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this might be my second post titled that. LOL.

anyway, as if we needed another reason why australia is so much more awesome than the usa, check out this commercial michael k. posted on Dlisted yesterday:

banned in the usa, of course! this is the kind of marketing genius we need. it’s a BIG FRIENDLY BEAVER. hillllarious!

anyway, speaking of beavers…

well, wait, i know most of you are waiting with bated breath (haha) for me to speak out on the recent injustice of Proposition 8 passing in my state of CA, but truthfully so many of my great blogging colleagues have spoken up so eloquently on the subject, i just don’t feel it necessary just now. i’m sure it will come up again because this is shaping up to be THE topic and THE civil rights issue of our time, but my sadness and anger has, through all the marching i have done (and will continue to do starting this saturday), turned into hope, real hope and pride in my community. it just doesn’t seem to warrant a rant at this time.

BUT, i will take you on a small mini-rant regarding another injustice.

moist wipes.

first of all, let me be clear, i am part of the faction of society that hates the word “moist.” god almighty, do i hate it! i also never thought i would buy moist wipes. i have friends who always have a pack of moist wipes or baby wipes by their toilets and i would just think to myself, “really? triple-ply paper is not enough, huh? gotta have a wet bum, huh? i don’t get it.” add that to the fact that one of my main pet peeves, as you may know, is to be damp in any way unless i am showering or swimming, and there you have it.

well, as we are all aware, life tends to take one on different journeys and minds and hearts can always be changed. as it turns out, wipes are great to have around for pre- and post-sex freshening. at my work (oh yeah, i work at a sex shop now. more on that later. maybe.) we have things called like SexxNaps or CumCleen, but truthfully unless they are anti-bacterial and being used to clean toys and such, plain baby wipes or moist wipes do the job and are way cheaper. so, yeah, even though usually i like things with sex-related names or that smell like mango or have a specific purpose and snappy packaging (i am an ad executive’s dream), i have been feeling pretty thrifty lately, so i decided to head out to the local target for this wipe expedition.

i don’t usually buy generic brand products. i know it’s RIDIC and wrong, but i am a 27 year-old woman that has grown to know and love her Opti-Free brand contact lens solution and i know the CVS brand says “compare to Opti-Free” on the side and costs half the price, but i do not care! well, for some reason, i tend to make many exceptions to this when it comes to target brand. i don’t know if it’s because it is a name i trust or if it’s the clean, appealing packaging, or even the quirky commercials, but i feel okay with target brand.

as further evidence that i am rapidly turning into a memaw, my new favorite thing is reading ingredients and comparing prices on EVERYTHING, even wet wipes. as i did this, i discovered that the target brand actually seemed to have the fewest confusing ingredients (hydrogenated oils are in some of the other brands. i know they won’t clog my arteries from there, but still, do i want to rub them on my precious gem? not really) and were (duh) the cheapest. i decided to then check out some of the ones that are made specifically for women. this makes no sense, as the products are essentially the same, but i tend to be drawn to products for women. my old roommate ashlee made so much fun of me the time i got athlete’s foot from standing in the salon all day and bought anti-fungal foot creme for women. what? it was purple and had extra moisturizers! and she still stole it and used it all when she needed it. anyway, in doing this comparison between the wet wipes, i discovered that the target brand wipes for women have the same ingredients, fewer wipes, yet are more expensive than the general ones! and the packaging is far-less user-friendly! very upsetting indeed.

i mean, we all know these “for women” products are a ploy, even i know that, but i guess i expected better from the normally fine value that is target generics. i almost purchased cottonelle, always, or even loves baby wipes in protest, but in the end the low low price, simple ingredients, and e-z pop box of the target brand wet wipes won me over. maybe i will say “screw the man” and refill the box with unscented baby wipes when i’m done with them.

they say it’s the small victories.


my weekend was kind of like a delicious “skins” sandwich. friday i crawled around online like and obsessed 17 year-old fangirl looking up info and new stuff on the show. then, on sunday, i watched it as it made its us television premier. as you may know, i have already watched series one and two, which have already aired in the uk, but now that the powers that be (british people?) have brought “skins” to american shores officially via BBC America (which ps has the best programming! this evening i also watched a show called “my big breasts and me” and it was really fascinating), i am newly obsessed with the amazingness that is “skins.”

here’s why:

2754391857_7328fb3324_m1) the kids: living in a world, country, city, obsessed with youth culture is hard. i, for one, am completely tired of boring tv programming shoving wealthy, blonde, beach-going teens down my throat and informing me that this is the lifestyle i surely missed out on in my youth. i mean, i am all for re-capturing the good (awful) times, but i can never relate to any of these characters. i don’t think i have related to a teen character since jessie spano on saved by the bell, and that was mostly because we are both feminists. well, “skins” is written in a way that somehow makes the characters entirely relatable, accessible, and even true-to-life, while still creating a fantasy world that, at least speaking as an adult, feels sensationalized, voyeuristic, shocking… all of the above. it feels like all the things i was and wasn’t is represented somehow in each character. also, because they have british accents, they sound significantly less young and dumb, which is refreshing. 

2) the slang: what kind of wannabe fancy american would i be if i didn’t love english slang words? the title of the show does not solely refer, in fact, to all the skin that is shown (and it definitely has it’s moments!), nor the often painful shedding of one’s youthful skin while squirming towards adulthood, but the word “skin” is also a slang term for the paper used to roll a joint. my personal fav, which i tried in my mind unsuccessfully to justify using aloud, is “safe” as a replacement for “cool.” some of the words (such as “safe”) even have multiple meanings. luckily there is a glossary guide on the show’s page at the BBC America website. even more fortunate is the fact that the good people at BBCA have elected to add subtitles to certain parts of the show. it is absolutely necessary, at least in the first few episodes while you are getting used to the accents. this matter of convenience almost makes up for the censorship, though thus far i only noticed them editing out the word “fuck” and some nudity, not too bad.

2755224830_de3038f06f-13) cassie: i’ll admit, i do tend to have a weakness for the dippy blonde in a bunch, but the character cassie on “skins” is so much more than that. the part is well-written and acted so brilliantly by hannah murray. she is certainly one of the more outwardly fucked-up of the group, as she suffers from anorexia and other severe self-image issues, but she is anything but heavy. any cassie screen time for me has been like magic faerie time and, as cheesy as that sounds, because of the writing and acting, it doesn’t feel the least bit contrived. the second episode of series one, which first aired last night (they showed two episodes to kick off the show) is the first in-depth introduction to cassie. it will air again on sunday august 24th at 9 p.m., with another new episode right after at 10.

