Archive for fat

we-no

August 20, 2007 Amanda-Faye dance!, el sexo, fat, this just in

this weekend isn’t really worth following up on. i had a date on friday that ended up being kind of a disaster, but not because of my date. then i ended up at "truckstop" which is a ladies night at Here Bar in west hollywood. look, i don’t really go to west hollywood and here’s why: it blows.

in west hollywood there are several (six or seven) beautiful women, none of whom are butch and all of whom would probably assume i was asking them for change if i tried to speak to them. i’m no butch/femme identity nazi or anything, but there is no more terrifying a surprise than seeing a girl you think looks like a handsome young butch in a sea of tacky, unoriginal weho femmes, then looking down and finding that she is wearing pointy heels. shuddershudder. just a personal preference though, pay me no mind.

on a side note, i am really fat right now. i keep planning on losing weight, but i have been in a state of general mental crisis lately and it just so happens my comfort foods are all noodle-based. in another, sweeter life my comfort foods will be scraps of toilet paper and coffee grounds, but alas i have been dealt this lot for now. anyway, i just thought of that because i feel like everyone at "truckstop" was thin thin thin. i don’t know, that place should be fun because i love dancing to cheesy music and staring at cheesy people, but something about it just shakes me to my core. maybe it’s the horrifying air-strike siren that goes off every half hour announcing the entrance of the "hot" gogo dancers who are really a bunch of straight girls in victoria’s secret overstock lingerie dancing on the bar semi-lasciviously (OMG THOSE TWO GIRLS ARE TOUCHING THEIR CLOTHED PELVISES AGAINST ONE-ANOTHER!). whatever, i have seen my own mother be more scandalous.

wow, i am really on one today. it is really fucking hot and humid and i don’t think i should have to suffer through this weather unless i am on a rainforest hike and there is some kind of naked waterfall in my near future.

eh, sunset junction was only fun because all my friends were there and we made it fun, but it was actually hot and lame and i missed blonde redhead.

of course, afterwards i got to go home with my new cute friend and we made dinner and had a lot of sex. i’m kind of wary about writing about all this because i feel a general unrest re: hanging out with and banging someone i actually like a lot, but you know, i guess the time has come to be forthright. i don’t know what’s happening really, but i’m having a good time laying in bed, laughing and talking, which is pretty much my favorite thing next to complaining about stuff i can’t change. oh yeah, and my newest favorite thing, which is having several orgasms in a row, one after another. how embarrassing is this? i seriously want to punch myself in the face every time i catch myself walking around with an idiot’s half-smile. ugh. whatever, i gotta go. i’ll write more later. or soon, i hope. i have no internet!

love you, bye!

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here’s hoping the traditional six month anniversary gift is a foot rub…

July 3, 2007 Amanda-Faye beauty, el sexo, fat, this just in

okay, so this weekend was the six month anniversary of my blog (i think, i am not that good with numbers). it probably would have been so great for me to write a special anniversary post, but sometimes i’m like, “oh my god, look, it’s like, the WEEKEND. i am RELAXING, i don’t need to BLOG. i’m not your SLAVE!” and this weekend was no exception.

anyway, it was a maj busy weekend. thursday night was supposed to be a special surprise secret show by Img_2728_2peaches at this night called club butchin’ at a tiny little club in highland park called mr. t’s bowl. it’s an old bowling alley converted into a nightclub. okay, duh, we have all seen peaches 568 times, but it would have been pretty awesome at that tiny-ass club and for so cheap. lots of people came out. it was really fun despite the fact that she did not play and instead wandered glassy-eyed around the club. at first i was a little bummed, but then i decided that that situation was almost MORE awesome. anyway, the band that did play, StinkMitt were fucking fantastic. i had decided i was totally over that genre of music until i heard them. so good. so hilarious!

