Amanda: Failure Princess

cloudbusting

this is my new fav video (thanks natasha!). it is kate bush's "cloudbusting", which is based on a true story. it is such a beautiful song and the video makes me cry. i especially get weepy when she whispers toward the end "i'm cloudbusting, Daddy." do i have daddy issues? yes. but also, there is the obvious in my life right now, which is that i am trying to change the weather. "i just know that something good is gonna happen. i don't know when, but just saying it could even make it happen..."

i should mention that the job hunt isn't going so well. i am in a constant state of worry, bordering on hysterics, which is proving to have a range of negative side-effects, from chest cavity-melting heartburn all the way to friction in my relationship. this is deeply vexing because while i am lucky enough to have a prescription for generic zantac, i do not have what i really need, which is deep, intensive psychotherapy. 

to make matters worse, i am (obviously) less than confident about how i look right now because of my weight-gain and because i am pretty sure i am going bald. this makes it difficult to look for a job because i have this idea in my head that i am not hot enough to work anywhere. joe says this is crazy. he says "do i always have to listen to you talking shit about yourself?" and i say "yes. welcome to the next 50 years of your life." jk i hope maybe i will get some self-esteem in the next couple of months, but honestly getting a second job is one thing that is really going to help that. but then how do i get a job is i am stupid, and ugly? SEE WHAT I MEAN??? vicious cycle! 

this is obviously old news, but i just saw a story on the news about sexy coffee shops popping up all over the pacific northwest. two thoughts: 

a) wtf? see, i knew it was just going to get harder and harder for regular-looking people to get jobs. it's bad enough living in l.a. where you sometimes feel like you have to be a hot model type, punky/piercings type, or hipster girl-uniform-wearing type (think skinny jeans, overpriced t-shirt, and bored facial expression) to get a job anywhere in the city at a retail store, but now you are telling me i might someday need to look great in garters to sell coffee? ridiculous. heinous. i'm going to resume planning my suicide now. 

b) speaking of wtf, wtf is up with the pacific northwest? i feel like they are playing a big joke on the rest of us. first they are like, "hey! everyone should do what we're doing! we make quality coffee with care and we have shops that we hang out in and it's like, our culture!" then they are like, "hey, now your coffee is going to be served by Suicide Girls rejects." i don't get it. when i think of the NW, i think of flannel, falling rain, and feminists (blame riot grrrl), and yet i always hear about crazy things happening there like drinking allowed in fully naked strip clubs (good idea? bad idea?) and now half-naked girl coffee! 

fine, i guess that's only two things, and i guess it's my fault for seeing the NW as some kind of stereotypical queer utopia (minus the flannel and rain). joe says if i move there, which i toy with often, i will realize that there are downsides and upsides to living in any town. as you know, i LOVE l.a., but i am currently feeling a bit down on the queer community here, and on any sense of community at all. i'm craving that, especially a community of real, down, queer femmes, who are less interested in screwing each other over for andro/butch/guy attention and more interested in being besties, shopping for lipstick, making muffins, and having reading groups. maybe it's right in front of me and i am looking in all the wrong places, but i am having a hard time, nonetheless. 

last time i was in portland i was like, i HAVE to move here, i don't have a choice. i NEED this. then i was in the bathroom and i had an epiphany. i don't remember what club i was at, but the bathroom was the same as any club in l.a., minus the hair extensions, and it occurred to me, no amanda-faye, running up here would be the easy way out, you must stay in l.a. and try to build that community, try to make it better, BE the femme you want to be friends with! then i got home and one of my friends was hanging out with this really obnoxious girl who i'm pretty sure isn't even gay, and i realized i was a) up against the impossible, and b) a total judgemental bitch in addition to being lazy. i am probably not the person to try and carry the l.a. femme revolution on her back. can anyone help? i googled los angeles femme groups, but it didn't go so well. i REALLY don't want to have to move. my boyfriend goes to school here, i am very close to my family, and i am simply in love with this breathtaking city in ways that no one who doesn't love los angeles could ever understand. 

plus, if i move to portland, i will not have nearly enough use for HD wraparounds, these beautiful and stylish sunglasses, which i MUST have.