4) the music: one of the first things i noticed while watching “skins” the first time was how they effectively used music from the past and current popular and indie music as well. it gave the show a more artistic feel, kind of like a movie, as opposed to the distinct feeling of product placement i get from the soundtracks on most shows these days, although truthfully, you will want to hunt down any manifestation of a soundtrack to this show. it’s that good. i believe there is an iMix on itunes, but check out some of the fansites for more comprehensive songlistings. the remix to the gossip song “standing in the way of control” can be heard on the show as well as in certain promotional items i have seen, which is awesome to see. go brits for making the gossip the huge stars over there that they should have been here long ago!

5)2755223780_efd7dc5450 diversity: it’s a bit more difficult for me to assess the success of an english show in being truly diverse. much like most american shows with an ensemble cast, “skins” consists of primarily straight, white kids. there is a certain sense of token-ism, then, when you throw the gay kid, the muslim kid, and the black kid into the mix. the show avoids the pitfall of being overly-patronizing though, again, because of the quality of the writing. it’s definitely interesting, as an american, to watch a show in which one is learning about another culture (english) while also learning about other cultures within that culture, such as the experience of being an english muslim as opposed to a muslim-american. the show certainly centers around the friendship between the members of the group and isn’t exactly a huge political or cultural statement, but i obviously think it is important for different groups of people to be represented in popular media, and a show like this brings that to the table. one of the things i liked was the fact that the gay storyline does not center on the gay character maxxie’s coming out or something oft-depicted like that. there are definitely gay issues and issues of adversity that are tackled, but it is more about maxxie’s life and experience in that particular time, with his particular friends that takes center stage, and his being gay is simply a part of who he is. i like that because i can relate to it, as that was my experience as an out teenager.

i really hope you all will tune in to “skins” on BBC America. you can visit the official website for fun content, pictures, videos, and the schedule.

here is a version of the trailer that calls the show “a better gossip girl.” i couldn’t agree more. that’s why i’m posting about it. i hope that people will watch it to show that americans are interested in watching shows from other parts of the world. a well-written, well-acted show should be able to translate from culture to culture, and i think that “skins” definitely does.

okay, okay, i just officially pulled an all-nighter. i am going on vacation today with my family and joe and will be offline (GASP!) until wednesday. i can’t imagine that i will be posting anything before thursday night, but if i do, you will for sure be the first to know… since this is my blog… and you read it religiously… yeah.

show me love

let me start by saying i feel a bit overwhelmed because i haven’t written for so long. you must understand that i write to you all day in my head. every time the breeze blows a grain of sand into my eye, every time i go into a bathroom that is out of hand soap, and every time i accidentally think of miley cyrus in a sexual way (so wrong), i think “that’s going in the blog!”

so, as you can imagine, a week-long hiatus, particularly during a week in which i went out nearly every night, the supreme court of california overturned the ban on gay marriage, and i saw one of the best live shows i’ve ever seen, i have a lot to say. oh yeah, and i was kidding about miley, although i do love blasting “see you again” from my car, and it gets some weird looks from other adults. whatever, that song rules.

Img_5705_3okay, for starters, there is a new queer night in los angeles called Wildness, which takes place at a dive bar in korea town called the silver platter on tuesday nights. the only bad things i can say about this night is that the bar is beer and wine only and that it gets a little crowded. seriously, it’s totally “off the hook” as they used to say like, four years ago. what do they say now? can anyone help me be cool? email me at if you can. anyhoo, the night is basic in that it consists of djs, a dance floor, beer, crappy bathroom situations, etc. what makes it unique is the crowd, which is so diverse i don’t even know where to start. the best way to describe it i guess would be “art fag” though that doesn’t really say anything does it? let me just say that the patrons of this particular club cross all gender, orientation, ethnic, and age lines, but what they have in common, from the locals to the lookie-loos, is the desire to dance up a storm, check out awesome performances (last week was sister mantos), dress to impress (in so many ways), and just be… free i guess. i know it sounds sorta hippie-ish, but i’m into it. i’ve been kind of bah-humbug lately, but i would go to this every week if i had it in me. last week there was a limo parked out front where you could lounge with your friends and buy $2 tequila shots. at one point, this guy burst into the limo shouting “who has the poppers?!?!?” no, he was not joking. he never did find those poppers, but it made me feel good knowing he had them at some point. disco isn’t dead, my friends.

Img_5740wednesday night i went to a benefit show for my friend vanessa, whose bicycle-cum-art piece was stolen from the very place the benefit was held (echo curio). the cartographers played, there was much dancing and merriment, then we all headed to the eagle for some more fun. it was a really fun night, but again, i am having mood issues. i know it’s partly pms but i feel something else at work. i just don’t feel motivated to go out anymore, and it’s not just cause i’m in a relationship. i just feel kind of “blah” and it makes me sad because i love my friends and i love being out and about.

i don’t know what’s up with that. i mean, i have a few ideas, but it’s going to take a lot of effort to get to where i want to be… that being in my favorite dress and back in heels. here’s the deal: i barely dance anymore. i feel impeded by two things, the first being that i’m just not comfortable with my body at all right now. this is not to say that i think there is anything wrong with how i, or any other people of size (lol, i mean fat people), look on the dance floor, as everyone knows that dancing well is more about confidence, rhythm, and making a hilarious/sexy dance face than how a person’s body looks. i have seen some hot, skinny bitches massacre a dance floor before, much to my horror. seriously, i get chills up my spine just thinking of one girl in particular. eesh! still, my body just doesn’t feel good to me right now. it is difficult to focus on perfecting one’s booty shake when you can feel your belly fat a-jigglin’ too, i’m not going to lie. the second reason i am having trouble with the dance is that i dance much better in heels, but i never wear heels anymore. i wasn’t able to wear them when i was younger, but about three years ago, when i started to lose weight, i was suddenly comfortable in them and wore them out nearly every night all last summer.31326a it’s so much easier and fun to dance in heels, especially if you are going to be pulling any fancy booty-dropping moves. well, now that i have gained all this weight, i seriously can’t wear them for more than 15 minutes without wanting to stab my feet to death for betraying me. i will always and forever admire those fat ladies and drag queens who can wear heels all day into the the night.

