Baby Feelings: Prepare To Laugh Your Tail Off

Sometimes I think I might change my mind and want a baby. It’s usually less the desire to nurture a human life and more the terror that the decision I made long ago to remain childfree is a mistake and I would be much happier choosing the crab cakes…I mean, having children. The thing is, I make terrible choices. I always order the wrong food and hate it, I stay up until 4 a.m. for no good reason even when I have work the next morning, and one time I got offered this opportunity for a  book deal, but I said no because I was too depressed and scared. So why should I trust myself not to turn 45 and be like, “OH FUCK” when I realize it’s too late? Probably because I don’t really like physically caring for anyone who isn’t a dog and having conversations with people I can’t swear with or have to humor in any way is a fucking CHORE for me (another reason I don’t have a career, btw). I never liked being around kids, even when I was one. That being said, I’m having weird baby feelings right now, most likely due to the fact that Joe and I have wedding fever and being in love makes you an idiot, my hormones have been going crazy recently, and pretty much all of my straight friends have babies or are pregnant. I think I feel sort of left out, which is no reason to have a baby, obviously, but I haven’t actually heard a compelling reason I personally should have one from the handful of people who think I should. Anyway, I decided to seek affirmation of my childfree lifestyle choice from the forum of a childfree website. I was happily reading the thoughts of fellow non-babymakers when something just started to feel not right. I began to notice a theme in many of their stories and profile pictures, something fishy, if you will. Then I looked at the sidebar and saw ad for:


Targeted advertising, eh? No. Nope. Nuh-uh. No way. That’s it, I’m having kids.



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