whatever, let’s get to the point. i just looked at a bunch of japanese magazines and got really depressed about how boring american hair is. look, i’m not one of those girls who is like, obsessed with japanese style and culture because honestly i am far too l.a./amanda-centric for that. i just think it’s way annoying that these girls are running around across the globe with really cool hair as a default, and everyone here is like, “gee, golly, how long, straight, and boring can i pay good money for my hair to be???” dude, at least get some hot, sexy, Elviracostumee1 feathered elvira bangs and bouffant-top if you must rock that flat iron. i know that you are probably thinking, “that’s easy for you to say amanda-faye. your hair has all that natural bounce and sass!” well, duuuh, but don’t you think i sometimes wish for straight hair?B00005jljs01lzzzzzzz_2 of course, the only reason i ever wish i had straight hair is so i could do something really exciting with it. it’s hard with curly hair because everyone usually insists that you must have really boring, long, classic hair. well, i say F-you felicity! you and that noxema girl can both go stright to HELL! well. luckily valerie and lacey at steam have both been cutting my hair for the last year or so and have done a great job of maintaining the integrity of the curls while also hip-ing it up a bit.

i’m trying to grow the front really long right now and grow out my straight-across bangs, but i don’t know if i can give the bangs up yet. they were so cool for a minute there, but i was starting to feel like they made me look like a boy. with giant tits.

my diet started officially today, but then i drank a bunch of beer. i was supposed to work out after work instead of drinking a bunch of beer, but then i decided since i spent about three hours friday night with my legs bent behind my head and am still sore, i can afford to splurge a bit.

hahahaha.

but seriously, i really need to firm up a bit, head to toe. someone posted a pic of me on my myspace that,Aginface2_small while not entirely unflattering, shows the serious potential i carry to develop sagging jowls as i age. this concept is almost as terrifying to me as the genetic evidence i have witnessed among the women of my family that my insanely adorable little ears are going to elongate to nearly three times their size by the time i turn fifty. woe, oh WOE! whatever, i know i need to stop being so vain, but it is difficult when all i do is think and talk about how i look. ha! i nearly had a heart attack because there was a picture of my ass on a website that i have linked on this blog before, but shall remain nameless in this post because, um, i don’t want you all to go look at my ass. it was from sf pride when i got all sauced up and evidently threw myself into a bush. i would like to think it was an unauthorized upskirt, but the painful reality is that although i don’t actually recall a single moment of that night, i feel fairly confident that by about 3:30 a.m. my skirt was sitting about around my neck of my own volition.

damn damn damn! the only real problem i have with this is that my ass was so perky and alert about a year ago, but has hence given up a bit. for most of my life, my waist and face have borne the brunt of consequence of ceaseless emotional eating, but it appears at though my lower body is finally taking it’s turn. ugh.

well, so much for a mind-blowing anniversary post. at least it has no direction what-so-ever and allows the reader to taste the many seasonings of my labor. i’m thoroughly enjoying writing in this here blog and i wanted to say thanks to everyone who is reading it, and hi to new readers. please refer to this post for a little bit of background. pretty much nothing has changed except i added the banner, went through three jobs, and had a bunch more sex. i dunno, i recommend reading it from beginning to end, but that might be because i’m just a really traditional girl, you know?

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slim smokey

June 27, 2007 Amanda-Faye beauty, consume, fat

now that pride is over, we can focus on what’s really important: what ever happened to those cigarettes they invented that didn’t burnEclipsecigarettes_2 and created no ash? they were called eclipse and they were all the fuck over the place when i was in beauty school a couple of years ago. we would go out to bars and they would be giving them away for free, practically BEGGING you to take them. i remember my friends and i would be sitting on the patio at school and sometimes no one would have any cigs except, like, ten packs of free eclipse and it was a real bummer. you lit them like a regular cigarette, but they didn’t burn down. they heated from the inside and produced a vapour. wtf? they sucked. i would sooner smoke toenail clippings.

anyways, i don’t really smoke.