   

this is hilarious. the best part is the guy who is TOTALLY SHOCKED that his clip-on sunglasses let light in on the sides. 

i probably would seriously wear them, though, because lord knows i totally wear my sunglasses over my scrip glasses whenever i can't wear contacts. i honestly do in the car, and sometimes forget to take them off in public! emabarrassing!

yesterday was maybe the worst day of my life

there once was a time when i thought the worst day of my life was the time i was working as a hostess at Buffalo Kitchen and, because i hated that job so much i thought i was going to lose my shit completely and commit suicide in the neighboring American Girl Place (*shudder*) right in front of some over-privileged American Brats, i begged the girl i was working with to let me leave early instead of her. that very same day, only an hour or so after i left, none other than britney spears herself, in the middle, juicy stages of her downward spiral (post head-shaving, pre-child hostage-holding), showed up and chowed down on some ribs. she also attempted to smoke on the enclosed non-smoking back patio and was asked to cease and desist, as the servers on duty scrambled to get the prized souvenir cigarette butt.

the fact that i missed that so i could lay on my couch watching "according to jim" and contemplating my wasted youth will haunt me for the rest of my life. until today, i didn't think it could get much worse. then i walked into the pleasure chest in west hollywood thursday evening at 11 p.m. and realized, to my horror, that i had missed another potential greatest moment of my life ever. when we pulled up in the car, we knew something was afoot because there were camera crews walking out. then, as we entered, i saw the posters for the event. we had literally JUST missed the beautiful and glamorous coco, bikini model and wife of ice t. WTF! awful, seriously awful. ice t had been there too and i'm pretty much obsessed with him on law and order SVU, not to mention that whole seminal gangsta rapper thing and that adorable lisp! oh sadness! coco maintains that her ass is all-natural despite the fact that it defies all laws of nature and logic. i, for one, am inclined to believe her. if you can't believe that somehow, in this crazy, fucked-up world, a 5'2" 135 lb white woman can have ass-cleavage like two beanbag chairs in her bikini bottom, then what the hell can you believe in? i'm all about it. plus, i saw an interview once with her in it and she seemed like a sweetheart. 

luckily, i was soothed when joe bought me a new toy. it is a pinwheel, something i have been wanting for a VERY long time. i wouldn't say i am huge into "sensation play" but ever since i tested this thing out on my  arm at the late babeland store on melrose, i knew i had to have it. the little prickles it gives when used lightly feel so good! i can't wait to use it in more, um, creative ways in private. another bit of wonderful news is i finally got my hands on a vixen bandit and we are having tons and tons of fun with that. i will post a full review of that was well as some other things next week. 

the other good news is that i am house/kitty-sitting for a very good friend of mine this weekend, since i, sadly, could not make it to san francisco for gay pride. i will be somewhat lonesome here this weekend without most of my homos, BUT this is the house i was house-sitting when joseph and i first uncovered our love aka dit it all night long on our first date. i had a good feeling here from the beginning, but now it has an especially fuzzy feeling. 

also, sorry i haven't been writing to much. i've been a bit moody, but also it's not fun to write posts in this new typepad compose window. i'm also sorry if there is wonky formatting, but i have NO IDEA how to fix it. 

