one of the keenest senses of style around. also, i am in love with a wonderful boy who loves me just the way i am. also, i REALLY REALLY like spaghetti.

alas, i have come to accept that size acceptance is just not for me. it took losing 40 lb and gaining it back for me to realize that i never needed to be and never will be a size 6, but i was feeling pretty good at 10 and i don't care what i have to do to get back there. the thing is, it really wasn't that hard. all i had to do was stay away from bad carbs and fats, snack a lot during the day on healthy foods, go for a walk at least 5 days a week and/or dancing every night. sure, i was really sad every time someone said "let's get a pizza!" but for the love of god, i felt so free in every other aspect of my life. perhaps too free, as there were several instances of public nudity during that time, but i was having fun. still, i don't think it will be like that this time around. i dunno, i'm just tired of feeling tired and sick all the time. it's bad enough i am almost legally blind and have a case of acid reflux disease that is growing more severe by the day, do i really need to add diabetes to the mix? the answer is no. this is a personal choice, for me. i don't think fat people should have to be ashamed or feel marginalized by society just because of how they look. i will always struggle with my weight, mentally, no matter how i look physically because i know what it's like to be treated like less than human because of my size. actually, i keep forgetting that i gained weight, so the truth is, i feel it all the time when i go out. it's the strangest thing to be growing larger and feel more and more invisible. the point is, i'm all about size acceptance, but i will not be accepting a damn thing until i fit back into my favorite dress.

in related news, i have discovered something that will offer a bit of good cheer to we zaftig women. it seems that this summer the fuller-coverage retro bathing suit is all the rage. this happens once in a while. i used to find it comforting because i thought "AHA! they won't all be wearing their teeny bikinis this season!" but then i realized that since i never wore a bathing suit anyhow, i still stuck out like a sore thumb in my shorts and t-shirt. these days, i take an entirely different approach. i want to see more skin on the beach. bring on the nip and lip slips! i think it's hysterical, plus then you get to see pretty much naked girls all over the place. at dinah, my favorite game became "spot the razor burn" on the bikini line. still, no one can deny the classic elegance of a 1950s/1960s swimsuit. as some of you will remember from this post, i bought my first bathing suit in YEARS to wear at dinah. it is a fun, flirty, retro-inspired suit (wet-able dress). i actually got a lot of compliments on it and like it a lot, but it's not nearly as cute as the real vintage thing. back to the point, in my research for that post i found a picture of the thin girl in an all-black one-piece on google image search, but now i realize that was part of this new trend. urban outfitters is selling all kinds of new vintage-inspired swimwear looks, and here's the good news: these bathing suits look awful on super-thin models! don't get me wrong, i love super-thin models and think they are beautiful, but much like fat women should probably never wear capri pants, tall girls look ridiculous in leggings, and pointy shoes are the elf-ish enemy of the petite, the retro-inspired bathing suit is best left the curvy girls among us. the skinny models just look weird in them. the material bunches at their crotches, the bust embellishments overwhelm their bony chests, and the amount of coverage combined with a busy pattern kind of makes them look like a folded umbrella. hehehe. score one for the big team!

still, i would sell one of my kidneys to be able to, just once, have a space between my thighs large enough for a marching band to pass through when my heels are placed together.

you win some, you lose some.

swimwear scare

so this will more than likely be my last post before dinah shore. there have been numerous bumps in the road on the way to getting me there, and surely i will encounter many more, but i am looking forward to this lesbian spiritual journey.

oh, and by "looking forward to," i mean "in a state of absolute panic about," as that is my nature.

although this weekend is set to be the first time i have appeared in a bathing suit since 1989, i had virtually abandoned the fear of looking like a beached whale in public because a) most of the women there will be terrifying mullet lesbians in cargo shorts and i don't really care what they think, b) while i do care what my friends think, i figure if they do think any cruel thoughts, they will be nice enough to keep them inside, c) i have a boyfriend waiting at home who loves me and thinks my body is beautiful, and finally, c) a more accurate description of the garment in question, as opposed to "bathing suit" would probably be large, black tent.