Parliament_lightsOMG, i think i officially smoke! it has come to that point. terrifying! i used to be the one who could have a pack for like, two weeks and now i am going through about two a week. this is no bueno. i blame parliament lights and their appealing recessed filter and regal packaging. oh hell, i want one right now! all i have are two packs of crappy kools i got free in san fran. the girl who was giving them out looked at me like i was insane and said “i don’t know, i don’t smoke!” when i asked her what the difference in the taste between the “groove” and “vibe” flavors was. i chose groove, fyi.

i was going to quit proper when i turned twenty-six, but instead i started smoking more than ever. i am really going to quit after i lose twenty pounds, i swear. i don’t even like smoking that much, i just always need to have something in my mouth. plus, smoking is giving me party voice. i hate party voice, it has always been my pet peeve. you know that girl that sounds perpetually hoarse like she has been “PARTYING SO HARD MAN!” gross. i am so her right now, have been for weeks.

i am planning on really quitting soon though and taking better care of my skin and body. my skin looks 4bd3ed42034e8edd465a89c723ceab90_2terrible because of all the smoke, booze, n’ stress. i’m going to go into semi-hiding in the near future. as soon as i save enough cash i am gonna get a deep chemical peel, drink eighteen cups of that racist herbal laxative tea and not leave my house for three days. it’s going to be so awesome.

for now i’m pretty excited because i found the $50 gift card to sephora that my ex gave me last christmas. this means i can actually buy foundation instead of living my life lurking in the shadows. i don’t know what kind to get though. should i stick with the obvious classic laura mercier liquid, which goes on and covers like a dream, go with the slightly messy but skin-perfecting bare minerals, try something new like the benefit play stick foundation my roomate swears by, or look into something entirely new and ridiculously expensive? i just DON’T KNOW. oh, i guess these are just the kind of predicaments people with money have to deal with. siiigh. oh, and by “people with money” i mean people with old, scratched-up gift cards that are a symbol of someone’s last, desperate attempt to buy their love. yeah, that’s what i mean.

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fergaliscious/handjobs

May 23, 2007 Amanda-Faye beauty, consume, culture, dance!, el sexo, fat, musica, reviews, this just in

Ferg_6 okay, so, i have a few things on my mind. the first is obviously fergie of the black eyed peas and solo fame. i say “obviously” because it is so not obvious. as you all know, i hate fergie… or so i THOUGHT. upon careful consideration i realized that i actually enjoy fergie, the woman. she seems like a real kick. i just hate her music. but wait, why do i LOVE the song “glamorous”? it is just so good. so bad it’s good! it might have something to do with it playing 500,000,000 times while molly and sarah were here, but for some reson i really enjoy it. i always sing along to it and accidently sing “g-l-a-m-o-U…” and then feel like an idiot because everyone in the club must think i can’t spell. not so! i just spell glamourous the british way. duh.

anyways, i am also thoroughly enjoying the new radio station in l.a. called movin 93.9. it rules. where else can i listen to both 50 cent and lionel ritchie? seriously, the other day they played that lionel song “all night long” and i thought to myself “i should change this. this is wrong…. but i want to hear it…” and it was just a real pickle to be in. then i realized that it was okay to listen to it because it was playing on the station i was ALREADY listening to. thank god. fiesta forever!

in other news, i have decided to re-embark on my starvation diet. this diet, to remind you, includes mainly slim fast, cigarettes, ice chips, and shame. so i was at target and i decided to buy a twelve pack of slim fast optima and also a twelve pack of target brand ultimate diet shake and do a taste test showdown, as the target brand is a whopping $2 cheaper than the name brand. the only problem was i bought the slim fast in chocolate and the target brand in vanilla. so really, the taste test is compromised. i will tell you that the sf brand is 100 times thicker than the target brand, which is basically vanilla water (yum), and therefore is probably way more filling. i can’t tell you for sure yet at this time though, because i washed down my first round of diet shakes with thai noodles.

what i can tell you for certain, however, is that target brand “compare to playtex” tampons do NOT Thumb_ggmultipack38046 compare to playtex. i buy playtex tampons because as they absorb moisture, they open all the way around, like a gentle flower. other brands, such as tampax, get longer and fatter. this creates a situation in which you know to change your tampon because it begins to actually emerge from your pussy. now, maybe i have a shallow vagina or something, but in general i find this to be fairly vexatious. well friends, just fyi, the target brand “playtex” tampons do that too. they are not like playtex at all, not at all!