:(

note

sorry, i try not to do this, but do you see how funky the formatting of my last post is? this is courtesy of the new typepad compose box, which is unpopular, nay, LOATHED among everyone i know who is on typepad. i am seriously considering moving this blog over to wordpess, but i don't even want to think of how annoying that will be to do.

this new system is making me not want to write at all, and very wary of posting images. it's really depressing :(

booby trapped? not i, i say!

okay, so i posted my first review on yelp.com and since it is the only bit of adjoining words i have been able to squeeze out of my fingers, i shall post it here.

it is a review of the new(ish, now) night here in l.a. i told you guys about called "club booby trap" and if you will remember, i was unsure of what to think of the joint. well, i have made my decision, and i gave the club one star on yelp:

wait, is this my first review? i feel like that's kind of lame, but it's three a.m. and i feel inclined.

temporary spaces gets a half star for looking like it may have once been a cool dive bar and for the smoking patio (i have had fun back there talking to my friends), and club boobs gets a half star for playing kylie minogue once.

first order of business is a response to cheri g's review. i feel the exact opposite way that she feels. i feel like the west hollywood lesbian nightmare somehow mated with the FIDM-going, fake eyeglasses-wearing straight girl nightmare and laid an egg on the east side. i don't even know what isn't "scene-y" about this place except for the fact that i have never "seen" (get it???) 80% of the crowd that goes here out on the east side before, and i am a veteran. in theory, this crop of new homos would excite me, but i found most of this crowd to be rather snotty and scene-y themselves in a totally different and more obnoxious way than your average sometimes-cliquey east side dyke. this in turn makes me nervous that the west side is infiltrating the east. 

which brings me to my second point, which is that whether these ladies are from the east or the west is obviously not important, but the trend of these types of west-side style nights popping up on the east is disturbing. i suppose it is the natural way of things. after all, the west side lesbian clubs clean up every night of the week and the one east-side mainstay, shotgun at the eagle, is often hit or miss in terms of turnout. 

why is this? maybe the bottom line is that los angeles lesbians WANT to be around primarily femmes (in the least political sense of the word) and "soft" butches (ditto on the lack of politic plus add lots of hair pomade), they NEED to go somewhere with lounge-style seating and tealights burning, they INSIST upon paying at least $7 for a mixed drink... can this be true?

in that case, i hereby renounce my l.a. lesbian heritage in favor of what i have become increasingly comfortable with: i am an east side queer femme, and as god is my witness, i will never set foot in the booby trap again.

the girl whose review i responded to in the beginning had said she hoped it stayed cool and didn't get too scene-y, which i though was ridiculous because that place is beyond scene, in the traditional l.a. sense or the word. i couldn't help but notice that the same girl gave a nasty review to shotgun at the eagle because she felt like it was too clique-y. 

i have to say that i'm unsure of how to feel about this. last year, for me, the eagle had become almost "Cheers"-like. i even kind of look like norm, but that's a whole other story. the bouncer knew me, the bartender knew me (to be fair, Kim is friendly as hell and knows everyone), 8/10 people in there any given wednesday had probably shared a beer or a cig with or even peed in front of me at some point (girl thing). what i don't quite understand is, does that make me a part of a scene, or does it just mean i went to that fucking bar way too much? i remember what it was like to not know anyone there. i remember how lonely it felt and how no one really wants to talk to you if you don't look like you belong, and even if you do sometimes! i guess i had convinced myself that it is no longer like that, after all, i don't really see most of the people i remember it being impossible to talk to when i was 22. 

or do i just not see them because now they are my acquaintances and friends? these days, since i don't go out as much, when i go there i don't feel like i know nearly as many people. it's kind of jarring and i sometimes find myself looking around thinking "who the fuck...?" and then i catch myself because a) duh, i am old and someone turns 21 every day, and b) the more the merrier. the way i see shotgun/the eagle is as an inclusive place where queer east siders can be themselves, and i want my attitude, whether in that bar or anywhere else, to reflect that.

i feel truly lucky and blessed that i found my "scene" every time i go to the west side and nearly die of boredom or go into a club like booby trap where some snobby lesbian in a mini-dress is staring down one of my friends for being awesomely rowdy. even though i am the memaw of the group (unless you give me more than 4 vodkas), i hope i always have friends that want to be loud, rowdy, and dance around crazily and not care what anyone thinks. the whole booby trap thing just feels really contrived and even though they are supposedly trying to do "something new", it's not new just because it's new to lesbian clubs, and furthermore is especially not new because it is new to EAST SIDE lesbian clubs. indie song dance remixes? establishing a brand name? a plethora of girls with highlighted hair and fake lips? been there, done that, decided to stay gay on the east side, thank you very much.

