Archive for this just in

(half)pipe dreams

August 5, 2008 peeps, this just in

lately i had begun to think that none of my dreams would ever come true. oh, sorry, i think i am using the term “dreams” rather loosely. i don’t really have any of those kind that begin with “someday i’ll be…” or “i want to achieve success in the field of…” i just wasn’t built that way.

it was revisiting this thought, that most of the dreams i dream are rather small, that finally cheered me up a bit this weekend, as it also brought me to the realization that i have actually been living out many of my dreams left and right! first off, i now own and love a vixen bandit dildo (which i promise to review later this week), started taking a water aerobics class (more on that in another post), and finally made it into the basement of the staples center!

but let me start at the beginning. it was friday, august 1st, 2008 at 2:30 p.m. joseph and i were headed to the X-Games 14 women’s street skate finals, which were being held on a large course built on a parking lot just outside the staples center in downtown l.a. we were going there to watch my friends amy caron, vanessa torres, sophie poppe, and evelien bouilliart compete. i was also looking forward to watching marisa dal santo, as i had never seen her skate in person, and leticia bufoni, whom i had seen the weekend before at the S3 Supergirl competition in huntington beach. leticia is a 15 year-old brazilian tiny who skates like a maniac. look, i don’t know anything about skating and i won’t pretend to, but i know what i like to watch. it’s fun to watch them when they have serious tenacity and keep going after a trick until they get it, or make it look easy (i think that’s called “style”). anyway, i love watching little leticia almost as much as i like watching my good friends skate. marisa (who won the silver medal that day) was fucking awesome to watch too, as well as (obviously) the day’s gold medal winner elissa steamer. but my most favorite skater EVER, partly because she’s awesome at skating, partly because she is really funny, and partly because last summer she looked-after my black-out drunken ass in ways i may never know, is amy caron, and i am so proud of her for winning the bronze medal!

the competition was set up in three jams of seven minutes each on different parts of the course. sophie hooked joe and i up with her friends and family passes, so the view was great to watch the comp, but not so great for taking pics because i couldn’t actually get on the course. everyone was skating really well, but it seemed by the third jam, which was on a rail, that leticia bufoni and rachel reinhard were duking it out for third place, at least that’s what the announcers were saying. it did seem like they were both hitting the pavement hard trying to complete some fancy kickflips over the stairs, and according to what the girls said later, that part of the course was really gnarly, which i assume means steep. it’s hard to get that perspective when you are standing beside it, but i guess it looks much more daunting standing at the top staring down at the pavement below, or rather careening toward it on a piece of wood with wheels on it

anyway, as i said, amy had been skating well, but i don’t think she felt like she was in medal contention,5-0 or at least that’s what i was getting from her body language after the third jam. when she heard that she was currently in fourth place just before the final jam began, though, it was really on. the crowd watched her kick it into overdrive, and it was an amazing thing to see. if i remember correctly, she was the only person to skate the ledge, and the trick she did was beautiful. it is called a 5-0 and please don’t ask me why that is, but here is what it looked like. after this part there was a perfect landing and a lot of cheering. it was awesome.

the rest, as they say, is history. amy won the bronze medal at X-Games for the second year in a row and it was time to celebrate. the first thing we did was head down to the athlete’s lounge at the staples center to hang out and wait for her to be done with interviews and stuff. the passes we had enabled us to go down there, but we needed to have another special pass to actually WALK down there. it was kind of ridiculous, but it made me feel very special and VIP when we finally found someone to escort us down. okay, so i never realized i had always dreamed of walking into the bowels of the staples center until i IMG_6741was doing it, but it was just sort of exhilarating! almost as exciting as the actual athlete’s lounge, which was stocked with all manner of free non-alcoholic2731667928_ed54b89a5f beverages, a catering station, baskets and baskets of powerbar products, a free photobooth, massage therapist, flat screen tv, leather couches, and a unisex bathroom! i felt like kobe bryant himself! i’m pretty sure i opened one of each of every free drink in the place just to taste it. unfortunately i am a moron who was in the direct sun for four hours that day and i lost my head, so the only two pictures i have of the experience are one of half of sophie’s face and marisa and evelien eating free sandwiches and one of amy texting really gay-ly. BEST DAY EVER.

