Amanda: Failure Princess

i met sia!

last night (tuesday) at wildness, jd samson was djing. it was great and everyone was on the dancefloor. as i mentioned in a previous post, i have seen jd and sia out together in l.a. before and they are SO CUTE together, but that's not the point. now, i am a los angeles native, born and raised, so i try not to get too star-struck when i see celebrities. i mean, for godssake, when i worked at the salon, i washed tom hanks' hair!!! but, when i see/meet an artist whose work i really really admire, i just lose it. sia is so fucking talented. her most recent album some people have real problems is brilliant. her voice is gorgeous and her lyrics are so so beautiful. i just love it.

well, before i even got there, i accidentally drank a sparks, which if you don't know is a fine malt beverage MIXED WITH ENERGY DRINK. if you know me in real life, you know i am not allowed to drink energy drinks or i become completely insane. one time i had two sugar free red bulls and then watched an in-line skating contest where the girls were jumping on rails and falling on their faces left and right and i was just screaming uncontrollably. my heart almost leapt right out of my chest and when i was coming down from my high all i wanted to do was suck my thumb and cry.

now imagine that combined with full sugar and a touch of booze. not pretty. i had to have a glass of champagne and a beer just to bring me to almost normal.

then i get in line for the bathroom RIGHT BEHIND SIA!

i had to say something because the way i see it, even if i was a celebrity trying to lay low and hang out with my girlfriend in a tranny dive bar in macarthur park, i would love it if some energy drink-crazed, curly-headed mess came up to me and started screaming in my face about how i am her absolute favorite and she just loves me blah blah blah.

actually, i am not joking, i really would like it, but it didn't happen exactly that way. when i walked into the alley that the restroom is in (uh huh) she was the only other person in line and i was like "this is awkward, but, uh, i'm a BIG fan!" and she thought that was really funny. she was so so so nice and asked my name and introduced herself (lol) and was the cutest thing ever and really fast in the bathroom, which was a big plus cause i had to pee pretty bad from the sparks and the things i tried to chase it with.

i wanted to ask her to sign my little notebook, but i decided that was just going a bit too far. now i wish i did though because wtf, who cares. i don't think she would have thought any less of me. oh well. it was really cool and i feel like a dork, but i don't care. also let me add that she's a great dancer! i feel like you can really tell a lot about a person by how well they dance to 90s club hits.

you can learn even more about sia and hear her music and see videos on her website. her latest single "soon we'll be found" is one of the only things in the world that is bringing me any hope and happiness right now. here is the beautiful video and the lyrics.

Come along it is the break of day Surely now, you’ll have some things to say It’s not the time for telling tales on me

So come along, it wont be long ‘Til we return happy Shut your eyes, there are no lies In this world we call sleep Let’s desert this day of hurt Tomorrow we’ll be free

Let’s not fight I’m tired can’t we just sleep tonight don’t Turn away it’s just there’s nothing left here to say Turn around I know we’re lost but soon we’ll be found

Well it’s been rough but we’ll be just fine Work it out yeah we’ll survive You musn’t let a few bad times dictate

So come along, it wont be long ‘Til we return happy Shut your eyes, there are no lies In this world we call sleep Let’s desert this day of work Tomorrow we’ll be free

Let’s not fight I’m tired can’t we just sleep tonight don’t turn away it’s just there’s nothing left here to say Turn around I know we’re lost but soon we’ll be found

booby trapped? not i, i say!

okay, so i posted my first review on yelp.com and since it is the only bit of adjoining words i have been able to squeeze out of my fingers, i shall post it here.

it is a review of the new(ish, now) night here in l.a. i told you guys about called "club booby trap" and if you will remember, i was unsure of what to think of the joint. well, i have made my decision, and i gave the club one star on yelp:

wait, is this my first review? i feel like that's kind of lame, but it's three a.m. and i feel inclined.

temporary spaces gets a half star for looking like it may have once been a cool dive bar and for the smoking patio (i have had fun back there talking to my friends), and club boobs gets a half star for playing kylie minogue once.

first order of business is a response to cheri g's review. i feel the exact opposite way that she feels. i feel like the west hollywood lesbian nightmare somehow mated with the FIDM-going, fake eyeglasses-wearing straight girl nightmare and laid an egg on the east side. i don't even know what isn't "scene-y" about this place except for the fact that i have never "seen" (get it???) 80% of the crowd that goes here out on the east side before, and i am a veteran. in theory, this crop of new homos would excite me, but i found most of this crowd to be rather snotty and scene-y themselves in a totally different and more obnoxious way than your average sometimes-cliquey east side dyke. this in turn makes me nervous that the west side is infiltrating the east. 

which brings me to my second point, which is that whether these ladies are from the east or the west is obviously not important, but the trend of these types of west-side style nights popping up on the east is disturbing. i suppose it is the natural way of things. after all, the west side lesbian clubs clean up every night of the week and the one east-side mainstay, shotgun at the eagle, is often hit or miss in terms of turnout. 

