Archive for t.v.

target: women

i have been feeling like a bit of a bummer these days, so anything that makes me smile is much appreciated. thanks to one of my favorite blogs, gaycondo, i have been introduced to the hilarity that is sarah haskins’ “Target: Women” videos. she serves up brilliant comedic analyses on how the media, advertising specifically, targets women in bizarre and sometimes downright insulting ways.

this is familiar territory for me, as i think about this quite a bit, but sarah brings up some things i never really thought about before, like why birth control is sold as period control and not, um, BABY REDUCER. i guess it never occurred to me as a gay lady who takes birth control to control her periods (they are about 9-10 days otherwise) that most women who take the stuff do so to stay kidfree. with all the sexuality on tv, this is just kind of appalling. women have sex! FOR FUN!

here is the birth control video. it’s LOL funny, so watch at work with caution.

this one on chick flicks had joe and i both in hysterics over “friend-o’s” alone.

and finally, this one made me laugh a lot…

because it’s true, then days later i heard about this:

splenda with fiber!!! fiber in your artificial sweetener. talk about a target audience.


of course you know, however, i WILL be purchasing this. i love a little extra boost of fiber. i’ll let you know how it works.


so, a few weeks ago i was at a party where i didn’t know that many people. for some reason everyone i knew kept coming and going in shifts, but i stayed because it was my friend’s birthday and for some reason, even though i had only three drinks, i did not feel sober enough to drive (maybe it was a contact high? oh, marijuana, i DENOUNCE you!).

anyway, toward the end of the night i struck up what started as a very interesting conversation about queerness with a gay guy i had just met that night. i had stopped drinking because i planned on driving home at some point, but he was drinking straight whiskey, and as time wore on, our conversation became a little bizarre. basically, he was totally obsessed with the tv show “30 Rock”, to the point where he was quoting it and asking me repeatedly if i watched it. i had seen it a few times, i but don’t get around to watching much primetime tv because of my schedule. i do think tina fey is hilarious. man, she sure is livin’ the dream. i’d like to think i could have been like her if i had a little more self-confidence. and hotness. anyway, i digress. seriously, this guy would not shut up about how much he loved tina fey and how it was an absolute must that any guy he dated would be an equally large fan of tina fey. not surprisingly, he had never had a steady boyfriend. but who am i to judge?

the next weekend, joe and i were trying to agree on a movie to rent at video hut. we have a real problem with this because for the most part he likes horror films and obscure comedies, while i like gay movies and french films. i know, i know. so, i saw season 1 disc 2 of “30 Rock” in the tv section and said “hey, why don’t we rent this?” and he agreed. i don’t think i have ever laughed that hard at a tv show in my whole life. alec baldwin may be nutmuffins, but he is a fucking comic timing genius! and tracy morgan… and kenneth the page! i finally feel like i have been let-in on a billion inside jokes i’ve seen all over the internet. “live every week like it’s shark week.” LOL! this may be the greatest comedy show on network tv today. i just finished the rest of season 2, which i drove to two different blockbuster videos to get, and i have to say, i can hardly wait until october 30th, when the new season starts! i can’t believe i have to watch it in real time. i’m gonna die from one week to the next! and i’m never home on thursday nights. i need tivo now.

i guess the point of all that is, thanks socially awkward drunken gay guy, for opening my eyes to the wonders of “30 Rock.” i’m sorry i doubted you, and i’m sorry i was too intoxicated to give you a ride home.

speaking of social awkwardness, i am having a hard time with that myself right now. in general, i always considered myself a pretty social person. i mean, i have a lot of friends and acquaintances. i make a lot of jokes, and people seem to laugh at them. i introduce myself to others and i am, for the most part, pretty good at introducing people to each other. i always try to make people feel comfortable in groups if they don’t know a lot of people… i don’t know, i guess i thought i was pretty good with people and a decent to good conversationalist. recently, as i have embarked upon this journey of self-discovery and healing, i realized that truthfully i am not really that great at being present in conversations. i listen and react, but there is always a part of me that isn’t fully there in social situations. instead of growing socially as an adult, i think i have been more of a show pony, rode hard and put away wet, and now here i am, wanting desperately to have true intellectual connections with people, but not knowing where to start. most people i come into contact with more than once know my life story, or at least the funny parts, but there are only a handful of people who i would say truly know me. it makes me sad to think this, because there are people i can honestly say i wish i could get to know better and want to let get to know me, but i need to re-learn how to get there with someone.

and then there are times when i really don’t feel worth knowing in the first place. i’ve been trying to think positively and do positive things for myself, but it creeps in on almost a daily basis. it’s hard to go from feeling like an unstoppable party girl to a totally awkward freak who can’t talk to anyone without cringing, but i realize that it’s part of the learning process. plus, i know awkward isn’t always bad. after all, tina fey has turned slightly awkward into the american dream, at least for the funny but imperfect.


