Amanda: Failure Princess

spanx

i'm still here, you know. i know some people read this every day and i'm sorry i am a bad blogger (friend? i'd like to think we are friends).

my life is so hectic right now, and yet nothing has changed except my job status, i'm back on the pill (emo wreck but no more epic periods), i now own a pair of very uncomfortable spanx, and i have put way more things in my vagina and ass since last time we talked.

oh yeah, i guess i officially have no shame. before it was like, "OMG, does she have no shame?" and now it's like "SHE HAS NO SHAME!" but i don't care because it's a living. i feel like i am being more true to myself than ever. wait, i just realized that sounds like i am totally a prostitute. i'm not, even though it would be completely valid and okay if i was (but probably not okay with joe). actually,  as i mentioned, i work in a sex shop now.

it has taken over much of my life and, as i said, i cannot figure out how to write about it, or even how to fit writing into my daily life other than the writing i do for work. writing about working and it's many pains is one of my favorite things to do, but right now i love my job, and to write too candidly about it would be betraying a certain trust. i feel like it can, or must, be done for the survival of this blog, but i have yet to figure it all out.

anyway, re: the spanx, i only bought them because i had to go to a wedding. normally i shun spanx and other control top hosiery because, while we can all use a nip in the tum, i don't really like restraining my bubble butt. it's one of my few physical features i actually like, and although it seems to get flatter with age and weight gain, i still try to flaunt it as much as possible. i always thought they should make those things assless. the other reason i hate them is that they tend to roll down at the waist band, which, instead of a flat surface, bisects the tummy area and creates TWO distinct rolls. unsexy. 

i decided to give these a go because i really needed a smooth back silhouette for the thin fabric of my dress, and these particular spanx promised to be high-waisted, thereby doing away with waist-roll and smoothing all the way up to the bra line. well, they work. the reason they work is that an ULTRA TIGHT band at the top goes around your ribs. it took me about 10 minutes to get them on and the whole time i was wearing them, i literally could hear my bones straining. now, three days later, i still have bruises on my ribs. i ended up taking them off halfway through the wedding because after the second time of having to painfully remove them and squeeze them back on to use the toilet, i was done.

i wish i could say that i am totally done with this torture device, but alas, i feel like they could come in handy at some point. plus, and i didn't notice this until i took them off, the crotch is actually open. there are like, two overlapping flaps instead of solid fabric. could this convenient hole be what i think it is? probably not, but i'd be lying if i said i'm not entertaining the idea.

bald in all the wrong places

i am tired. i am pretty sure i am going bald, but also i need a haircut. i like not having to work too much because it gives me time to work on other projects, but i never work on said projects like i should. ugh, so many THINGS. you would think that a person's life would be simple when their only real goals are to be able to afford laser hair removal and to have sex at least every day for the rest of their life. whatever. i'm sorry if i seem lazy, but i officially don't sleep anymore except during the day and it's kind of cramping my style. it doesn't make me want to write at night anymore, it's making me want to do day stuff. actually, scratch that, i have no idea what day stuff even is. 

there will be a lot of goings on in the coming weeks and i will document it well, i promise. taking pictures is my new favorite thing. 

speaking of which, this picture illustrates very well my current season of pleasure and pain. on one hand, i have a gorgeous joe who i love more than anything and who loves me, and on the other i have a rapidly receding hairline. and severe neurotic tendencies. also, what's with the audrina patridge zombie eyes on me? oh well, love that joseph!

even my makeup is gay

i am currently on a mission to try and not look like a sea hag every day. it's not really that hard, i guess. the hardest part used to be doing my hair, but when i became a woman (three years ago), the ability to style my hair properly finally took hold and now, for the most part, my hair always looks presentable-to-nice-to-luscious.

one thing i have had trouble with over the last several years is being too damn lazy to do my makeup. i know this is shocking to those of you who know i own a mountain of cosmetics, the monetary value of which could probably send two or three orphans to college, but it's true.

i must first note that i totally respect the decision some girls make not to wear makeup at all. most of my most beautiful friends don't even know how to hold a mascara wand. but the fact remains, however shallow, that makeup makes ugly people look way less ugly, sometimes even pretty. i discovered when i was around 21 that when i go out, even grocery shopping or to the mall, that people are WAY nicer to me when i'm wearing a full face than when i am makeup free (aka foundation only... ha! like i'd EVER leave the house without foundation). the radical, status quo-hating feminist in me understands fully that this is wrong and everyone should be treated equally despite how they look, because we all have something special shining inside, but my fug-hating eyes know exactly how they feel.

the point of this all is that recently my quest for simple beauty was made much easier. i have been using and enjoying MAC studio fix liquid in NC25 with MAC mineralize skinfinish in medium over it. i love the way this looks. the studio fix liquid is a dream foundation, with great coverage, blendability, the famously wonderful MAC color selection, and none of the pore-clogging effects i have found with studio fix powder (which it broke my heart when i had to stop using it. best powder foundation EVER other than that.) right before dinah, though, i decided i needed a makeup that would be a little more hassle-free, sun, and sweat-friendly, so i repurchased bare minerals at sephora. every time i stop using this stuff then buy it again, i am reminded of why i love it so much. the coverage is brilliant, it looks like real skin (some people call that "shiny" but i always get compliments on my "glow"), and it stays on really well, even through a night of dancing. i apply it with the MAC 182 buffer brush, which is a short-handled, ultra-fluffy kabuki brush. I LOVE THIS BRUSH! it's so soft and luxurious, and at $45 it's cheaper than many luxe brushes on the market. it applies the minerals perfectly, with plenty of coverage but not too cakey.