in other news, i missed long beach gay pride this weekend, which i am pretty bummed about, BUT the awesome thing was the reason i missed saturday night was that i won 2 tickets (through don’t judge me!) to see robyn! i have never won a thing in my life and i won these days before i had big plans. oh well, i decided i had to go to the show because a) i WON!, and b) i love robyn’s new(ish. been out in europe forevs) album and heard her show was really brilliant. it WAS! i was so impressed by how great she sounded live and how great her band sounded as well. she has two drummers, which i have never seen before and is awesome, and a guy on keys/computer, plus sometimes one of them plays guitar. she is SO cute and adorable and i love how she is straight but has lesbian hair. the audience was 90% gay men, so of course i felt at home and at ease. i took joe as my date and he really enjoyed the show too, even though he’s not a robyn fan, that’s how good it was. you guys OBVIOUSLY remember robyn’s hit “show me love” from the 90s, if only from the movie, right? i happen to think that song is great, but her new stuff is very different since she has her own label now, and just REALLY good. here i am enjoying the souvenir robyn Img_5777_2canvas tote that joe bought me. you must MUST download “cobrastyle”, “be mine!” (original version, not ballad), “with every heartbeat”, “handle me”, and “who’s that girl” (produced by the knife), all of which were even better live. plus, she did an encore of “show me love” reworked to be much slower and more her new style, but very awesome to hear that song live. i was not expecting that, though i’d hoped for it.

last summer i went to long beach, l.a., and sf pride. so far this year, like i said, i missed long beach, and i don’t know if i’m going to make it to sf. my one consolation is that l.a. pride is going to KICK ASS this year, thanks to the organizing of some very special peeps. last year east side pride, aka the silverlake dyke march, afterparty at the eagle, and super-party at mj higgins put on by packin’ heat were so amazing, i just knew it could only get better. this year it most definitely will with dyke day l.a., a day in the park preceding the dyke march that will feature djs, bands, comedy, arts, etc. i’m REALLY REALLY excited about this because i am hungering for a queer community, a truly queer community and not the gay bar culture of west hollywood, in los angeles. i know i need to challenge myself and my own shyness and insecurity (and laziness) to become more involved. i patted myself on the back briefly because joe and i volunteered a few months ago to gather signatures to counter the people who are gathering signatures to put another anti gay marriage initiative on the ballot. then i remembered that i really sucked at getting signatures while joseph, mr. “i’m not as social as you” was ACE. you should have seen him, it was so hot. i wanted to eff him right there on those library steps! anyway, i was butt-hurt and disappointed at how bad i was at it and complained a bunch and vowed never to do it again. still, there MUST be a way to apply my talents to some type of activism, right? haha, omg, i fear that perhaps being an activist entails some kind of hope and optimism that i simply do not possess.

Rainbow_cakeno, i know that’s not true. i feel alive with hope when i think of all the good things to come in the future, not just for “my people,” but for everyone. i did shed a few tears of joy when i read the supreme court verdict, and not just because, since finding the first true love i’ve ever had, i can see more than ever to possibility of walking down the aisle myself, but because of all of the committed partners that came before us and paved the way for this. this is a huge step in history, for the gay couples who never got the chance to marry, for the gay couples that will marry now after waiting so long, the gay couples that will marry in the future, and for the gay couples that will say “fuck that, i never want to get married!” because they have that choice to make. that’s what the freedom to marry is about, you know, freedom. definitely one giant leap for love.

classic robyn video, “show me love”. the nineties were so scary/wonderful!

the awesome video for “be mine” by robyn. such a sad, yet danceable song. my fav kind!

and to end on a happy note, robyn’s GENIUS performance of “cobrastyle” (a teddybears cover) on david letterman recently. and no, her band didn’t wear those bear heads at the show, heh.

even my makeup is queer

i am currently on a mission to try and not look like a sea hag every day. it’s not really that hard, i guess. the hardest part used to be doing my hair, but when i became a woman (three years ago), the ability to style my hair properly finally took hold and now, for the most part, my hair always looks presentable-to-nice-to-luscious.

one thing i have had trouble with over the last several years is being too damn lazy to do my makeup. i know this is shocking to those of you who know i own a mountain of cosmetics, the monetary value of which could probably send two or three orphans to college, but it’s true.

i must first note that i totally respect the decision some girls make not to wear makeup at all. most of my most beautiful friends don’t even know how to hold a mascara wand. but the fact remains, however shallow, that makeup makes ugly people look way less ugly, sometimes even pretty. i discovered when i was around 21 that when i go out, even grocery shopping or to the mall, that people are WAY nicer to me when i’m wearing a full face than when i am makeup free (aka foundation only… ha! like i’d EVER leave the house without foundation). the radical, status quo hating feminist in me understands fully that this is wrong and everyone should be treated equally despite how they look, because we all have something special shining inside, but my fug-hating eyes know exactly how they feel.

the point of this all is that recently my quest for simple beauty was made much easier. i have been using and enjoying MAC studio fix liquid in NC25 with MAC mineralize skinfinish in medium over it. i love the way this looks. the studio fix liquid is a dream foundation, with great coverage, blendability, the famously wonderful MAC color selection, and none of the pore-clogging effects i have found with studio fix powder (which it broke my heart when i had to stop using it. best powder foundation EVER other than that.) right before dinah, though, i decided i needed a makeup that would be a little more hassle-free, sun, and sweat-friendly, so i repurchased bare minerals at sephora. every time i stop using this stuff then buy it again, i am reminded of why i love it so much. the coverage is brilliant, it looks like real skin (some people call that “shiny” but i always get compliments on my “glow”), and it stays on really well, even through a night of dancing. i apply it with the MAC 182 buffer brush, which is a short-handled, ultra-fluffy kabuki brush. I LOVE THIS BRUSH! it’s so soft and luxurious, and at $45 it’s cheaper than many luxe brushes on the market. it applies the minerals perfectly, with plenty of coverage but not too cakey.