in fact, i could have probably saved a healthy penny if i just skipped the chase and went straight to home depot, but as luck would have it, i spied a decent-looking impostor of swim garb during that fateful trip i took with my mother to kohls. it is actually kind of cute in a retro fat lady way, black with brown polka dots, a tie at the chest, and a little skirt. i'm so self-conscious i normally don't even bother with bathing suits and just wear little shorts and a tank, but i have been to a few pools where they won't let you swim that way and i didn't want to take any risks. sometimes i just sit in the sun and don't swim, but in palm springs i will need to get in the water!

well, if you were reading closely, you would know that although i previously decided not to be apprehensive about this bathing suit business, i am now kind of really dreading the whole thing. i officially haven't been as fat as i am now in two years and i don't really know what to do with myself. i still feel the same most of the time, and it's only when i am trying to get into some of my older clothes or see myself in a photo that i realize things have changed. still, i don't know if i can really relax in public in a bathing suit, albeit the worlds' least-revealing, least-sexy one.

sometimes it is sexier to leave things to the imagination, but i think people who say that one-piece bathing suits are sexier than bikinis have the picture on the left in mind, while my bathing suit looks a little more similar to the one on the right. oh dear god, what have i got myself into? my road to a healthier weight and body (thanks queen latifah for the inspiration!) is well underway, but i don't feel good about how i look at all right now. is it really the best time to go on a vacation that will include thousands of half-naked lesbians? probably not, but there is no turning back now.

well, goodbye for now dear readers. wish me luck! i will return with tons of photos and hopefully lots of great stories to tell.

will the Failure Princess ever be Queen?

contrary to the rampant rumors making their way around the interwebs, i have not committed suicide, as i promised long ago to do once i turned 27 if i had not accomplished anything significant. i have just been beyond depressed lately and wit completely escapes me. san fran was loads of fun up until the last day, which is really what sank me, plus i got my period that day, plus the afore-mentioned suicide deadline was this past tuesday, my 27th birthday!

i don't even really know why i'm writing this except to say hello. i hate not writing for a whole week, it's silly, but i just can't think of anything funny to say. i wanted to post a video of my new reason for living: the jenny craig commercials featuring queen latifah, but they don't have it on youtube, so you will have to watch it here. the best part is obviously how she keeps it real from the get-go with "i don't watch the scale. that's never been my thing..." while also subtly letting us know with her body language that wearing purple cowl neck sweaters with long, flowy skirts has never been her thing either, along with not being a huge dyke, which is MOST DEFINITELY NOT her thing. she is the biggest lez ever. i actually found the commercial somewhat inspiring though, and i liked the health over forcing thinness upon oneself angle. lord knows queen is never going to look like nicole richie, and thank god for that! she's gorgeous!

in that vein, i found it ironic that i posted this entry about losing weight and what you gain and lose with it exactly a year ago when the other day i stepped on the scale only to discover that i have gained pretty much all the weight i ever lost back. i don't know how that is possible since i still fit onto some of my "skinnier" clothes, but i guess it just kind of creeped up on me. i was barely holding on, well over fighting weight, but still at jean shorts-and-high heels-possibly-getting-laid-tonight weight when i met joe, got laid, fell in love, and totally just lost it. i am in this sort of delusional denial of it all, but all the signs are there. if i see a dress i think will fit me and try it on, it never does. this is a dangerous game when you acquire most of your clothes thrifting, cause sometimes there are no fitting rooms and also to not fit into an awesome dress or blouse is 100,000,000 times more depressing when it's one of a kind. so sad. i've been back to my old tricks of only buying accessories and shoes, but i hadn't even noticed i was doing it! three things are to blame for this (besides me) love, pizza, and american apparel, for making it so easy to live one's entire life in a super-low v t-shirt, showing sexy cleav and not even realizing that your waistline and backfat are slowly but surely obliterating the possibility of you getting onto any tops with buttons in the foreseeable future. none of my favorite vintage dresses or tops fit and i think even my feet have gained weight.

one of the things you take for granted when you lose weight steadily like i did last time is how easy it becomes to look "good" in a photograph. i had completely forgotten the old fat girl days of taking shots at extreme angles, extreme close-ups, or avoiding the camera altogether. suddenly, while there were of course LOTS of awful pics of me, there were a lot of good ones too... and by good i mean thin-looking, even though i realize that is wrong. these days i have to erase just about every pic that is taken of me, which is a damn shame, since i just got a new camera for xmas. to me, all my pictures look kind of like the ones of those who had watched the evil video in "the ring," blobby and awful. horrific.