what i'm REALLY excited about from MAC, though, is the recent launch of their Heatherette for MAC line. for those not in the know, Heatherette is a design duo out of NYC. richie rich and traver rains create outrageous, fun, over-the-top designs that are inspired by glitter, club kids, and self-described freaks. the fabulous amanda lepore is one of their muses. one of their runway shows featured lepore and recently-retired porn superstar jenna jameson as models. i was looking forward to the MAC launch because i knew that the colors would be very girlie and hopefully involve a lot of pink. then, when the Fafi for MAC line came out and the colors were so blah, disappointing, and overly-glittery, i became worried. luckily, i had no need to fear! the Heatherette line is absolutely GORGEOUS! i seriously would have bough every single lipstick, lipgloss, and powder if i could. in the end, i bought the beauty powder in "alpha girl", a warm, sheer pink with a slight sheen. it's very pale, but as colors tend to oxidize and darken on me, it shows up nicely as a natural flush. the compact is so so pretty too (bright bubblegum pink with a Heatherette logo disco ball). i also got the lipstick in "melrose mood", an opaque pepto-pink, and "lollipop loving", which is a beautiful medium peach with a green/gold shimmer. "lollipop loving" is the more wearable of the two, but i really love oddly opaque light-colored lipsticks like "melrose mood", especially with a summer tan.

the collection is mostly sold out on MAC's website, but i had no trouble finding it in stores a few weeks ago. i would definitely recommend the beauty powder and "lollipop loving" lipstick. all i have to do is dash these on, along with some black eyeliner on my lower lids and a coat of mascara, and i look summer-ready. if i'm feeling sassy, i have been wearing a bit of eyeshadow again as well, which is a nice touch. if all goes well with my new non-haggard look, i will be earning less and less disdain everywhere i go!

p.s. PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD go here to watch the Heatherette for MAC video. there is no way to embed it here, but it is the gayest thing ever and makes me feel all warm inside. why was i born with a vagina? i was meant to run free with the fags!

p.s.s. this man, andre j, international model and covergirl, is my new favorite person. i'm SO OVER lesbians with mustaches. drag queens with full beards = so all about.

the sweet smell of moderate success at things no one cares about but me

first things first, i am pretty sure you guys all understand this, but i want to remind you just in case you forgot: i write these generally between 2-6 a.m. because i am a crazed night owl, so when i say "today" it means yesterday to you, and "yesterday" means the day before, etc etc.

so, regarding "today," i had one of those not leaving the house all day life sucks bummer bummer days again, but that's mostly because i cannot seem to shake these cold-like symptoms and also i went to long beach last night to hang out with the lbc crew and i drank a little too much because... well... i was in long beach.

i'm having serious self-esteem issues right now on account of the feeling that i'm wearing a fat suit on the day to day, so it was probably not the best idea to then, as my only outing of the day today, go try on a bunch of hideous clothes, but my mom came home and insisted that i go to kohl's with her, so i did. YES I SAID KOHL'S. my mom loves the new kohl's they put in in our neighborhood something awful. man, does she love it! it was actually a kind of nice outing in which we bonded over choosing colorful new bathroom rugs and a shower curtain, but then she asked me to look for something to wear to the women's luncheon we are going to this weekend. trying on clothes at kohl's of all places is not what you wanna do when you are depressed and fat. it's a wonder i didn't kill myself then and there with the pointy end of a clothes hanger, but somehow i made it out with a very simple but cute black blouse for saturday. when i get fat i instantly go goth, it's actually very sexy. hahahaha.

speaking of sexy, my friend baby d always smells really good and she refuses to tell anyone what it is she wears. i tried to explain that it's not really my jam anyway and i just wanted to know out of curiosity, but her lips are sealed. i think this plan is actually quite genius, very sexy and mysterious-like. i would steal it, in fact, but i already told the world that my signature scent is christian dior miss dior cherie. this truth was threatened recently, however, when my mom found this extra bottle of it she bought last christmas when she bought one for me. one morning i woke up with a start, sniffing like a hound because i smelled it in the air as she was leaving for work. the following evening i politely (shrilly) explained to her that as my mother she is not allowed to jack my signature scent! first of all, the strawberry, raspberry sorbet, and caramel corn notes in the scent are far too unsophisticated for a woman of her age and stature, and secondly i have a very very strong sense of scent-memory, and i cannot feel like i smell like my mother when she's headed to work in the morning as i do the things i do on a daily basis, which generally involve booze and sex. just kidding! mostly. i don't drink every day. usually.

