if you ask me, one shouldn’t look at things as “signs” of something else. it just gets very confusing, and more times than not, you end up losing sight of the big picture.

last night joe and i were having a… discussion about the fact that he is thinking he might want to move back to portland sooner than he thought after being done with school. i always said i could go there for a few years, but not forever because a) i love l.a. b) bad weather depresses me REALLY bad, and c) i am beyond close to my family. right now i am really loving my work, also, which is new for me and i am hoping to build a foundation from that.

the idea of not being with joe in the end hadn’t really crossed my mind,so the conversation really shook me.

when i got home, my mom told me my uncle had a seizure and we rushed to the hospital to be with him, my aunt, and my cousins. i took this immediately as a sign that i can never leave. i couldn’t even imagine being so far away at times like this, when my family does what it does best and rallies around each other for comfort and strength.

then, i thought of my aunt and uncle and how they are one of the very few couples i know who i truly admire. their marriage just really seems to work and after all these years they love each other so much. one would be incredibly lucky these days to find that in their lifetime, and if i truly feel i have found it, which i do, i would be a fool not to hold onto it for dear life, to go to the ends of the earth for it. could this be a sign?

truthfully, all i care about now, having just gotten home from the hospital, is that it seems my uncle is making a full recovery from the incident last night, and all i hope for is that the following tests show that he is out of harm’s way.

but it does have me thinking. i’ve looked for love everywhere my entire life, hoped for it, prayed and wished for it. in searching for a sign, i always forget to see the path in front of me. this time i don’t know where it’s going to lead, but i do know that i don’t have to choose which kind of love i want, or hold it down in place. it won’t go away. it won’t disappear as long as i nurture it from within and point it in the right directions, i know this.

it flows back. it never ends.

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