AmandalHeatherette_for_mac_2what i’m REALLY excited about from MAC, though, is the recent launch of their Heatherette for MAC line. for those not in the know, Heatherette is a design duo out of NYC. richie rich and traver rains create outrageous, fun, over-the-top designs that are inspired by glitter, club kids, and self-described freaks. the fabulous amanda lepore is one of their muses. one of their runway shows featured lepore and recently-retired porn superstar jenna jameson as models. i was looking forward to the MAC launch because i knew that the colors would be very girlie and hopefully involve a lot of pink. then, when the Fafi for MAC line came out and the colors were so blah, disappointing, and overly-glittery, i became worried. luckily, i had no need to fear! the Heatherette line is absolutely GORGEOUS! i seriously would have bough every single lipstick, lipgloss, and powder if i could. in the end, i bought the beauty powder in “alpha girl”, a warm, sheer pink with a slight sheen. it’s very pale, but as colors tend to oxidize and darken on me, it shows up nicely as a natural flush. the compact is so so pretty too (bright bubblegum pink with a Heatherette logo disco ball). i also got the lipstick in “melrose mood”, an opaque pepto-pink, and “lollipop loving”, which is a beautiful medium peach with a green/gold shimmer. “lollipop loving” is the more wearable of the two, but i really love oddly opaque light-colored lipsticks like “melrose mood”, especially with a summer tan.

the collection is mostly sold out on MAC’s website, but i had no trouble finding it in stores a few weeks ago. i would definitely recommend the beauty powder and “lollipop loving” lipstick. all i have to do is dash these on, along with some black eyeliner on my lower lids and a coat of mascara, and i look summer-ready. if i’m feeling sassy, i have been wearing a bit of eyeshadow again as well, which is a nice touch. if all goes well with my new non-haggard look, i will be earning less and less disdain everywhere i go!

p.s. PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD go here to watch the Heatherette for MAC video. there is no way to embed it here, but it is the gayest thing ever and makes me feel all warm inside. why was i born with a vagina? i was meant to run free with the fags!

p.s.s. this man, andre j, international model and covergirl, is my new favorite person. i’m SO OVER lesbians with mustaches. queens with full beards = so all about.


may your cocks hummeth over

i would like you all to know that i am resisting with every fiber of my being blogging about friday night lights again. wait, can i just say i must concur with emno – why can’t ALL guys be matt saracens? *sigh*

anyway, my life is BEYOND boring right now. i went to a fun party for sujey’s birthday on saturday, but thanks to the fact that my camera died at dinah, i have very little documentation of that fact. i have a warranty on the damn thing, but they wouldn’t just give me a new one, they had to send it in for repairs, which is so annoying because you know it’s just going to break again. ugh!

since i have a grand total of $60 to my very name, i obviously can’t afford to get a bikini wax right now, so tomorrow i have decided to dedicate the day to grooming myself. this is going to be somewhat unpleasant, but i am armed with the knowledge i attained from my last home bikini wax and two cold PBRs so everything might be okay. i also have to pluck my eyebrows which, in case you are wondering, now have two grey trespassers. it’s enough to make a grown woman cry right into her face cream. i mean, one who is a lot more shallow than i… uh, yeah.

what else? oh yeah, so we have tried the vibrating cock ring from babeland several times now. it’s amazing. i will say it’s a little distracting for me during dildo-wearer on top sex, because for the most part i am the kind of girl who likes things, such as clitoral and vaginal stimulation, one at a time. when i was little, my family used to call me “cafeteria girl” because i always insisted on having each of my foods on separate plates or separated very carefully on the plate, with no one thing touching another. i guess in some ways that has spilled over into my sex life. heartwarming? creepy? well, in any case it’s true.

Elexawhich leads us back to the cock ring. when my partner is on top, it’s by no means bad (how could you go wrong with a vibrator?), but it’s kind of like bzzt – bzzt – bzzt, and that’s a bit disconcerting when i’m trying to fully enjoy the rhythm of his thrusting. however, when i’m on top, it’s a whole other story! i’m SO all about this thing. riding it, i can control the rhythm and intensity of the vibration, and the feeling of coming inside and out at the same time is unreal. the silicone cock also conducts the vibration really well, pretty much turning him into a human vibrator with great hair and a cute smile, who makes me laugh. good times. my advice is get one and try it out. i have even heard great things about the elexa disposable vibrating ring (pictured here), which they carry at babeland as well as most major drug stores.

Icon5_4it’s kind of crazy how sexy drug stores are getting! my local CVS basically has a wall of lube, couples massage oils, and even novelty condoms, like the inspiral dolphin condom. the original inspiral is going to be part of my condom story, as it came in the babeland condom sampler. i pretty much know how it’s going to turn out because the spiral bit is supposed to enhance the wearer’s pleasure, which is fairly useless to my partner and i, as well as the fact that it has been my experience that the extra bagginess and texture might actually be hurty, but i will give it a try for the sake of research. i’m very dedicated and brave! the condom story is on hold for now because i am saving up to buy the vixen bandit, and i don’t want to change cocks half way through the experiment. lately, we have busted out the old vixen woody, just like the one pictured except in the vanilla color, not black.

Goodfella2_2Prod_woodyblkthe woody is very similar in size and shape to our goodfella, but it doesn’t have balls and is made of smooth, hard silicone as opposed to vixskin silicone, which is vixen’s trademark, skinlike material. i love vixskin, and they now make the mustang, which is a vixskin version of the woody. what i love about the woody over the goodfella, though, is the ridge beneath the head is slightly different. they both look VERY similar, but on the woody, despite the fact that the ridge is larger, it doesn’t feel as uncomfortable. i don’t know if the size compliments my anatomy better or if it has something to do with the material, but i am actually enjoying woody better than goodfella! also, because the hard silicone is so smooth, i haven’t found it necessary to use a condom on it. fyi silicone can be sanitized by boiling for 5-10 minutes, which is cleanly AND fun. we had a boiling party recently and it was actually wildly amusing to see all the cocks in pots on the stove. still, i can’t WAIT to try the bandit. i’m looking forward to the shape and the slight size upgrade, as well as the creative positions we can dream up, thanks to the length.

well, i guess that’s all. i’m on the last episode of season two of FNL and i don’t know what i’m going to do after this! can i just say, why do all the boys on the show, even the assy ones, have redeeming qualities, but the girls kind of suck? a lot? i hate lyla, julie is a bratbitch, and i did not like how tyra submarined that poor girl that liked landon. the only female on the show i really like is tami taylor, the mom. she’s so sassy and strong!