why is this? maybe the bottom line is that los angeles lesbians WANT to be around primarily femmes (in the least political sense of the word) and "soft" butches (ditto on the lack of politic plus add lots of hair pomade), they NEED to go somewhere with lounge-style seating and tealights burning, they INSIST upon paying at least $7 for a mixed drink... can this be true?

in that case, i hereby renounce my l.a. lesbian heritage in favor of what i have become increasingly comfortable with: i am an east side queer femme, and as god is my witness, i will never set foot in the booby trap again.

the girl whose review i responded to in the beginning had said she hoped it stayed cool and didn't get too scene-y, which i though was ridiculous because that place is beyond scene, in the traditional l.a. sense or the word. i couldn't help but notice that the same girl gave a nasty review to shotgun at the eagle because she felt like it was too clique-y. 

i have to say that i'm unsure of how to feel about this. last year, for me, the eagle had become almost "Cheers"-like. i even kind of look like norm, but that's a whole other story. the bouncer knew me, the bartender knew me (to be fair, Kim is friendly as hell and knows everyone), 8/10 people in there any given wednesday had probably shared a beer or a cig with or even peed in front of me at some point (girl thing). what i don't quite understand is, does that make me a part of a scene, or does it just mean i went to that fucking bar way too much? i remember what it was like to not know anyone there. i remember how lonely it felt and how no one really wants to talk to you if you don't look like you belong, and even if you do sometimes! i guess i had convinced myself that it is no longer like that, after all, i don't really see most of the people i remember it being impossible to talk to when i was 22. 

or do i just not see them because now they are my acquaintances and friends? these days, since i don't go out as much, when i go there i don't feel like i know nearly as many people. it's kind of jarring and i sometimes find myself looking around thinking "who the fuck...?" and then i catch myself because a) duh, i am old and someone turns 21 every day, and b) the more the merrier. the way i see shotgun/the eagle is as an inclusive place where queer east siders can be themselves, and i want my attitude, whether in that bar or anywhere else, to reflect that.

i feel truly lucky and blessed that i found my "scene" every time i go to the west side and nearly die of boredom or go into a club like booby trap where some snobby lesbian in a mini-dress is staring down one of my friends for being awesomely rowdy. even though i am the memaw of the group (unless you give me more than 4 vodkas), i hope i always have friends that want to be loud, rowdy, and dance around crazily and not care what anyone thinks. the whole booby trap thing just feels really contrived and even though they are supposedly trying to do "something new", it's not new just because it's new to lesbian clubs, and furthermore is especially not new because it is new to EAST SIDE lesbian clubs. indie song dance remixes? establishing a brand name? a plethora of girls with highlighted hair and fake lips? been there, done that, decided to stay gay on the east side, thank you very much.

the pride is high, but i'm holding on.

barely. 

this weekend was insanely fun. in fact, saturday was so fun that i didn't even do anything on sunday. i figured east side pride was so absolutely perfect that there was no reason to head out to west hollywood. plus i am totally out of shape and i was sore from dyke marching/dancing alllll night long. 

i was up all night friday night with what i am pretty sure was caesar salad poisoning, so i didn't get to the park for the first annual dyke day l.a. as early as i'd hoped. once we finally got there, though, it was the best day EVER! the women who organized it did such and amazing job, and there were so many people and so much to do... it was seriously almost emotional to be there taking part in something totally new to l.a. also, i like getting drunk in the grass.

the dyke march was more fun than ever this year, i think because of the energy (and booze) we were all carrying from the park day. we had to rush off kind of quick after the march because ajai had to make the wedding cake for the big packin' heat pride party in downtown l.a. the cake came out gorgeous (no thanks to me), and we were off. we got to the party at around 11 p.m. and bianca was djing first. she played the remix of "heart beat rock" by kylie and i started dancing all by myself. amy got there and quickly ran onto the dance floor to join me. suddenly, the who floor was packed and the dancing didn't stop. i maybe stopped dancing five times until three in the morning, and one time was just to pee.

on the wall in the bathroom there was a stencil of a man's face that looked curiously like lance bass. i took that as a gay sign, although i'm sure it couldn't have been him (RIGHT?!?!)

i'll stop my rambling because it's almost six a.m., i haven't been to bed, and i have a ton of work to do tomorrow, including checking out a pretty exciting job prospect. 

i have posted all of the pictures from los angeles east side pride 2008 on my Flickr. feel free to leave comments and stuff. 

show me love

let me start by saying i feel a bit overwhelmed because i haven't written for so long. you must understand that i write to you all day in my head. every time the breeze blows a grain of sand into my eye, every time i go into a bathroom that is out of hand soap, and every time i accidentally think of miley cyrus in a sexual way (so wrong), i think "that's going in the blog!"

so, as you can imagine, a week-long hiatus, particularly during a week in which i went out nearly every night, the supreme court of california overturned the ban on gay marriage, and i saw one of the best live shows i've ever seen, i have a lot to say. oh yeah, and i was kidding about miley, although i do love blasting "see you again" from my car, and it gets some weird looks from other adults. whatever, that song rules.