now, i know this coverage isn’t exactly in-depth, as i obviously know nothing about the technical aspects of skateboarding, but i wanted to share my day with you. i was super-disappointed when i went to the X-Games blog and was met with this post about the women’s event, which is lackluster at best, and downright offensive at worst. i guess it is supposed to be flip and funny in the classic skateboarder way, but i didn’t find it amusing and a lot of the information was wrong. one would think that in a sports world that lives outside of the norm, that women wouldn’t have to work extra hard to be considered legit, but i guess some things are universal.

anyway, here is the video of the highlights they posted, thankfully.

on the up-side, i had a great time hanging out with all the girls at once. sophie and evelien were visiting from belgium, vanessa was down from northern california, marisa says funny stuff and is from chicago, and meeting leticia was really cool, even though there is a language barrier. these women have the ultimate respect for each other, as athletes and as people, and they drive each other, which makes the sport even better.

 

*the picture of amy’s 5-0 trick was taken by ashley brennan (click to make photos larger). you can see a few more of my pics from the competition and the ensuing madness on my Flickr page.

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amy caron wins bronze at X-Games 14

August 4, 2008 peeps, this just in, uncategorized

well, i guess the title tells it all. that’s hard-hitting journalism. there ya go.

just kidding, i will be posting all about my X-Games adventures later today or tomorrow when caron forks over some pics. i was in a sweet spot for watching the competition, but my pictures during were kind of weak because i didn’t have a full-access pass and also i was enjoying watching everyone so much!
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straight talk, out and about

April 28, 2007 nightlife, this just in

haha, get it? how i am not a famous writer is beyond me.

anyway, i have to write this quickly and shortly because my internet is being a jerk and it only works when i stand in one spot and hold my laptop directly toward the ceiling, which makes it very difficult to type. i was doing just this last night at about three am when i heard gunshots from somewhere on the street. one would think this would make me drop to the ground and slink off to my internet signal-free bedroom, but no. i stood there fearlessly until my myspace new comments page loaded, goddamn it. isn’t there a number you can call and say “excuse me, the internet connection i am pirating just will NOT work, and i can’t have this. i rely on my internet connection, i have a BLOG for godssake!!! and a myspace!” no? oh.

Mypicture_3 sooo.. lacey blew out my hair on wednesday. it looked lovely one weds night. i went to the usual wednesday night dyke watering hole the eagle (aka gauntlet, aka gspot, aka ghole) and everyone went nuts or had no idea who i was and gave me dirty looks when i said hi. oh how i love thee, unfriendly cliquey lesbos! it actually blew out really nicely and was way soft. this may be due to the new product line they are using at the salon called carita. well, that and lacey’s skillful hands. thursday night i went to mr. t’s bowl for club butchin’ which is monthly, i think. my roommate’s band was playing. it was reeeally fun! everyone came out and a ton of people were watching the band. i was feeling overstimulated because there were so many people i knew and my hair was puffing out because i was running around and dancing, but it was great. some weird guys parked their car right out front of the club and were blasting tupac, which turned into a tupac lesbian parking lot party at the end of the night. i don’t think those guys realized they were at a girls’ night. hahaha.

so, tonight i am going to some kind of fundraiser… event… thing… for the gay and lesbian center. i dunno, my tickets were free. in fact, everyone i know who is going got free tickets. i was confused as to how they were planning on raising any funds, but my roommate jaime explained that they have to keep us young lesbians around for eye candy to convince the old ones (who pay) to keep coming back, year after year. this made perfect sense. my hair this morning, however, does not. it is all straight/wavy/crazy and looks like one of britney spears’ wigs. still, i have decided to wear it out tonight like this. i’ll try to take pics of tonight’s gayity, but i dunno if they will let me take a camera in. or if i want to. i plan on dancing until i pass out, or at least getting really drunk, cause this could be baaad. oh well, gotta support the ladies, right?