delicious ruin

i am well-aware that to most of you these “list” posts seem like a cop-out as opposed to the hard-hitting journalistic style you are used to from Amanda: Failure Princess (HAHAHAHA), but it’s monday, which, if you don’t know, is my sunday. fyi, tuesday is also my sunday and wednesday is my friday, as at this time, for the most part, i seem to be somewhat unemployed. it’s a real bummer on many accounts, the first of which is that my boss’ daughter is seriously ill. she is set to make a great recovery, but obviously this has been a blow to her family and friends. right now my boss is really busy with her daughter and such, as to be expected, but that means my duties are on a bit of a hiatus, which is very bad for little old me, who is without another part-time job to rely upon. the good news is, i have applied for a part-time gig that would pretty much be a dream job for me. i had an interview on friday, and i think it went really well, but they’re not sure right now how much help they need. cross your fingers for me that it works out, then maybe eventually i will tell you what it is… maybe… i’m a bit nervous about revealing where i work, as i DO have a couple of stalkers. okay, fine, most of them live at least 20 hours away, but still….

anyway, this list is called “things that are ruining my life right now” and they are as follows:

1) Vanillahoneybee_2haagen dazs vanilla honeybee ice cream: see, i’m not supposed to be eating sugar, or honey, and this ice cream contains both sweeteners. OMG it’s so fucking delicious! i’m kind of obsessed with honey right now, and i like that this ice cream gives me an way to avoid my terrible secret, that i like vanilla better than chocolate. i’m pretty sure they can take away my womanhood for that one, but it’s the truth, god help me, the truth! it’s limited edition, for now, so get some while you can!

Friday_22) the television show “friday night lights”: joe got me hooked on watching this on the internet at and now i am completely addicted. i stayed up until 9:30 a.m. last week watching season one and what do you think i’m doing up right now? THAT’S RIGHT, season two. this show is actually unbelievably well-written and entertaining, even if you are not a fan of football, male bonding, or coming-of-age stories (p.s. if you don’t like coming-of-age stories, you have no soul!). one of the things i like most about the show is that it manages to use modern pop culture references without seeming cheesy or forced. like when julie walks up to her young, hot english teacher and says “here’s your jose gonzales cd back, like i promised” it doesn’t induce an eyeroll. as is the case with many well-written, quality, critically-acclaimed shows, “friday night lights” has struggled with ratings. according to joe it is coming back for another season, much to the delight of die-hard fans. i’ve got to say, i’m pretty excited about it.

3) Kyliexthe new kylie minogue album X: finally released in the US last week!!! of course, then i found a brand new “used” copy of the dutch special edition import. I CAN’T LISTEN TO ANYTHING ELSE! it is absolutely amazing! kylie’s album fever is what i consider absolute pop perfection, and i think X comes pretty damn close to that. my favorite tracks are 2Hearts, Like A Drug, In My Arms, Speakerphone, Sensitized, and Wow, which is my absolute fav and the official song of dinah shore weekend, even though we only heard it once. in the car as we were pulling up to the hotel. whatever, it’s so good! i definitely think it should have been the first single release in the US, or at least Speakerphone. instead they chose All I See, which is kinda r&b and very danceable, but not nearly as hot as some of the other tracks on the album. i think they don’t think america is ready for pure electro-pop but i don’t think that’s true. i could easily hear almost this whole album being played on the radio. it’s not selling like hotcakes here, so american readers, PLEASE check it out and buy a copy. i want kylie to come play a gig in the states! i would DIE to see her live!

well, guys, i guess that’s all for now. i mean, a lot of different things are ruining my life, but most of them aren’t fun like these three. i has a great weekend, but i’m exhausted and don’t know what i’m going to do with my life, blah blah blah. you know the song.


so, although i have been mysteriously MIA (aka sick to my stomach, then lazy, then without internet), my blog stats continue to climb thanks to my posts on home bikini waxing, labia, and my ever-growing australian fan base. hey, aussies, when the hell are you guys going to pool together enough money for me to bring my act on the road over there? i am pretty much dying to go to australia, thanks to the dvd’s caron made me watch of kath and kim and summer heights high, so please get on buying me that plane ticket. preferably for next summer. then i won’t have to know what winter is like for a whole year!

jk. sorta.

i do love spring/summer though. i love warm weather! i don’t really know why since i hate sweating and have been too self-conscious to wear a tank top since i was seven years old. i guess i just like how everyone seems to be in a better mood (at first, at least), and you can drink cold beers (secretly) in the park, and the birds keep me company at night with their chirping.

anyway, later this evening i am going to one of my favorite places in los angeles, babeland!

my shopping list includes a new lube they have called babeland naturals: naked organic lube. my partner likes to stock up on his favorite lube, liquid silk, which i also like a lot, as it works well, has no smell, and is very… um, how shall i say… “lifelike”? it’s not sticky or tacky at all like some lubes i’ve used in the past where you fall asleep feeling filthy  (actually, i like falling asleep feeling filthy, but not because my crotch is sticky and smells like an appletini). the only problems i have with liquid silk are that, although it is mostly water-based, it does have a tiny bit of silicone (which i imagine is why it works so well), and silicone lube is not recommended for silicone toys because it can break them down. this is what happened with our very expensive vixen goodfella cock. it works fine, but it had a bad reaction and in some areas the skin looks a bit chafed, which is how we started using condoms and i discovered i actually like condoms anyhow. so, in the end it all worked out, but still i would like to try a more natural, water-based lube, just for funsies. the other thing about the liquid silk is that it tastes really bitter. like i said, i’m not necessarily into candy lubes, but the description of the new babeland lubes sounds like it tastes a little sweet and nice.

Cockringthe next item in my cart will be a vibrating cock ring. i have never tried one of these before, but we have improvised (i won’t bore/horrify you with the details), and this seems like an exciting and logical next step to bedroom bliss. i don’t know what all the options are, but i have my eye on the sonic ring kit. i’ll let you know what i end up getting and how it works out.