okay, for starters, there is a new queer night in los angeles called Wildness, which takes place at a dive bar in korea town called the silver platter on tuesday nights. the only bad things i can say about this night is that the bar is beer and wine only and that it gets a little crowded. seriously, it's totally "off the hook" as they used to say like, four years ago. what do they say now? can anyone help me be cool? email me at amandafailureprincess@gmail.com if you can. anyhoo, the night is basic in that it consists of djs, a dance floor, beer, crappy bathroom situations, etc. what makes it unique is the crowd, which is so diverse i don't even know where to start. the best way to describe it i guess would be "art fag" though that doesn't really say anything does it? let me just say that the patrons of this particular club cross all gender, orientation, ethnic, and age lines, but what they have in common, from the locals to the lookie-loos, is the desire to dance up a storm, check out awesome performances (last week was sister mantos), dress to impress (in so many ways), and just be... free i guess. i know it sounds sorta hippie-ish, but i'm into it. i've been kind of bah-humbug lately, but i would go to this every week if i had it in me. last week there was a limo parked out front where you could lounge with your friends and buy $2 tequila shots. at one point, this guy burst into the limo shouting "who has the poppers?!?!?" no, he was not joking. he never did find those poppers, but it made me feel good knowing he had them at some point. disco isn't dead, my friends.

wednesday night i went to a benefit show for my friend vanessa, whose bicycle-cum-art piece was stolen from the very place the benefit was held (echo curio). the cartographers played, there was much dancing and merriment, then we all headed to the eagle for some more fun. it was a really fun night, but again, i am having mood issues. i know it's partly pms but i feel something else at work. i just don't feel motivated to go out anymore, and it's not just cause i'm in a relationship. i just feel kind of "blah" and it makes me sad because i love my friends and i love being out and about.

i don't know what's up with that. i mean, i have a few ideas, but it's going to take a lot of effort to get to where i want to be... that being in my favorite dress and back in heels. here's the deal: i barely dance anymore. i feel impeded by two things, the first being that i'm just not comfortable with my body at all right now. this is not to say that i think there is anything wrong with how i, or any other people of size (lol, i mean fat people), look on the dance floor, as everyone knows that dancing well is more about confidence, rhythm, and making a hilarious/sexy dance face than how a person's body looks. i have seen some hot, skinny bitches massacre a dance floor before, much to my horror. seriously, i get chills up my spine just thinking of one girl in particular. eesh! still, my body just doesn't feel good to me right now. it is difficult to focus on perfecting one's booty shake when you can feel your belly fat a-jigglin' too, i'm not going to lie. the second reason i am having trouble with the dance is that i dance much better in heels, but i never wear heels anymore. i wasn't able to wear them when i was younger, but about three years ago, when i started to lose weight, i was suddenly comfortable in them and wore them out nearly every night all last summer. it's so much easier and fun to dance in heels, especially if you are going to be pulling any fancy booty-dropping moves. well, now that i have gained all this weight, i seriously can't wear them for more than 15 minutes without wanting to stab my feet to death for betraying me. i will always and forever admire those fat ladies and drag queens who can wear heels all day into the the night. hot damn!

in other news, i missed long beach gay pride this weekend, which i am pretty bummed about, BUT the awesome thing was the reason i missed saturday night was that i won 2 tickets (through perezhilton.com. don't judge me!) to see robyn! i have never won a thing in my life and i won these days before i had big plans. oh well, i decided i had to go to the show because a) i WON!, and b) i love robyn's new(ish. been out in europe forevs) album and heard her show was really brilliant. it WAS! i was so impressed by how great she sounded live and how great her band sounded as well. she has two drummers, which i have never seen before and is awesome, and a guy on keys/computer, plus sometimes one of them plays guitar. she is SO cute and adorable and i love how she is straight but has lesbian hair. the audience was 90% gay men, so of course i felt at home and at ease. i took joe as my date and he really enjoyed the show too, even though he's not a robyn fan, that's how good it was. you guys OBVIOUSLY remember robyn's hit "show me love" from the 90s, if only from the movie, right? i happen to think that song is great, but her new stuff is very different since she has her own label now, and just REALLY good. here i am enjoying the souvenir robyn canvas tote that joe bought me. you must MUST download "cobrastyle", "be mine!" (original version, not ballad), "with every heartbeat", "handle me", and "who's that girl" (produced by the knife), all of which were even better live. plus, she did an encore of "show me love" reworked to be much slower and more her new style, but very awesome to hear that song live. i was not expecting that, though i'd hoped for it.

last summer i went to long beach, l.a., and sf pride. so far this year, like i said, i missed long beach, and i don't know if i'm going to make it to sf. my one consolation is that l.a. pride is going to KICK ASS this year, thanks to the organizing of some very special peeps. last year east side pride, aka the silverlake dyke march, afterparty at the eagle, and super-party at mj higgins put on by packin' heat were so amazing, i just knew it could only get better. this year it most definitely will with dyke day l.a., a day in the park preceding the dyke march that will feature djs, bands, comedy, arts, etc. i'm REALLY REALLY excited about this because i am hungering for a queer community, a truly queer community and not the gay bar culture of west hollywood, in los angeles. i know i need to challenge myself and my own shyness and insecurity (and laziness) to become more involved. i patted myself on the back briefly because joe and i volunteered a few months ago to gather signatures to counter the people who are gathering signatures to put another anti gay marriage initiative on the ballot. then i remembered that i really sucked at getting signatures while joseph, mr. "i'm not as social as you" was ACE. you should have seen him, it was so hot. i wanted to eff him right there on those library steps! anyway, i was butt-hurt and disappointed at how bad i was at it and complained a bunch and vowed never to do it again. still, there MUST be a way to apply my talents to some type of activism, right? haha, omg, i fear that perhaps being an activist entails some kind of hope and optimism that i simply do not possess.

