i have been feeling like a bit of a bummer these days, so anything that makes me smile is much appreciated. thanks to one of my favorite blogs, gaycondo, i have been introduced to the hilarity that is sarah haskins’ “Target: Women” videos. she serves up brilliant comedic analyses on how the media, advertising specifically, targets women in bizarre and sometimes downright insulting ways.
this is familiar territory for me, as i think about this quite a bit, but sarah brings up some things i never really thought about before, like why birth control is sold as period control and not, um, BABY REDUCER. i guess it never occurred to me as a gay lady who takes birth control to control her periods (they are about 9-10 days otherwise) that most women who take the stuff do so to stay kidfree. with all the sexuality on tv, this is just kind of appalling. women have sex! FOR FUN!
here is the birth control video. it’s LOL funny, so watch at work with caution.
this one on chick flicks had joe and i both in hysterics over “friend-o’s” alone.
and finally, this one made me laugh a lot…
because it’s true, then days later i heard about this:
splenda with fiber!!! fiber in your artificial sweetener. talk about a target audience.
of course you know, however, i WILL be purchasing this. i love a little extra boost of fiber. i’ll let you know how it works.
anyway, as if we needed another reason why australia is so much more awesome than the usa, check out this commercial michael k. posted on Dlisted yesterday:
banned in the usa, of course! this is the kind of marketing genius we need. it’s a BIG FRIENDLY BEAVER. hillllarious!
anyway, speaking of beavers…
well, wait, i know most of you are waiting with bated breath (haha) for me to speak out on the recent injustice of Proposition 8 passing in my state of CA, but truthfully so many of my great blogging colleagues have spoken up so eloquently on the subject, i just don’t feel it necessary just now. i’m sure it will come up again because this is shaping up to be THE topic and THE civil rights issue of our time, but my sadness and anger has, through all the marching i have done (and will continue to do starting this saturday), turned into hope, real hope and pride in my community. it just doesn’t seem to warrant a rant at this time.
BUT, i will take you on a small mini-rant regarding another injustice.
first of all, let me be clear, i am part of the faction of society that hates the word “moist.” god almighty, do i hate it! i also never thought i would buy moist wipes. i have friends who always have a pack of moist wipes or baby wipes by their toilets and i would just think to myself, “really? triple-ply paper is not enough, huh? gotta have a wet bum, huh? i don’t get it.” add that to the fact that one of my main pet peeves, as you may know, is to be damp in any way unless i am showering or swimming, and there you have it.
well, as we are all aware, life tends to take one on different journeys and minds and hearts can always be changed. as it turns out, wipes are great to have around for pre- and post-sex freshening. at my work (oh yeah, i work at a sex shop now. more on that later. maybe.) we have things called like SexxNaps or CumCleen, but truthfully unless they are anti-bacterial and being used to clean toys and such, plain baby wipes or moist wipes do the job and are way cheaper. so, yeah, even though usually i like things with sex-related names or that smell like mango or have a specific purpose and snappy packaging (i am an ad executive’s dream), i have been feeling pretty thrifty lately, so i decided to head out to the local target for this wipe expedition.
i don’t usually buy generic brand products. i know it’s RIDIC and wrong, but i am a 27 year-old woman that has grown to know and love her Opti-Free brand contact lens solution and i know the CVS brand says “compare to Opti-Free” on the side and costs half the price, but i do not care! well, for some reason, i tend to make many exceptions to this when it comes to target brand. i don’t know if it’s because it is a name i trust or if it’s the clean, appealing packaging, or even the quirky commercials, but i feel okay with target brand.
as further evidence that i am rapidly turning into a memaw, my new favorite thing is reading ingredients and comparing prices on EVERYTHING, even wet wipes. as i did this, i discovered that the target brand actually seemed to have the fewest confusing ingredients (hydrogenated oils are in some of the other brands. i know they won’t clog my arteries from there, but still, do i want to rub them on my precious gem? not really) and were (duh) the cheapest. i decided to then check out some of the ones that are made specifically for women. this makes no sense, as the products are essentially the same, but i tend to be drawn to products for women. my old roommate ashlee made so much fun of me the time i got athlete’s foot from standing in the salon all day and bought anti-fungal foot creme for women. what? it was purple and had extra moisturizers! and she still stole it and used it all when she needed it. anyway, in doing this comparison between the wet wipes, i discovered that the target brand wipes for women have the same ingredients, fewer wipes, yet are more expensive than the general ones! and the packaging is far-less user-friendly! very upsetting indeed.
i mean, we all know these “for women” products are a ploy, even i know that, but i guess i expected better from the normally fine value that is target generics. i almost purchased cottonelle, always, or even loves baby wipes in protest, but in the end the low low price, simple ingredients, and e-z pop box of the target brand wet wipes won me over. maybe i will say “screw the man” and refill the box with unscented baby wipes when i’m done with them.