Banditfinally, i don’t know if this is going to happen because we are super-strapped for cash, but if we don’t get the vixen bandit soon, i’m going to FREAK OUT. i don’t know if you know this (first-time reader?), but i am kind of a brat and when i get my mind on having something, i kind of become obsessed and pouty. lately, i have been looking at the poor goodfella with scorn that it really doesn’t deserve, what with the endless days and nights of pleasure my partner has brought me with it, but i’m ready for something new. what i like about the goodfella: the vixskin feels amazing, the balls are fun/hot, its size, shape, and where it rests on the pelvis make it really great for hard packing, and it’s just generally a really nice dick. hence, it will never be fully retired despite the fact that: the ridge of the head is kind of hurty for me sometimes, i am ready for a bit more girth but with a smoother head, and the longer length of the bandit should be more conducive to… uh… creativity. i’m a little wary of the length thing, as i am not one of those ladies that likes having my cervix jostled about, but i think all in all it will be better in certain positions and such. plus it’s a beauty! fyi, it is also made of the amazing, easy to sanitize, super-realistic vixskin silicone.

well, i guess i’ll be off. gotta go get some more writing done and ogle sex toys i can’t afford. i will be posting regularly in the very near future, i promise.

the sweet smell of moderate success at things no one cares about but me

first things first, i am pretty sure you guys all understand this, but i want to remind you just in case you forgot: i write these generally between 2-6 a.m. because i am a crazed night owl, so when i say “today” it means yesterday to you, and “yesterday” means the day before, etc etc.

so, regarding “today,” i had one of those not leaving the house all day life sucks bummer bummer days again, but that’s mostly because i cannot seem to shake these cold-like symptoms and also i went to long beach last night to hang out with the lbc crew and i drank a little too much because… well… i was in long beach.

i’m having serious self-esteem issues right now on account of the feeling that i’m wearing a fat suit on the day to day, so it was probably not the best idea to then, as my only outing of the day today, go try on a bunch of hideous clothes, but my mom came home and insisted that i go to kohl’s with her, so i did. YES I SAID KOHL’S. my mom loves the new kohl’s they put in in our neighborhood something awful. man, does she love it! it was actually a kind of nice outing in which we bonded over choosing colorful new bathroom rugs and a shower curtain, but then she asked me to look for something to wear to the women’s luncheon we are going to this weekend. trying on clothes at kohl’s of all places is not what you wanna do when you are depressed and fat. it’s a wonder i didn’t kill myself then and there with the pointy end of a clothes hanger, but somehow i made it out with a very simple but cute black blouse for saturday. when i get fat i instantly go goth, it’s actually very sexy. hahahaha.

Missdiorspeaking of sexy, my friend baby d always smells really good and she refuses to tell anyone what it is she wears. i tried to explain that it’s not really my jam anyway and i just wanted to know out of curiosity, but her lips are sealed. i think this plan is actually quite genius, very sexy and mysterious-like. i would steal it, in fact, but i already told the world that my signature scent is christian dior miss dior cherie. this truth was threatened recently, however, when my mom found this extra bottle of it she bought last christmas when she bought one for me. one morning i woke up with a start, sniffing like a hound because i smelled it in the air as she was leaving for work. the following evening i politely (shrilly) explained to her that as my mother she is not allowed to jack my signature scent! first of all, the strawberry, raspberry sorbet, and caramel corn notes in the scent are far too unsophisticated for a woman of her age and stature, and secondly i have a very very strong sense of scent-memory, and i cannot feel like i smell like my mother when she’s headed to work in the morning as i do the things i do on a daily basis, which generally involve booze and sex. just kidding! mostly. i don’t drink every day. usually.

Yellowmati do, however, usually wear miss dior cherie every day because it is heavy and womanly enough for night, but also young and fruity enough for warm weather, day, and a girl my age. good stuff. some days i switch it up though, because even though i decided when i turned 25 i needed a signature scent, i am still a perfume whore. for xmas i got a bottle of yellow mat by masaki matsushima, which i have been dying to have for AGES. it basically looks and smells like sunshine in a bottle, with notes of citrus, watermelon, and then watery woods. the only problem i have with it is that it doesn’t seem to me that it lasts at all, but when i wear it i always get compliments, so i guess maybe it just wears off for the wearer. oh, also, it is this close to smelling like d&g light blue and moschino i love love, both of which i love in the bottle and on others, but smell like ass on me. yellow mat smells good on me, but it has similar dry down notes so i always get nervous for a second.

then there is the matter of the new scent joe got me for vday, escada moon sparkle. i feel like that one is good for layering because it adds that fruitiness that i like. people always wrinkle their nose at fruity of foody perfumes, but i found i get so many compliments when i wear them! weird. joe does really hate my comptoir sud pacifique vanille abricot though. he makes a hideous face every time i get in the car wearing it, opens the window, and says “babe, you smell like ice cream!” EWWW ICE CREAM?!?!?! whatever, joe, what do you know? i had to explain to himVersace_new_fragrance38397 that that fragrance is very popular, somewhat expensive, and from france! he did not care. the good news is i think i have discovered my new backup signature scent, should my mom, my grandma, or, say, joe himself ever decide that they too must smell like fruity lady popcorn. the new one from versace is super feminine and very floral, as you can imagine by the maker and the bottle, but it is also has a freshness to it and a slight sparkle that makes me want to check it out. i know it’s the last thing i need, but what do i need really? besides money, stability, and the sweet relief that my injured mind craves day-in and day-out?

oh crap.

Telescopiccleandefinitionwhatever, i also need a decent fucking mascara. i still have not found my holy grail of mascaras, but i have been buying and enjoying telescopic by l’oreal since i made this post, which is a big deal for me because normally i have no mascara attention span what-so-ever. recently i decided to stray, though not too far, to try l’oreal telescopic clean definition mascara. HUGE mistake. let me give you a tip that i have finally learned for myself: in the mascara world, “clean” means “invisible,” at least on me. i have decent eyelashes, but my eyes are really tiny, so i like lots of drama to make them stand out. i’m not talking drag queen-style (well, sometimes i do break out the falsies), but i want big, full lashes. no go with this, folks. it has the same shape of brush as original telescopic, meaning it’s one of those comb-style brushes that should apply a lot of product for volume, but still define the lashes well once you learn not to be too heavy-handed. what they have done with this version is made the brush out of that squishy rubber all the companies are using now to tout their wands as “clump-free.” the problem with “clump-free” is it usually also means there won’t be too much volume, so i would only recommend this if you already have lots of lash110507_covergirl_b or if you are looking for the natural look. even then, though, this stuff if a little too gooey and wet upon application and smears and flakes a bit. no go. oh ps i also tried that new cover girl mascara “lash blast” that drew barrymore is whoring and there is NO BLAST. same problem with the rubber bush, no volume. nothing. invisible. i guess there are bigger problems in the world, but it would be nice to settle this mascara thing once and for all. i think i will try one of the newer MAC formulas next, since i can buy them for cheap with my pro card.

