this is my new fav video (thanks natasha!). it is kate bush’s “cloudbusting“, which is based on a true story. it is such a beautiful song and the video makes me cry. i especially get weepy when she whispers toward the end “i’m cloudbusting, Daddy.” do i have daddy issues? yes. but also, there is the obvious in my life right now, which is that i am trying to change the weather. “i just know that something good is gonna happen. i don’t know when, but just saying it could even make it happen…”
i should mention that the job hunt isn’t going so well. i am in a constant state of worry, bordering on hysterics, which is proving to have a range of negative side-effects, from chest cavity-melting heartburn all the way to friction in my relationship. this is deeply vexing because while i am lucky enough to have a prescription for generic zantac, i do not have what i really need, which is deep, intensive psychotherapy.
to make matters worse, i am (obviously) less than confident about how i look right now because of my weight-gain and because i am pretty sure i am going bald. this makes it difficult to look for a job because i have this idea in my head that i am not hot enough to work anywhere. joe says this is crazy. he says “do i always have to listen to you talking shit about yourself?” and i say “yes. welcome to the next 50 years of your life.” jk i hope maybe i will get some self-esteem in the next couple of months, but honestly getting a second job is one thing that is really going to help that. but then how do i get a job is i am stupid, and ugly? SEE WHAT I MEAN??? vicious cycle!
this is obviously old news, but i just saw a story on the news about sexy coffee shops popping up all over the pacific northwest. two thoughts:
a) wtf? see, i knew it was just going to get harder and harder for regular-looking people to get jobs. it’s bad enough living in l.a. where you sometimes feel like you have to be a hot model type, punky/piercings type, or hipster girl-uniform-wearing type (think skinny jeans, overpriced t-shirt, and bored facial expression) to get a job anywhere in the city at a retail store, but now you are telling me i might someday need to look great in garters to sell coffee? ridiculous. heinous. i’m going to resume planning my suicide now.
b) speaking of wtf, wtf is up with the pacific northwest? i feel like they are playing a big joke on the rest of us. first they are like, “hey! everyone should do what we’re doing! we make quality coffee with care and we have shops that we hang out in and it’s like, our culture!” then they are like, “hey, now your coffee is going to be served by Suicide Girls rejects.” i don’t get it. when i think of the NW, i think of flannel, falling rain, and feminists (blame riot grrrl), and yet i always hear about crazy things happening there like drinking allowed in fully naked strip clubs (good idea? bad idea?) and now half-naked girl coffee!
fine, i guess that’s only two things, and i guess it’s my fault for seeing the NW as some kind of stereotypical queer utopia (minus the flannel and rain). joe says if i move there, which i toy with often, i will realize that there are downsides and upsides to living in any town. as you know, i LOVE l.a., but i am currently feeling a bit down on the queer community here, and on any sense of community at all. i’m craving that, especially a community of real, down, queer femmes, who are less interested in screwing each other over for andro/butch/guy attention and more interested in being besties, shopping for lipstick, making muffins, and having reading groups. maybe it’s right in front of me and i am looking in all the wrong places, but i am having a hard time, nonetheless.
last time i was in portland i was like, i HAVE to move here, i don’t have a choice. i NEED this. then i was in the bathroom and i had an epiphany. i don’t remember what club i was at, but the bathroom was the same as any club in l.a., minus the hair extensions, and it occurred to me, no amanda-faye, running up here would be the easy way out, you must stay in l.a. and try to build that community, try to make it better, BE the femme you want to be friends with! then i got home and one of my friends was hanging out with this really obnoxious girl who i’m pretty sure isn’t even gay, and i realized i was a) up against the impossible, and b) a total judgemental bitch in addition to being lazy. i am probably not the person to try and carry the l.a. femme revolution on her back. can anyone help? i googled los angeles femme groups, but it didn’t go so well. i REALLY don’t want to have to move. my boyfriend goes to school here, i am very close to my family, and i am simply in love with this breathtaking city in ways that no one who doesn’t love los angeles could ever understand.
plus, if i move to portland, i will not have nearly enough use for HD wraparounds, these beautiful and stylish sunglasses, which i MUST have.
this is hilarious. the best part is the guy who is TOTALLY SHOCKED that his clip-on sunglasses let light in on the sides.
i probably would seriously wear them, though, because lord knows i totally wear my sunglasses over my scrip glasses whenever i can’t wear contacts. i honestly do in the car, and sometimes forget to take them off in public! emabarrassing!