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The Failure Princess Reboot (there’s a shoe tie-in pun here, but let’s not)

I’ve been trying to think of a way to reintroduce this blog without having to admit that I’ve been a lazy asshole full of half-baked ideas, but in the spirit of lazy assholes with half-baked ideas, nothing is coming to me.

In the meantime I’ve been going through all of my old posts adding tags and cleaning up egregious spelling and grammar errors as much as possible, save for stylistic choices such as all lowercase letters and perhaps overly-liberal sprinklings of “duh”s “lol”s and “wtf”s. Not that I don’t still believe in the power of a well-placed lol, of course. I began the oh-so-poetic habit of using only lowercase letters in my writing sometime in my early teen years and had to train myself to write with proper caps when I started writing and editing professionally, which was a big step… Yup, and someday I will learn to tie my shoes properly without using double bunny ears and you’ll be the first to know.

Anyway, I’ve been writing professionally since around 2008 when I thought I’d found my dream job, but I was either wrong about that or somehow managed to fuck it up. Both are entirely possible within in the Failure realm. In any event, I do some freelance work now but am mostly unemployed. My person/boyfriend/partner/girlfriend and I will have been together for five years in October (July, really) and we are still sickeningly in love. This kind of sickening, life-affirming love and devotion is contrary to everything I stand for, but seeing as I regularly stand for being contrary, it works out! I have a Pomeranian and am a total crazy dog lady now. Remember when I was a cat person!? My former cat love was a weird thing I “discovered” while going through this blog, in addition to the fact that for some odd reason I used to spell catalog as “catalogue” and hooray as “hurray”, neither of which is incorrect, per se, but odd because I don’t know where I picked up those spellings or when exactly I dropped them.

Also, did I mention I am 31-years-old and live at home with my mother? I guess we can just get that out of the way and I should warn you that it’s actually no fun to judge or mock me for it because I do a damn fine job of that on my own. I’m not saying I’m funnier than you, but I have a lot more material to work with, and I promise I’ll lay myself bare for your entertainment, as always.

Actually, to be perfectly honest, I feel a bit guarded right now. I recently had an unpleasant exchange with a former friend (I threw the first punch, full disclosure, but she brought a gun to a text fight) wherein I was verbally assaulted with many of the same failures and shortcomings I tear myself down for internally but also find humor in. Making fun of myself and complaining about my “shitty life” has always been a coping mechanism, an art form, hell, even a pleasure of mine, but hearing someone else say the same fucked-up things that I think about myself then turn into jokes — only minus the joking part — kind of made me want to be nice to myself instead and not give them any more ammunition. I don’t know, I guess it just doesn’t feel that funny to be self-deprecating right now. I wrestled with the idea of using this blog to write in again partially for that very reason. I mean, do I even fit into the same cement shoes I did when I started writing as the Failure Princess? And what exactly is “failure”? I don’t have a job, any money, a living space of my own, a formal education, self-confidence, any sense of self-worth whatsoever… but I do have an amazing relationship, a wonderful dog, the kind of happiness I did not think was possible for someone like me, and all kinds of good things that are not that funny to write about. Luckily I also still have loads of good stories, a lot of opinions, and a taste for cheap booze, so we should be fine. Amanda: Failure Princess is alive and well.

These days, I don’t think those cement shoes exactly fit me anymore. I still carry them around with me though, like a party girl on a walk of shame, and maybe I always will. But maybe I won’t.


i’m still here, you know. i know some people read this every day and i’m sorry i am a bad blogger (friend? i’d like to think we are friends).

my life is so hectic right now, and yet nothing has changed except my job status, i now own a pair of very uncomfortable spanx, and i have put way more things into my vagina and ass since last time we talked.

oh yeah, i guess i officially have no shame. before it was like, “OMG, does she have no shame?” and now it’s like “SHE HAS NO SHAME!” but i don’t care because it’s a living. i feel like i am being more true to myself than ever. wait, i just realized that sounds like i am totally a prostitute. i’m not, even though it would be completely valid and okay if i was (but probably not okay with joe). actually,  as i mentioned, i work in a sex shop now.