i am currently on a mission to try and not look like a sea hag every day. it’s not really that hard, i guess. the hardest part used to be doing my hair, but when i became a woman (three years ago), the ability to style my hair properly finally took hold and now, for the most part, my hair always looks presentable-to-nice-to-luscious.
one thing i have had trouble with over the last several years is being too damn lazy to do my makeup. i know this is shocking to those of you who know i own a mountain of cosmetics, the monetary value of which could probably send two or three orphans to college, but it’s true.
i must first note that i totally respect the decision some girls make not to wear makeup at all. most of my most beautiful friends don’t even know how to hold a mascara wand. but the fact remains, however shallow, that makeup makes ugly people look way less ugly, sometimes even pretty. i discovered when i was around 21 that when i go out, even grocery shopping or to the mall, that people are WAY nicer to me when i’m wearing a full face than when i am makeup free (aka foundation only… ha! like i’d EVER leave the house without foundation). the radical, status quo hating feminist in me understands fully that this is wrong and everyone should be treated equally despite how they look, because we all have something special shining inside, but my fug-hating eyes know exactly how they feel.
the point of this all is that recently my quest for simple beauty was made much easier. i have been using and enjoying MAC studio fix liquid in NC25 with MAC mineralize skinfinish in medium over it. i love the way this looks. the studio fix liquid is a dream foundation, with great coverage, blendability, the famously wonderful MAC color selection, and none of the pore-clogging effects i have found with studio fix powder (which it broke my heart when i had to stop using it. best powder foundation EVER other than that.) right before dinah, though, i decided i needed a makeup that would be a little more hassle-free, sun, and sweat-friendly, so i repurchased bare minerals at sephora. every time i stop using this stuff then buy it again, i am reminded of why i love it so much. the coverage is brilliant, it looks like real skin (some people call that “shiny” but i always get compliments on my “glow”), and it stays on really well, even through a night of dancing. i apply it with the MAC 182 buffer brush, which is a short-handled, ultra-fluffy kabuki brush. I LOVE THIS BRUSH! it’s so soft and luxurious, and at $45 it’s cheaper than many luxe brushes on the market. it applies the minerals perfectly, with plenty of coverage but not too cakey.
what i’m REALLY excited about from MAC, though, is the recent launch of their Heatherette for MAC line. for those not in the know, Heatherette is a design duo out of NYC. richie rich and traver rains create outrageous, fun, over-the-top designs that are inspired by glitter, club kids, and self-described freaks. the fabulous amanda lepore is one of their muses. one of their runway shows featured lepore and recently-retired porn superstar jenna jameson as models. i was looking forward to the MAC launch because i knew that the colors would be very girlie and hopefully involve a lot of pink. then, when the Fafi for MAC line came out and the colors were so blah, disappointing, and overly-glittery, i became worried. luckily, i had no need to fear! the Heatherette line is absolutely GORGEOUS! i seriously would have bough every single lipstick, lipgloss, and powder if i could. in the end, i bought the beauty powder in “alpha girl”, a warm, sheer pink with a slight sheen. it’s very pale, but as colors tend to oxidize and darken on me, it shows up nicely as a natural flush. the compact is so so pretty too (bright bubblegum pink with a Heatherette logo disco ball). i also got the lipstick in “melrose mood”, an opaque pepto-pink, and “lollipop loving”, which is a beautiful medium peach with a green/gold shimmer. “lollipop loving” is the more wearable of the two, but i really love oddly opaque light-colored lipsticks like “melrose mood”, especially with a summer tan.
the collection is mostly sold out on MAC’s website, but i had no trouble finding it in stores a few weeks ago. i would definitely recommend the beauty powder and “lollipop loving” lipstick. all i have to do is dash these on, along with some black eyeliner on my lower lids and a coat of mascara, and i look summer-ready. if i’m feeling sassy, i have been wearing a bit of eyeshadow again as well, which is a nice touch. if all goes well with my new non-haggard look, i will be earning less and less disdain everywhere i go!
p.s. PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD go here to watch the Heatherette for MAC video. there is no way to embed it here, but it is the gayest thing ever and makes me feel all warm inside. why was i born with a vagina? i was meant to run free with the fags!
p.s.s. this man, andre j, international model and covergirl, is my new favorite person. i’m SO OVER lesbians with mustaches. queens with full beards = so all about.
i am well-aware that to most of you these “list” posts seem like a cop-out as opposed to the hard-hitting journalistic style you are used to from Amanda: Failure Princess (HAHAHAHA), but it’s monday, which, if you don’t know, is my sunday. fyi, tuesday is also my sunday and wednesday is my friday, as at this time, for the most part, i seem to be somewhat unemployed. it’s a real bummer on many accounts, the first of which is that my boss’ daughter is seriously ill. she is set to make a great recovery, but obviously this has been a blow to her family and friends. right now my boss is really busy with her daughter and such, as to be expected, but that means my duties are on a bit of a hiatus, which is very bad for little old me, who is without another part-time job to rely upon. the good news is, i have applied for a part-time gig that would pretty much be a dream job for me. i had an interview on friday, and i think it went really well, but they’re not sure right now how much help they need. cross your fingers for me that it works out, then maybe eventually i will tell you what it is… maybe… i’m a bit nervous about revealing where i work, as i DO have a couple of stalkers. okay, fine, most of them live at least 20 hours away, but still….