i do, however, usually wear miss dior cherie every day because it is heavy and womanly enough for night, but also young and fruity enough for warm weather, day, and a girl my age. good stuff. some days i switch it up though, because even though i decided when i turned 25 i needed a signature scent, i am still a perfume whore. for xmas i got a bottle of yellow mat by masaki matsushima, which i have been dying to have for AGES. it basically looks and smells like sunshine in a bottle, with notes of citrus, watermelon, and then watery woods. the only problem i have with it is that it doesn't seem to me that it lasts at all, but when i wear it i always get compliments, so i guess maybe it just wears off for the wearer. oh, also, it is this close to smelling like d&g light blue and moschino i love love, both of which i love in the bottle and on others, but smell like ass on me. yellow mat smells good on me, but it has similar dry down notes so i always get nervous for a second.

then there is the matter of the new scent joe got me for vday, escada moon sparkle. i feel like that one is good for layering because it adds that fruitiness that i like. people always wrinkle their nose at fruity of foody perfumes, but i found i get so many compliments when i wear them! weird. joe does really hate my comptoir sud pacifique vanille abricot though. he makes a hideous face every time i get in the car wearing it, opens the window, and says "babe, you smell like ice cream!" EWWW ICE CREAM?!?!?! whatever, joe, what do you know? i had to explain to him that that fragrance is very popular, somewhat expensive, and from france! he did not care. the good news is i think i have discovered my new backup signature scent, should my mom, my grandma, or, say, joe himself ever decide that they too must smell like fruity lady popcorn. the new one from versace is super feminine and very floral, as you can imagine by the maker and the bottle, but it is also has a freshness to it and a slight sparkle that makes me want to check it out. i know it's the last thing i need, but what do i need really? besides money, stability, and the sweet relief that my injured mind craves day-in and day-out?

oh crap.

whatever, i also need a decent fucking mascara. i still have not found my holy grail of mascaras, but i have been buying and enjoying telescopic by l'oreal since i made this post, which is a big deal for me because normally i have no mascara attention span what-so-ever. recently i decided to stray, though not too far, to try l'oreal telescopic clean definition mascara. HUGE mistake. let me give you a tip that i have finally learned for myself: in the mascara world, "clean" means "invisible," at least on me. i have decent eyelashes, but my eyes are really tiny, so i like lots of drama to make them stand out. i'm not talking drag queen-style (well, sometimes i do break out the falsies), but i want big, full lashes. no go with this, folks. it has the same shape of brush as original telescopic, meaning it's one of those comb-style brushes that should apply a lot of product for volume, but still define the lashes well once you learn not to be too heavy-handed. what they have done with this version is made the brush out of that squishy rubber all the companies are using now to tout their wands as "clump-free." the problem with "clump-free" is it usually also means there won't be too much volume, so i would only recommend this if you already have lots of lash or if you are looking for the natural look. even then, though, this stuff if a little too gooey and wet upon application and smears and flakes a bit. no go. oh ps i also tried that new cover girl mascara "lash blast" that drew barrymore is whoring and there is NO BLAST. same problem with the rubber bush, no volume. nothing. invisible. i guess there are bigger problems in the world, but it would be nice to settle this mascara thing once and for all. i think i will try one of the newer MAC formulas next, since i can buy them for cheap with my pro card.

well, this weekend is going to be another mellow one in preparation for good times ahead. the next three weekends are going to be kinda crazy so i better rest my pipes. my throat feels like it's bleeding. no bueno.

will the Failure Princess ever be Queen?

contrary to the rampant rumors making their way around the interwebs, i have not committed suicide, as i promised long ago to do once i turned 27 if i had not accomplished anything significant. i have just been beyond depressed lately and wit completely escapes me. san fran was loads of fun up until the last day, which is really what sank me, plus i got my period that day, plus the afore-mentioned suicide deadline was this past tuesday, my 27th birthday!

i don't even really know why i'm writing this except to say hello. i hate not writing for a whole week, it's silly, but i just can't think of anything funny to say. i wanted to post a video of my new reason for living: the jenny craig commercials featuring queen latifah, but they don't have it on youtube, so you will have to watch it here. the best part is obviously how she keeps it real from the get-go with "i don't watch the scale. that's never been my thing..." while also subtly letting us know with her body language that wearing purple cowl neck sweaters with long, flowy skirts has never been her thing either, along with not being a huge dyke, which is MOST DEFINITELY NOT her thing. she is the biggest lez ever. i actually found the commercial somewhat inspiring though, and i liked the health over forcing thinness upon oneself angle. lord knows queen is never going to look like nicole richie, and thank god for that! she's gorgeous!

in that vein, i found it ironic that i posted this entry about losing weight and what you gain and lose with it exactly a year ago when the other day i stepped on the scale only to discover that i have gained pretty much all the weight i ever lost back. i don't know how that is possible since i still fit onto some of my "skinnier" clothes, but i guess it just kind of creeped up on me. i was barely holding on, well over fighting weight, but still at jean shorts-and-high heels-possibly-getting-laid-tonight weight when i met joe, got laid, fell in love, and totally just lost it. i am in this sort of delusional denial of it all, but all the signs are there. if i see a dress i think will fit me and try it on, it never does. this is a dangerous game when you acquire most of your clothes thrifting, cause sometimes there are no fitting rooms and also to not fit into an awesome dress or blouse is 100,000,000 times more depressing when it's one of a kind. so sad. i've been back to my old tricks of only buying accessories and shoes, but i hadn't even noticed i was doing it! three things are to blame for this (besides me) love, pizza, and american apparel, for making it so easy to live one's entire life in a super-low v t-shirt, showing sexy cleav and not even realizing that your waistline and backfat are slowly but surely obliterating the possibility of you getting onto any tops with buttons in the foreseeable future. none of my favorite vintage dresses or tops fit and i think even my feet have gained weight.