it has taken over much of my life and i cannot figure out how to write about it, or even how to fit writing into my daily life other than the writing i do for work. writing about working and it’s many pains is one of my favorite things to do, but right now i love my job, and to write too candidly about it would be betraying a certain trust. i feel like it can, or must, be done for the survival of this blog, but i have yet to figure it all out.

anyway, re: the spanx, i only bought them because i had to go to a wedding. normally i shun spanx and other control top hosiery because, while we can all use a nip in the tum, i don’t really like restraining my bubble butt. it’s one of my few physical features i actually like, and although it seems to get flatter with age and weight gain, i still try to flaunt it as much as possible. i always thought they should make those things assless. the other reason i hate them is that they tend to roll down at the waist band, which, instead of a flat surface, bisects the tummy area and creates TWO distinct rolls. unsexy.

i decided to give these a go because i really needed a smooth back silhouette for the thin fabric of my dress, and these particular spanx promised to be high-waisted, thereby doing away with waist-roll and smoothing all the way up to the bra line. well, they work. the reason they work is that an ULTRA TIGHT band at the top goes around your ribs. it took me about 10 minutes to get them on and the whole time i was wearing them, i literally could hear my bones straining. now, three days later, i still have bruises on my ribs. i ended up taking them off halfway through the wedding because after the second time of having to painfully remove them and squeeze them back on to use the toilet, i was done.

i wish i could say that i am totally done with this torture device, but alas, i feel like they could come in handy at some point. plus, and i didn’t notice this until i took them off, the crotch is actually open. there are like, two overlapping flaps instead of solid fabric. could this convenient hole be what i think it is? probably not, but i’d be lying if i said i’m not entertaining the idea.

big wheels keep on turnin’

if you guys think just because the weather is getting all fall-like and crisp that i have quit doing water aerobics, you are so wrong! okay, actually this is l.a. so it is only slightly fall-like and crisp and only at night, but i plan on doing water aerobics all year-long if my work schedule will permit. it’s no longer my only reason for living, but it is definitely still a bright spot in my ever-darkening life. it gets pretty cold when we get out of the pool at around 7:30, and i know that will only get worse as the weather gets colder, but it’s worth it. i love being in the water, especially at night.

keeping with my general existential theme (failure), i cannot afford to have even a low-cost heath insurance plan. i am pretty much legally blind and my glasses are hideously ill-fitting, scratched, and horribly out of date, so i rely on my contact lenses. seeing as i have no insurance, i have been wearing the same disposable monthly pair for like seven months! this is wrong on many levels, but i have justified it by removing and cleaning them meticulously each night. well, my eyes have been bugging me  Michaeldlately. i have experienced itching, soreness, and sensitivity to light… all VERY BAD THINGS. oops. well, i have been trying to wear them less, but my glasses make me feel useless because they suck so much. last night i had a dream in which my eyes hurt the whole dream and they were getting puffier and puffier, like an old person’s eyes, all hooded and saggy. then, finally, i looked in the mirror and i had morphed into MICHAEL DOUGLAS! wtf is that supposed to mean?

Wateri don’t know what made me think of that just now. i guess because i have been trying to wear my glasses to water aerobics because it’s not super-important to see perfectly or look good, but it’s hard to have on glasses in the water. there is one girl, no, two, who wear glasses and they are both kind of the nerds of the class and they always strain really hard to hear the teacher, try to be extra-fast and impressive, and don’t really ever smile or talk to anyone else. total over-achievers. it’s kind of hilarious. on the other end, there are these two women, and i mean WOMEN, like, in their 30s, who obviously know each other outside of class because they talk THE WHOLE TIME. i always try to stand either away from them or near the radio, but they not only talk, they also have the nerve to stand in the medium-front-center of class! i like to be toward the front on the side, so i often end up right near them. every time i have a class with them, i think of things to say to them like, “hey, maybe you guys wanna talk about this later over lattes?” or “well, your mouths must enjoy this workout!” but then i just lower my head and suffer in silence because i don’t want to alienate myself from everyone in the class. i guess some things never change, by land or by sea.