well, this weekend is going to be another mellow one in preparation for good times ahead. the next three weekends are going to be kinda crazy so i better rest my pipes. my throat feels like it’s bleeding. no bueno.

loving, ladies, and loving the ladies

i have been trying to focus and write something for the better part of three hours, but i am not in the mood. i’m not in a bad mood, per se, but i just don’t feel like writing, which is unpleasant. tonight i had the revelation that i write way too much about joe and then i asked joe about it and he said “yeah, people always ask me why your blog is about me.” what??? RUDE. while i know him well and i’m pretty fucking sure he is exaggerating, i am not going to ignore this statement because obviously it’s not completely pulled out of his ass, as i was thinking it myself.

look people, it’s not like i think i am the first person to ever fall in love, it’s just that this is the first time i myself have ever been in love at a way-too-late to bloom age and it’s making me insane! every time i have one of those moments of pure joy that people in love are supposed to feel, i burst into tears or at least just get really depressed because i know it can’t last forever. i guess i have always been like this was since i was a child. i feel like i can specifically remember crying hysterically when a perfectly cheerful book or movie was about to end. i don’t believe that happiness is the natural state of being for me, so clearly no good can come of this. i also feel so lucky to have met you-know-who, because he’s purely the perfect person for me, and as a few simple clicks into the archives of Amanda: Failure Princess will illustrate all too perfectly, i have shit for luck, so it’s no wonder that i am just kind of skulking around lately, waiting for life to kick me in the face.

point is i am sorry, dear readers, that you are having to share this journey with me. if it helps, i am going to try and post such things on my myspace blog, which is mostly public. i rarely write in because of this here blog, but it becomes absolutely necessary in situations exactly like this.

now on to the subject at hand: musica! this weekend was destined to be chill because wednesday night i went to dyke night at the eagle (like i do every wednesday) to celebrate my bday with some friends and ended up getting so wasted i came home and picked an insane blackout fight with joe which culminated in my marching down his street at 4 am in my bra, underpants, and an open flannel shirt dragging along a suitcase. but then joe came and rescued me from sleeping in my car, we had make-up sex, and i spent the whole entire next day in bed. suffice it to say, i had to beg for his forgiveness and i am lucky he still loves me. i can’t drink kamikazes… i have had a disaster each time i have and still haven’t learned. sad. by friday we were both officially sick with a cold, but we felt well enough to hit up amoeba music with my bff jenny.

Pjharveywhitechalk_0i, of course, forgot my music list, so as usual i was wandering lost around the huge record store. what i did find was a copy of the el perro del mar cd used, which i have been looking for for a while. i had the mp3s but they kinda sucked, which is why i don’t really use filesharing programs. i was trying to decide what to get, because i really want to get the newest pj harvey album “white chalk,” but the iTunes version is cheaper and has a bonus track. from the songs i have heard on her myspace page, it’s really different for her and i like it a lot.

oh, okay, first i have to mention that all i ever listen to these days is radio hip hop hits and dance music. i am way too lazy to research new music and i’m super picky about what i listen to when it comes to indie, rock, or singer/songwriter stuff, so i just kind of stick with what i know when i’m in the mood. i had an accidental subscription to eMusic once a while ago and i found that was a much more user-friendly way than iTunes to discover new artists, especially independent and female ones, but i couldn’t afford to keep that subscription going. that’s the other reason i mostly listen to top 40 (besides that i love it, because damnit, i do!), i am too broke to afford to buy music usually and one can always count on a good friend to just hand them a mix cd with the latest britney on it, or whatever.

also at amoeba they were having a “cd single blowout” sale, which was kind of both awesome and depressing. awesome because i got a mint copy of the helium superball maxi-single and a cd of a bunch of annie “hearbeat” remixes with bonus tracks for only $1.99, but depressing because they also had some rare-ish bjork and tori amos singles in there for similarly low prices, all of which i already own and painstakingly collected for years. i know that’s just the way of modern technology, but man, it sure is painful and strange. the good news is in the same bin i also scored an extremely gently used copy of the bird and the bee “please clap your hands” ep for $3.99. this convinced me that these days people obviously just buy cds, rip them onto their computers, and sell them right back. it makes perfect sense in a way, because while you may not be getting back what you paid for it, what is it really worth sitting collecting dust in your cd collection? i hadn’t even touched a cd in months until friday night, i swear! i asked joe if he thought there would ever be a cd nostalgia like the vinyl one and he said “no.” i guess people really like the sound of vinyl, while cds are just transportation for the digital recording. hmm. on a side note, i think that pj harvey would sound better on vinyl, so i’m thinking of getting my record player fixed with my bday money.

is it wrong that i owe nearly $500 in parking tickets, but i don’t have the kind of money to cover them all at once, so i’m just not going to pay them at all? i am incapable of sorting my life out, but sometimes it just sorts itself out. for example, two or three years ago i lost my drivers’ license while making xmas gift returns and never got a new one because i was too lazy to go to the dmv. luckily, this year my license is up for renewal and they are sending me a new one! see, all it took was three years of driving around risking ticketing and/or arrest and the problem was solved. presto!

Agcealso for my bday i got an iTunes gift card, so i bought the album “a girl called eddy” by a girl called eddy. her music is! i discovered it that time i had eMusic and just never got around to buying the whole thing. it’s so good! she sounds like a cross between karen carpenter and dusty springfield and some of her lyrics are just brilliant. my fav songs are “somebody hurt you” and “golden.” the trouble is, this album came out in 2004 and there hasn’t been too many peeps since then. she doesn’t even have an official website, but check out her myspace to listen to some songs and then get the album cause the whole thing is pretty good. i miss having cds i can just put in and listen to all the way through. this is kind of one of those.

of course, with my luck, i actually purchased my first-ever full-length album from iTunes the day before i received the gift card. i got kate nash “made of bricks” and i am liking it so far. i’m glad i decided to get it on iTunes because a hard copy would not have been necessary, and again, it came with bonus tracks.

kate nash “foundations” video

this is the first song that ever got me into kate nash and it so so good! it makes me really sad and it’s also a funny, clever song. her voice isn’t mind-blowing, and i do understand the lily allen comparisons, but i like her style and music much better.