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now, moving on to UNwelcome guests…

April 25, 2007 consume, this just in, work

at Buffalo Kitchen, we have to refer to our customers as “guests.” i suppose this means we should all just start throwing words around meaninglessly with complete abandon. hey, you know the big fucking headache i had when i got home from work today? that must have been a “guest” too, right? jesus fucking christ! the idiocy of it all is killing me! today i had my 30 day review and one of the questions the manager was asked to answer on my evaluation sheet was whether or not i was “demonstrating Buffalo Kitchen culture.” when i found out the answer was yes, as the glowing review before me read, i felt like i was gonna vom.

it’s not that there is any shame in working as a hostess at a shitty corporate chain restaurant in a mall… it’s just that this is not how i expected to be spending what may be the last year or two of my youth. i’m supposed to be travelling across europe being orally pleasured by twenty-two year-old boys and writing short stories in which they are actually girls with beautiful, shiny hair and they bring me little gifts like handmade paper and vintage perfume decanters filled with exotic spirits. instead i am wearing non-slip shoes from payless called safeTstep 3581, answering to attitude-y ninteen year-olds who think i’m old and weird and kind of slow, smiling so hard at complete assholes that my face hurts, and saying things like “NO, thank you for coming in. y’all come back soon!”  if this isn’t reason to contemplate ending my life more seriously than i ever have before, i don’t know what is. my only comfort is in certain co-workers who i find to be a sheer delight and the gay dudes i get to ogle all day. being a gay man must be like, just a real giggle. the eye candy alone would be enough to make me wake up each morning looking like a had a banana in my mouth… i meant sideways… not in a sex way. oh, nevermind.
Banana_splitweb

speaking of bananas, i totally bought a banana split off the ice cream truck that terrorizes my neighborhood with a loop of “it’s a small world after all” in which each refrain ends with a cartoon “doiiiiiiing” sound. normally i try to maintain at least somewhat of a facade that i’m not a complete and total fatass, but i had the WORST day at Buffalo Kitchen, the fucking ice cream truck was parked directly in front of my house when i pulled up, and then i saw some happy skinny kid running off with a huge banana split and thought, “that could be me!” i love bananas. did you guys know that? i really do. they are so creamy, yet tart at the same time. bananas are like nature’s ice cream, so what better thing to sandwich between two halves of one than ice cream? ah, sweet  redundancy. it makes for poor conversation, but fine desserts.
i didn’t even eat the damn thing. i put it in the freezer to “save it for later” then took it out a couple of hours ago and ate off the then-frozen bananas. oh my god, frozen bananas are even better than regular bananas!
i don’t know why work sucked so bad today. i mean, it is always a sheer humiliation just to put on my uniform, drive there, and enter the restaurant, but the job itself is fairly easy and sometimes even kind of fun(ny). but today sucked so so so bad. i think the worst “guests” come in at lunch during the week. this is because if you think about it, who the fuck goes out to eat in the middle of the day on a weekday? i’ll tell you who, freaks and industry types.

today “wet nap lady” came in again. “wet nap lady” (wnl) comes in with her friend “similar-looking short old J0101279011000bglady,” who distracts the host just enough so wnl can race behind the host stand and grab fistfuls of wet naps before being seated. this is the funniest part. it’s not like she grabs them and runs out the door as she’s leaving. she grabs them in a frenzy, crams them in her handbag, then calmly walks to her table and orders lunch with her friend.
also, today was a day in which EVERYONE who came in wanted a booth or to sit by the window. here are a few tips: they are all booths, technically, and the window looks out onto what is basically a loading dock for the mall stores. today was also a day in which everyone insisted on walking in the exact opposite direction of where i was trying to seat them, saying essentially “no, we want to sit over here…” or made me lead them around the restaurant so they could try out different seats like it was goldilocks and the fricken three bears. look, if you don’t already know this, i am going to explain something to you right now: there is a REASON the host takes you to a certain seat. the servers have certain sections and there is a ROTATION to the seating chart. therefore, unless there is a dead rat or a shit smear on your table, you are going to sit any-damn-where i tell you to, not look at your husband and go, “is this seat okay honey? is it too close to the kitchen?” with your little nose crinkled up.
Foundationsquadstrollerwithkids

and another thing, i HATE strollers. NO, we do not have designated stroller parking. NO, i will not park it for you. i say if you are strong enough to make a baby, then squeeze one out, you should be strong enough to carry it around your damn self. this goes for the dads too. wimps. and why must everyone have so many children anyway? do you need four, FOUR screaming, freckled brats? i don’t understand this. if there is one thing i have learned from working at Buffalo Kitchen, it is that white people love to breed just as much as everyone says we mexicans do. one more stereotype, shattered! well, i guess it’s not all bad, then eh?

anyway, i am off work for the next two days. tomorrow i am going to do a bunch of important stuff like staying in my underpants all morning looking for jobs, going to get my hair done and hang out with lacey, then coming home and shaving my lady bits. this is going to be a treacherous feat because i have been getting waxed for so long and don’t really remember how to shave, but i am pretty deep in the red financially and the last thing i need on my plate of reasons not to love me is “huge, out of control bush,” so here goes.