last night’s class was mediocre at first because we had this one teacher that just basically stands at the edge of the pool and does these weird interpretive dance moves while practically whispering the instructions. normally, i would most def be into interpretive water dancing, but since it is a) done with no sense of irony whatsoever, and b) so unlike the GREAT workout we get from our two other teachers, it’s frustrating and annoying.

but then, at the very end of the class, there was this nice little moment. we were all doing the bicycle, pumping our legs in the water while using pool noodles as handlebars, when the teacher put on tina turner’s version of “proud mary.” slowly, softly at first, thirty women in a swimming pool began singing along. it was kind of embarrassing, but by the rippling glow of the underwater lights, i don’t know, it was also kind of beautiful.

“rollin’ rollin’ rollin’ on the river…”

i met sia!

last night (tuesday) at wildness, jd samson was djing. it was great and everyone was on the dancefloor. as i mentioned in a previous post, i have seen jd and sia out together in l.a. before and they are SO CUTE together, but that’s not the point.

now, i am a los angeles native, born and raised, so i try not to get too star-struck when i see celebrities. i mean, for godssake, when i worked at the salon, i washed tom hanks’ hair!!! but, when i see/meet an artist whose work i really really admire, i just lose it. sia is so fucking talented. her most recent album some people have real problems is brilliant. her voice is gorgeous and her lyrics are so so beautiful. i just love it.

well, before i even got there, i accidentally drank a sparks, which if you don’t know is a fine malt beverage MIXED WITH ENERGY DRINK. if you know me in real life, you know i am not allowed to drink energy drinks or i become completely insane. one time i had two sugar-free red bulls and then watched an in-line skating contest where the girls were jumping on rails and falling on their faces left and right and i was just screaming uncontrollably. my heart almost leaped right out of my chest and when i was coming down from my high all i wanted to do was suck my thumb and cry.

now imagine that combined with full sugar and a touch of booze. not pretty. i had to have a glass of champagne and a beer just to bring me to almost normal.

then i get in line for the bathroom RIGHT BEHIND SIA!

i had to say something because the way i see it, even if i was a celebrity trying to lay low and hang out with my girlfriend in a tranny dive bar in macarthur park, i would love it if some energy drink-crazed, curly-headed mess came up to me and started screaming in my face about how i am her absolute favorite and she just loves me blah blah blah.

actually, i am not joking, i really would like it, but it didn’t happen exactly that way. when i walked into the alley that the restroom is in (uh huh) she was the only other person in line and i was like “this is awkward, but, uh, i’m a BIG fan!” and she thought that was really funny. she was so so so nice and asked my name and introduced herself (lol) and was the cutest thing ever and really fast in the bathroom, which was a big plus cause i had to pee pretty bad from the sparks and the things i tried to chase it with.

i wanted to ask her to sign my little notebook, but i decided that was just going a bit too far. now i wish i did though because wtf, who cares. i don’t think she would have thought any less of me. oh well. it was really cool and i feel like a dork, but i don’t care. also let me add that she’s a great dancer! i feel like you can really tell a lot about a person by how well they dance to 90s club hits.

you can learn even more about sia and hear her music and see videos on her website. her latest single “soon we’ll be found” is one of the only things in the world that is bringing me any hope and happiness right now. here is the beautiful video and the lyrics.