my weekend was kind of like a delicious “skins” sandwich. friday i crawled around online like and obsessed 17 year-old fangirl looking up info and new stuff on the show. then, on sunday, i watched it as it made its us television premier. as you may know, i have already watched series one and two, which have already aired in the uk, but now that the powers that be (british people?) have brought “skins” to american shores officially via BBC America (which ps has the best programming! this evening i also watched a show called “my big breasts and me” and it was really fascinating), i am newly obsessed with the amazingness that is “skins.”

here’s why:

2754391857_7328fb3324_m1) the kids: living in a world, country, city, obsessed with youth culture is hard. i, for one, am completely tired of boring tv programming shoving wealthy, blonde, beach-going teens down my throat and informing me that this is the lifestyle i surely missed out on in my youth. i mean, i am all for re-capturing the good (awful) times, but i can never relate to any of these characters. i don’t think i have related to a teen character since jessie spano on saved by the bell, and that was mostly because we are both feminists. well, “skins” is written in a way that somehow makes the characters entirely relatable, accessible, and even true-to-life, while still creating a fantasy world that, at least speaking as an adult, feels sensationalized, voyeuristic, shocking… all of the above. it feels like all the things i was and wasn’t is represented somehow in each character. also, because they have british accents, they sound significantly less young and dumb, which is refreshing. 

2) the slang: what kind of wannabe fancy american would i be if i didn’t love english slang words? the title of the show does not solely refer, in fact, to all the skin that is shown (and it definitely has it’s moments!), nor the often painful shedding of one’s youthful skin while squirming towards adulthood, but the word “skin” is also a slang term for the paper used to roll a joint. my personal fav, which i tried in my mind unsuccessfully to justify using aloud, is “safe” as a replacement for “cool.” some of the words (such as “safe”) even have multiple meanings. luckily there is a glossary guide on the show’s page at the BBC America website. even more fortunate is the fact that the good people at BBCA have elected to add subtitles to certain parts of the show. it is absolutely necessary, at least in the first few episodes while you are getting used to the accents. this matter of convenience almost makes up for the censorship, though thus far i only noticed them editing out the word “fuck” and some nudity, not too bad.

2755224830_de3038f06f-13) cassie: i’ll admit, i do tend to have a weakness for the dippy blonde in a bunch, but the character cassie on “skins” is so much more than that. the part is well-written and acted so brilliantly by hannah murray. she is certainly one of the more outwardly fucked-up of the group, as she suffers from anorexia and other severe self-image issues, but she is anything but heavy. any cassie screen time for me has been like magic faerie time and, as cheesy as that sounds, because of the writing and acting, it doesn’t feel the least bit contrived. the second episode of series one, which first aired last night (they showed two episodes to kick off the show) is the first in-depth introduction to cassie. it will air again on sunday august 24th at 9 p.m., with another new episode right after at 10.

4) the music: one of the first things i noticed while watching “skins” the first time was how they effectively used music from the past and current popular and indie music as well. it gave the show a more artistic feel, kind of like a movie, as opposed to the distinct feeling of product placement i get from the soundtracks on most shows these days, although truthfully, you will want to hunt down any manifestation of a soundtrack to this show. it’s that good. i believe there is an iMix on itunes, but check out some of the fansites for more comprehensive songlistings. the remix to the gossip song “standing in the way of control” can be heard on the show as well as in certain promotional items i have seen, which is awesome to see. go brits for making the gossip the huge stars over there that they should have been here long ago!

5)2755223780_efd7dc5450 diversity: it’s a bit more difficult for me to assess the success of an english show in being truly diverse. much like most american shows with an ensemble cast, “skins” consists of primarily straight, white kids. there is a certain sense of token-ism, then, when you throw the gay kid, the muslim kid, and the black kid into the mix. the show avoids the pitfall of being overly-patronizing though, again, because of the quality of the writing. it’s definitely interesting, as an american, to watch a show in which one is learning about another culture (english) while also learning about other cultures within that culture, such as the experience of being an english muslim as opposed to a muslim-american. the show certainly centers around the friendship between the members of the group and isn’t exactly a huge political or cultural statement, but i obviously think it is important for different groups of people to be represented in popular media, and a show like this brings that to the table. one of the things i liked was the fact that the gay storyline does not center on the gay character maxxie’s coming out or something oft-depicted like that. there are definitely gay issues and issues of adversity that are tackled, but it is more about maxxie’s life and experience in that particular time, with his particular friends that takes center stage, and his being gay is simply a part of who he is. i like that because i can relate to it, as that was my experience as an out teenager.

i really hope you all will tune in to “skins” on BBC America. you can visit the official website for fun content, pictures, videos, and the schedule.

here is a version of the trailer that calls the show “a better gossip girl.” i couldn’t agree more. that’s why i’m posting about it. i hope that people will watch it to show that americans are interested in watching shows from other parts of the world. a well-written, well-acted show should be able to translate from culture to culture, and i think that “skins” definitely does.

