one

one year ago tonight, well, today, i was rolling around in the sheets with joseph for the first time.

and by that, i mean we had our first date.

i had met him the week before, on a thursday, at the (sadly) now-defunct club butchin' in highland park. the place was nearly empty because there was a big party nearby at the dykeplex. ajai and i were about to head out of there when she spotted some people she knew. i was standing there impatiently when joe walked over to me and started talking. he was hot, but i don't flirt. i didn't think i was anyway, because i'm really very shy unless i'm being funny. at one point i was adjusting my breasts in my bra (i do that) and he said "you can't do that in front of me!" so i grabbed his head and shoved them between my boobs. it was funny. less than an hour later we were at that party, attached at the face. 

i was hoping to see him that weekend, but he had gone up to portland to visit some friends. i finally got a flirty text from him saturday night, and i (drunkenly) replied back that when he got home "we should fuck or something." what the hell? 

i was trying to slut it up a little because i never had before. about a month before that i had my first "one-night stand" although i don't think it counts as that when you actually kind of know the person. anyway, that person wanted to see me again after, but i had recently had a shit experience with dating someone ultra-casually and i didn't want to go there. i definitely wanted to get laid though. i was still in pretty good shape, physically, and feeling very confident about my sexual skills, thanks to the praises of the afore-mentioned lovers and the affirmation of my ex (we were trying to be "friends who talk about that stuff" (that didn't work out. i'm pretty sure he hates me). 

it was monday when joe and i finally met for a ruse of a date at the shortstop. we each took wingwomen, which was helpful, but unnecessary, as the moment i slid onto the barstool next to him and he asked me what i wanted to drink, i was at ease.

we flirted and made out for about an hour at the bar before i pulled him into the bathroom and politely explained, by placing his hand down the front of my panties, why it was about that time for him to take me home. and he did. 

just like that, what i thought was going to be my second one-night stand began. from the very first moment we entered the bedroom, things went perfectly. the last time i had found myself in this position, the other party made the mistake of leaving a girl who had no idea how to have a one-night stand alone in her bedroom, drunk, when we first got back to the house. i had panicked, totally freaked, and ended up stripping down to my thong and getting underneath her covers, pulling them up to my chin and waiting for the sex to start. it was my fault, but it was awkward. 

with joseph, nothing was uncomfortable. we weren't even drunk and it was so easy. he lowered me onto the bed, removed my clothes, and for the next four hours or so, we had some of the best, most insane sex i have ever had. i pulled out my big bag of tricks on the first date because i liked him, but also because i didn't think it would happen again, and i wanted to leave a lasting impression. 

we were smoking on the balcony when he told me he wanted to get to know me better. few words had stricken me with such horror. i knew then that i liked him so much. i knew it was almost unnatural how good it felt, how the smell and feel of his skin was simultaneously exotic and so familiar. i guess it won't hurt now to say that i knew i could fall in love with him, but that is SO LESBIONIC! 

anyways, we had sex on the balcony. after that, we got into bed and he curled up beside me while i wrote this blog, and when i was finished, he got me off two more times before falling asleep for three hours then waking me up in that special way.

one year later, we are still together. i guess it's the gayest thing in the world, but i wouldn't have it any other way. i mean, sometimes i have wished that we went on more official dates before we started banging, and sometimes i wish that we banged a few times before i told him i like to... nevermind, the point is, i was terrified to fall in love and i acted like a dumbass and tried to run away a bunch of times. if i could do one thing different, i would not do that because i know that caused a wall between us, but i was so unbelievably scared of feeling that way about someone.

the thing about me is, i will never allow myself to be happy and i will never be satisfied. that is the truth. the best i could hope for is someone who is willing to put up with me, but twice now i have been lucky enough to be with someone who actually loves me. and now i am with someone who i am actually crazy in love with, which i never thought would happen. the problem is, i have held something back from joseph. not any love, that's for sure. if anything, i feel like a lovesick fool whenever i am around him, but there is a part of me that i have kept hidden, or lost somewhere, i can't quite figure it out. this side of me, i believe, is one of the main things that makes people fall in love with me (there have only been a few, but i'm just saying) and i'm so worried that if i don't find her and show her to joe, that's he's never gonna love me all the way. 

does that make any sense? 

i can be the funny girl, the outrageous girl, the crazy, the hopeless, but i don't remember how to be the girl with a cracked-open heart, genuine and full of beautiful words and other small but opulent treasures. i think i tried to bury this because i wanted to always be be tough, sexy, and fun. 

when i found love, i realized i might not have to have those other things. now i realize that if i don't figure out how to have them all, i might lose the most important one.

Comments

[Amy]

Omg....this was by far one of my favorite posts that you've ever done. It had just the right mix of humor, honesty, self- deprication, brilliant wit, and of course... a few moments of WOAH TMI that only Miss Amanda Faye can do so well. ;) A++++

[kp]

umm that almost made me cry - the part about the hidden amanda-faye and holding her back.... so good
and yeah, its cool that you fucked on my balcony
maybe your sweet lovemaking is why children of the corn is so lovely yet skittish?