Come along it is the break of day
Surely now, you’ll have some things to say
It’s not the time for telling tales on me

So come along, it wont be long
‘Til we return happy
Shut your eyes, there are no lies
In this world we call sleep
Let’s desert this day of hurt
Tomorrow we’ll be free

Let’s not fight I’m tired can’t we just sleep tonight
Turn away it’s just there’s nothing left here to say
Turn around I know we’re lost but soon we’ll be found

Well it’s been rough but we’ll be just fine
Work it out yeah we’ll survive
You musn’t let a few bad times dictate

So come along, it wont be long
‘Til we return happy
Shut your eyes, there are no lies
In this world we call sleep
Let’s desert this day of work
Tomorrow we’ll be free

Let’s not fight I’m tired can’t we just sleep tonight
turn away it’s just there’s nothing left here to say
Turn around I know we’re lost but soon we’ll be found


i have so much to say, but now i have waited to long to say it and i am SO TIRED and overwhelmed!

positive stuff:

a) i got a JOB! not only that, but it is the exact job i wanted, and possibly the perfect job for me right now. more later.

b) i feel amazing.

c) for the first time in so long i feel hopeful for the future of this country. barack obama is inspiring. he brought me to tears during his historical acceptance speech at the DNC. it is only starting to sink in what it could all mean, and it feels too good to be true, but it can be true. a better world can be a reality.

okay, now the harshness:

a) still broke.

b) I FUCKING HATE ALL REPUBLICANS. they are seriously the scum of the earth. i am not the person to come to when you want an objective or eloquent opinion on this. my more temperate friends often say “amanda, you can’t say that about them because that’s what they think about us. it’s not fair either way and it’s not right to hate.” the problem with that argument is that i hate them because they hate. the “us” they are hateful toward in their speech and policies is so much of who i am, a liberal democrat (at least by official registration), a woman, a person of color, a feminist, and a queer person. in the spirit of ineloquence (which is not even a word), i say fuck you john mccain for running a campaign of negativity, lies, and sensationalism. fuck you sarah palin for trying to tell me what to do with my body and who to love. i will support staying out of your daughter’s business when you stay the fuck out of mine. fuck you young republican bitch from orange county who is the youngest delegate from california at the RNC. sorry readers for directing you to the faux news website, but seriously, watch the video, it’s so sickening. at the end she says “i’m a huge capitalist.” and, for good measure: fuck you joe lieberman, you sick fucking asshole. i was forced to hear part of his speech tonight because i had the news on and his words were enraging me, but his voice was putting me to sleep at the same time. wow, what an inspiring convention. fuck you all, seriously. if, by some chance, there is a hell like the one the more religiously inclined of you choose to believe in (choice?!?! what a concept), it is you who will burn there if there is any justice in this world.

c) as long as i am on the subject of faux news, i accidentally watched part of it this evening while trying to avoid seeing even a second of “last call with carson daly” and they showed this quote from lindsay lohan’s blog today

“I’ve been watching the news all morning, like everyone else – and i keep hearing about the issues related to ‘teen pregnancy’- It’s all related to Sarah Palin and her 17 year old unmarried pregnant daughter. Well, I think the real problem comes from the fact that we are taking the focus off of getting to know Sarah Palin and her political views, and what she can do to make our country a less destructive place. Its distracting from the real issues, the real everyday problems that this country experiences.”

which on its own may seem to be in support of sarah palin. too bad they forgot the next part

“I am concerned with the fact that Sarah Palin brought the attention to her daughter’s pregnancy, rather than all world issues and what she believes she could possibly do to change them-if elected. I get Sarah Palin’s views against abortion, but i would much prefer to hear more about what she can do for our country rather than how her daughter is going to have a child no matter what. Maybe focus on delivering some words and policy with stronger impact like Joe Biden.”

LiLo, or LezLo as i like to think of her affectionately, then went on to quote barack obama and say a bunch of pro-sex education stuff. look, i care about as much as you about what she says in her blog, but i found it so outrageous how much fox chose to edit down her quote to misrepresent it. we are living in a crazy, scary world people.
anyway, all this stuff makes me want to cry. conservatives are so fucking stupid, i can’t even handle it.

for the record, here are some answers to a couple of oft-asked questions:

Q: what if your mom had decided to have an abortion?