okay, okay, i just officially pulled an all-nighter. i am going on vacation today with my family and joe and will be offline (GASP!) until wednesday. i can’t imagine that i will be posting anything before thursday night, but if i do, you will for sure be the first to know… since this is my blog… and you read it religiously… yeah.

eye of the tiger overfed housecat

i promised myself i wouldn’t let it happen this time. i avoided the tv, avoided checking up on it on the internets… but alas, i have caught OLYMPIC FEVER!!! it cannot be stopped.

four years ago my ex took me on vacation to vegas and i swear to god, we spent nearly the entire trip glued to the television watching gymnastics. it was fun and all, but i still think about how kind of lame that was, especially since i have weirdly decent luck in vegas and probably could have won some shrimp cocktail money on the penny slots. damn.

like anyone who doesn’t understand sports with balls and stuff, my favorites to watch are any race-type sport, particularly swimming, and like anyone who dreams of being a cute flying tiny, i also love to watch gymnastics. the problem with those two sports are that when i picture the people that get into doing them, at least in the usa, i think of white kids with rich parents having the time and money to do whatever they want. that’s all fine and good, and certainly no one could deny or diminish their athletic talent, but it’s not nearly as fun as a crazy story about rising up from Rnothing to win gold and the love and respect of your entire country. because of this, and i tend to root for whatever athlete/country has the most interesting story and/or is the underdog. sometimes that happens to be the usa, such as in the SUPER-AMAZING men’s freestyle relay i watched tonight. man, that was good. i also watched cuba CRUSH the usa 3-0 in women’s volleyball, which was awesome. okay, so cuba wasn’t the underdog in that game, but what can i say?

now i am watching the chinese women (can you even call them that? there is even some controversy this year with people saying some of them are not the required age of 16, and it certainly looks to be true, although the olympics committee says it isn’t.) do floor exercise. floor exercise kind of bores me sometimes and so does the chinese team. they are a bit robotic, and i like a little drama. the announcers are talking about how the romanian team sucks now and aren’t as rigid and hard on the girls as they used to be. they are talking about how the girls used to focus only on their routines back in the day and now they actually talk to each other and when one does bad the coach still hugs them, whereas before he would just walk away. um, okay, this is awful. i don’t know why i love watching gymnastics so much, it is a terrible sport! a bunch of ripped mini-ladies with amenorrhea and ponytails so tight it is probably killing their brain cells. plus, the american team looks so boring this year. i need to research them, but on looks and outward-shining personality alone, none of them looks special. i bet they are all named “staci.” are they? they are, right? i’m gonna google it.

Svetlana_Korkina_3who am i kidding, though. I LOVE IT I LOVE IT! still, no one will ever be svetlana khorkina to me. she is a goddess! i always liked the russians. dunno why. anyway, if it comes down to usa vs. china, i will definitely be cheering for my countrywomen. there is some kind of mini-crisis re: injuries going on just now making them seem much more appealing to me. also, one of them, nastia liukin, is apparently russian and there is another girl with giant boobies and gay face. okay, done, i’m totally on board.

anyway, swimming is still my favorite, it’s so exciting! i also like to watch diving. in fact, i like to think of the aquatic sports as “my” sports, because as you may know, i am taking water aerobics now. yeah, i really know my way around a pool, i gotta say.

Water-Aerobics-at-Thermal-Spa-Harkany-Hungary-Framed-Photographic-Print-C12421856water aerobics is really fun and, with the right teacher, actually an awesome workout. there are things about it that make me a little uneasy, like how everyone else walking by the pool kind of looks at us funny, which is not helped by the interesting music the teachers sometimes play. yesterday i walked into the pool just as a mega-mix of hanson’s “MmmBop” was ripping through the crisp sunday morning peace. i was also nervous at first about being in my bathing suit and exercising. luckily my fears were put to rest on day one when i was greeted with at least 30 women who were about 30-40 pounds heavier than me and mostly much older. there are a few skinny women, but everyone is really nice and being under the cover of the water is truly a blessing. although, i Aqua-socksshudder to think of what the view from an underwater lens would be like. yikes! all in all, though, i am into it. i’m not into how the bottom of the pool is making me have sandpaper-feet, though, so i am getting pair of water socks. i know that’s super-gay, but luckily so am i.

wow, this is totally becoming a sports blog! i think i am going to go out and buy a tracksuit! and by “tracksuit”, i mean “ice cream cake.”


so, the promos for the new kath and kim usa series are now being aired on tv and they look just awful. selma blair is pretty good at playing bratty, and molly shannon is undeniably one of the funniest women in america, but i am just worried they won’t really push the envelope with this one, which needs to happen for it to be even APPROACHING the hilarity of the aussie version.

this is a clip from what i believe is an early kath and kim sketch before it was its own series. it’s impossible to find full episodes of kath and kim on youtube, which really sucks. i totally intend on buying all the series on dvd when i can, but it would be nice to get a fix. this is a pretty funny clip though. if you’ve never seen the show it gives you a good idea of the humor and how the accents really add a special something. as well as kath’s white-lady fro. i can’t believe american kath will have straight hair! BLASPHEMY!