anyway, this list is called “things that are ruining my life right now” and they are as follows:
1) haagen dazs vanilla honeybee ice cream: see, i’m not supposed to be eating sugar, or honey, and this ice cream contains both sweeteners. OMG it’s so fucking delicious! i’m kind of obsessed with honey right now, and i like that this ice cream gives me an way to avoid my terrible secret, that i like vanilla better than chocolate. i’m pretty sure they can take away my womanhood for that one, but it’s the truth, god help me, the truth! it’s limited edition, for now, so get some while you can!
2) the television show “friday night lights”: joe got me hooked on watching this on the internet at nbc.com and now i am completely addicted. i stayed up until 9:30 a.m. last week watching season one and what do you think i’m doing up right now? THAT’S RIGHT, season two. this show is actually unbelievably well-written and entertaining, even if you are not a fan of football, male bonding, or coming-of-age stories (p.s. if you don’t like coming-of-age stories, you have no soul!). one of the things i like most about the show is that it manages to use modern pop culture references without seeming cheesy or forced. like when julie walks up to her young, hot english teacher and says “here’s your jose gonzales cd back, like i promised” it doesn’t induce an eyeroll. as is the case with many well-written, quality, critically-acclaimed shows, “friday night lights” has struggled with ratings. according to joe it is coming back for another season, much to the delight of die-hard fans. i’ve got to say, i’m pretty excited about it.
3) the new kylie minogue album X: finally released in the US last week!!! of course, then i found a brand new “used” copy of the dutch special edition import. I CAN’T LISTEN TO ANYTHING ELSE! it is absolutely amazing! kylie’s album fever is what i consider absolute pop perfection, and i think X comes pretty damn close to that. my favorite tracks are 2Hearts, Like A Drug, In My Arms, Speakerphone, Sensitized, and Wow, which is my absolute fav and the official song of dinah shore weekend, even though we only heard it once. in the car as we were pulling up to the hotel. whatever, it’s so good! i definitely think it should have been the first single release in the US, or at least Speakerphone. instead they chose All I See, which is kinda r&b and very danceable, but not nearly as hot as some of the other tracks on the album. i think they don’t think america is ready for pure electro-pop but i don’t think that’s true. i could easily hear almost this whole album being played on the radio. it’s not selling like hotcakes here, so american readers, PLEASE check it out and buy a copy. i want kylie to come play a gig in the states! i would DIE to see her live!
well, guys, i guess that’s all for now. i mean, a lot of different things are ruining my life, but most of them aren’t fun like these three. i has a great weekend, but i’m exhausted and don’t know what i’m going to do with my life, blah blah blah. you know the song.
first things first, i am pretty sure you guys all understand this, but i want to remind you just in case you forgot: i write these generally between 2-6 a.m. because i am a crazed night owl, so when i say “today” it means yesterday to you, and “yesterday” means the day before, etc etc.
so, regarding “today,” i had one of those not leaving the house all day life sucks bummer bummer days again, but that’s mostly because i cannot seem to shake these cold-like symptoms and also i went to long beach last night to hang out with the lbc crew and i drank a little too much because… well… i was in long beach.
i’m having serious self-esteem issues right now on account of the feeling that i’m wearing a fat suit on the day to day, so it was probably not the best idea to then, as my only outing of the day today, go try on a bunch of hideous clothes, but my mom came home and insisted that i go to kohl’s with her, so i did. YES I SAID KOHL’S. my mom loves the new kohl’s they put in in our neighborhood something awful. man, does she love it! it was actually a kind of nice outing in which we bonded over choosing colorful new bathroom rugs and a shower curtain, but then she asked me to look for something to wear to the women’s luncheon we are going to this weekend. trying on clothes at kohl’s of all places is not what you wanna do when you are depressed and fat. it’s a wonder i didn’t kill myself then and there with the pointy end of a clothes hanger, but somehow i made it out with a very simple but cute black blouse for saturday. when i get fat i instantly go goth, it’s actually very sexy. hahahaha.
speaking of sexy, my friend baby d always smells really good and she refuses to tell anyone what it is she wears. i tried to explain that it’s not really my jam anyway and i just wanted to know out of curiosity, but her lips are sealed. i think this plan is actually quite genius, very sexy and mysterious-like. i would steal it, in fact, but i already told the world that my signature scent is christian dior miss dior cherie. this truth was threatened recently, however, when my mom found this extra bottle of it she bought last christmas when she bought one for me. one morning i woke up with a start, sniffing like a hound because i smelled it in the air as she was leaving for work. the following evening i politely (shrilly) explained to her that as my mother she is not allowed to jack my signature scent! first of all, the strawberry, raspberry sorbet, and caramel corn notes in the scent are far too unsophisticated for a woman of her age and stature, and secondly i have a very very strong sense of scent-memory, and i cannot feel like i smell like my mother when she’s headed to work in the morning as i do the things i do on a daily basis, which generally involve booze and sex. just kidding! mostly. i don’t drink every day. usually.