A: well, i never would have known, and i wouldn’t have to be talking to your stupid ass right now, so it’s looking like win/win.

Q: how can you be gay when it’s against god and god says it’s wrong in the bible?

A: how can you love the bible when you have never read it? i say this because you clearly don’t understand the teachings of jesus. jesus loved and accepted everyone, even sinners, and he also showed us that some things we may have regarded as a sin were not actually sinful. i’m gonna go with loving another consenting adult and expressing that love romantically = NOT SINFUL.

omg, i can’t even stand this. i also love how these are the same people who don’t regard healthcare, education, food, and a safe place to live as a fundamental right. i went to catholic school for eight long years and every single religion book i EVER read said it is part of god’s teachings that these are basic human rights.


this is a bit cheap

but i am sleepy and in the arms of the one i love.

here are some lists in no particular order.

current top five things i hate most:
1) price of gas (not lowering fast enough!)
2) katy perry (constipated, airheaded, contemporary christian crapfest)
3) people who aren’t funny or interesting. either one of the two even would be fine…
4) being totally no joke broke (bank balance = $.67)
5) not having health insurance (i need yasmin fast before my 10 day periods cause me to hurt someone)

current top five things i love (not counting joseph):
1) water aerobics (reason for living, truthfully)
2) sia (makes me laugh and cry)
3) the olympics (duh)
4) hansen’s diet pomegranate soda (so fruity, so sweet, so splenda!)
5) when i can write something decent

top five songs:
1) sia “lentil” (so beautiful. apparently it is about a dog, which killed it a little for me meaning-wise, but still, gorgeous.)
2) stevie nicks “stand back” (especially after watching this performance to it at mustache mondays last month. so hot!)
3) the game feat. lil wayne “my life”
4) sia “day too soon” (i know, OBSESSED.)
5) kate bush “babooshka” (this video could basically be actual footage of my brain activity. bonus: joe hates this song and freaks out every time it comes on my ipod. comedy gold.)

top five things i watch:
1) olympics (duh x2)
2) project runway (yes, this season’s contestants are weak, esp considering last season was one of the best, but it’s still entertaining. and i WILL meet tim gunn before i die if it kills me.)
3) re-watching skins (absolutely brilliant british tv show. you can watch series one and two without too much headache here, but also if you want to do it the old fashioned way, series one begins airing on BBC America this sunday @ 9 pm)
4) shear genius (why do i watch this crap? i can honestly say i have had the privilege of working with mostly talented AND smart hairstylists in my own short-lived hair career, but i do believe they may be rare. that fact may be changing, but this show is no reflection of that. AND I LOVE IT. sad, but i can’t stop. if i had seen this before i went to beauty school, it would have scared me right back into college. oh well.)
5) oprah (i need a job and some zoloft, stat.)

well, i guess that takes care of that. in other news, i am getting my hair cut on friday and i don’t know if i will get a trim or get the chop. i hate having long hair and it’s hard to tell if i’m really balding with my hair being so long. i MUST know for sure before i start spending every waking minute obsessing about it, thereby inadvertently stressing the last remaining strands right off my skull, but the length makes it hard to judge the density. also, it’s fucking hot in l.a. right now. then, i think of how long it took to grow it and how it will be winter in no time (aka 60 degrees in january). i just don’t know what to do, but even if i keep it long, i definitely need a trim, as i am living deep in ponytail country.

my life is so interesting. thank god i have a blog.


one year ago tonight, well, today, i was rolling around in the sheets with him for the first time.

and by that, i mean we had our first date.

i had met him the week before, on a thursday, at the (sadly) now-defunct club butchin’ in highland park. the place was nearly empty because there was a big party nearby at the dykeplex. ajai and i were about to head out of there when she spotted some people she knew. i was standing there impatiently when he walked over to me and started talking. he was hot, but i don’t flirt. i didn’t think i was flirting anyway, because i’m really very shy unless i’m being funny. at one point i was adjusting my breasts in my bra (i do that) and he said “you can’t do that in front of me!” so i grabbed his head and shoved them between my boobs. it was funny. less than an hour later we were at that party, attached at the face.