one of the things you take for granted when you lose weight steadily like i did last time is how easy it becomes to look "good" in a photograph. i had completely forgotten the old fat girl days of taking shots at extreme angles, extreme close-ups, or avoiding the camera altogether. suddenly, while there were of course LOTS of awful pics of me, there were a lot of good ones too... and by good i mean thin-looking, even though i realize that is wrong. these days i have to erase just about every pic that is taken of me, which is a damn shame, since i just got a new camera for xmas. to me, all my pictures look kind of like the ones of those who had watched the evil video in "the ring," blobby and awful. horrific.

well, there you have it folks, i am officially a 27 year-old failure, still broke, still fat, and still crazy, if only mildly suicidal. i have decided that since i love joe so much i will give myself one or two more years to live and see if i become famous, and, if not thin, then at least healthy and not giving a shit what anyone thinks, like queen latifah.

too much inFURmation: home bikini wax

the sally hansen brazilian bikini waxing and shaping kit has all you need to trim and wax your bikini area into the perfect, sexy shape. omg, i just wrote that myself. should i go into marketing? methinks yes! anyway, inside this box you will find a container of hard (also called stripless) wax, which is, in many opinions, the superior type of wax for delicate areas such as the vajayjay. this is because it adheres to the hair and not the skin, and when used properly can be a much more precise tool for shaping the bikini line. the wax is hard at room temp, but melts in the microwave. when applied in the direction of hair growth to the area to be waxed, it hardens into a kind of strip, which you of course (of course!) remove by holding the skin taut and pulling against the hair growth, taking the hair with it. traditional wax is applied the same way, but remains tacky upon application, at which time a strip of cotton or muslin is applied with pressure to the area and removed also in the same fashion. traditional wax works best for larger areas like the legs, arms, and back (hehe). every professional bikini wax i have ever had was with this soft kind of wax, and in the hands of the right technician, it has always been fine, but i have wanted to try having it done by a pro with hard wax for some time now. these tend to be pricier, though, and i am too broke to afford even my bargain wax, hence the waxing kit. also included in the kit are wooden sticks for spreading the wax, tiny rounded-tip safety scissors for trimming (great! very necessary. no more using a crappy, however sharp, old pair of haircutting scissors and running the risk of accidental home labiaplasty), a tiny hand mirror (novel idea, not helpful at all), a pair of disposable spa panties* (snazzy, but pointless since a) in theory you are taking off most or all of the hair**, and b) you are AT HOME), and finally some very helpful azulen post-wax soothing oil.

the other day, as i purchased this for $9.99 from the 24 hour CVS by my mom's house, i thought to myself, "wait, why the hell do i pay $50+ to get this done professionally when i can just do it at home!"

the answer: because doing it yourself is time consuming and hurts like the motherfucking dickens.

i did this yesterday and it took me about three hours (counting prep, cleanup, and diet coke break), but then, i was sporting a mega-bush due to the afore-mentioned brokeness and therefore not having been waxed for three months. i finally broke down and got this kit out of sheer desperation.

my first mistake was not trimming enough beforehand. it is essential that the hair be at least 1/4 inch in length, but it should not be longer than a half inch. if you attempt this with longer hair and the stripless wax, you will end up, as i did, with what looks like pubey laffy taffy stuck to your crotch, seemingly impossible to remove. the experts would probably recommend patience and baby oil to remedy such an emergency, but my method is to wait until the wax gets super hard (diet coke break), pray, bite down on a hand towel, and rip that shit off like there's no tomorrow. i had this problem a few times, even after i trimmed more and more, until i finally got my technique down just right.

as for the shape, normally i would go with the traditional landing strip, but it is my belief that the giant 70s bush is on its way back in, as this is the only logical follow-up to the resurgence of high-waisted pants. the problem with this, as any girl (or guy, i guess)*** who gets waxed will tell you, is that nothing quite compares the the silky-smooth, breezy freedom of nearly hairless genitals. my solution to this conundrum is simple: leave the bush on top and wax the labes and ass crack as usual! i am not looking forward to my waxer's face when i tell her my new plan. i tried it myself with this waxing kit, but once you start grooming it's kind of hard to stop, and for a minute there before i trimmed down the bush atop my otherwise baldness, it basically looked like some kind of crazy pussy toupee. not cute.

the other problem i ran into while trying to do the home wax is that it is virtually impossible to wax one's own ass. no matter how hairless you may think your ass is, you know nothing of smoothness until you have had your entire crack waxed. i would recommend it to anyone, seriously.

overall, i'd say the experience was crappy but necessary. my review of the sally hansen brazilian bikini waxing and shaping kit is that if it must be done, it works great. i definitely feel better smooth, however sore. i will say, though, that i fully intend on saving my pennies next paycheck so i can go back to bella, my favorite crazy russian waxer. but i MUST NEVER TELL HER OF MY HOME ENDEAVOR! she would probably slap me right in the face, not for cheating on her, but for being so insolent. waxers take their jobs very seriously, and now i know why. i don't think i will even be able to look at the bike i always forget to ride for a whole week! (ps that pic on the right is not of bella. it is the first thing that comes up in google image search for "bikini wax." wow, male waxer... how modern!)