well, there you have it folks, i am officially a 27 year-old failure, still broke, still fat, and still crazy, if only mildly suicidal. i have decided that since i love joe so much i will give myself one or two more years to live and see if i become famous, and, if not thin, then at least healthy and not giving a shit what anyone thinks, like queen latifah.

bound for glory, or at least last summer's cut-offs

last night, or this morning, i guess, i was up until 7:30 a.m. so i slept until about 2 p.m. today. the good news is, i am kind of tired now, so maybe i won't be up so late tonight.

i feel like i have so much to write about, but i'm feeling really fucking lazy. i have been working quite a bit at home, feeling depressed, and to top it all off i am pretty sure i'm getting sick. i always get sick right before something fun is going to happen, and as you know joe and i are traveling to san francisco this coming weekend, so i am drinking emercen-c lite with MSM for joint support lemon-lime/ass flavor like there is no tomorrow. i wish i could be drinking the sweet nectar that is new acai flavor emergen-c, but alas i am slowly but steadily re-embarking upon the journey toward limiting unnecessary sugars. so far so good today, but i really need to incorporate exercise into this routine. of course, i do mean to start gradually, doing things like "removing my pajamas," the ever-popular "leaving the house," or even some "cherry pickers" to stretch out the old musculars.

this is all in preparation for some pretty hardcore dieting i am going to have to endure if i'm going to get myself into tip top shape for what is sure to be one of the highlights of my year, a lifelong lesbian goal realized: dinah shore weekend. i can't even go into this because it honestly deserves its own post, but this hilarious dream will be realized the first weekend of april, and i need to lose at least 15 pounds if i want any aging bull dykes in bikinis to look my way. i mean, OBVIOUSLY i am attached to the most beautiful, amazing joe in the world, but a little double-take and wink of one dorky-sunglasses-wearing-eye never hurt a lady. joe is secure, believe me. in fact, i'm pretty sure i will come back from that weekend praising jesus for him and he won't be able to peel me off his dick for a week, but my friends and i are going to have a blast (i think)!

i feel so fortunate to have a boyfriend who is secure enough in himself to not mind if i write about whatever i want. granted, i would most likely balk at being censored, but still it is refreshing to know he would not wish that upon me. in fact, joe is sometimes infuriatingly not jealous! he only paused a moment when i told him i was going to write about trader joe's lesbian crushes. my theory is that every queer girl has at least one trader joe's lesbian crush. for some reason (veggie sushi? goddess dressing? six varieties of hummus?), trader joe's is a mecca for lesbian employees as well as patrons. i have hot a friend who used to work at the TJ's in silverlake and i swear to god, if she didn't already have a hot hot girlfriend, she would have gotten so much trader poon! girls were always like "don't you work at trader joe's, heehee." then there was this other girl i heard of that had fallen hard for a trader joe's lesbian somewhere over on the west side and suffered a heart more wilted than the mexican broccoli right before produce turnover day. my trader joe's lesbian crush works at the pasadena store by my mom's house. she is cute and very butchy, with a sexy low voice, but she wears baggy light wash jeans (!) and hideously nerdy kicks, so it's kind of good she is behind that checkout stand. i keep trying to give her the "i'm gay too" eye, which joe says he and other queers he knows find annoying, but when you are a femme who has lived your entire gay life largely deprived of it, as i have, the thrill of it is indescribable. the first time she as my cashier i was there with joe and she seemed extra cool to us, but last time i went in alone and she didn't even know i was alive. that's okay, though, because i have the best joe in the world, and i wouldn't trade him for anything. awww *hand claps*