don't hate me because i'm clinically depressed

i'm sorry, i've just been so sulky lately, and i don't want to bother writing down the details. i keep trying to make a list of ways to improve my life, but when i sit down to do it, i can't for the life of me thing of what to say. on the gripe front, i still hate the new typepad system, hate perez hilton, and am actually very saddened about the untimely death of tim russert. i always watched "meet the press" on sundays, albeit the 3:00 a.m. technically monday version. i remember being a kid and a teenager when some news anchor or talk show host would die and my grandma, mom, and aunts would all be really sad. i never understood their attachment, but i finally do. the people that report the news are so much a part of our lives and our generation, even when they are of generations before us or whether we agree with their journalistic style or not. 

some tidbits:

a) i am in the process of applying for a job i would really, REALLY love to get. i also really need to keep looking for other jobs, though, because things are getting pretty desperate. it's joseph's birthday this coming saturday and i would really like to get him something nice, but it seems i might only be able to afford something "thoughtful." yikes.

b) sometimes i feel kind of icky because my mom, aunt, and granny all have this cleaning lady named elvira and the idea of having a cleaning lady makes me somewhat uncomfortable. then i realize, as i have been spending far too much more time at home lately, that the reality is they actually pre-clean all of their houses before she even gets here because they are all neurotic and somewhat insane. in fact, i feel fairly certain that when she comes over to my gran's house they sit there, drink coffee, and complain in spanish. where i come from that's called besties.

c) joe and i watched the golden compass yesterday. while i could definitely see how it could seriously disappoint lovers of the book and confound those who have never read it (we had several "rewind" moments), but i enjoyed it. i thought the special effects were pretty neat, the actors were great, and the story was strong. truthfully, it really just made me want to read the books. oh, and go to the zoo to see the polar bears. anyway, since then i've been captivated by the idea of having a little animal by one's side at all times that represents the soul. how great would that be? i'm so tired of my "inner dialogue" some days i think i am just about three steps away from walking around having full-on conversations with myself, aloud. 

d) damn lakers! don't they know i am a fair-weather fan and they are really cramping my style? watching the nba finals is no fun if your team has almost know chance of winning. 

e) father's day is uaually a bit rough for me, what with that whole "abandoned by my father" thing and my grandpa having alzheimer's disease, but this year was actually kind of nice. my family had a big party because it was also my uncle and cousin's birthdays, the food was amazing, i learned how to make mojitos, and joseph was there. in august we are all going to go to oxnard on fam vacay and joe is going to come. i think that will be so so so fun, and i love when he spends time with my family, but i am more than concerned about being trapped in a hotel room with that many chronic snorers. ay dios mio!

well, i know i have a bunch more to say, but i can't think of it now (typical). but i will be writing this week as much as i can. don't forget about me! 

the pride is high, but i'm holding on.

barely. 

this weekend was insanely fun. in fact, saturday was so fun that i didn't even do anything on sunday. i figured east side pride was so absolutely perfect that there was no reason to head out to west hollywood. plus i am totally out of shape and i was sore from dyke marching/dancing alllll night long. 

i was up all night friday night with what i am pretty sure was caesar salad poisoning, so i didn't get to the park for the first annual dyke day l.a. as early as i'd hoped. once we finally got there, though, it was the best day EVER! the women who organized it did such and amazing job, and there were so many people and so much to do... it was seriously almost emotional to be there taking part in something totally new to l.a. also, i like getting drunk in the grass.