no, i know that's not true. i feel alive with hope when i think of all the good things to come in the future, not just for "my people," but for everyone. i did shed a few tears of joy when i read the supreme court verdict, and not just because, since finding the first true love i've ever had, i can see more than ever to possibility of walking down the aisle myself, but because of all of the committed partners that came before us and paved the way for this. this is a huge step in history, for the gay couples who never got the chance to marry, for the gay couples that will marry now after waiting so long, the gay couples that will marry in the future, and for the gay couples that will say "fuck that, i never want to get married!" because they have that choice to make. that's what the freedom to marry is about, you know, freedom. definitely one giant leap for love.

classic robyn video, "show me love". the nineties were so scary/wonderful!

the awesome video for "be mine" by robyn. such a sad, yet danceable song. my fav kind!

and to end on a happy note, robyn's GENIUS performance of "cobrastyle" (a teddybears cover) on david letterman recently. and no, her band didn't wear those bear heads at the show, heh.

nothing could be finah than a weekend spent at dinah...

and the new ways to reference dinah shore keep a-comin'.

alright, here's the story, i can't seem to think of a damn thing to write about dinah shore. it was an amazing experience on the whole, though terrifying and overwhelming, but the fact is i spent a lot of time bonding with my friends and not nearly enough observing the curious species that is the "mainstream lesbian" in her natural habitat, which was my original goal. i did get some pretty great pictures of randoms, got to hear betty, the band that is responsible for the awful L-Word theme song, perform live at the pool party, and met dani campbell from "a shot at love with tila tequila" (okay, by "met" i mean "stalked with my camera"), but perhaps the mini-highlight of the trip was at the very end when we were all waiting for vanessa at our cars. suddenly, a few cars away, we heard "apple bottom jeans, boots with the furrrrr" blasting and were invited to a parking lor SUV party by some very friendly middle aged lesbians from god-knows-where. we all started having a crazy dance party and they were serving us cocktails of vodka and vitamin water (shaken. seriously, in a shaker)!!! it was amazing. it basically sums up the spirit of dinah perfectly.

my friend vanessa took that picture when she got back and found the crazy scene. below are some of my favorite pictures from my photo story, which i have posted on my Flickr account. the link will lead you straight there. please go see them! there are many more and the way they are posted there/the captions are how they were meant to be viewed. i recommend the "details" view to read the story, then clicking on them for a closer look.

spring breaking...



moof's bedtime was drawing near and we hadn't even left for the white party!



wait, no one wears white to the white party... RIGHT?!?!?



his is not my lesbian lifestyle.



the hat gives her an edginess. it says "hey, i'm so down with you dykes. it's all good!" well, that's what Five Years Ago told her, anyway.



like a kid in a candy store! except replace the word "candy" with "body paint and razor burn."



kp and ajai added a touch of class to the joint.



i need to call my travel agent, asap.



define "proud."



cause this is makin' me feel PRETTY DARN PROUD!



my first mullet of the evening. the first time always hurts the worst.



but by the second time, it kind of starts to feel... good. not a mullet virgin anymore!



seriously, were they giving these hats away at the door?



this is but one photo in the milk and banana dance-off saga. please see my photo story for the juicy... milky... details.



THIS is what we came to see people! femme on femme action.



day two: the lovely doral pool. vanessa says it will be slicked over with butches' hair gel by noon.



okay, small detour at the babeland booth. matchy matchy!



melissa and michelle (who took the awesome pic above)



one of many times i "shot" dani campbell. get it? GET IT?



baby d saying goodbye to that veggie burger and her dinah virginity.



night two: amy, crazy eyes, vodka in paper cups, lesbian charter bus... yeah, i'm pretty sure this pic is what i want etched on my tombstone.



ajai and sheldon by the pool sunday.



anna la chocha, maker of the fabulous short documentary about dinah shore weekend, "A Lez in Wonderland", tries to get a signal at the babeland booth.



bobbi with yuki of tokyowrestling.com, a japanese queer culture website. very awesome!



i wish i had been more like this lady. it's really nice to see that some lesbians did not let the weekend go to waste and really worked on their self-expression and art...



cheers to that!

as you all can see, i had a FUCKING BLAST! the weather was gorgeous, our hotels were lovely, i didn't get too drunk, didn't have too much life ruining drama, got a pretty amazing tan, and even met some amazing new people. i was supposed to leave on sunday but i ended up staying an extra day because we were invited to this gorgeous mansion where we swam in a heated pool and hot tub, ate delicious thai food, and watched anna's documentary. if you can get your hands on "A Lez in Wonderland" you must, as it is LOL funny whether you've been to dinah or not.