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celebRIBties. get it?

April 17, 2007 this just in, work

okay, so obviously i haven’t written in a while. this is because i have a problem with commitment. i hate it. i like to go wherever the wind takes me, hoping all the while that the wind takes me into a gay bar.

i feel like a jerk. i feel like an ass. i feel like… OH MY GOD, you guys don’t even know what happened to me today! i went on a catering job for Mystery Restaurant X, which will henceforth be called “Buffalo Kitchen” as my friend christie so affectionately renamed it. anyway i totally felt really butch because i had to lift a bunch of crap, but really the girl that was doing it with me lifted most of the crap. anyway, but i lifted some. and i broke a sweat and even got a cute little u-shaped sunburn on my chest which will probably someday turn into cancer, or worse, prematurely aged skin, but whatever.

so GUESS which celebrities were there? well, there was this old lady who plays the old lady in a bunch of movies. but not the rapping granny. and not jessica tandy because she is dead R.I.P. wait, is the rapping granny still alive?

0000036249_20061201153611 anyway, also “norm” from cheers was there and he didn’t even get seconds, shattering the myth that fat people love seconds. oh wait, yeah, he totally got seconds, but just on meat, and that’s, like, very low in carbs. and also the woman to your left, who is maybe the HOTTEST older white lady in hollywood. i dunno, i just think she is so sexy. and i totally served her ribs. awesome, eh? she was really nice.

i made a $60 tip on the job, then came out to my car after and saw a nice juicy $50 parking ticket. my third of the month.

i have a sneaking suspicion this post could get me fired. then again, i also have a sneaking suspicion that if i got fired i would be secretly relieved, go on unemployment, and probably enter some sort of mental institution lite, for the only somewhat insane.

this post sounds insane doesn’t it? i’m sorry, i’m just really excited to be back. i have loads of photos and stories, most of which are personal because i am too broke to afford any makeup or new clothes. seriously, i have even been rocking the “fresh” look for like, two months, but that is only because i don’t have any money to afford foundation.

i am thinking of selling my beloved 60gb ipod because i need the money so bad. i would quite frankly much rather turn tricks, but i can’t afford to get waxed and for some reason i feel like even the guys who have to pay for sex probably have way higher standards these days. i don’t know what would give me that idea, but it may have to do with a really long cycle of feelings of worthlessness and self-doubt.

tra la la.

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quickie

March 27, 2007 this just in

i am totally covered in whore-like bruises.

i am sorry i haven’t been writing at all lately, been busy. and by “busy” i mean desperately trying to cry but coming up with nothing.

and finally moving into my new place!

i started my job at Mystery Restaurant X today. it was horrible. pics to come of the hideous uniform i had to buy and the ugliest shoes you ever saw in your life.

i am building a tiny tiny bridge.

the coolest, most awesome, fun, nice, great band from portland are staying at our place for a couple of days and have shows in l.a. wednesday and thursday which are gonna be off the chain. they are swan island. check them out.

the next couple of days are gonna be fun. i am buyin new camera batteries TOMORROW, and then posts of all the fun and more good stuff are forthcoming, i promise. i was imagining myself getting hit by various cars last night and thinking that i really didn’t want my last entry to be the last entry i ever wrote. i feel similarly about this one.

so, yeah, gotta write more.

reading poetry tonight in front of a bunch of people. scared shitless.

later.