this next video ends with a creepy, pervy still of kim’s ass some weirdo made on youtube, but i am posting it here because it will give you an idea of how kim is SUPPOSED to look. part of the joke is that she is obviously way too old and fat (oh, she is preggers in the above clip, btw) to dress the way she does and even if one wanted to bend those fashion rules (good on ‘er, as the aussies might say), she takes it way way over the top. selma blair is actually much older than she looks but she doesn’t LOOK 35 and she is just too thin! they seriously couldn’t find a heavier funny lady? i find that hard to believe. i read some interviews where she was talking about gaining 10 lb and having a belly roll, but she basically just looks like a normal person. it’s not like the whole point is to laugh at fat people or anything, but if they wanted to hire a skinny actress, they have to have adjusted the humor big time, and it doesn’t look like they did. i guess it’s also the fact that, as an american watching, an older woman playing a “stupid” girl in a whole other culture is funny, but a younger actress playing a stupid american girl is just… sad. and all too real.

okay, if you haven’t guessed i have aussie fever. there are a few australian (one by way of new zealand) friends of friends and now new friends of mine in town, and it’s been so much fun hanging out with them tons. normally foreign people don’t like me because if i spend to much time with them, i will start talking in their accent completely by accident and i think they think i am making fun of them, but really i just have a sensitive ear. also, i ask loads of questions, but luckily i got MOST of that out of my system the first day i met marian, the new zealander living in australia. to her fullest abilities, she answered all of my queries about the cost of living, local radio, transport, and most importantly, kylie minogue.

here is a classic kylie video. who would have guessed this little tan tart would become one of the most famous women in the world? um, the answer is: DUH, ANYONE WHO WAS PAYING ATTENTION TO THE FINE ACTING IN THIS VIDEO! note the scene of her singing to the picture on the bed and the bath bubbles scene. oscar-worthy.

and finally, last saturday i was honored to meet pip, better known as ladyhawke. i kept staring at her and it was kind of embarrassing because i was a bit starstruck, but she was friends with all the aussies so i played it cool (sort of. not really). ladyhawke is also originally from new zealand, but i think now she spreads her time between australia and england. i don’t know for sure because i am not a stalker! i’m not! anyway, her song “back of the van” came out quite a while ago, but her popularity is steadily rising and the songs keep coming. her music is seriously awesome and she was, for lack of a better word, really fucking cool.

well, that’s all for now. if you’re at work, try and check out the videos i’ve posted when you get home. i am going to post a lot of pictures soon, as i have many many good times to show you, but this new typepad makes posting pics a daunting task. i’d do it for you, though, i swear. i mean, i will do it. yeah, i so will.

delicious ruin

i am well-aware that to most of you these “list” posts seem like a cop-out as opposed to the hard-hitting journalistic style you are used to from Amanda: Failure Princess (HAHAHAHA), but it’s monday, which, if you don’t know, is my sunday. fyi, tuesday is also my sunday and wednesday is my friday, as at this time, for the most part, i seem to be somewhat unemployed. it’s a real bummer on many accounts, the first of which is that my boss’ daughter is seriously ill. she is set to make a great recovery, but obviously this has been a blow to her family and friends. right now my boss is really busy with her daughter and such, as to be expected, but that means my duties are on a bit of a hiatus, which is very bad for little old me, who is without another part-time job to rely upon. the good news is, i have applied for a part-time gig that would pretty much be a dream job for me. i had an interview on friday, and i think it went really well, but they’re not sure right now how much help they need. cross your fingers for me that it works out, then maybe eventually i will tell you what it is… maybe… i’m a bit nervous about revealing where i work, as i DO have a couple of stalkers. okay, fine, most of them live at least 20 hours away, but still….

anyway, this list is called “things that are ruining my life right now” and they are as follows:

1) Vanillahoneybee_2haagen dazs vanilla honeybee ice cream: see, i’m not supposed to be eating sugar, or honey, and this ice cream contains both sweeteners. OMG it’s so fucking delicious! i’m kind of obsessed with honey right now, and i like that this ice cream gives me an way to avoid my terrible secret, that i like vanilla better than chocolate. i’m pretty sure they can take away my womanhood for that one, but it’s the truth, god help me, the truth! it’s limited edition, for now, so get some while you can!

Friday_22) the television show “friday night lights”: joe got me hooked on watching this on the internet at and now i am completely addicted. i stayed up until 9:30 a.m. last week watching season one and what do you think i’m doing up right now? THAT’S RIGHT, season two. this show is actually unbelievably well-written and entertaining, even if you are not a fan of football, male bonding, or coming-of-age stories (p.s. if you don’t like coming-of-age stories, you have no soul!). one of the things i like most about the show is that it manages to use modern pop culture references without seeming cheesy or forced. like when julie walks up to her young, hot english teacher and says “here’s your jose gonzales cd back, like i promised” it doesn’t induce an eyeroll. as is the case with many well-written, quality, critically-acclaimed shows, “friday night lights” has struggled with ratings. according to joe it is coming back for another season, much to the delight of die-hard fans. i’ve got to say, i’m pretty excited about it.