i do, however, usually wear miss dior cherie every day because it is heavy and womanly enough for night, but also young and fruity enough for warm weather, day, and a girl my age. good stuff. some days i switch it up though, because even though i decided when i turned 25 i needed a signature scent, i am still a perfume whore. for xmas i got a bottle of yellow mat by masaki matsushima, which i have been dying to have for AGES. it basically looks and smells like sunshine in a bottle, with notes of citrus, watermelon, and then watery woods. the only problem i have with it is that it doesn’t seem to me that it lasts at all, but when i wear it i always get compliments, so i guess maybe it just wears off for the wearer. oh, also, it is this close to smelling like d&g light blue and moschino i love love, both of which i love in the bottle and on others, but smell like ass on me. yellow mat smells good on me, but it has similar dry down notes so i always get nervous for a second.
then there is the matter of the new scent joe got me for vday, escada moon sparkle. i feel like that one is good for layering because it adds that fruitiness that i like. people always wrinkle their nose at fruity of foody perfumes, but i found i get so many compliments when i wear them! weird. joe does really hate my comptoir sud pacifique vanille abricot though. he makes a hideous face every time i get in the car wearing it, opens the window, and says “babe, you smell like ice cream!” EWWW ICE CREAM?!?!?! whatever, joe, what do you know? i had to explain to him that that fragrance is very popular, somewhat expensive, and from france! he did not care. the good news is i think i have discovered my new backup signature scent, should my mom, my grandma, or, say, joe himself ever decide that they too must smell like fruity lady popcorn. the new one from versace is super feminine and very floral, as you can imagine by the maker and the bottle, but it is also has a freshness to it and a slight sparkle that makes me want to check it out. i know it’s the last thing i need, but what do i need really? besides money, stability, and the sweet relief that my injured mind craves day-in and day-out?
whatever, i also need a decent fucking mascara. i still have not found my holy grail of mascaras, but i have been buying and enjoying telescopic by l’oreal since i made this post, which is a big deal for me because normally i have no mascara attention span what-so-ever. recently i decided to stray, though not too far, to try l’oreal telescopic clean definition mascara. HUGE mistake. let me give you a tip that i have finally learned for myself: in the mascara world, “clean” means “invisible,” at least on me. i have decent eyelashes, but my eyes are really tiny, so i like lots of drama to make them stand out. i’m not talking drag queen-style (well, sometimes i do break out the falsies), but i want big, full lashes. no go with this, folks. it has the same shape of brush as original telescopic, meaning it’s one of those comb-style brushes that should apply a lot of product for volume, but still define the lashes well once you learn not to be too heavy-handed. what they have done with this version is made the brush out of that squishy rubber all the companies are using now to tout their wands as “clump-free.” the problem with “clump-free” is it usually also means there won’t be too much volume, so i would only recommend this if you already have lots of lash or if you are looking for the natural look. even then, though, this stuff if a little too gooey and wet upon application and smears and flakes a bit. no go. oh ps i also tried that new cover girl mascara “lash blast” that drew barrymore is whoring and there is NO BLAST. same problem with the rubber bush, no volume. nothing. invisible. i guess there are bigger problems in the world, but it would be nice to settle this mascara thing once and for all. i think i will try one of the newer MAC formulas next, since i can buy them for cheap with my pro card.
well, this weekend is going to be another mellow one in preparation for good times ahead. the next three weekends are going to be kinda crazy so i better rest my pipes. my throat feels like it’s bleeding. no bueno.
i have been trying to focus and write something for the better part of three hours, but i am not in the mood. i’m not in a bad mood, per se, but i just don’t feel like writing, which is unpleasant. tonight i had the revelation that i write way too much about joe and then i asked joe about it and he said “yeah, people always ask me why your blog is about me.” what??? RUDE. while i know him well and i’m pretty fucking sure he is exaggerating, i am not going to ignore this statement because obviously it’s not completely pulled out of his ass, as i was thinking it myself.
look people, it’s not like i think i am the first person to ever fall in love, it’s just that this is the first time i myself have ever been in love at a way-too-late to bloom age and it’s making me insane! every time i have one of those moments of pure joy that people in love are supposed to feel, i burst into tears or at least just get really depressed because i know it can’t last forever. i guess i have always been like this was since i was a child. i feel like i can specifically remember crying hysterically when a perfectly cheerful book or movie was about to end. i don’t believe that happiness is the natural state of being for me, so clearly no good can come of this. i also feel so lucky to have met you-know-who, because he’s purely the perfect person for me, and as a few simple clicks into the archives of Amanda: Failure Princess will illustrate all too perfectly, i have shit for luck, so it’s no wonder that i am just kind of skulking around lately, waiting for life to kick me in the face.