the dyke march was more fun than ever this year, i think because of the energy (and booze) we were all carrying from the park day. we had to rush off kind of quick after the march because ajai had to make the wedding cake for the big packin' heat pride party in downtown l.a. the cake came out gorgeous (no thanks to me), and we were off. we got to the party at around 11 p.m. and bianca was djing first. she played the remix of "heart beat rock" by kylie and i started dancing all by myself. amy got there and quickly ran onto the dance floor to join me. suddenly, the who floor was packed and the dancing didn't stop. i maybe stopped dancing five times until three in the morning, and one time was just to pee.

on the wall in the bathroom there was a stencil of a man's face that looked curiously like lance bass. i took that as a gay sign, although i'm sure it couldn't have been him (RIGHT?!?!)

i'll stop my rambling because it's almost six a.m., i haven't been to bed, and i have a ton of work to do tomorrow, including checking out a pretty exciting job prospect. 

i have posted all of the pictures from los angeles east side pride 2008 on my Flickr. feel free to leave comments and stuff. 

40 ounces of fury

mmkay, so this 40 ounce cozy is an item from the ever-unpopular (on this blog, anyway) Urban Outfitters. i have a weakness for going to their site and looking at the home items because a) i like knick-knacky crap, b) i would never buy it anyway cause it's way overpriced, and c) if i were to ever cave and buy something from them, at least the whole world wouldn't have to know how lazy and unoriginal i had become, only trusted house guests.

well, when i saw this my first thought was, naturally, "OFFENSIVE!" call me a reactionary, politically correct whatever-the-fuck, but i do not appreciate the connotative meaning of the bandana pattern. it's pretty racist and the giant white hand doesn't help. OH HOW IRONIC! you darn clever hipsters and your ironic alcohol choices! my second thought, upon reading the product copy, was that the idea of a 40 oz cozy is actually rather clever, as they do tend to get warm as you drink them. finally, i thought of how weird it is to see things like this being mass-produced and marketed to idiotic college kids (there's that irony again). i mean, hopefully in those fancy classes they teach critical thinking and maybe the reality is that most people who saw this would be like "ew. that's offensive. i am going to make my own." because, as i mentioned, there is definitely a market for all types of beverage cozies, if you ask me.

also, why do some american regional dialects insist upon calling them "coozies"? wtf? that sounds so wrong if you know and understand the accepted definition of the word cooze.

far be it for me to judge, however, as i guess i'm all about tolerance and stuff. i guess.

one more thing i will mention is this singer chick katy perry, whose song "i kissed a girl" is racing up the iTunes charts. i was intrigued by the title, despite myself. i had heard of her growing popularity on myspace and watched the video for her song "ur so gay" which, in addition to having unbelievably derogatory lyrics, just generally sucks. it's a good example of the BAD things that happen now that anyone hot can be famous. well, i listened to the short iTunes clip of "i kissed a girl" to see what the hype was all about. i liked the music and the fact that behind the harder electronic beats, her gritty voice sounds much better. i decided to seek out the lyrics and the entire clip after reading an opinion on it at your daily lesbian moment. well, i have to say that i was really disappointed. firstly, aside from the catchy chorus, the song structure is extremely discordant, and the way she sings is awkward... i don't know enough about music to explain it right, but it sounds bad and not in a good way. secondly, much like the daily lesbian moment blogger, i want to believe that "i kissed a girl" has good intentions behind it, promoting the fact that experimentation is okay, etc., but i found the lyrics very confusing, immature, and bordering on offensive (there's that word again! i swear, i'm not super-sensitive today). that's two strikes of shady against the gays and i'm not cool with that. why is this chick obsessed with us? are we sure she's really straight? someone look into this, please. i'm not going to post the lyrics or videos here, because at this point i have made my decision and don't care to promote her music, but both videos are on the blog i linked and you can google the lyrics. 

well, that's all i have to rant about, for now. i am looking forward to pride weekend. l.a. pride has never been my favorite thing in the world, but as i mentioned before, the east side of l.a. has really gotten it together this year, and i think it's going to be better than EVER! i'm going to be buried up to my ears in queers all weekend, and i wouldn't have it any other way. expect tons of pictures and stories. 