*some waxing spas offer these for convenience, others require them. if you are getting a brazilian or anything like it, you will need to remove them. spas that only do traditional bikini waxes often require you to wear these during the service.

**technically, for your reference, a brazilian wax is when the hair is removed from the bikini line (line seen outside of panties) inward, leaving a landing strip and the hair on the labia, but waxing the buttocks. a playboy wax is like a brazilian, but the hair is removed from the labia as well, leaving only the strip. these terms are often used interchangeably, and i have only seen a few spas that differentiate the name and price. also, when all the hair is removed, it is apparently called a sphinx wax, but that sounds nerdy, so i'd call it a full wax if i were you. i also totally recommend waxing the labia if you are going to deal with the initial (you get used to it... sorta) humiliation of having your asshole waxed. the bare labes are the best part!

***is anyone else getting really fucking annoyed at how many parentheses i have been using lately? i don't know why i can't stop (sorry)!

old-fashioned, modern, gay romance. and surf 'n' turf.

alright alright, some of you are not going to be very happy with this post, but bear with me, and i promise you very soon i will post something either about getting reamed with a huge silicone cock or crying hot, bitter tears into my vodka soda, whatever floats your boat. i am also working (really hard) on my condom story, so stay tuned.

on to business: my valentine's day gifts! joe and i did i wonderful job of gifting. i know that presents are not the most important thing in the world (HAHA), but when someone gives you a gift that is just so absolutely you, or remembers something you said you liked, it just makes you feel very loved. well, when joe took me to my first gift, i felt more than love. i also felt sheer panic. you see, he took me to sephora, set me loose in the store, and told me to pick out whatever i wanted, within reason. i swear, i almost passed out just then! i wandered aimlessly around the store, then finally had to beg him for help because we were on a time constraint due to our dinner date, and everyone knows i have never actually been inside a sephora for less an hour and a half unless i am making a return. luckily, joe was paying attention and knew exactly what to tell me to buy. i got the new escada seasonal fragrance, "moon sparkle", which is insanely fruityliscious and a must of you're into that sort of thing. it's very close to the one from a few years ago called "ibiza hippie" (bad name, awesome scent. if you ever see an old bottle of this, buy it for me!). the fragrances that come out each year all have similar notes, but some of them, like the last one, "pacific paradise", have this powdery dry-down that i am not fond of. "moon sparkle" is pure, sparkling berries, but also has musk and sandalwood notes, making it a little richer and more womanly than past escada scents, which also makes it perfect for all seasons! in keeping with the dark and sexy theme, i also got a NARS lipgloss in the shade "revolt." it looks kind of scary-chola purple in the tube (although i love that look, it doesn't look ironic enough on me to work that well. i still try though.), but because the gloss inside is completely sheer, it really just glazes the lips in a deep grape. i like it a lot, but i love all of NARS' sheer glosses because they are extra sticky-shiny and for that reason have staying power. plus, i have to love a company that still makes true, bold colors and doesn't put frost and glitter in every single thing. i'm looking at you, MAC. shape up! i haven't seen it in person, but based on my online peeking and other's reviews, the fafi for MAC line looks very blah.

after that, joe took me out to dinner at a secret location. i had no idea where we were going to go until we pulled up. somehow he remembered that i once said, as we drove by, that i had always wanted to eat at clancy's crab boiler! it was the perfect date. i drank a chi chi (pina colada made with vodka instead of rum. delicious, but embarrassing to order if you grew up mexican and to you chichis are BOOBS!) and ate shrimp and filet mignon. really, it was so perfect and fab. joe and i are perfect for one another because we both like things that are kind of crappy, but also great. we both have good taste, but like things that are kind of divey and hilarious. i hearted him extra after that, but the gifts didn't end! when we got back to the house i got a wonderful card he made in printing class and the piece de resistance: this pin! i saw it a while ago and fell in love with it even though i am not much of a dog person. let alone scottie dogs, but it is SO HILARIOUS. it is a double pin, with one part being one huge gold scottie dog and the other two smaller gold scottie dogs, CONNECTED WITH CHAINS DANGLING TWO MORE TINY SCOTTIE DOGS. so fucking fierce! i can't believe he went back and bought it for me. so sweet!

in case you are wondering what i got him, i will tell you. it might sound kind of or not at all strange, but joe is really into skulls right now, so i went to necromance on melrose, which is actually a really rad store, and bought him a coyote skull. he was totally pleasantly surprised because i was sort of anti about the animal skull thing for a while, but the lady in necromance was really cool and she assured me that the animals weren't killed just for their bones and she also said that the coyote was the best seller (wtf?) so i did some research on him and he seemed like a pretty cool spirit animal. joe loved it and said i was the best girlfriend ever, so all in all, it was a success!