point is i am sorry, dear readers, that you are having to share this journey with me. if it helps, i am going to try and post such things on my myspace blog, which is mostly public. i rarely write in because of this here blog, but it becomes absolutely necessary in situations exactly like this.
now on to the subject at hand: musica! this weekend was destined to be chill because wednesday night i went to dyke night at the eagle (like i do every wednesday) to celebrate my bday with some friends and ended up getting so wasted i came home and picked an insane blackout fight with joe which culminated in my marching down his street at 4 am in my bra, underpants, and an open flannel shirt dragging along a suitcase. but then joe came and rescued me from sleeping in my car, we had make-up sex, and i spent the whole entire next day in bed. suffice it to say, i had to beg for his forgiveness and i am lucky he still loves me. i can’t drink kamikazes… i have had a disaster each time i have and still haven’t learned. sad. by friday we were both officially sick with a cold, but we felt well enough to hit up amoeba music with my bff jenny.
i, of course, forgot my music list, so as usual i was wandering lost around the huge record store. what i did find was a copy of the el perro del mar cd used, which i have been looking for for a while. i had the mp3s but they kinda sucked, which is why i don’t really use filesharing programs. i was trying to decide what to get, because i really want to get the newest pj harvey album “white chalk,” but the iTunes version is cheaper and has a bonus track. from the songs i have heard on her myspace page, it’s really different for her and i like it a lot.
oh, okay, first i have to mention that all i ever listen to these days is radio hip hop hits and dance music. i am way too lazy to research new music and i’m super picky about what i listen to when it comes to indie, rock, or singer/songwriter stuff, so i just kind of stick with what i know when i’m in the mood. i had an accidental subscription to eMusic once a while ago and i found that was a much more user-friendly way than iTunes to discover new artists, especially independent and female ones, but i couldn’t afford to keep that subscription going. that’s the other reason i mostly listen to top 40 (besides that i love it, because damnit, i do!), i am too broke to afford to buy music usually and one can always count on a good friend to just hand them a mix cd with the latest britney on it, or whatever.
also at amoeba they were having a “cd single blowout” sale, which was kind of both awesome and depressing. awesome because i got a mint copy of the helium superball maxi-single and a cd of a bunch of annie “hearbeat” remixes with bonus tracks for only $1.99, but depressing because they also had some rare-ish bjork and tori amos singles in there for similarly low prices, all of which i already own and painstakingly collected for years. i know that’s just the way of modern technology, but man, it sure is painful and strange. the good news is in the same bin i also scored an extremely gently used copy of the bird and the bee “please clap your hands” ep for $3.99. this convinced me that these days people obviously just buy cds, rip them onto their computers, and sell them right back. it makes perfect sense in a way, because while you may not be getting back what you paid for it, what is it really worth sitting collecting dust in your cd collection? i hadn’t even touched a cd in months until friday night, i swear! i asked joe if he thought there would ever be a cd nostalgia like the vinyl one and he said “no.” i guess people really like the sound of vinyl, while cds are just transportation for the digital recording. hmm. on a side note, i think that pj harvey would sound better on vinyl, so i’m thinking of getting my record player fixed with my bday money.
is it wrong that i owe nearly $500 in parking tickets, but i don’t have the kind of money to cover them all at once, so i’m just not going to pay them at all? i am incapable of sorting my life out, but sometimes it just sorts itself out. for example, two or three years ago i lost my drivers’ license while making xmas gift returns and never got a new one because i was too lazy to go to the dmv. luckily, this year my license is up for renewal and they are sending me a new one! see, all it took was three years of driving around risking ticketing and/or arrest and the problem was solved. presto!
also for my bday i got an iTunes gift card, so i bought the album “a girl called eddy” by a girl called eddy. her music is am.az.ing! i discovered it that time i had eMusic and just never got around to buying the whole thing. it’s so good! she sounds like a cross between karen carpenter and dusty springfield and some of her lyrics are just brilliant. my fav songs are “somebody hurt you” and “golden.” the trouble is, this album came out in 2004 and there hasn’t been too many peeps since then. she doesn’t even have an official website, but check out her myspace to listen to some songs and then get the album cause the whole thing is pretty good. i miss having cds i can just put in and listen to all the way through. this is kind of one of those.
of course, with my luck, i actually purchased my first-ever full-length album from iTunes the day before i received the gift card. i got kate nash “made of bricks” and i am liking it so far. i’m glad i decided to get it on iTunes because a hard copy would not have been necessary, and again, it came with bonus tracks.
kate nash “foundations” video
this is the first song that ever got me into kate nash and it so so good! it makes me really sad and it’s also a funny, clever song. her voice isn’t mind-blowing, and i do understand the lily allen comparisons, but i like her style and music much better.