xo

the lap of loneliness

sometimes i really want to live alone for a while because i feel like then i would be forced to confront my demons on a regular basis. i don't just mean in the morning mirror when i say to myself "jesus christ, woman, how many bags of Doritos did it take to lose those fabulous cheekbones you had?!?!" or late at night when i'm about to fall asleep and realize, as i do each time i try to sleep alone, that at any second i could be viciously attacked by a zombie vampire with a shark fin. what i mean is, to really examine who i am and why i am this way and start to make the small changes that could lead to unlocking the giant, rusty shackles that i have dragged around for twenty-seven years. then i also think that maybe living alone isn't really all that big of a deal, and really the only thing that would be that exciting would be the fact that i could take my laptop onto the toilet with me, and no one would ever have to know.

special engaYgement (seriously, i could do this all day.)

i often wonder if it's better for me to not write at all or to write short, half-hearted entries when i am not feeling like or don't have time to write. clearly, i have decided to do the latter this evening. 

honestly, part of why it's been hard for me to commit to writing is that i hate this new typepad thing so bad and also my computer is painfully slow. in the good news department, i finally got a good night's sleep last night. it made for a much better day today, even though i spent half the day in traffic and i didn't get this job i interviewed for. in some ways, didn't want it anyway cause it was a big commitment, but i could have used the money. 

speaking of commitments, my friend vanessa is having this HUGE gay pride warehouse party in downtown l.a. on saturday. the whole thing has a wedding theme. people will be getting engaged, there will be wedding cake, a wedding singer, and even a real minister performing gay weddings. at first i was like "OMG, that's so AWESOME!" then i thought about how drunk we're all going to be and started to get worried that having people get married at a big gay warehouse party might send out the wrong idea, particularly to straights, that we really don't take marriage seriously. normally i'm a fan of bucking tradition in favor of something totally out of the ordinary, but i guess i was feeling worried about giving any ammunition to our detractors. this, of course, sent me into a spiral of thought. i wondered if caring what "they" thought about what we do in the first place meant i was buying into their hatred. 

all was saved when i opened my email last week to this gem from IKEA: 

IKEA is hosting a huge wedding for twenty lucky couples to celebrate Universal Pictures’ release of Mamma Mia! The Movie, in theatres July 18, 2008. 

We'll take care of the reception, justice of the peace, entertainment and cake. 

We'll lay out a Swedish spread and host the ceremony at IKEA Burbank. 

Marriage, commitment ceremony or renewal of vows, it's your choice. The date is already set – July 17, 2008. You can invite 16 of your closest friends and family to share your glorious day with 19 other couples. 

We’ll even get you started in your new life by giving you a $500 IKEA gift card and other goodies. For your mini-honeymoon, we’re taking you to a pre-screening of Mamma Mia! The Movie. 

All you have to say is "I Do, I Do, I Do, I Do, I Do." 

my mind was instantly put at ease. i realized that weddings aren't about gender, sexuality, or anything like that, but rather the curious mix of love, capitalism, and tiny fuckin' hors d'oeuvres. i also remembered that theme weddings and "on location" weddings have been around since the dawn of time, or at least the invention of bungee jumping and morning talk shows. the straights are just as nutty as the gays when it comes to celebrations and ceremonies, which is quite refreshing, actually. 

while we're on the subject of IKEA, can i ask how it can be simultaneously so straight and entirely gay at the same time? is that a euro thing? also a related subject, i will be forcing joe to go see the "mama mia" movie with me, but only because i have a girlie crush on the actress that plays the daughter and also a mature lady crush on meryl streep. that and all the ABBA music, duh.

on one final note, in case you are wondering, no, joe and i will not be getting married or engaged this weekend. we are just not quite ready to take the plunge yet. also, for the record, i would actually consider doing the ikea wedding thing for the $500 gift certificate and swedish meatballs, if only it wasn't in burbank. wtf? that's like, one of the shittiest IKEAs of all.