i was hoping to see him that weekend, but he had gone up to portland to visit some friends. i finally got a flirty text from him saturday night, and i (drunkenly) replied back that when he got home “we should fuck or something.” what the hell?

i was trying to slut it up a little because i never had before. about a month before that i had my first “one-night stand” although i don’t think it counts as that when you actually kind of know the person. anyway, that person wanted to see me again after, but i had recently had a shit experience with dating someone ultra-casually and i didn’t want to go there. i definitely wanted to get laid though. i was still in pretty good shape, physically, and feeling very confident about my sexual skills, thanks to the praises of the aforementioned lovers and the affirmation of my ex.

anyway, it was monday when he and i finally met for a ruse of a date at the shortstop. we each took wingwomen, which was helpful, but unnecessary, as the moment i slid onto the bar stool next to him and he asked me what i wanted to drink, i was at ease.

we flirted and made out for about an hour at the bar before i pulled him into the bathroom and politely explained, by placing his hand down the front of my panties, why it was about that time for him to take me home. and he did.

just like that, what i thought was going to be my second ever one-night stand began. from the very first moment we entered the bedroom, things went perfectly. the last time i had found myself in this position, the other party made the mistake of leaving a girl who had no idea how to have a one-night stand alone in their bedroom, drunk, when we first got back to the house. i had panicked, totally freaked, and ended up stripping down to my underpants and getting underneath her covers, pulling them up to my chin and waiting for the sex to start. it was my fault, but it was awkward.

but that night, with him, nothing was uncomfortable. we weren’t even drunk and it was so easy. he lowered me onto the bed, took off my clothes for me, and for the next four hours or so, we had some of the best, most insane sex i have ever had. i pulled out my big bag of tricks on the first date because i liked him, but also because i didn’t think it would happen again, and i wanted to leave a lasting impression.

we were smoking on the balcony when he told me he wanted to get to know me better. few words had stricken me with such horror. i knew then that i liked him so much. i knew it was almost unnatural how good it felt, how the smell and feel of his skin was simultaneously exotic and so familiar. i guess it won’t hurt now to say that i knew i could fall in love with him, but that is SO LESBIONIC!

we had sex on the balcony. after that, we got into bed and he curled up beside me while i wrote this blog, and when i was finished, he got me off two more times before falling asleep for three hours then waking me up in that special way.

one year later, we are still together. i guess it’s the gayest thing in the world, but i wouldn’t have it any other way. i mean, sometimes i have wished that we went on more official dates before we started banging, and sometimes i wish that we banged a few times before i showed him all my tricks, but the point is, i was terrified to fall in love and i acted like a dumbass and tried to run away a bunch of times. if i could do one thing different, i would not do that because i know that caused a wall between us, but i was so unbelievably scared of feeling that way about someone.

the thing about me is, i will never allow myself to be happy and i will never be satisfied. that is the truth. the best i could hope for is someone who is willing to put up with me, but twice now i have been lucky enough to be with someone who actually loves me. and now i am with someone who i am actually crazy in love with, which i never thought would happen. the problem is, i have held something back from him. not any love, that’s for sure. if anything, i feel like a lovesick fool whenever i am around him, but there is a part of me that i have kept hidden, or lost somewhere, i can’t quite figure it out. this side of me, i believe, is one of the main things that makes people fall in love with me (there have only been a few, but i’m just saying) and i’m so worried that if i don’t find her and show her to him, then he’s never gonna love me all the way.
does that make any sense?

i can be the funny girl, the outrageous girl, the crazy, the hopeless, but i don’t remember how to be the girl with a cracked-open heart, genuine and full of beautiful words and other small but opulent treasures. i think i tried to bury this because i wanted to always be be tough, sexy, and fun. when i found love, i realized i might not have to have those other things. now i realize that if i don’t figure out how to have them all, i might lose the most important one.