video of the bird and the bee performing their cover of the beegees’ “how deep is your love” with sia at the troubador
i am just getting into the bird and the bee and i like them a lot. many of their songs are kind of background music-y but i feel like that’s okay because the singer’s voice is so pretty and the songs that do stand out are really great. sia is another artist i have been meaning to check out. all the lesbos i know went nuts for her song “breathe me,” so i though it was extra-amusing when i read that she recently came out as dating her first girlfriend. she described her girlfriend as “like a boy” which also piqued my interest because i almost feel like butch/femme couples have gone underground these days. as i found out a few days later, her gf is supposedly jd samson from le tigre. this makes perfect sense because i saw jd three weeks or so ago at the eagle in l.a. and was semi-star struck, only because we ran into each other by the restroom and she was really sweet. anyway, she was with this adorable girl who was dressed so so so cute and had a little blonde bob with bangs. DUH! it was sia! they were so cute together i almost died.
on that note, i will leave you with the video of ellen page’s lesbian skit saturday night on SNL. many people are speculating that this is her subtle way of coming out. i thought that at first too, but it could also be poking fun at how everyone thinks she’s a lez. i don’t really care, i just think she’s hot and i do love her butchy swagger. the sketch is hilarious too. my favorite part is when she says “i’m finally burning bright with sister fire.” LOL!
the sally hansen brazilian bikini waxing and shaping kit has all you need to trim and wax your bikini area into the perfect, sexy shape. omg, i just wrote that myself. should i go into marketing? methinks yes! anyway, inside this box you will find a container of hard (also called stripless) wax, which is, in many opinions, the superior type of wax for delicate areas such as the vajayjay. this is because it adheres to the hair and not the skin, and when used properly can be a much more precise tool for shaping the bikini line. the wax is hard at room temp, but melts in the microwave. when applied in the direction of hair growth to the area to be waxed, it hardens into a kind of strip, which you of course (of course!) remove by holding the skin taut and pulling against the hair growth, taking the hair with it. traditional wax is applied the same way, but remains tacky upon application, at which time a strip of cotton or muslin is applied with pressure to the area and removed also in the same fashion. traditional wax works best for larger areas like the legs, arms, and back (hehe). every professional bikini wax i have ever had was with this soft kind of wax, and in the hands of the right technician, it has always been fine, but i have wanted to try having it done by a pro with hard wax for some time now. these tend to be pricier, though, and i am too broke to afford even my bargain wax, hence the waxing kit. also included in the kit are wooden sticks for spreading the wax, tiny rounded-tip safety scissors for trimming (great! very necessary. no more using a crappy, however sharp, old pair of haircutting scissors and running the risk of accidental home labiaplasty), a tiny hand mirror (novel idea, not helpful at all), a pair of disposable spa panties* (snazzy, but pointless since a) in theory you are taking off most or all of the hair**, and b) you are AT HOME), and finally some very helpful azulen post-wax soothing oil.
the other day, as i purchased this for $9.99 from the 24 hour CVS by my mom’s house, i thought to myself, “wait, why the hell do i pay $50+ to get this done professionally when i can just do it at home!”
the answer: because doing it yourself is time consuming and hurts like the motherfucking dickens.
i did this yesterday and it took me about three hours (counting prep, cleanup, and diet coke break), but then, i was sporting a mega-bush due to the aforementioned brokeness and therefore not having been waxed for three months. i finally broke down and got this kit out of sheer desperation.
my first mistake was not trimming enough beforehand. it is essential that the hair be at least 1/4 inch in length, but it should not be longer than a half inch. if you attempt this with longer hair and the stripless wax, you will end up, as i did, with what looks like pubey laffy taffy stuck to your crotch, seemingly impossible to remove. the experts would probably recommend patience and baby oil to remedy such an emergency, but my method is to wait until the wax gets super hard (diet coke break), pray, bite down on a hand towel, and rip that shit off like there’s no tomorrow. i had this problem a few times, even after i trimmed more and more, until i finally got my technique down just right.
as for the shape, normally i would go with the traditional landing strip, but it is my belief that the giant 70s bush is on its way back in, as this is the only logical follow-up to the resurgence of high-waisted pants. the problem with this, as any girl (or guy, i guess)*** who gets waxed will tell you, is that nothing quite compares the the silky-smooth, breezy freedom of nearly hairless genitals. my solution to this conundrum is simple: leave the bush on top and wax the labes and ass crack as usual! i am not looking forward to my waxer’s face when i tell her my new plan. i tried it myself with this waxing kit, but once you start grooming it’s kind of hard to stop, and for a minute there before i trimmed down the bush atop my otherwise baldness, it basically looked like some kind of crazy pussy toupee. not cute.
the other problem i ran into while trying to do the home wax is that it is virtually impossible to wax one’s own ass. no matter how hairless you may think your ass is, you know nothing of smoothness until you have had your entire crack waxed. i would recommend it to anyone, seriously.