i guess that's all i have to say about that. i really need to make a "romance/barf" tag for these types of entries, but i have about 12 tags and i am way too lazy to make new ones. in fact, i have also been thinking about making a a "gay" tag, but since i am a flaming queen, pretty much all of my posts are gay.

and speaking of the gays, i am sooo excited to watch tonight's episode of "project runway." it's the recap episode, which would normally annoy me, but there was so little drama this season, and i can't get enough pure tim gunn. sweet raging crap, i need a guy like him in my life! what ever happened to the genteel gay man? i'm all about the perverts, the bears, and the twinkies (you know this), but i long to meet an older, refined gentleman who will drink tea and go shopping with me.

as for someone to party with, i would love to hang out with christian siriano. i am basically the female version of him without the self-confidence, and i do love him so. he is so amazing, i really hope he wins the show! here is a strangely long, obsessive fan video with some of his fiercest moments. it's worth the length though for some of those golden moments of his this season. my personal fav is "i am not feeling fierce right now." hahahaha. television gold.

bound for glory, or at least last summer's cut-offs

last night, or this morning, i guess, i was up until 7:30 a.m. so i slept until about 2 p.m. today. the good news is, i am kind of tired now, so maybe i won't be up so late tonight.

i feel like i have so much to write about, but i'm feeling really fucking lazy. i have been working quite a bit at home, feeling depressed, and to top it all off i am pretty sure i'm getting sick. i always get sick right before something fun is going to happen, and as you know joe and i are traveling to san francisco this coming weekend, so i am drinking emercen-c lite with MSM for joint support lemon-lime/ass flavor like there is no tomorrow. i wish i could be drinking the sweet nectar that is new acai flavor emergen-c, but alas i am slowly but steadily re-embarking upon the journey toward limiting unnecessary sugars. so far so good today, but i really need to incorporate exercise into this routine. of course, i do mean to start gradually, doing things like "removing my pajamas," the ever-popular "leaving the house," or even some "cherry pickers" to stretch out the old musculars.

this is all in preparation for some pretty hardcore dieting i am going to have to endure if i'm going to get myself into tip top shape for what is sure to be one of the highlights of my year, a lifelong lesbian goal realized: dinah shore weekend. i can't even go into this because it honestly deserves its own post, but this hilarious dream will be realized the first weekend of april, and i need to lose at least 15 pounds if i want any aging bull dykes in bikinis to look my way. i mean, OBVIOUSLY i am attached to the most beautiful, amazing joe in the world, but a little double-take and wink of one dorky-sunglasses-wearing-eye never hurt a lady. joe is secure, believe me. in fact, i'm pretty sure i will come back from that weekend praising jesus for him and he won't be able to peel me off his dick for a week, but my friends and i are going to have a blast (i think)!

i feel so fortunate to have a boyfriend who is secure enough in himself to not mind if i write about whatever i want. granted, i would most likely balk at being censored, but still it is refreshing to know he would not wish that upon me. in fact, joe is sometimes infuriatingly not jealous! he only paused a moment when i told him i was going to write about trader joe's lesbian crushes. my theory is that every queer girl has at least one trader joe's lesbian crush. for some reason (veggie sushi? goddess dressing? six varieties of hummus?), trader joe's is a mecca for lesbian employees as well as patrons. i have hot a friend who used to work at the TJ's in silverlake and i swear to god, if she didn't already have a hot hot girlfriend, she would have gotten so much trader poon! girls were always like "don't you work at trader joe's, heehee." then there was this other girl i heard of that had fallen hard for a trader joe's lesbian somewhere over on the west side and suffered a heart more wilted than the mexican broccoli right before produce turnover day. my trader joe's lesbian crush works at the pasadena store by my mom's house. she is cute and very butchy, with a sexy low voice, but she wears baggy light wash jeans (!) and hideously nerdy kicks, so it's kind of good she is behind that checkout stand. i keep trying to give her the "i'm gay too" eye, which joe says he and other queers he knows find annoying, but when you are a femme who has lived your entire gay life largely deprived of it, as i have, the thrill of it is indescribable. the first time she as my cashier i was there with joe and she seemed extra cool to us, but last time i went in alone and she didn't even know i was alive. that's okay, though, because i have the best joe in the world, and i wouldn't trade him for anything. awww *hand claps*

oh my god, where does the time go? this is not even what i set out to write about tonight. mostly i wanted to tell you all that i am boycotting perez hilton's website, not because it lacks any semblance of true wit (which i now realize is reason enough!), but because he has finally gone too far by taking part in what i can only call a smear campaign against presidential candidate barack obama. twice this week he posted pictures of obama fundraising volunteers in houston, tx who had a che guevara flag up two different spots in their offices. the suggestion was that obama is somehow a communist. i think it is fairly obvious that the opinions reflected on that wall are those of the young staffers answering the phones and not of senator obama himself, and i believe that is is inflammatory and irresponsible for perez to publish those photos without explaining that fact to his readers. i can understand why the pics would irritate him (despite my own stance on the matter), but i don't appreciate the way he reported it. then, yesterday, he posted a youtube video with the clinton allegations that obama plagiarized a speech without explaining the full story AT ALL (get it here). like it or not, perez is fairly popular and influential and i think that at this point in his career, he has a responsibility to at least report all the facts, if he insists on straying from petty celeb gossip and into the world of politics. as for clinton's aide's allegations, the straw grasping there is just damn embarrassing. i knew hillary was going to help elect john mccain. for now, i am supporting obama. i will support clinton if i have to, it's not like i'm a total hater, but she is making that harder for me by the day. ugh. i will be sticking to dlisted.com to get my celeb news from now on. mike might not have the immediate l.a. scoop like perez does, but at least he is HILARIOUS and can actually write.