i guess that's all. i missed joe like crazy, but i don't have to tell you guys that. it definitely reminded me why i appreciate my little queer corner of the world in los angeles, all of my awesome friends, and my beautiful boyfriend, who isn't a lesbian, but doesn't mind if i am sometimes.

for some more dinah related laughs, check out my friend vanessa's blog about it on myspace. she definitely got to witness parts of it that i missed, i.e. the hard work, the being recognized as a famous lezzie (VANESSA FROM CURL GIRLS!!!!), lesbian fights and tears, way more boobies, and chicken wings (don't ask, just read). i also want to thank her so much for her hard work and for giving us (her friends) a purpose for being places like dinah beyond debauchery. a special thanks to her, sujey, and bobbi, for making the weekend fun for everyone, including the less-fortunate. so much love, so much FUN! i'm already thinking about next year... kill me now!

Teaser for, "Alez in Wonderland"

it was a saturday!

um, the title of this is from a song by my friend rachael cantu. she's good, check her out!

anyway, it is a saturday and you may be wondering to what you owe this posting. well, first of all, every time i write a controversial post, i develop this terrible fear of dying or becoming incapacitated before i can write another, so here i am! i don't know how i didn't write about this already, i guess i was just SO EXCITED that i absolutely forgot, but the most hi lar ious thing happened on wednesday!

my friends and i decided it would be okay to abandon our usual wednesday queer haunt, shotgun at the eagle, for one week to check out this new girl's night on fountain and normandie called "booby trap." i don't know what to say about it really. i mean, it was nice to be doing something different for a change, pretty much everyone i like was there except for a few select 9-5ers and orange county dwellers (you know who you are!), and the dj did play "red blooded woman" by kylie minogue. the prblem was it seems like the promoters are basically trying to bring a touch of the west side to the east side and that is annoying. i don't see why someone can't just do something different. must every lesbian bar (except shotgun) be a dark "lounge" with candles, expensive drinks, and terrible music? to be fair, there was a decent crowd there and a lot of people were dancing, but i don't know, the crowd was weird and kind of gross. there were girls in awful hats and a lot of cheesily dressed, overly made-up femmes. not my scene. still, i will probably go back at some point. sad, right?

i was there with my friend and her girlfriend, who, as i think i mentioned once before, is a paparazzo. well, she got a tip from a friend of hers that none other than lindsay lohan was nearby at a local dive bar (like how i'm protecting her privacy? hahahahaha) with her main lez samantha ronson and no other paparazzi were there. obviously we had to race over there and see for ourselves! well, it was true. there she was, right when we walked in. just sitting there, laughing and talking with some average joe and jane looking friends. she actually looked much better in person than she looks in pics. she looked way more her age and relaxed, though it was a bit dark in there. anyway, right when we got there she slowly got up, grabbed her purse, and she and sam were off into the night! i think she recognized my friend. it was a bummer for her not to get a pic, but it was a kind of cool celeb sighting in our own neck of the woods.

after that we just went straight back to the booby trap where i smoked a bunch of cigarettes and lamented internally over the state of lesbian affairs in l.a.

it is, however, that time of year when it gets really fun to go out because a lot of people are out, everyone is in a great mood, and the weather is awesome. last year i believe i referred to this as the kickoff of "lesbian make-out season." of course, this year i will not be drunkenly making out with any strangers or friends because i have my wonderful joe, but i am excited to be out and mingling with everyone, watching them make-out, and gossiping about it later. just kidding. sort of.

sunday my friend scarlet has planned a park day for everyone featuring soccer and a picnic, which should be super-fun. the weather has been nice and i've been wanting to get outside drinking beer in the park for the last four weekends, so i'm excited for this. i'll try and take some pictures and post them here. it's too bad sam and linds won't be there to make my lesbian circle complete. DAMN.

party murder

maybe i just watch way too much "law and order," but lately i have been really paranoid about being murdered. i mean, everyone sometimes thinks about the possibility of being violently accosted by a stranger, but what about being murdered by an acquaintance or friend in a moment of passion? it's not like those people on law and order who are having a glass of wine with so-and-so let so-and-so in knowing he is going to totally flip and bludgeon/stab/strangle them to death! this means that at pretty much any given time, there is a possibility that one could be killed. last night i made joe promise to never murder me after having another one of my now standard waking dreams (i never sleep) that i was hanging out in my (non-existent) apartment and some anonymous person i was chilling with slammed my head into the wall and killed me.

it was one of those dreams where you are watching yourself do stuff, which very rarely happens to me. usually i am watching things from behind my eyes in my dreams.

oh my god, could i BE more exciting right now?

