Amanda Failure Princess

i wish i could say that i have any news, but alas, i cannot. you will be happy to know that i have finally decided that i have come to a point where i can commit to a certain lifestyle. and by that, i mean diet and exercise. i have been trying everything for this to avoid being an option, because i am an intelligent woman whose ass could never grow bigger than her heart, with a sharp wit enjoyed by everyone around her and, by god, one of the keenest senses of style around. also, i am in love with a wonderful boy who loves me just the way i am. also, i REALLY REALLY like spaghetti.

alas, i have come to accept that size acceptance is just not for me. it took losing 40 lb and gaining it back for me to realize that i never needed to be and never will be a size 6, but i was feeling pretty good at 10 and i don’t care what i have to do to get back there. the thing is, it really wasn’t that hard. all i had to do was stay away from bad carbs and fats, snack a lot during the day on healthy foods, go for a walk at least 5 days a week and/or dancing every night. sure, i was really sad every time someone said “let’s get a pizza!” but for the love of god, i felt so free in every other aspect of my life. perhaps too free, as there were several instances of public nudity during that time, but i was having fun. still, i don’t think it will be like that this time around. i dunno, i’m just tired of feeling tired and sick all the time. it’s bad enough i am almost legally blind and have a case of acid reflux disease that is growing more severe by the day, do i really need to add diabetes to the mix? the answer is no. this is a personal choice, for me. i don’t think fat people should have to be ashamed or feel marginalized by society just because of how they look. i will always struggle with my weight, mentally, no matter how i look physically because i know what it’s like to be treated like less than human because of my size. actually, i keep forgetting that i gained weight, so the truth is, i feel it all the time when i go out. it’s the strangest thing to be growing larger and feel more and more invisible. the point is, i’m all about size acceptance, but i will not be accepting a damn thing until i fit back into my favorite dress.

in related news, i have discovered something that will offer a bit of good cheer to we zaftig women. it seems that this summer the fuller-coverage retro bathing suit is all the rage. this happens once in a while. i used to find it comforting because i thought “AHA! they won’t all be wearing their teeny bikinis this season!” but then i realized that since i never wore a bathing suit anyhow, i still stuck out like a sore thumb in my shorts and t-shirt. these days, i take an entirely different approach. i want to see more skin on the beach. bring on the nip and lip slips! i think it’s hysterical, plus then you get to see pretty much naked girls all over the place. at dinah, my favorite game became “spot the razor burn” on the bikini line. still, no one can deny the classic elegance of a 1950s/1960s swimsuit. as some of you will remember from this post, i bought my first bathing suit in YEARS to wear at dinah. it is a fun, flirty, retro-inspired suit (wet-able dress). i actually got a lot of compliments on it and like it a lot, but it’s not nearly as cute as the real vintage thing. back to the point, in my research for that post i found a picture of the thin girl in an all-black one-piece on google image search, but now i realize that was part of this new trend. urban outfitters is selling all kinds of new vintage-inspired swimwear looks, and here’s the good news: these bathing suits look awful on super-thin models! don’t get me wrong, i love super-thin models and think they are beautiful, but much like fat women should probably never wear capri pants, tall girls look ridiculous in leggings, and pointy shoes are the elf-ish enemy of the petite, the retro-inspired bathing suit is best left the curvy girls among us. the skinny models just look weird in them. the material bunches at their crotches, the bust embellishments overwhelm their bony chests, and the amount of coverage combined with a busy pattern kind of makes them look like a folded umbrella. hehehe. score one for the big team!

still, i would sell one of my kidneys to be able to, just once, have a space between my thighs large enough for a marching band to pass through when my heels are placed together.

you win some, you lose some.