3) Kyliexthe new kylie minogue album X: finally released in the US last week!!! of course, then i found a brand new “used” copy of the dutch special edition import. I CAN’T LISTEN TO ANYTHING ELSE! it is absolutely amazing! kylie’s album fever is what i consider absolute pop perfection, and i think X comes pretty damn close to that. my favorite tracks are 2Hearts, Like A Drug, In My Arms, Speakerphone, Sensitized, and Wow, which is my absolute fav and the official song of dinah shore weekend, even though we only heard it once. in the car as we were pulling up to the hotel. whatever, it’s so good! i definitely think it should have been the first single release in the US, or at least Speakerphone. instead they chose All I See, which is kinda r&b and very danceable, but not nearly as hot as some of the other tracks on the album. i think they don’t think america is ready for pure electro-pop but i don’t think that’s true. i could easily hear almost this whole album being played on the radio. it’s not selling like hotcakes here, so american readers, PLEASE check it out and buy a copy. i want kylie to come play a gig in the states! i would DIE to see her live!

well, guys, i guess that’s all for now. i mean, a lot of different things are ruining my life, but most of them aren’t fun like these three. i has a great weekend, but i’m exhausted and don’t know what i’m going to do with my life, blah blah blah. you know the song.

welcome foreigners, and not so much

Knk_largeso my friend amy was in australia like, FOREVER and she finally came back right in time for my birthday. she brought with her gifts of comedy and inspiration, including season 3 of the hit comedy show from australia “kath and kim,” which i had been meaning to check out since i heard there was going to be an american remake of the series on nbc starring molly shannon and selma blair. the show is basically about the misadventures of a tacky mother and daughter team named kath and kim. after watching it i have two things to say: 1) HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! oh my god, this is pure hilarity. it takes about fifteen minutes into the first episode to understand what the hell they are saying and adjust fully to the aussie humor and then you are in for a fabulous treat. i have to watch it on my laptop because it’s region 4 (annoying) but if you have the chance and you haven’t seen it you need to get your hands on this. 2) selma blair as the daughter kim??? no, this will never do. i like selma a lot actually, but it just seems all wrong. i can just picture how she is going to attempt to play tawdry and unseemly, and i just can’t see how it’s going to work. i mean, it would be great if it does though. everyone on the internet who knows the show, particularly the australians, are wailing about it. i tend to agree that american humor doesn’t always have that special zing, but after you have read “OH MY GOD NOOO THE AMERICANS ARE GOING TO RUIN IT LIKE THEY RUINED THE OFFICE!!!!!!” a million times it does start to hurt one’s feelings, patriotic or not. anyway, i like the american version of “the office.” it’s funny. still, i don’t know how i will feel about “kath and kim” without the aussie accents and kylie references.

Yakult_460kbin other foreign affairs news, i have finally got my hands on a pack of yakult, a probiotic drink sold in asia, europe, and mexico that has recently started advertising on us television. as soon as i saw the commercial i was intrigued, and then i read a bunch of reviews online and it sounded great. it is supposed to help balance your digestive system and support immune functioning. i decided to buy it when i saw it at the ralph’s in silverlake, even though i am trying to avoid unnecessary sugars and this is basically a shot of sugar, dairy, and good bacteria. i read that it tasted really good, but i found it only alright, so if i don’t notice an improvement in my health i don’t know if i’ll buy it more than a couple of times. i am obsessed with these tiny yogurt type drinks because i had one when i was in europe more than ten years ago and i still haven’t forgotten it. it was weird but tasted really yummy, and i can’t remember the damn name… oh well.

all this talk is just making me want to travel. i have never been to australia, anywhere in asia, or even mexico! unless you count that time my friends and i drove down to san felipe, but that’s baja, so i don’t know if it does. we did get pulled over by the terrifying federales (police) and get hideously stomach sick when we got home, but i refuse to believe that is the gist of the mexican experience! after all, i am half mexican! today, beirut’s “postcards from italy” came on my ipod in the car and i was imagining joe and i driving around on a cobblestone road in some hot, seaside town with the windows down. i would be in heaven! in actuality, we were driving the cats home from the vet, the new kitten having crapped in it’s carrier, with the windows down to air out the car. still, it was a kind of heaven. i love running errands with joe, and today was a beautiful l.a. day with perfect weather.