sorry, i had a rough weekend. friday was stress-filled. the good parts were joe and i got our plane tix to sf and we went to babeland on melrose to look at sex toys. i have (duh) been obsessed with the babeland site for a long time, but i had actually never been to the shop. it was fucking amazing! the whole place is kind of set up like a friend's room or something. not in a cheesy, earth-mother, step into my parlour kind of way, but in an "holy shit, my friend ____ has a splendid collection of sexy books, dvds, sex toys, and condoms. and the massage candle she's burning smells hella good!" i know one of the girls that works there and she was very helpful re: condoms. i ended up buying the babeland sampler pack. my next plan is to write a review on here of different condoms and how well they work with dlidos. this will be a very subjective review because of the different shapes/sizes of dildos and the different shapes/sizes of pussies, but i have been looking for condom reviews for users who aren't... uh... penis havers... and i can't find one so i'm going to write it. joe and i have the babeland sampler pack and we also bought (the other night in a pinch) this trojan condom sampler pack, so basically i am going to be fucking a whole lot for the sake of journalism. no, no, don't call me a hero.

sneak preview: the babeland condom (they have their own brand, one type: lubed, subtly studded, standard fit, pink) ROCKS.

ANYWAY, i just really liked the layout of the whole place, but i was a little overwhelmed because we were on a tight schedule, so i really can't wait until i get back there (and have money) so i can browse for hours.
i seriously could and will do that. i will bring a sack lunch.

saturday night i went to that party. first we stopped at my friend ajai's to meet up and chit chat a little and she was hanging out with this hot lesbo who is totally a paparazzo who stalks celebs and stuff. isn't that amazing? i pretty much wet myself. out of nowhere, the paparazzo looks at me and she goes, "have you ever seen the movie 'party monster'? the way you're talking right now reminds me of james st. james."

hahahaha. oh man, i have officially reached my goal of becoming so faggy i have surpassed even the average gay man. if i was a gay man, i would be almost super-human. here is a clip from party monster. in case you didn't see the movie, james st. james is (surprisingly brilliantly) portrayed by seth green. don't ask me why macaulay culkin's concept of playing a gay club kid = british schoolboy. whatevs.

LOL. the party was really fun, for the most part, but we got there late and we stayed there late and it was a whole lot of party for someone who never goes out anymore, therefor sunday was rough. there was a shitload of booze and a shitload of dancing lesbians. i took a bunch of pics, but i think they were all awful. i need to figure out how to use my camera. i dunno, maybe i will post some tomorrow.

whoa, isn't it weird how my 6 am ramblings have somehow tied into each other? remember the thing about being murdered unexpectedly by an acquaintance or friend from earlier... and that's exactly what party monster is about. you see, readers? that's called "story craftsmanship."

yeah... i totally did that on purpose.

we-no

this weekend isn't really worth following up on. i had a date on friday that ended up being kind of a disaster, but not because of my date. then i ended up at "truckstop" which is a ladies night at Here Bar in west hollywood. look, i don't really go to west hollywood and here's why: it blows.

in west hollywood there are several (six or seven) beautiful women, none of whom are butch and all of whom would probably assume i was asking them for change if i tried to speak to them. i'm no butch/femme identity nazi or anything, but there is no more terrifying a surprise than seeing a girl you think looks like a handsome young butch in a sea of tacky, unoriginal weho femmes, then looking down and finding that she is wearing pointy heels. shuddershudder. just a personal preference though, pay me no mind.

on a side note, i am really fat right now. i keep planning on losing weight, but i have been in a state of general mental crisis lately and it just so happens my comfort foods are all noodle-based. in another, sweeter life my comfort foods will be scraps of toilet paper and coffee grounds, but alas i have been dealt this lot for now. anyway, i just thought of that because i feel like everyone at "truckstop" was thin thin thin. i don't know, that place should be fun because i love dancing to cheesy music and staring at cheesy people, but something about it just shakes me to my core. maybe it's the horrifying air-strike siren that goes off every half hour announcing the entrance of the "hot" gogo dancers who are really a bunch of straight girls in victoria's secret overstock lingerie dancing on the bar semi-lasciviously (OMG THOSE TWO GIRLS ARE TOUCHING THEIR CLOTHED PELVISES AGAINST ONE-ANOTHER!). whatever, i have seen my own mother be more scandalous.

wow, i am really on one today. it is really fucking hot and humid and i don't think i should have to suffer through this weather unless i am on a rainforest hike and there is some kind of naked waterfall in my near future.

eh, sunset junction was only fun because all my friends were there and we made it fun, but it was actually hot and lame and i missed blonde redhead.

of course, afterwards i got to go home with my new cute friend and we made dinner and had a lot of sex. i'm kind of wary about writing about all this because i feel a general unrest re: hanging out with and banging someone i actually like a lot, but you know, i guess the time has come to be forthright. i don't know what's happening really, but i'm having a good time laying in bed, laughing and talking, which is pretty much my favorite thing next to complaining about stuff i can't change. oh yeah, and my newest favorite thing, which is having several orgasms in a row, one after another. how embarrassing is this? i seriously want to punch myself in the face every time i catch myself walking around with an idiot's half-smile. ugh. whatever, i gotta go. i'll write more later. or soon, i hope. i have no internet!

love you, bye!

finally, the pole and the hole.

in so many ways, you have no idea.