if you knew the kind of emotional assault that is occurring in my brain, you would not be mad at me for not posting so much lately. i can’t discuss that though because i almost kind of feel like it’s okay to keep some aspects of my life private. crazy, huh?

moving on, here are some crumbs:

1) this bluetooth thing is driving me nuts! i am so addicted to my phone that i must wear it at all times in my car, but now i live with the constant terror that it is going to answer a call or call someone as i am belting out the lyrics to “she’s got you” by patsy cline. do you know anyone who can resist singing along to a patsy cline song? cause i don’t.

2) as i get older, i am noticing more and more funny little quirks about myself. if you will remember, i wrote a letter to god a while back expressing some of my concerns about how much time i have left before these “quirks” become a very clear mental illness, but for now i am able to find humor in it still, which is key. for example, i realized recently that before i eat anything these days i have to cut it in half. this one has been building for a while, as i have always dissected and inspected my food, but the deliberate halving of things has never been so absolutely necessary. now if i only i could manage to eat just the one half. sigh.

3) speaking of eating habits, i am currently in the process of reading “the south beach diet super charged.” several years ago the first version of the book helped me a lot and now i am hoping this one will be equally inspiring. i try not to support the “dieting industry” as i am a feminist and i have been in and out of weight watchers since i was about 8 years-old to no avail, but i did find south beach to be a good guide for thinking about what one eats and how one lives. i dunno, we’ll see. i’m totally eating one of the cupcakes i made for jenny’s birthday right now. chocolate chip with pink lemonade frosting and sprinkles, cut in half.

4) oh yeah, happy birthday, cancers! cancers are some of my fav peeps around and i have so many of you to love. shout-outs to joe (cusp), miranda, jenny, cheryl, tarah… i’m pretty sure i’m forgetting some, but i love you all.

5) i found this awesome pink desk on the side of the road in echo park the other day and i’m really excited about getting it into my room. now i just have to clean my room. SO MUCH WORK!

6) there’s this hairball in my shower that i am just WAY too lazy and grossed-out to remove so i just move it to the side with my toe and hope someone else will pick it up. but now every time i wash my hair i look in the drain to see if i am losing a ton of hair and i see the big hairball and panic! i know the simple solution is the pick the damn thing up, but i don’t wanna.

i guess on that note, i should go do some stuff. gonna read south beach for an hour then maybe check out craigslist again. i will probably clean my room tonight and i am going to try try try to write a blog for tomorrow!


the failure princess playhouse is dark

it’s not like i never think about going back to school, it’s just that every time i think about it, i want to slit my wrists because i fucking hated school. i’m feeling fairly unintelligent lately on account of the fact that i haven’t had a real conversation with anyone other than joe in weeks. if you were wondering about the dream job i mentioned i interviewed for, i was moments away from getting it when the proprietors of said dream-establishment made the somewhat abrupt decision to close it down. i will tell you all about that (aka rant like hell) later, but that’s not the point right now. the point is that in the interview, despite some very notable (at least to me) missteps, i found that i did surprisingly well. i was scared shitless even though the girls interviewing me were familiar and friendly, because a) i wanted the job really bad, and b) there were actually official company interview questions, like, on a clipboard, which is always intimidating. somehow, as the questions came out, so did my answers, many of which were seemingly well-thought-out, oft-spoken, coherent thoughts. WTF? me? like i said, i surprised myself even a little. i guess that’s because these days when i talk out loud to anyone other than my beloved, i am mostly in a crowded bar, cracking a joke or recounting the latest OMG moment that occurred among my friends. i guess there are thoughts and opinions i have that i haven’t been voicing for months now, which honestly, and those of you who know me will attest to this, should be damn near IMPOSSIBLE given the profusion of words that escapes my lips on a constant basis. literally constant, as i totally talk in my sleep.