Ringwormoh yeah, joe’s sister got a new kitten and she is absolutely gorgeous! the only problem is the little kitty came with a little gift known as ringworm, which is not as bad as it sounds, but still unpleasant. it’s not a worm at all, but a skin fungus that causes an actual red ring to form on infected areas of the skin. luckily joe’s sister only had one mark, but i recognized it right away from the epidemic my ex roommate caused when she refused to admit her newly adopted persian cat (which was in actuality a mangy bag of bones and teeth) caused her, our other roommate, and every single person who came over except for me to get ringworm. this even though everyone said it HAD to be the cat because they are the most common carriers! eight months after the epidemic began, she finally took the cat to the vet to get the shampoo and it ended. to this day it is a real mystery how literally everyone who even set foot in our house got it except for me. at first we all had a theory that mexicans must be immune, but then slowly all of my other mexican friends got it too and i was still the only one to not. if it doesn’t appear on me this time, i will be convinced of my super-immunity, because i have been loving up that new little fuzzball like crazy! it makes me itchy just thinking about it, but we got the anti-fungal shampoo for both the cats and the human cure is as simple as athlete’s foot cream, so i’m not going to panic. it’s very common, but i can imagine it does feel strange to have something foreign living on your skin, even if it’s just a fungus and not a worm.

i guess that’s about all. i am obviously able to think of little else other than wednesday and the project runway finale! victoria beckham is one of the guest judges, so as you know i will be entranced for the hour. i’m actually really nervous that my man christian might not win, because rami’s collection could turn out really great and jillian has always been consistently good. i can’t stand her, though, she puts me to sleep. she reminds me of one of those overly-confident nerds with no friends i always hated in school. i myself was your good old-fashioned humble, self-deprecating nerd. and look at me now! oh, wait….

old-fashioned, modern, gay romance. and surf ‘n’ turf.

alright alright, some of you are not going to be very happy with this post, but bear with me, and i promise you very soon i will post something either about getting reamed with a huge silicone cock or crying hot, bitter tears into my vodka soda, whatever floats your boat. i am also working (really hard) on my condom story, so stay tuned.

Escadaon to business: my valentine’s day gifts! joe and i did i wonderful job of gifting. i know that presents are not the most important thing in the world (HAHA), but when someone gives you a gift that is just so absolutely you, or remembers something you said you liked, it just makes you feel very loved. well, when joe took me to my first gift, i felt more than love. i also felt sheer panic. you see, he took me to sephora, set me loose in the store, and told me to pick out whatever i wanted, within reason. i swear, i almost passed out just then! i wandered aimlessly around the store, then finally had to beg him for help because we were on a time constraint due to our dinner date, and everyone knows i have never actually been inside a sephora for less an hour and a half unless i am making a return. luckily, joe was paying attention and knew exactly what to tell me to buy. i got the new escada seasonal fragrance, “moon sparkle”, which is insanely fruityliscious and a must of you’re into that sort of thing. it’s very close to the one from a few years ago called “ibiza hippie” (bad name, awesome scent. if you ever see an old bottle of this, buy it for me!). the fragrances that come out each year all have similar notes, but some of them, like the last one, “pacific paradise”, have this powdery dry-down that i am not fond of. “moon sparkle” is pure, sparkling berries, but also has musk and sandalwood notes, making it a little richer and more womanly than past escada scents, which also makes it perfect for all seasons! in keeping with the dark and sexy theme, i also got a NARS lipgloss in the shade “revolt.” Narsrevolt_2Narsswatchit looks kind of scary-chola purple in the tube (although i love that look), but because the gloss inside is completely sheer, it really just glazes the lips in a deep grape. i like it a lot, but i love all of NARS’ sheer glosses because they are extra sticky-shiny and for that reason have staying power. plus, i have to love a company that still makes true, bold colors and doesn’t put frost and glitter in every single thing. i’m looking at you, MAC. shape up! i haven’t seen it in person, but based on my online peeking and other’s reviews, the fafi for MAC line looks very blah.

after that, joe took me out to dinner at a secret location. i had no idea where we were going to go until we pulled up. somehow he remembered that i once said, as we drove by, that i had always wanted to eat at clancy’s crab boiler! it was the perfect date. i drank a chi chi (pina colada made with vodka instead of rum. delicious, but embarrassing to order if you grew up mexican and to you chichis are BOOBS!) and ate shrimp and filet mignon. really, it was so perfect and fab. joe and i are perfect for one another because we both like things that are kind of crappy, but also great. we both have good taste, but like things that are kind of divey and hilarious. i hearted him extra after that, but the gifts didn’t end! when we got back to the house i got a wonderful card he made in printing class and the pièce de résistance: this pin! Dogpin_10 i saw it a while ago and fell in love with it even though i am not much of a dog person, let alone scottie dogs, but it is SO HILARIOUS. it is a double pin, with one part being one huge gold scottie dog and the other two smaller gold scottie dogs, CONNECTED WITH CHAINS DANGLING TWO MORE TINY SCOTTIE DOGS. so fucking fierce! i can’t believe he went back and bought it for me. so sweet!