alright, i'm getting this close to cutting all fun out of my life because it causes me to neglect my blog. i like writing late at night a) cause that's when my brain wakes up and b) that way there is an entry each morning. that is a problem because when i go out i fuck my writing responsibilities to hell and when i stay in i should probably go to bed sometime BEFORE five a.m.

this kind of tomfoolery is what has led me to the great coffee problem of 2007. i am going to see if i can go to that Promises place in malibu for this. friday i went to work hungover and on three hours of sleep and decided that what my raging, empty stomach needed was two cups of muddy java with some of that oversweet hazelnut crap in it. about an hour later i was on my hands and knees getting a lesson in the finer points of cause and effect. the sad part was it wasn't any worse coming up as it was going in and that is because COFFEE ALREADY TASTES BAD to me. i need to stop drinking it, HELP ME.

okay, speaking of cause/effect, i am getting pretty sick of people who don't know the difference between effect and affect. i know i complain about this stuff a lot (and then fyi i read this blog and find about six typos per entry and cry) but in this digital age, i think we all need to start taking more responsibility for what we put out there in writing. maybe there should be grammar refresh classes. OR maybe they should have classes where people who are huge know-it all grammar assholes can go pat each other on the back. but only ones that didn't go to college, like myself.

i kind of feel like complaining about stuff right now.

my other current pet peeve is people who write boring captions on their myspace photos. i mean, i get that sometimes a picture needs no explanation, or not much of one, but what the hell is the point of myspace if not to demonstate to the world that you are a damn clever bastard? i refuse to believe that there are so many people who aren't clever just hanging about doing god knows what with the time they are not spending blogging or writing witty myspace comments. probably "working" and "loving" and "experiencing joy." woofuckinghoo i'm too busy for that stuff.

i'm pretty tired. this weekend was out of control because on friday my friend amy caron won the xgames bronze medal in women's street skating. as you know, i was not there to share in her joy because i was at work. i really don't want to work anymore. did i mention that? like i said, my job is fine, but i still would really like to do what i love for a living. and if you think what i love is talking incessantly, drinking with my friends, and having sex on people's porches, you are correct, except you've forgotten that whole writing thing.

anyways the point is we all went out to this strip club in hollywood friday night called The Seventh Veil. you know how sometimes you have this tiny dream, not a big dream or anything, but a really small one, and one day it comes true totally by accident, and so quickly and booze-fueled that you barely remember it? that's what happened to me friday night, my first time at a FULLY NUDE strip bar. oh man! i have been to tons of titty bars, but never one like this! it was exactly how i thought it would be, each element made perfect sense:

a) hairless labia galore
b) chubby couple getting lap dance from the lone chubby dancer in the place
c) wall-to wall eighteen year-old boys
d) super-skinny, young-looking girls who barely smiled
e) dancer with pot leaves tattooed on her hip bones wiping down the pole with windex
f) angry foreign dancer holding her tips in her fist screaming at us all that we were cheap bastards
g) parking lot full of people drinking in their cars

it was kind of my favorite thing ever. a lot of the girls were actually amazing dancers, which kind of puts plain old topless bars to shame. i wish i had more money to tip them, but i don't. i'm not going back until i do though, because they really were that good. it makes me happy to witness quality dancing in general and then when you throw the vagina element in there, it's kind of a no-brainer.

well, basically the party continued until 5 a.m. and then began again at 9:30 a.m. when everyone woke up and started drinking beers. i don't know why, i just don't know. we then drunkenly decided to walk to casita del campo and drink margaritas and food, which was a bad idea. CDC = ass-kicking peach margaritas and chips and salsa, but i have eaten the food twice and been muy unhappy both times. ugh. blahblah blah napping, then errand running, and another party that night. i wish i had pics, but i hate my camera right now because i decided i shouldn't have to use any electronic devices that are heavier than a can of beer.

today at work i am definitely going to need some coffee. i'll drink two cups, do some real work, then get on here and look for all the typos. arrgh.

gay roots, hoots, and fruit suits: san francisco pride 2007

this post is going to be mostly pics, as i am tired and my brain is filled with little fuzzies.

so we headed out on the road at around 11:00 a.m., two hours behind schedule! in our car was myself, ajai, kp, vanessa xkiller, and a whole asshaul of her sew gay t-shirts. sew awesome. we dubbed our car "team something special" and occupied ourselves for the first few hours by listening to the likes of hot chip and r. kelly's "feelin' on yo booty." down the road we met up with amy caron, van, bobbi, and deanna, who we would later come to know as "team jameson party" car. we were munching it up at in 'n out when lo' and behold, "team illegal substances" car shows up. ahhh, lesbians love vegetarian-friendly, mid-range fast food joints! what fun!

clockwise from left: kp, hedo, tina, ajai, deanna, bobbi, van, amy, and vanessa. not shown: me, duh.

