Amanda Failure Princess

dear god,

so, it is becoming increasingly clear that what you have in store is for me to become exactly like my mother.

in general, i don’t really have a problem with this. i love my mom. she is funny, kind, and extremely popular at parties.

i do, however, have one request: if i am to become exactly like her, which incidentally includes being absolutely bat-shit crazy, can it please wait a few years?

all i ask is for ten more years of relative sanity, lord, before i become a raging neurotic.

i don’t think that sounds like too much to ask. i went to catholic school for eight years, getting fear and shame down to a science, and applying that in my daily life. plus, i don’t wanna say you “owe me” anything, but what gives with my disproportionately large upper arms?

thank you, btw, for blessing me with a big, wonderful, fun, warm, caring family whom i love unconditionally. except when i’m PMSing or they call me before noon.

your loving, however gay and fornicating friend,

amanda-faye

today i was writing a new poem for my class. it is a prose poem about my grandfather, whom i love absolutely so much and think i owe at least 80% of the good parts about me to. he has alzheimers and has to live in a home now, which i never visit. i beat myself up about this on almost a daily basis, but it’s so hard for me… i know that sounds so selfish. i can’t even say… i know. the thing is i can’t even think or write about it without breaking down. now, as we all know i break down easily, and a lot, but this is the most real and complex situation in my life… the most painful, so painful i can’t even stand it and i’d rather hide from it. he does not remember me. i owe my life to him, and he does not know me. it’s so unfair, i could die. when i was little i always planned that i would kill myself when my Poppo died, knew that i would die too if he ever left me. what to make of this then? what the fuck do i make of this disease that has stolen him from all of us, too fucking soon? i know he’s not gone, but it’s so hard to see him. i just found this old picture in my camera. i took it at my cousin’s 21st bday party, when my grandpa would get confused, but he still knew me. i remember thinking if he was on friendster (hahaha, friendster!) that this would be his pic. it’s so emo-boy. he is gorgeous.