in other gay blog news, i would like to officially introduce one of my new favorite blogs, gaycondo from portland, oregon. while i do not know any of these folks personally, i was introduced to their blog by new friend kayla, who i met on joe's and my portland trip extravaganza 2007/8. gaycondo is the hilarious adventures and learned musings of an actual condo in pdx filled with gays! well, two gay couples, one male and one female, all four of whom write in the blog. check it out!

there are a few more blogs i have been checking out, but i will need to read them more before i can give my full assessment. blogs are pretty awesome, aren't they? well, when they are used for good and not evil. or if it's evil, at least funny evil.

i will leave you with this little tidbit. the other night i caught the last quarter of the movie "bound" starring jennifer tilly and gina gershon. it is a lesbian classic, to the point that when my friend emily's purse got stolen from this skanky lesbo bar once, the thieves totally used her blockbuster card to rent "bound" and never return it. LOL (years later, that is, not at the time). in case you have never seen it (wtf) you should go out and rent it, because even though it is by no means a "lesbian" movie, it is very stylistic, suspensful, and sexy. kind of a crime classic, i'd say. the trailer is below. anyway, the point is, i'm sure i have written about it before, because it is one of the greatest (and least true) compliments i have ever received, but this past summer, when i was much thinner, this random girl at told me i look like jennifer tilly. i was tickled, to say the least. i guess i do kind of have the slanty-eyes and the lips, but her body is so so hot. i will never look like that, but i suppose getting just a little tiny bit closer to it will make all the lettuce and pickles on lettuce sandwiches and diet rite colas i am going to have to consume that much more worthwhile.

Gay Sex and the Failure Forest

as you all probably know, there are few things i enjoy more than ranting about things i have limited information about. it makes the rant far more belligerent and ill-advised, two concepts upon which i believe humor might just be based.

anyway, today my subject of choice is the new series set to air on NBC called "lipstick jungle" (preview video behind the cut at the end of the post). it is based on a book by the author of "sex and the city," which, as we all know, is tv legend, in a way. to understand where i am going with this, you must first understand my feelings on "sex and the city."

SATC, in my opinion, was an extraordinarily offensive television show. it is, however, tolerable to me for only 3 reasons.

1) it is a classic. much like a time-honored racist, sexist story we still read/show to our children (disney's peter pan, for example), it will continue to be adored and accepted by many even after the advancement of women makes shows of its variety a small blip in our feminist history (am i being wishful?)

2) despite the deplorability of some of the characters (more later) the choice of actors and their performances were phenomenal.

3) for the love of bloody hell, i cannot tear my eyes away when it's on!!!!

a) the clothes! the shoes! good or bad, the parade of fine fashions is addicting.
b) the breasts. the naked breasts.
c) for a show about straight ladies, it could not have been any GAYER.
d) the poorly-written dialogue they give the carrie character is super funny, between cringes.
e) sometimes... it just speaks to me.

look, i love that show as much as the next girl, i'll admit it. the problem is, that love came only after i could get over the fact that, at least the carrie character, is totally demeaning and insulting to intelligent women everywhere and that the show's stylists were simply never going to stop putting her in belly shirts, no matter what the mandates of fashion prescribe.

as we all sit in anticipation of the "sex and the city" movie, we are offered "lipstick jungle" to chew on for the time being. here is my problem: i can already tell this is gong to suck. first of all, it's on network television, which means NO BOOBIES. lame. secondly, at least from the ads, there does not appear to really be a "quirky" carrie-like character. for all her bad dialogue and penchant for falling in love with her abusers, carrie was the heart and soul of that show. if not for her neurotic asides, then for her kooky hats and bags. by god, without her it would have just been a soap opera about a pointy-nosed prude/ho with daddy issues, an inexplicably misanthropic closeted lesbian with bad hair, and an older broad with a bangin' body who would do it with just about anyone... wait, that show still sounds good! that's my point, i guess. the characters were probably well-written in the first place (i dunno, i never read the book. this is the part where i don't know what i'm talking about), but also, you can really tell how much the actors brought to the table. the casting choices for carrie, charlotte, miranda, and samantha were fucking awesome. i honestly feel like so much has changed in the industry (for the worse) since that show began, that, if it were to be casted today, there might be much less-interesting types of women in those roles, and that would be sad.