overall, i’d say the experience was crappy but necessary. my review of the sally hansen brazilian bikini waxing and shaping kit is that if it must be done, it works great. i definitely feel better smooth, however sore. i will say, though, that i fully intend on saving my pennies next paycheck so i can go back to bella, my favorite crazy russian waxer. but i MUST NEVER TELL HER OF MY HOME ENDEAVOR! she would probably slap me right in the face, not for cheating on her, but for being so insolent. waxers take their jobs very seriously, and now i know why. i don’t think i will even be able to look at the bike i always forget to ride for a whole week! (ps that pic on the right is not of bella. it is the first thing that comes up in google image search for “bikini wax.” wow, male waxer… how modern!)
*some waxing spas offer these for convenience, others require them. if you are getting a brazilian or anything like it, you will need to remove them. spas that only do traditional bikini waxes often require you to wear these during the service.
**technically, for your reference, a brazilian wax is when the hair is removed from the bikini line (line seen outside of panties) inward, leaving a landing strip and the hair on the labia, but waxing the buttocks. a playboy wax is like a brazilian, but the hair is removed from the labia as well, leaving only the strip. these terms are often used interchangeably, and i have only seen a few spas that differentiate the name and price. also, when all the hair is removed, it is apparently called a sphinx wax, but that sounds nerdy, so i’d call it a full wax if i were you. i also totally recommend waxing the labia if you are going to deal with the initial (you get used to it… sorta) humiliation of having your asshole waxed. the bare labes are the best part!
***is anyone else getting really fucking annoyed at how many parentheses i have been using lately? i don’t know why i can’t stop (sorry)!
one of the beautiful things about winter is that it is the perfect time to look inward and start asking yourself those crucial questions like, “amanda, do you ever think or write about anything other than sex toys?”
the answer, thankfully, is no. for that reason, pretty much none of the links in this post are work safe, so DON’T CLICK IF YOU’RE AT WORK.
lately what i have really been becoming aware of is the rise in luxury sex toys. normally, i scoff at things that are insanely expensive but work just the same as cheaper things, especially when it’s something that not very many people are ever going to see. however, when it comes to things that venture in or around my more delicate openings, i am willing to take a different stance. i am a firm believer that sex toys are for the people, but the newer, more expensive varieties have many benefits, such as being made with more healthful materials, easier to sanitize, longer lasting, and more high-tech, if you’re into that sort of thing.
last week i was perusing the website of a uk luxury erotic retailer called coco de mer, which has somewhat recently opened a store in los angeles. this was prompted by an article i read somewhere about brad pitt and angelina jolie stopping in and picking up some goodies there, but i don’t know if it was true and also that is beside the point. while i was on the site, i was trying not to be judgmental. after all, i myself have lusted for years after the jimmy jane little gold, which is ridiculously gold-plated and costs $275, but is also beautiful, tiny, silent, waterproof, and has a replaceable motor. just saying. anyway, some of the toys coco de mer sells just take the luxurious thing a little too far. freshwater pearl anal beads? are you fucking serious? i don’t even really like buying the most expensive brand of toilet paper! the website is replete with other such grandiose yet hurty-sounding items, such as jade cock rings and a sexy whip made of real human hair. ummmm. all of the dildos they carry are of the ultra-hard variety made of jade, glass, or metal. i have never used one of these before, and am a little intimidated by the idea, as i am new to penetration, but after reading the reviews of the njoy pure wand on the babeland website, i am very curious to try it. these hard, curved dildos are specifically designed to stimulate the gspot and make a woman ejaculate, or “squirt.” i believe someone on there described it as “tantamount to opening a faucet” which is kind of gross, but tremendously intriguing, much like any new sexual experience. if i do ever get it, i will definitely buy it from babeland, partially because i find their site to be extremely woman and queer-friendly as well as highly educational, but also because the price is way jacked-up on the coco de mer site.
babeland, like another sex shop i like in l.a. called the pleasure chest, offers a variety of toys ranging in price and quality, which is great. it is very interesting though, to see this sexy/fancy thing catching on all over america. even Carol Wright Gifts, purveyors of fine As Seen on TV kitchen products, bras that look like they could probably deflect a moderate knifing, and who still proudly sell the first vibrator i ever laid my eyes on, now carry the fun factory laya spot vibrator, which is pricier than most, extremely well-reviewed, and also retails at coco de mer, albeit for $20 more. omg, i am also completely obsessed with shop erotic, which is a paid program that airs latenight on the oxygen channel. two women basically just sit/stand there, completely poker-faced, talking about how much they themselves love the toys they are trying to sell. i think it’s absolutely wonderful that sex toys have gone so mainstream! plus, the main host, miyoko, is pretty hot and wears serious glasses. it’s a little annoying that their prices seem high for the quality, but some of the stuff they are selling seems pretty legit. and you know nothing makes my night like hearing a blonde woman (the other host), who looks like the straightest, most vanilla girl in the world, telling america how much she thoroughly enjoys her jelly double dong. LOL. and i adore how often they say the word “dong.” why doesn’t anyone ever say “dong” anymore?