it makes me think of the tori amos lyric in the song “silent all these years” :

“so you found a girl who thinks really deep thoughts/what’s so amazing about really deep thoughts?”

when i first heard that lyric, my little 15-year-old ears were taken aback. after all, i myself thought really deep thoughts, and tori’s lyrics were all really deep thoughts (SO DEEP!!!) so what the hell was she on about there? was this guy just a pretentious ass? were the other girl’s thoughts DEEPER than tori’s? did tori hate girls with deep thoughts like me??? (lol)

i guess she could have been talking about anything in most of her songs (peyote anyone?), but as i got older, i finally began to understand that lyric, at least my own final interpretation. any of us could be the really deep thoughts girl. thinking really deep thoughts is not so great a feat if you can’t put them into the world, in words, on the page, in a song, papier mâché, whatever. i thought i was pretty smart, but i didn’t know anything about it until i learned how to express myself, or rather, about the different ways of expressing who i am.

i’ve found that my life is so different since i embraced my “lighter side”. when i was younger i felt like there were two of me in constant battle. “funny amanda” who everyone liked so much, who would do anything for a laugh, and “real amanda” who was miserable every second and wished only for the sweet relief of death’s embrace. ah, youth! anyhoo, i always felt like i couldn’t be both people because they were too different and that i must be some kind of cursed impostor, like the beast in “beauty and the beast” except with better hair and only slightly better posture. i decided that i was meant to be miserable, and it would be only when i had fully accepted that and lived my life in that way that i would be able to feel comfortable in my skin.

somehow the opposite happened and i ended up having more funny days than suicide days. it turned out “real amanda” was funny after all, and the whole world rejoiced around me. jk. it’s not like that at all. i’m still as miserable as ever, but i have somehow assumed the role of general entertainer and making people feel comfortable and avoiding awkward silences person. joe calls that “charm” but i call it “work”. it’s something i complain about, but of course when people don’t pay attention to me i start to go a little insane. the point being, lately i have been wondering for the millionth time if i have taken things too far in this direction. i’ve complained for years that no one takes me seriously, but after being nearly shocked out of my seat by my own answers in that job interview i realize that i have actually stopped taking myself seriously at all. this is not good. i don’t want to be a little dark cloud of gloom over l.a., i’m just saying i see a lot of people around me working a lot less hard, personality-wise, and having much more respect for themselves and from others. granted, most of those people are good-looking, but i have to work with what i’ve got.

so, once again i am entering into one of my self-imposed subdued periods in an attempt to be seen as the strong, silent type. no more show pony-ing around for this princess. i’m gonna read a bunch of books, eat seven different kinds of expensive cheese a week, and only go to bars so i can passively observe the rituals of nightlife and talk about books and cheese. it’s going to be really great.

p.s. i will still write my blog. and probably have drinks.

p.s.s. this song/video still makes me cry and i ain’t ashamed.

feminist nightmare

my decisions today regarding food have been poor at best and now i am sitting here watching t.v. and every single thing is making me emotional, from paternity tests on maury to ethnic discrimination on oprah to mother’s day card commercials. i am living the feminist nightmare.

do you remember in school when people would come dressed up for halloween as “housewives,” wearing terry cloth bathrobes, slippers, curlers, and even mud masks? from a very early age i was taught that this costume was sexist, not to mention inaccurate, and that these women and men were called stay-at-home moms/dads, homemakers, domestic artists, whatever, and they don’t just sit in front of the t.v. all day watching oprah and eating bonbons.

i have a feeling that the traditional “housewife” halloween costume has fallen out of style with most young girls, hopefully in favor of, oh, i don’t know, zombie congresswomen, long-dead poets or sculptors, or witches with a keen business savvy. that may be wishful thinking, but i have a lot of time on my hands as i sit here in my terry cloth romper, watching oprah, and eating açaí berry haagen dazs. some things never change, but some things change a lot yet not at all.

now that’s scary!