i am sick and tired of watching shows on tv about women where the women look exactly the same. it is boring. the other night i was watching "law and order: svu" aka my reason for owning a tv, and there were not one but TWO female actors in the episode with very obvious, hideous plastic surgery (not as part of the plot). wtf? are kids now going to grow up thinking that's simply what women all look like? essentially, white ladies who look like they have been repeatedly dried-out and then re-hydrated like a cinnamon-bread raisin? this is terrifying. i know tv is all about entertainment, but i don't think it's too much to ask to see some real people on there. not even reality shows have real people on them except for "the biggest loser" and those people are dying to change. not that there is anything wrong with being thin and white, but good heavens, give us options! and no more frightfaced, botoxed bitches!

oh, and by "options" i don't mean the one that looks kinda asian-y on "lipstick jungle." back to my point, i am dreading this show. it looks like such a boring mess with boring clothes and formulaic story lines about giving good blow jobs. and, seriously, brooke shields? obviously the simple solution is not to watch, but a combination of morbid curiosity and a real passion for self-inflicted punishment will certainly lead me to check it out. i read an article in one of the gossip magazines about how this is only one of THREE new shows coming out soon with a similar theme: wealthy "power" women shopping at saks and looking for love in the big city. i don't know how much more of this i can handle. when are they going to make a show about women like me? middle-class fuck-ups who hunt thrift racks by day, haunt gay bars by night, and give great blow jobs to dildos.

WHEN? you know you'd watch.

the 'ginal frontier

okay, i'm not trying to turn this into a sex blog, but in the next few posts i may have a few things to get off my chest.

the first is the subject of labiaplasty. if you will remember, i wrote a post about this surgery a long time ago. to this day, i get loads of google hits from people either looking for more info about getting the surgery, or people who want to see pics of women with "huge labia naked." good times. basically, it entails having the inner (more commonly) or outer labia reduced in size surgically. it is one of the fastest-growing types of plastic surgery. this is a complicated subject for me because sometimes i go insane and think of all the different plastic surgeries i "need", so at this point it's kind of like, "okay, okay, i'll have one of those too!" but... well, i think this one is the most misogynistic of all. i have read accounts of women having it because their labia are so large it is painful during sex or to ride a bike or whatever, but i have also read that that is extremely uncommon and most of the labiaplasty surgeries being performed today are for cosmetics reasons.

i caught the last 2/3rds of an episode of dr. 90210 the other day where he was performing this surgery on a girl who supposedly had the former problem. but then, after, she kept saying something like, "i'm going to feel so confident with the way i look" and "now i can wear a bikini at the beach." okay, what? i am fat, so i never shop for swimwear, but i say unless you are rocking the stylish number to the right (which i'm pretty sure is only legal in florida due to the laws of good taste in other states), there would never be the chance of an "inner-lip slip." she would seriously have to have dumbo wings down there, and the doctor showed the detached skin pieces during the surgery and they were not THAT huge!

which brings me to my side point of why can they show pieces of labia on tv and not labia on a woman? also, in that same episode of dr. 90210 another doctor was performing top surgery on a transman (female to male). he was showing him before and after photos on the computer and the pictures of the guys chests before surgery, with female breasts, were blurred, but the ones post-surgery were not. i don't know... it just got me thinking. everyone knows you can show a man's chest on tv and not a woman's, but i forgot why. decency? and what makes a man's chest a man's chest? surgery? hormones? and then it is suddenly "decent"? i am not meaning to be transphobic here, because i am fully behind the fact that a transman is 100% a man, but i really would like to know what makes his body more decent than mine, regardless of which chromosomes he was born with.

anyhoo, some speculate that the real reason labiaplasty is spreading like wildfire, as well as vaginal rejuvenation, and other surgeries that create "designer vaginas," is that porn has become so mainstream, therefore women suddenly have pictures to compare themselves to. these pictures, however, depict most often an "ideal" that the majority of women don't live up to, namely tiny or non-existent labia. studies have even shown, however, that men (should you care what they think. i personally do not.) actually prefer larger labia. my google hits are certainly an example of that fact! don't tell this to the women, though, who are flocking to have this procedure done. this makes me sad. the real reason i love plastic surgery so much is because sometimes it can be SO FUNNY, like the terrifying freaky monsterface ladies on "the real housewives of orange county," a host of people who are actually famous for a reason, and half the women that used to come into the salon i worked at. man, that shit is hi.lar.ious! i guess, in many ways, this is a societal problem as well, but i like to think that unnecessary plastic surgeries, the chiseled noses, taught-skinned faces, and shiny balloon animal lips, are a present that god (or whomever) gave to those of us who have any perception of reality what-so-ever to look at and giggle. it doesn't help any of us at all, though, for ladies to be going around messing with the perfection that is the pussy. that is just not funny at all!

so, you are probably thinking, "amanda, if you are so disturbed by all of these google hits re: labiaplasty, why are you writing about it again?" WELL, the reason is before i was a tiny bit ambivalent about it, but i would like to let it be known hereafter that i absolutely denounce this surgery unless it is a serious, painful case. if you landed here on my blog because you are curious to know if you look normal, get yourself a copy of the cunt coloring book, some colored pencils, a case of beer, rent some lesbian porn (mostly boooooring sex scenes, but realistic bodies), and invite over your friends. you don't have to bring hand mirrors a la the 70s, but talk about it, and you will most definitely learn a lot about what "normal" looks like.