oh my god, where does the time go? this is not even what i set out to write about tonight. mostly i wanted to tell you all that i am boycotting perez hilton's website, not because it lacks any semblance of true wit (which i now realize is reason enough!), but because he has finally gone too far by taking part in what i can only call a smear campaign against presidential candidate barack obama. twice this week he posted pictures of obama fundraising volunteers in houston, tx who had a che guevara flag up two different spots in their offices. the suggestion was that obama is somehow a communist. i think it is fairly obvious that the opinions reflected on that wall are those of the young staffers answering the phones and not of senator obama himself, and i believe that is is inflammatory and irresponsible for perez to publish those photos without explaining that fact to his readers. i can understand why the pics would irritate him (despite my own stance on the matter), but i don't appreciate the way he reported it. then, yesterday, he posted a youtube video with the clinton allegations that obama plagiarized a speech without explaining the full story AT ALL (get it here). like it or not, perez is fairly popular and influential and i think that at this point in his career, he has a responsibility to at least report all the facts, if he insists on straying from petty celeb gossip and into the world of politics. as for clinton's aide's allegations, the straw grasping there is just damn embarrassing. i knew hillary was going to help elect john mccain. for now, i am supporting obama. i will support clinton if i have to, it's not like i'm a total hater, but she is making that harder for me by the day. ugh. i will be sticking to dlisted.com to get my celeb news from now on. mike might not have the immediate l.a. scoop like perez does, but at least he is HILARIOUS and can actually write.

in other gay blog news, i would like to officially introduce one of my new favorite blogs, gaycondo from portland, oregon. while i do not know any of these folks personally, i was introduced to their blog by new friend kayla, who i met on joe's and my portland trip extravaganza 2007/8. gaycondo is the hilarious adventures and learned musings of an actual condo in pdx filled with gays! well, two gay couples, one male and one female, all four of whom write in the blog. check it out!

there are a few more blogs i have been checking out, but i will need to read them more before i can give my full assessment. blogs are pretty awesome, aren't they? well, when they are used for good and not evil. or if it's evil, at least funny evil.

i will leave you with this little tidbit. the other night i caught the last quarter of the movie "bound" starring jennifer tilly and gina gershon. it is a lesbian classic, to the point that when my friend emily's purse got stolen from this skanky lesbo bar once, the thieves totally used her blockbuster card to rent "bound" and never return it. LOL (years later, that is, not at the time). in case you have never seen it (wtf) you should go out and rent it, because even though it is by no means a "lesbian" movie, it is very stylistic, suspensful, and sexy. kind of a crime classic, i'd say. the trailer is below. anyway, the point is, i'm sure i have written about it before, because it is one of the greatest (and least true) compliments i have ever received, but this past summer, when i was much thinner, this random girl at told me i look like jennifer tilly. i was tickled, to say the least. i guess i do kind of have the slanty-eyes and the lips, but her body is so so hot. i will never look like that, but i suppose getting just a little tiny bit closer to it will make all the lettuce and pickles on lettuce sandwiches and diet rite colas i am going to have to consume that much more worthwhile.

clandestine cow

soooo... i know i promised to write every day this week, but instead of writing tonight i went out and got hammered. but it wasn't my fault! i only had two beers, but i haven't really eaten in days. i am too broke to afford to buy food and, despite what one might think "moving back home" entails, it does not involve one single meal at my mother's house. the woman does not buy food!

not that i deserve to eat. and i don't mean that in the genuine anorexia way, i mean that in the holy fucking shit i am, like, 300 pounds way. i saw an ad on the... i don't remember something educational channel... for this show with this guy on it who dresses up as different animals to fool them and joins them in the wild. the most recent installment is called "dangerous encounters: undercover hippo."

a) hilarious.
b) perfectly describes my life from the time i lost a bunch of weight up until now.

the fact is, i will always be a hippo, no matter how much weight i ever lose. wait, to be clear, i mean hippo as in fatty, not as in highly aggressive, semi-aquatic mammal who kills more people in africa each year than any other animal. anyway, i definitely have this deep connection to being a fat girl. i think being fat has enriched my life in numerous ways and taught me many lessons, although often painful. the thing is, i don't want to be as fat as i am right now. i am self-conscious all the time about my body, even around joe, who loves the way i look. i certainly wish i could learn to love myself no matter what, but i fear that may be a pipe dream, and i have not a pipe to smoke in, at this point.

which leads us to the future, my new project i have yet to give a clever name to. i fully intend upon publicly humiliating myself as much as possible, which should be fun for all of you guys, at the very least.