in case you are wondering what i got him, i will tell you. it might sound kind of or not at all strange, but joe is really into skulls right now, so i went to necromance on melrose, which is actually a really rad store, and bought him a coyote skull. he was totally pleasantly surprised because i was sort of anti about the animal skull thing for a while, but the lady in necromance was really cool and she assured me that the animals weren’t killed just for their bones and she also said that the coyote was the best seller (wtf?) so i did some research on him and he seemed like a pretty cool spirit animal. joe loved it and said i was the best girlfriend ever, so all in all, it was a success!

i guess that’s all i have to say about that. i really need to make a “romance/barf” tag for these types of entries, but i have about 12 tags and i am way too lazy to make new ones. in fact, i have also been thinking about making a a “gay” tag, but since i am a flaming queen, pretty much all of my posts are gay.

and speaking of the gays, i am sooo excited to watch tonight’s episode of “project runway.” it’s the recap episode, which would normally annoy me, but there was so little drama this season, and i can’t get enough pure tim gunn. sweet raging crap, i need a guy like him in my life! what ever happened to the genteel gay man? i’m all about the perverts, the bears, and the twinks (you know this), but i long to meet an older, refined gentleman who will drink tea and go shopping with me.

as for someone to party with, i would love to hang out with christian siriano. i am basically the female version of him without the self-confidence, and i do love him so. he is so amazing, i really hope he wins the show! here is a strangely long, obsessive fan video with some of his fiercest moments. it’s worth the length though for some of those golden moments of his this season. my personal fav is “i am not feeling fierce right now.” hahahaha. television gold.

here comes that feeling again

i am adverse to beauty. or rather, several of its key components, including vulnerability. i refuse to feel soft. i have often thought of how funny it is that god (or whomever) decided to make me so enigmatic, and yet so un-mysterious and profuse, an enigma in itself. i have all this love to give, and i love so easily, but i will never, ever be able to experience the transfusion of love that happens between two people, because there is no way the needle is going in. even if they find my vein, it would likely be made of steel, or surely collapse just then, paper-thin. should the other person’s ichor somehow seep into my stream, it would undoubtedly be intoxicating for a moment, at least for the moment before my body ultimately rejects it. i am set in my ways, and anything variant from my own kind of love, no matter how true, could sicken me, curdle in my vessels, and weaken my heart. is any high worth that? i am left to wonder.

give me a break, it’s a holiday and i’m depressed. you may be happy to know that all is well in the Failure sector of this little ship. i am ruining as planned, no delays or stops. my valentine’s day with joe was lovely and perfect, and still i am miserable and wishing to remove my skin piece by piece. it is a sickness, clearly untreated, but i feel like it’s my responsibility to feel this way. i had almost forgotten this, which is kind of embarrassing, when i really think about it.

in way more hilarious news, i went to this lesbo night last night at the falcon in west hollywood. on sunday nights this “hotspot” screens the L word for l.a.’s dyke elite (LOL) and celesbians. recently it has been a frequent haunt of paris hilton puzzlingly, or rather tellingly, enough. in case you don’t know, i spend 99.9% of my time on the east side of l.a. and my stomach pretty much fills with bats when i have to travel west of la brea. i really wanted to take pictures for you guys, but i only got a few of me and my friends looking petrified, and what i really wanted to show you is how fucking ridiculous all of the girls there are. holy crap. it’s like what a nazi propaganda cartoon of los angeles lesbians would look like, complete with femmes in dresses, heels, and lez-cred fedoras and butches in… wait, were there any butches? if butches spend $60 on pomade for their short, spiky hair and wear sparkly lipgloss, then yes, yes there were. i’m all for the idea that we queers don’t need to fit into labels or roles if we don’t want to (or can if we do), but i think the women out at this club are less the poster children for “being who you are” and more those of “being who’s who,” at least in their minds.! ew.

of course, the typical celezzies were out. kate moennig (shane), rose rollins (tasha), malaya drew (adele, jenny’s assistant), and clementine ford (molly, phyllis’ daughter and cybill shepherd’s real life daughter) were all spotted at a corner table. i will say, btw, that tasha and adele are really hot in person, and i did not see shane with my own eyes, but i have seen her 500,000,000 times in l.a. so whatevs (still…). i was secretly hoping to see paris (even though i am not a fan, i just thought that would be extra-hilarious), but Mackenzierosman2004teenchoiceawardsshe wasn’t there. i was pretty bummed, then something remarkable happened. i was waiting in line for the bathroom when i looked behind me, saw this little girl and thought “who brought their kid here?” then i started to recognize her. could it be? YES! it was mackenzie rosman, better known as RUTHIE FROM 7TH HEAVEN!!!!

wtf? i’m not outing her or saying she’s a lez, by the way, because unfortunately (or fortunately, if you believe this is going to lead to diversity as opposed to appropriation) straights are coming in droves to gay bars, at least here in l.a. anyways, it was amazing. she looks so fucking young and exactly the same as she did when she was, like, nine. i don’t think she’s even 21, but upon further inspection, she did look a little older than a child and she was with some older-looking friends. this may have been one of the best celeb sightings ever. seriously, way better than if it had been jessica biel. we heard about two lesbian fights breaking out and saw the cops outside taking pics of a seemingly perfectly normal girl with a huge shiner and a bloody scratch above her nose. dyke drama = serious biz.

