Amanda Failure Princess

it’s not like i never think about going back to school, it’s just that every time i think about it, i want to slit my wrists because i fucking hated school. i’m feeling fairly unintelligent lately on account of the fact that i haven’t had a real conversation with anyone other than joe in weeks. if you were wondering about the dream job i mentioned i interviewed for, i was moments away from getting it when the proprietors of said dream-establishment made the somewhat abrupt decision to close it down. i will tell you all about that (aka rant like hell) later, but that’s not the point right now. the point is that in the interview, despite some very notable (at least to me) missteps, i found that i did surprisingly well. i was scared shitless even though the girls interviewing me were familiar and friendly, because a) i wanted the job really bad, and b) there were actually official company interview questions, like, on a clipboard, which is always intimidating. somehow, as the questions came out, so did my answers, many of which were seemingly well-thought-out, oft-spoken, coherent thoughts. WTF? me? like i said, i surprised myself even a little. i guess that’s because these days when i talk out loud to anyone other than my beloved, i am mostly in a crowded bar, cracking a joke or recounting the latest OMG moment that occurred among my friends. i guess there are thoughts and opinions i have that i haven’t been voicing for months now, which honestly, and those of you who know me will attest to this, should be damn near IMPOSSIBLE given the profusion of words that escapes my lips on a constant basis. literally constant, as i totally talk in my sleep.

it makes me think of the tori amos lyric in the song “silent all these years” :

“so you found a girl who thinks really deep thoughts/what’s so amazing about really deep thoughts?”

when i first heard that lyric, my little 15-year-old ears were taken aback. after all, i myself thought really deep thoughts, and tori’s lyrics were all really deep thoughts (SO DEEP!!!) so what the hell was she on about there? was this guy just a pretentious ass? were the other girl’s thoughts DEEPER than tori’s? did tori hate girls with deep thoughts like me??? (lol)

i guess she could have been talking about anything in most of her songs (peyote anyone?), but as i got older, i finally began to understand that lyric, at least my own final interpretation. any of us could be the really deep thoughts girl. thinking really deep thoughts is not so great a feat if you can’t put them into the world, in words, on the page, in a song, papier mâché, whatever. i thought i was pretty smart, but i didn’t know anything about it until i learned how to express myself, or rather, about the different ways of expressing who i am.

i’ve found that my life is so different since i embraced my “lighter side”. when i was younger i felt like there were two of me in constant battle. “funny amanda” who everyone liked so much, who would do anything for a laugh, and “real amanda” who was miserable every second and wished only for the sweet relief of death’s embrace. ah, youth! anyhoo, i always felt like i couldn’t be both people because they were too different and that i must be some kind of cursed impostor, like the beast in “beauty and the beast” except with better hair and only slightly better posture. i decided that i was meant to be miserable, and it would be only when i had fully accepted that and lived my life in that way that i would be able to feel comfortable in my skin.

somehow the opposite happened and i ended up having more funny days than suicide days. it turned out “real amanda” was funny after all, and the whole world rejoiced around me. jk. it’s not like that at all. i’m still as miserable as ever, but i have somehow assumed the role of general entertainer and making people feel comfortable and avoiding awkward silences person. joe calls that “charm” but i call it “work”. it’s something i complain about, but of course when people don’t pay attention to me i start to go a little insane. the point being, lately i have been wondering for the millionth time if i have taken things too far in this direction. i’ve complained for years that no one takes me seriously, but after being nearly shocked out of my seat by my own answers in that job interview i realize that i have actually stopped taking myself seriously at all. this is not good. i don’t want to be a little dark cloud of gloom over l.a., i’m just saying i see a lot of people around me working a lot less hard, personality-wise, and having much more respect for themselves and from others. granted, most of those people are good-looking, but i have to work with what i’ve got.

so, once again i am entering into one of my self-imposed subdued periods in an attempt to be seen as the strong, silent type. no more show pony-ing around for this princess. i’m gonna read a bunch of books, eat seven different kinds of expensive cheese a week, and only go to bars so i can passively observe the rituals of nightlife and talk about books and cheese. it’s going to be really great.

p.s. i will still write my blog. and probably have drinks.

p.s.s. this song/video still makes me cry and i ain’t ashamed.