oh yeah, the whole underlying point of this post, though, was that when i was on the coco de mer website i saw this, like, (SUPER NSFW) full-body necklace that eventually leads down to your clit, secretly clipping onto it. wtf, i had never heard of this before, so i felt really dumb. i looked it up. and it turns out there are a million websites selling clit clips. they sure look hilarious to me. i like how this one here has that classic chandelier shape, it’s so classy! you can look at some even funnier pics of them actually on women (ULTRA MEGA NSFW) here, if you dare. after seeing this, i actually wanted to get my hands on one of the big, jeweled ones because i will try anything once if it’s funny or shiny, but joe said no because a) it’s trashy, and b) he does not want me to accidentally cut off all circulation and break my clit.
is that possible? i doubt it. i’m so ordering one of these.
so basically there are no two people in the world i would rather have sex with than victoria and david beckham, together, bad tattoos and all. i don’t care that i’m a lezzer and he has a cock. seriously, if i found out he had SIX penises, i’d take on every one of them just to bathe in the sweat of this gorgeous man and his tiny, glamourous wife with dykey hair. i just think they are so hot. i watched that coming to america special with her in it and while, honestly, i was half-watching it and half looking at new phones on the internet, i could tell she is funny and oh so charming. i want to make out with her really bad. and she is my hero because she always wears heels and isn’t sorry. i was actually quite inspired by that because lately i have been shamed into wearing mostly flats and i am tired of this discrimination. i am a high femme, goddamn it. i thinnnnnk… whatever, i don’t care, i want to bang the beckhams though.
gonna need to buy some new heels, as all of mine are pretty tired, so it’s a good thing i am moving out of my place and saving money next month. if all goes well, my mom will think i am moving home to save some cash but i will secretly be living in silverlake with lacey, my psychic twin and drill sergeant. omg, i am going to get so thin and so in tune with the universe, it won’t even be funny. seriously, it won’t be that funny at all, but it will probs be way more sexy.
like my new phone, the samsung SCH-u740! okay, it’s not that sexy and it’s no iPhone or sidekick, but verizon is lame. great service, crap phones. i like to think of its shimmering, gold exterior as a terrible misstep on a ripoff of the dolce and gabbana gold razr. haha, still, they tried, and the double hinge IS pretty cool. i have never had a phone with a querty keyboard before so i am so going to town. AND i have unlimited AIM and text. pretty exciting. wish i could IM at work like a normal spoiled person :(
i still like my job, but my boss is bumming me out a little. he is way cool normally, but sometimes he starts power-tripping and i don’t know how to handle that, really. i mean, it’s his company and it’s very small, so it’s cool he wants to be involved in every step, but the word “micromanage” comes to mind. not that i even know what that exactly means, b/c i never went to college, you know. anyways, for a non-related illustrative example:
boss: “you pressed the wrong button, this is the right one.” me: ” oh okay, i’m sorry. yeah, i see, that’s the green one, not the red. okay, yes.” boss: “you have to press the green button, not the red one. do you know what i’m saying?” me: “yes, green button. sure that makes way more sense.” boss: “and, you know, when you press a button, you are basically using your finger and applying pressure to it. do you understand what that means?” me: “uh, yeah, i definitely know how to press a button. it’s the green one, i see that now.” boss: “well, let’s sit here and you press the red one, that way you can see how it’s different from pressing the green one.” me: *dying inside*
i can most definitely handle criticism, but i don’t like when someone tells you over and over what you did wrong. i just don’t really learn from that. i also don’t like when they think you fucked up one way, but really you fucked up a different way. i like to OWN my mistakes. the other day i got firmly reprimanded for not listening to the saved messages and no one would listen to me when i was trying to say duh, i totes did listen to them, i just forgot to write one of them down because i am a severely depressed, heavy drinker with sleep disorder. omg, also, today he told us girls we take too many bathroom breaks. i don’t know much about labor history, but i’m pretty sure even those monkeys with typewriters would not have stood for that kind of talk.
in any event, back to sex. i am insanely libidinous lately, which is honestly bizarre and disturbing considering the grief i have been experiencing. or maybe it makes all the sense in the world. i don’t know much about the sexual patterns in my brain and i prefer to keep it that way. just get drunk and fuck! haha, jk. sorta. i have issues… but for now, the matter at hand: i soooo want the cone! the cone is from great britain, just like victoria and david beckham. coincidence? YES! anyway, the cone seems so ridiculous, it just might be amazing! it’s expensive but my friend works at a sex shop, so i can get a discount, and i wanna try this thing! i haven’t bought a sex toy in a long time, though, so maybe i want to get a few instead of blowing so much cash on the cone. aw, but i really like saying “the cone.” hmmm.