not too long after that we had our fill of $12 drinks and giant outdoor fireplaces. we headed homeward to echo park’s fav dive bar, the little joy, where one of the bartenders (who i’m sorry to say i know personally) ran up to me and one of my other friends and screamed in our faces for coming in with another friend of ours who she used to date. it was both disheartening and comforting to know that no matter where you are in town, east side or west, gay bar or straight, there are totally psychotic people waiting to possibly attack you.

wait, did i say comforting?

Gay Sex and the Failure Forest

as you all probably know, there are few things i enjoy more than ranting about things i have limited information about. it makes the rant far more belligerent and ill-advised, two concepts upon which i believe humor might just be based.

anyway, today my subject of choice is the new series set to air on NBC called “lipstick jungle” (preview video behind the cut at the end of the post). it is based on a book by the author of “sex and the city,” which, as we all know, is tv legend, in a way. to understand where i am going with this, you must first understand my feelings on “sex and the city.”

SATC, in my opinion, was an extraordinarily offensive television show. it is, however, tolerable to me for only 3 reasons.

1) it is a classic. much like a time-honored racist, sexist story we still read/show to our children (disney’s peter pan, for example), it will continue to be adored and accepted by many even after the advancement of women makes shows of its variety a small blip in our feminist history (am i being wishful?)

2) despite the deplorability of some of the characters (more later) the choice of actors and their performances were phenomenal.

3) for the love of bloody hell, i cannot tear my eyes away when it’s on!!!!

a) the clothes! the shoes! good or bad, the parade of fine fashions is addicting.
b) the breasts. the naked breasts.
c) for a show about straight ladies, it could not have been any GAYER.
d) the poorly-written dialogue they give the carrie character is super funny, between cringes.
e) sometimes… it just speaks to me.

look, i love that show as much as the next girl, i’ll admit it. the problem is, that love came only after i could get over the fact that, at least the carrie character, is totally demeaning and insulting to intelligent women everywhere and that the show’s stylists were simply never going to stop putting her in belly shirts, no matter what the mandates of fashion prescribe.

Satcas we all sit in anticipation of the “sex and the city” movie, we are offered “lipstick jungle” to chew on for the time being. here is my problem: i can already tell this is going to suck. first of all, it’s on network television, which means NO BOOBIES. lame. secondly, at least from the ads, there does not appear to really be a “quirky” carrie-like character. for all her bad dialogue and penchant for falling in love with her abusers, carrie was the heart and soul of that show. if not for her neurotic asides, then for her kooky hats and bags. by god, without her it would have just been a soap opera about a pointy-nosed prude/ho with daddy issues, an inexplicably misanthropic closeted lesbian with bad hair, and an older broad with a bangin’ body who would do it with just about anyone… wait, that show still sounds good! that’s my point, i guess. the characters were probably well-written in the first place (i dunno, i never read the book. this is the part where i don’t know what i’m talking about), but also, you can really tell how much the actors brought to the table. the casting choices for carrie, charlotte, miranda, and samantha were fucking awesome. i honestly feel like so much has changed in the industry (for the worse) since that show began, that, if it were to be casted today, there might be much less-interesting types of women in those roles, and that would be sad.

i am sick and tired of watching shows on tv about women where the women look exactly the same. it is boring. the other night i was watching “law and order: svu” aka my reason for owning a tv, and there were not one but TWO female actors in the episode with very obvious, hideous plastic surgery (not as part of the plot). wtf? are kids now going to grow up thinking that’s simply what women all look like? essentially, white ladies who look like they have been repeatedly dried-out and then re-hydrated like a soaked raisin? this is terrifying. i know tv is all about entertainment, but i don’t think it’s too much to ask to see some real people on there. not even reality shows have real people on them except for “the biggest loser” and those people are dying to change. not that there is anything wrong with being thin and white, but good heavens, give us options! and no more frightfaced, botoxed bitches!

Lipstickjungle_4oh, and by “options” i don’t mean the one that looks kinda asian-y on “lipstick jungle.” back to my point, i am dreading this show. it looks like such a boring mess with boring clothes and formulaic story lines about giving good blow jobs. obviously the simple solution is not to watch, but a combination of morbid curiosity and a real passion for self-inflicted punishment will certainly lead me to check it out. i read an article in one of the gossip magazines about how this is only one of THREE new shows coming out soon with a similar theme: wealthy “power” women shopping at saks and looking for love in the big city. i don’t know how much more of this i can handle. when are they going to make a show about women like me? middle-class fuck-ups who hunt thrift racks by day, haunt gay bars by night, and give great blow jobs to dildos.

WHEN? you know you’d watch.

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