more to come. for now, goodnight!

good morning, i mean.

like the deserts miss the rain

one would think that being denied membership in a somewhat prestigious webring based solely lack of posts and not content (brilliant content!) would light a fire under said bloggers ass to post more often, but alas, weeks later, here we are. i don't know what's wrong with me. i guess i have built up expectations in my mind over what is appropriate to post here, and now even though i gotta say, 90-93% of my thoughts are hilarious, i just don't know if i want them on my blog. this combined with the fact that i have pretty much, save for meeting the love of my life, reverted back completely to my nineteen year-old self. i am eating constantly and without discretion, staying up until 6 a.m. and sleeping in until 2 or 3 p.m, and watching more television than i previously thought possible. the only difference is that i don't masturbate twice a day, but that is because i have a lot more sex than i did then and i didn't just get my first vibrator for my birthday (sweet 19, indeed!). this is what happens when i have no job or money. if i had money at least i would leave the house to buy makeup and probably clothes, therefore realizing how fat i've gotten and being forced to exercise. ugh, it's so so so DEPRESSING! i watched that tape of myself again and it made me so sad i had to drink like, seven beers. beers have so many carbs but vodka is expensive! and the cycle continues....

oh well, i have a job interview today, which seems fairly promising and a great opportunity. we shall see.

it's raining out and as we all know, i hate the rain. i simply cannot stand walking around perpetually damp. it is uncomfortable and makes my hair frizz. luckily, as i mentioned above, i have very little occasion to even step outside. i am staying at j's house quite a bit and he has directv. it is RUINING MY LIFE. i have logged in enough hours with the law and order team i feel nearly qualified to take the bar exam. hot damn, that show is good! mostly, i enjoy SVU these days because it has ice t on it and jerry orbach is dead so regular law and order is just not the same any more. i miss jerry orbach, probably not as much as his family and friends, but definitely as much as someone who watches seven hours of law and order a day.

i have also been watching movie channels. the other night i was up until about five a.m. watching "happy feet" (makes no sense, despite cuteness) and "swimming pool," which is a french film. i liked "swimming pool" a lot. it reminded me that i love french films because so many of them rattle along, luring you in with their beauty, nudity, and strange calm, then wallop you over the head at the end with something insane. like "fat girl" (american release title)! oh man, you have to see that movie, it's so good (fucked up). in that vein, i also watched "the quiet" which was sucky but entertaining and also fucked up. mostly i liked it because camilla belle and elisha cuthbert are both crazy hot and the director is jamie babbit, so the movie was crazy lesbionic. good times.

i suddenly feel so talkative! i missed this blog, i guess i really did. some other things i miss include getting a paycheck, the days when "shopping vintage" meant so much more than simply stepping into some glossified, over-priced hovel next to american apparel, and my grandpa living at home (and remembering me). that's just a few things. i'm sure there is more.

clothes minded

luckily for me (and you) i have a lot of time on my hands lately to think about how annoying everything is. oh man, not having any money around this time of year is so depressing. don't get me wrong, i know it could be worse, blah blah blah, you don't read this blog for my astounding amount of social-awareness and grateful attitude, and you know it. all i'm saying, though, is that i hate that i am probably going to have to spend ANOTHER christmas with no money to buy presents for my family and friends, not to mention my lovely boyfriend. ugh, it almost makes me glad i still haven't set up my plastic surgery savings because then i would probably be dipping into if for things like "emergencies." better to be completely broke than wasting my eyebrow lift money on food and tampons.

the impending holidays, my recent extreme weight gain, and unemployment have led me back onto the path of rage drinking. when i drink like this, i seriously have no control over my mouth and i seem to forget who my real friends are and who i can trust and it gets me into trouble. all i want to do is have a laugh, but i usually end up falling asleep in a blind, drunken rage. wha? no more. i am limiting myself to three drinks a night when i go out, including beers. also, i am going on a diet. i was toying with the idea of becoming fat-positive and trying to love myself as i am, but three things have stopped me dead in my tracks: 1) thigh chafing. GOOD LORD. i lost "the weight" (i love when people say that) so long ago, i forgot what this was like. ouch. i mean, it's not like i am fixing to start any major fires under my pencil skirt, but there's a rub and it is not pleasant. 2) i am too broke to afford a new wardrobe, and all my clothes are getting too tight. last winter i was considering having my favorite slacks tailored because they are just so lovely, but they literally were falling off me, looked sloppy, and i couldn't wear them without a belt. today, they fit like a second skin, and not in a good way. 3) i am working on a top secret film project and i had to see myself on film today. i looked absolutely fucking HUGE! it was all i could do not to weep openly right there in front of the camera crew. wtf?