well, that’s about all i have to say re: consumer affairs. i was beginning to worry that my poverty was turning me into a butch because i am so poor that looking at the sephora catalogue didn’t even give me half a boner, but now i have spent a good half a paragraph talking about my va-jay-jay, so i feel whole again. plus the whole catalogue is practically about bronzer and i have already found my fav bronzer (NARS laguna, if you will recall) and i dunno why everyone is so obsessed with being tan anyway.

it is nearly five a.m. and i have a job interview tomorrow. i have decided that i don’t think i can keep my job at Buffalo Kitchen because it is nipping away at the last few drops of my dignity. i am not a proud person (obviously) but i don’t like feeling stupid and i think everyone at Buffalo Kitchen thinks i am some kind of idiot because i refuse to learn how and where to seat the “guests.” the harsh truth is that i simply don’t care. i am sorry, i simply don’t care to know how! if you ask me, the servers should be standing at the host stand, gnashing their teeth at one another to get those “guests” and the tips they hold within their wallets. instead, they get mad every time i seat someone in their section. hostess, indeed! my idea of being a true hostess would include at least giving a hand job, and a tip for ME. seriously, i would take more pride in that.

so there you have it. not only do i like a fergie song, but i am chubby, have a tiny ‘gina, and would totally give $10 hand jobs.

okay, so why do i love myself more than EVER right now?

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rule #4

February 22, 2007 Amanda-Faye fat, super-important rules

never lose too much weight. if you lose all this weight, then people who barely know you think they can come up to you and say “oh.my.god! you look GREAT. look how skinny you are. before, you were all fat, and gross and, like, unlovable, but now you look amazing! you look almost like a human being worthy of respect and dignity!!!”

then, when you inevitably gain some of that weight back, those people just walk by you, silently shaking their heads.

trust me, i know this. two years ago i was forty pounds heavier than i was last year, and a year ago i was ten pounds thinner than i am now. oh, let me tell you, what a mindfuck it was to suddenly be able to wear clothes that were in the “average” sizes. to walk into a clothing store and buy anything at all. i mean, most of my clothes are second-hand because i like it that way, but it was nice to have the option.

now that have gained some weight, i face losing that and i really don’t know what to think. part of me wants to be like, “fuck those body fascists, i look hot!” but the other part is in a state of sheer panic and has already created a shopping list for the next grocery trip in her mind, consisting of 2 twelve packs of diet rite and a sack of cashews.

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the fat leading the blind

January 5, 2007 Amanda-Faye beauty, culture, fat

so i’m on craigslist for the last THREE HOURS perusing jobs when i finally find a hostess job that doesn’t require prior experience, admits to being easy, and pays $10/h plus tips that claims to add up to about $20/h, and then it’s like “applicant must send photo with resume and be comfortable wearing a girls’ baby t-shirt.” aw, fuck. what the hell is wrong with this town? i should send a pic of myself wearing this:41722523_150x150_front_colorpinksalmonjp

my new sourse of bitterness is beauty and the geek. i never watch that show because i… well, i don’t want to, so forgive me if i’m a little off here, but it seems to me that the point is that the viewer is supposed to make fun of the “beauties” (i use the term loosely, as i feel that sporting extensions and/or 507303804
frosty lipstick automatically calls this trait into question, especially if it’s Revlon *shudder*) for being stupid and the “geeks” for being… smart… (haha, what a dumbass, he’s SMART, hahahahahaha. huh?) and lacking in social skills. wait, but then, toward the end, you realize that the beauties are solid gold because they have brought the geeks out of their shell and shown them how to have a good time, and the geeks are so grateful for this, that they can see past the glowing white teeth, the smooth, luminous skin, the perky breasts, and develop an affection for these women, in spite of all their faults. wow, that’s really great. what we have learned here is the classic tale whispered into our sweet ears from the time we were only little girls: “it doesn’t matter how smart you are, as long as you are pretty. and just for the record, the man you choose doesn’t have to be attractive at all, as long as you are. did i mention you will die alone otherwise? goodnight, princess!”

please god, WHY? why is this boring old tale supposed to warm our hearts? this show is for people that cried watching “shallow hal.”

now, if you will excuse me, i am going to go put on my “i had a nightmare i was a brunette” belly shirt and smoke a cigarette in the rain.

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