video of the bird and the bee performing their cover of the beegees’ “how deep is your love” with sia at the troubador

i am just getting into the bird and the bee and i like them a lot. many of their songs are kind of background music-y but i feel like that’s okay because the singer’s voice is so pretty and the songs that do stand out are really great. sia is another artist i have been meaning to check out. all the lesbos i know went nuts for her song “breathe me,” so i though it was extra-amusing when i read that she recently came out as dating her first girlfriend. she described her girlfriend as “like a boy” which also piqued my interest because i almost feel like butch/femme couples have gone underground these days. as i found out a few days later, her gf is supposedly jd samson from le tigre. this makes perfect sense because i saw jd three weeks or so ago at the eagle in l.a. and was semi-star struck, only because we ran into each other by the restroom and she was really sweet. anyway, she was with this adorable girl who was dressed so so so cute and had a little blonde bob with bangs. DUH! it was sia! they were so cute together i almost died.

on that note, i will leave you with the video of ellen page’s lesbian skit saturday night on SNL. many people are speculating that this is her subtle way of coming out. i thought that at first too, but it could also be poking fun at how everyone thinks she’s a lez. i don’t really care, i just think she’s hot and i do love her butchy swagger. the sketch is hilarious too. my favorite part is when she says “i’m finally burning bright with sister fire.” LOL!

too much inFURmation: home bikini wax

Sallyhansenboxthe sally hansen brazilian bikini waxing and shaping kit has all you need to trim and wax your bikini area into the perfect, sexy shape. omg, i just wrote that myself. should i go into marketing? methinks yes! anyway, inside this box you will find a container of hard (also called stripless) wax, which is, in many opinions, the superior type of wax for delicate areas such as the vajayjay. this is because it adheres to the hair and not the skin, and when used properly can be a much more precise tool for shaping the bikini line. the wax is hard at room temp, but melts in the microwave. when applied in the direction of hair growth to the area to be waxed, it hardens into a kind of strip, which you of course (of course!) remove by holding the skin taut and pulling against the hair growth, taking the hair with it. traditional wax is applied the same way, but remains tacky upon application, at which time a strip of cotton or muslin is applied with pressure to the area and removed also in the same fashion. traditional wax works best for larger areas like the legs, arms, and back (hehe). every professional bikini wax i have ever had was with this soft kind of wax, and in the hands of the right technician, it has always been fine, but i have wanted to try having it done by a pro with hard wax for some time now. these tend to be pricier, though, and i am too broke to afford even my bargain wax, hence theSpapanties_2 waxing kit. also included in the kit are wooden sticks for spreading the wax, tiny rounded-tip safety scissors for trimming (great! very necessary. no more using a crappy, however sharp, old pair of haircutting scissors and running the risk of accidental home labiaplasty), a tiny hand mirror (novel idea, not helpful at all), a pair of disposable spa panties* (snazzy, but pointless since a) in theory you are taking off most or all of the hair**, and b) you are AT HOME), and finally some very helpful azulen post-wax soothing oil.

the other day, as i purchased this for $9.99 from the 24 hour CVS by my mom’s house, i thought to myself, “wait, why the hell do i pay $50+ to get this done professionally when i can just do it at home!”

the answer: because doing it yourself is time consuming and hurts like the motherfucking dickens.

i did this yesterday and it took me about three hours (counting prep, cleanup, and diet coke break), but then, i was sporting a mega-bush due to the aforementioned brokeness and therefore not having been waxed for three months. i finally broke down and got this kit out of sheer desperation.

my first mistake was not trimming enough beforehand. it is essential that the hair be at least 1/4 inch in length, but it should not be longer than a half inch. if you attempt this with longer hair and the stripless wax, you will end up, as i did, with what looks like pubey laffy taffy stuck to your crotch, seemingly impossible to remove. the experts would probably recommend patience and baby oil to remedy such an emergency, but my method is to wait until the wax gets super hard (diet coke break), pray, bite down on a hand towel, and rip that shit off like there’s no tomorrow. i had this problem a few times, even after i trimmed more and more, until i finally got my technique down just right.

as for the shape, normally i would go with the traditional landing strip, but it is my belief that the giant 70s bush is on its way back in, as this is the only logical follow-up to the resurgence of high-waisted pants. the problem with this, as any girl (or guy, i guess)*** who gets waxed will tell you, is that nothing quite compares the the silky-smooth, breezy freedom of nearly hairless genitals. my solution to this conundrum is simple: leave the bush on top and wax the labes and ass crack as usual! i am not looking forward to my waxer’s face when i tell her my new plan. i tried it myself with this waxing kit, but once you start grooming it’s kind of hard to stop, and for a minute there before i trimmed down the bush atop my otherwise baldness, it basically looked like some kind of crazy pussy toupee. not cute.

the other problem i ran into while trying to do the home wax is that it is virtually impossible to wax one’s own ass. no matter how hairless you may think your ass is, you know nothing of smoothness until you have had your entire crack waxed. i would recommend it to anyone, seriously.

Cmbrazilian_article_wideweb__470x31overall, i’d say the experience was crappy but necessary. my review of the sally hansen brazilian bikini waxing and shaping kit is that if it must be done, it works great. i definitely feel better smooth, however sore. i will say, though, that i fully intend on saving my pennies next paycheck so i can go back to bella, my favorite crazy russian waxer. but i MUST NEVER TELL HER OF MY HOME ENDEAVOR! she would probably slap me right in the face, not for cheating on her, but for being so insolent. waxers take their jobs very seriously, and now i know why. i don’t think i will even be able to look at the bike i always forget to ride for a whole week! (ps that pic on the right is not of bella. it is the first thing that comes up in google image search for “bikini wax.” wow, male waxer… how modern!)

*some waxing spas offer these for convenience, others require them. if you are getting a brazilian or anything like it, you will need to remove them. spas that only do traditional bikini waxes often require you to wear these during the service.

**technically, for your reference, a brazilian wax is when the hair is removed from the bikini line (line seen outside of panties) inward, leaving a landing strip and the hair on the labia, but waxing the buttocks. a playboy wax is like a brazilian, but the hair is removed from the labia as well, leaving only the strip. these terms are often used interchangeably, and i have only seen a few spas that differentiate the name and price. also, when all the hair is removed, it is apparently called a sphinx wax, but that sounds nerdy, so i’d call it a full wax if i were you. i also totally recommend waxing the labia if you are going to deal with the initial (you get used to it… sorta) humiliation of having your asshole waxed. the bare labes are the best part!

***is anyone else getting really fucking annoyed at how many parentheses i have been using lately? i don’t know why i can’t stop (sorry)!