we rolled in around 7 p.m. after a long day of driving and filming screen tests for our docu-drama "full moon/flower pussy/why doesn't anyone make fun of kp or vanessa?" (working title), then changed, made a few drinks, and headed out to the lexington for one drink before going to hot pants where my dear friend vera (dj automaton) was spinning an early set. long story short there was a brief fiasco, ajai and i missed the lex, and by the time we got into hot pants we were ready to party. a little too ready. one of the last things i remember about being there was taking two jagermeister shots out of tiny plastic cups. everyone said the dancing part was fun, but i don't remember anything after vera's set (which i danced my ass off to. so great!). the pix from in there suck because i was hammered and over-stimulated. then there are a bunch of us on the street trying to get a cab to go to this afterparty, finally giving up and walking to a mysterious van someone supposedly had waiting, then getting into the back of said van and drinking a bottle of jack. wtf?

vanessa about to unleash a world of schoolin' on the sf dance floor.

freckles and heckles demonstrating how they feel about unauthorized photos. but in an authorized one.

much to their disappointment, there was no smoking allowed in the back of that terrifying van.

amy and lindsey just trying to get thier drink on + my zombie hand reaching for the infamous stolen bottle of jack...

= me shortly after falling into a bush somewhere on the street.

so as you can imagine, i was HURTING the in the morning. normally when i drink i have very little shame, but i hate when i black out because i have no idea what horrible things i may have done, and i KNOW i was off my head that night. kind of bummed about it, but luckily all of my friends are amazing and took really good care of me and didn't give me a hard time. i woke up in bobbi's hotel room instead of my own with bobbi, the lovely sujey lee, deanna, and amy. i slept in my clothes (thanks for taking off my boots bobbi!), and then i showered but had to wear the same clothes and no underpants for the better part of the next day, despite the fact that i brought about seventeen costume changes for this two-day trip. ugh! luckily vanessa sells underwear as well as t-shirts. geeze!

hangover burritos at cancun, joined by aubree of swan island and a girl called noodle.

san fran-sujey. post-burrito, pre-lexington vodka sodas.

after some much needed hair of the dog (?) at the lexington (i had two delicious mimosas), we headed to dolores park to where hundreds of gays were demonstrating their freedom. there was public drinking, public nudity, public affection, and all kinds of ladies. it was awesome! it took a while to find our friends but once we did we just seemed to attract more and more people representing l.a. i dubbed our group "the deL.A.gaYtion" get it? ha.

xkiller and caron selling t-shirts and attitude. hahaha.

baby d. protecting her smooth, precious skin from the sun. we don't call her baby for nothing.

some members of the deL.A.gaYtion dressed more festively than others.

still, i was definitely proud of all of us.

DAMN PROUD!

so it was getting near the time to start wrapping things up before the dyke march at 7 p.m. vanessa, baby d., and i bonded as we took xkiller's wares back to the car on what was "THE MOST FUCKING HYSTERICAL TRIP TO THE CAR EVERRRR!!!" at least acording to our invisible friend "SHELLLLAYYY." i got a chance to change into new clothes at the car with the lovely care package ajai brought me from our hotel. i won't pretend i didn't order them to bring my my dior perfume and toiletries, but she included some extras i didn't even think of like my good sunglasses. awww! then we brought back with us the pièce de résistance, the unofficial eastside lesbian mascot, if you will: terry p. the banana suit. amy caron had volunteered earlier to be the banana, but i don't think she really knew what she was getting herself into. i have seen it before. when someone steps inside that suit, she BECOMES the banana. and what a badass banana she was. let the pictures tell the story....

that's not coffee in the banana's cup, i'll tell ya that much.

okay, so far so good. the banana chillin' with kp. wait, is that a different drink in the banana's hand? is that a TECATE LIGHT???

holding the banana's beer just before she bolted for the hill...

one of maybe a dozen times the banana ran up a hill, did stretches, then rolled down the hill to the delight of the crowd.

is this banana some kind of athletic superhero???

well, she sure falls like a pro.

alright, so i think you get my point. i put myself in charge of minding the banana, thinking there was some remainder of my sweet, little friend amy inside, but the banana had taken over. one minute she was letting me walk along beside her holding her peel, and the next she was tearing off like a yellow devil. at one point she tripped over an orange then picked it up and drop kicked it shouting "well, fuck you, motherfucking orange!" that's right, a banana drop kicking an orange, and the evening had just begun....

dyke march!

the sign above them said "femme love for sale" why didn't i think of that?

fierce friends from portland including vera from swan island (middle left) and the always fabulous niki(middle right).

kate the pisces, deanna, and bobbi, feeling the love.

don't call them milk mustaches. (*blurred to protect the nips of the innocent.)

OMG, IS THAT VANESSA FROM "CURL GIRLS"?!?!?

alright, well, that's really all i got folks. the march was amazing. everyone was happy and dancing around, there were people hanging out of their windows with signs and beads, we peed in the street a lot and no one minded. it was bliss. we were hanging out on this one corner for quite a bit just talking and running around and enjoying being friends and being gay, and just being out in the twilight of a different city. i was nervous a bit later because we lost the banana (she was fine) and my phone ran out and i ended up getting disconnected from some of my friends, but the friends i was with went to a dance club and cut a rug. it was fun. i didn't take any more pics because my batteries were low and my face was busy, so you're just going to have to take my word for it.

i can't wait for next year!