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opposite day

March 24, 2007 this just in

you know, lately i have been thinking “wait, why is my website called this? i’m not so bad… ” but in the last couple of days i have been jarred back into reality. i am a complete and total fuckup. seriously, it’s almost absurd how i screw up everything and sabotage myself on the constant.

if there is a deadline, you can count on me not to meet it. bill to pay? nope. place i have to be at a certain date or time? nuh-uh. it’s really ridiculous, especially considering i can still remember the exact smell and feel of every fiber in my first love’s school sweater.

i don’t understand how someone so cynical can be so impressionable and naive. i have been so absolutely stupid these last few years, and even months, i can barely see.

i want to be one of those girls with an unattainable heart, a thirst for any kind of love and for the blood of others, a thirst for… for just about anything. i want to hurt people and never care. i want to be aware of my power and wield it over others. i want to disappear. i want everything i believe in to disappear.

do you guys remember opposite day? that game was so fun. some jackass kid always took it way too far though, and ruined it for everyone. well, i miss opposite day. i wish today were opposite day.

if today were opposite day, i would have enough money to put gas in my car, the only person in the world who absolutely loves me and each quiver from my throat would not be someone i can’t talk to anymore, and my tits would point up.

if today were opposite day, that fourth paragraph would have any truth in it what-so-ever.

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crazy in the head, crazy in the bed

March 13, 2007 sex, this just in

if looking good is the best revenge, then smiting my enemies has not been on the top of my list for quite some time now. i have let myself go. i haven’t been eating right or exercising, haven’t had a facial in over a year, and almost never lotion up my entire body and wrap myself in a thermo-moisturizing blanket for 45 minutes.

no more, i say! on top of it from now on.

the diet is going well. i have lost six pounds using only mild starvation and marathon fucking. it’s been wild. i don’t even know where my brain is, but i have a sneaking suspicion it’s somewhere… well, where the sun may or may not shine depending on local codes of decency in the state of california. i need to quit. last night i had the craziest dream that i was totally making out with one of my straightest, most platonic, non-lesbionic acquaintances. and it wasn’t half bad.

anyway, enough about me. well, not really. i just wanted to apologize for not posting too much right now. i have a lot of stuff on my mind. i have a lot of posts to write. i am going to soon.

and after that i am going to post and post every day like a good blogger who loves all her new readers and thanks! and with pics!

i lost my camera batteries at akbar so i can’t upload all of my recent photos of fun los angeles nightlife. oh don’t roll your eyes, jerks!

loves you.

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updating, dieting, working

March 8, 2007 this just in, work

hey guys, sorry i haven’t been around much, updating and such. you know, all that “updating” kind of stuff. stuff like that.

i am semi-delirious because i have decided to embark upon a journey known as “the diet.” that’s right folks, for the next four weeks i am only eating slim fast, lettuce, diet coke, ice chips, and handfulls of those diet pills that promise not to give you the jitters. then, after that, i promise to start eating right and exercising.

being on a diet is lame because it means you have mindlessly subscribed into society’s warped view of perfection and beauty. being on a diet rules because it means you only need one and a half vodka sodas to get blotto and dance away even more calories.

anyway, i am about to get a new job as a hostess at a restaurant. in an OUTDOOR MALL. don’t even ask, i need a job!

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thanks a lot astrology.com

March 6, 2007 this just in

there’s no way this is going to be overly interesting to any of you, but this is my blog and i just have to post it here.

according to astrology.com, as a person born on february 26th:

Your personal ruling planets are Neptune and Saturn.

The vibration of Saturn is not always considered a lucky vibration, but often indicates a very tedious path to achieve the goals that have been set. Sometimes you feel alone. Sometimes you feel there is no assistance from the world around you, but your dedication and loyalty are your truly great personality traits.

Your experience of tough times will become a source of great wisdom to you. It is only later in life that your spiritual life will begin to develop and though your relationships may be tough, it is again through the hard path that Saturn will give you your glory.

Your lucky colours are deep blue and black.

Your lucky gem is blue sapphire.

Your lucky days of the week are Wednesday, Friday and Saturday.

Your lucky numbers and years of important change are 8, 17, 26, 35, 44, 53, 62, 71

Famous people born on your birthday include Victor Hugo, Jackie Gleason, Fats Domino, Johnny Cash, Godfrey Cambridge, Michael Bolton, Mark Dacascos and Alison Armitage.

so, this basically confirms my belief that i was born to suffer, that my only success will come from suffering, that the best thing about me is loyalty (snore), that nothing will make any sense until i am too old to enjoy it, and that black and blue totally is the best color combo.

sad.

luckily, i am only somewhat slightly secretly a believer in astrology. i don’t know, it just always seems right on the button for me, but that may be because i hate/love myself so much that i think i am every woman.

the good news in that article is that this year (26) is going to be a year of important change for me. sounds good. the bad news is… michael bolton? seriously?

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