i also realized that my face looks terrible when it moves and that my voice is really weird and annoying. it's a good thing i deal primarily in print, because sweet jesus! ugh. i am going to start practicing faces in front of a mirror a la "america's next top model" and take some voice lessons. this combined with the weight loss i am expecting from my new diet (dubbed "the lettuce/mustard diet" because that's all i am going to eat), i should be skyrocketing to superstardom in no time. i will post the info on super-top secret video project #1 as soon as i can.

now, i know i complain a lot about how i look and that probably gets pretty old. i was going to try and make myself feel better by writing a post about how badly everyone is dressing now and how everyone looks the same and it makes me want to cry, but then i realized that i am way above that. not because i found out that the true secret is tolerance and it's what's inside that counts, but because bad fashion actually makes me feel WORSE in general, even if it makes those of us who know how to dress look better. it is just really depressing and wears me out. i feel weak and tired even thinking about this girl i saw at ikea the other day....

but i will save that one for next time. until then, i love you all. i will leave you with this: when the line between "hipster" and "safari leader" gets this fine, it's every man for himself. it's a jungle out there.

we-no

this weekend isn't really worth following up on. i had a date on friday that ended up being kind of a disaster, but not because of my date. then i ended up at "truckstop" which is a ladies night at Here Bar in west hollywood. look, i don't really go to west hollywood and here's why: it blows.

in west hollywood there are several (six or seven) beautiful women, none of whom are butch and all of whom would probably assume i was asking them for change if i tried to speak to them. i'm no butch/femme identity nazi or anything, but there is no more terrifying a surprise than seeing a girl you think looks like a handsome young butch in a sea of tacky, unoriginal weho femmes, then looking down and finding that she is wearing pointy heels. shuddershudder. just a personal preference though, pay me no mind.

on a side note, i am really fat right now. i keep planning on losing weight, but i have been in a state of general mental crisis lately and it just so happens my comfort foods are all noodle-based. in another, sweeter life my comfort foods will be scraps of toilet paper and coffee grounds, but alas i have been dealt this lot for now. anyway, i just thought of that because i feel like everyone at "truckstop" was thin thin thin. i don't know, that place should be fun because i love dancing to cheesy music and staring at cheesy people, but something about it just shakes me to my core. maybe it's the horrifying air-strike siren that goes off every half hour announcing the entrance of the "hot" gogo dancers who are really a bunch of straight girls in victoria's secret overstock lingerie dancing on the bar semi-lasciviously (OMG THOSE TWO GIRLS ARE TOUCHING THEIR CLOTHED PELVISES AGAINST ONE-ANOTHER!). whatever, i have seen my own mother be more scandalous.

wow, i am really on one today. it is really fucking hot and humid and i don't think i should have to suffer through this weather unless i am on a rainforest hike and there is some kind of naked waterfall in my near future.

eh, sunset junction was only fun because all my friends were there and we made it fun, but it was actually hot and lame and i missed blonde redhead.

of course, afterwards i got to go home with my new cute friend and we made dinner and had a lot of sex. i'm kind of wary about writing about all this because i feel a general unrest re: hanging out with and banging someone i actually like a lot, but you know, i guess the time has come to be forthright. i don't know what's happening really, but i'm having a good time laying in bed, laughing and talking, which is pretty much my favorite thing next to complaining about stuff i can't change. oh yeah, and my newest favorite thing, which is having several orgasms in a row, one after another. how embarrassing is this? i seriously want to punch myself in the face every time i catch myself walking around with an idiot's half-smile. ugh. whatever, i gotta go. i'll write more later. or soon, i hope. i have no internet!

love you, bye!