awkward

so, a few weeks ago i was at a party where i didn't know that many people. for some reason everyone i knew kept coming and going in shifts, but i stayed because it was my friend's birthday and for some reason, even though i had only three drinks, i did not feel sober enough to drive (contact high? oh, marijuana, i DENOUNCE you!).

anyway, toward the end of the night i struck up what started as a very interesting conversation about queerness with a gay guy i had just met that night. i had stopped drinking because i planned on driving home at some point, but he was drinking straight whiskey, and as time wore on, our conversation became a little bizarre. basically, he was totally obsessed with the tv show "30 Rock", to the point where he was quoting it and asking me repeatedly if i watched it. i had seen it a few times, but don't get around to watching much primetime tv because of my schedule. i do think tina fey is hilarious. man, she sure is livin' the dream. i'd like to think i could have been like her if i had a little more self-confidence. and hotness. anyway, i digress. seriously, this guy would not shut up about how much he loved tina fey and how it was an absolute must that any guy he dated would be a big tina fey fan as well. not surprisingly, he had never had asteady boyfriend, but who am i to judge?

the next weekend, joe and i were trying to agree on a movie to rent at video hut. we have a real problem with this because for the most part he likes horror films and obscure comedies, while i like gay movies and french films. i know, i know. so, i saw season 1 disc 2 of "30 Rock" in the tv section and said "hey, why don't we rent this?" and he agreed. i don't think i have ever laughed that hard at a tv show in my whole life. alec baldwin may be nutmuffins, but he is a fucking comic timing genius! and tracy morgan... and kenneth the page! i finally feel like i have been let-in on a billion inside jokes i've seen all over the internet. "live every week like it's shark week." LOL! this may be the greatest comedy show on network tv today. i just finished the rest of season 2, which i drove to two different blockbuster videos to get, and i have to say, i can hardly wait until october 30th, when the new season starts! i can't believe i have to watch it in real time. i'm gonna die from one week to the next! and i'm never home on thursday nights. i need tivo now.

i guess the point of all that is, thanks socially awkward drunken gay guy, for opening my eyes to the wonders of "30 Rock." i'm sorry i doubted you, and i'm sorry i was too intoxicated to give you a ride home.

speaking of social awkwardness, i am having a hard time with that myself right now. in general, i always considered myself a pretty social person. i mean, i have a lot of friends and acquaintances. i make a lot of jokes, and people seem to laugh at them. i introduce myself to others and i am, for the most part, pretty good at introducing people to each other. i always try to make people feel comfortable in groups if they don't know a lot of people... i don't know, i guess i thought i was pretty good with people and a decent to good conversationalist. recently, as i have embarked upon this journey of self-discovery and healing, i realized that truthfully i am not really that great at being present in conversations. i listen and react, but there is always a part of me that isn't fully there in social situations. instead of growing socially as an adult, i think i have been more of a show pony, rode hard and put away wet, and now here i am, wanting desperately to have true intellectual connections with people, but not knowing where to start. most people i come into contact with more than once know my life story, or at least the funny parts, but there are only a handful of people who i would say truly know me. it makes me sad to think this, because there are people i can honestly say i wish i could get to know better and want to let get to know me, but i need to re-learn how to get there with someone.

and then there are times when i really don't feel worth knowing in the first place. i've been trying to think positively and do positive things for myself, but it creeps in on almost a daily basis. it's hard to go from feeling like an unstoppable party girl to a totally awkward freak who can't talk to anyone without cringing, but i realize that it's part of the learning process. plus, i know awkward isn't always bad. after all, tina fey has turned slightly awkward into the american dream, at least for the funny but imperfect.

Comments

[seph]

you have the hotness by far.

[jenelle]

I think that you are one of the friendliest and fun people ive met in los angeles!!