Archive for April 14, 2008

the failure princess playhouse is dark

April 30, 2008 Amanda-Faye culture, pain, this just in

it’s not like i never think about going back to school, it’s just that every time i think about it, i want to slit my wrists because i fucking hated school. i’m feeling fairly unintelligent lately on account of the fact that i haven’t had a real conversation with anyone other than joe in weeks. if you were wondering about the dream job i mentioned i interviewed for, i was moments away from getting it when the proprietors of said dream-establishment made the somewhat abrupt decision to close it down. i will tell you all about that (aka rant like hell) later, but that’s not the point right now. the point is that in the interview, despite some very notable (at least to me) missteps, i found that i did surprisingly well. i was scared shitless even though the girls interviewing me were familiar and friendly, because a) i wanted the job really bad, and b) there were actually official company interview questions, like, on a clipboard, which is always intimidating. somehow, as the questions came out, so did my answers, many of which were seemingly well-thought-out, oft-spoken, coherent thoughts. WTF? me? like i said, i surprised myself even a little. i guess that’s because these days when i talk out loud to anyone other than my beloved, i am mostly in a crowded bar, cracking a joke or recounting the latest OMG moment that occurred among my friends. i guess there are thoughts and opinions i have that i haven’t been voicing for months now, which honestly, and those of you who know me will attest to this, should be damn near IMPOSSIBLE given the profusion of words that escapes my lips on a constant basis. literally constant, as i totally talk in my sleep.

it makes me think of the tori amos lyric in the song “silent all these years” :

“so you found a girl who thinks really deep thoughts/what’s so amazing about really deep thoughts?”

when i first heard that lyric, my little 15-year-old ears were taken aback. after all, i myself thought really deep thoughts, and tori’s lyrics were all really deep thoughts (SO DEEP!!!) so what the hell was she on about there? was this guy just a pretentious ass? were the other girl’s thoughts DEEPER than tori’s? did tori hate girls with deep thoughts like me??? (lol)

i guess she could have been talking about anything in most of her songs (peyote anyone?), but as i got older, i finally began to understand that lyric, at least my own final interpretation. any of us could be the really deep thoughts girl. thinking really deep thoughts is not so great a feat if you can’t put them into the world, in words, on the page, in a song, papier mâché, whatever. i thought i was pretty smart, but i didn’t know anything about it until i learned how to express myself, or rather, about the different ways of expressing who i am.

i’ve found that my life is so different since i embraced my “lighter side”. when i was younger i felt like there were two of me in constant battle. “funny amanda” who everyone liked so much, who would do anything for a laugh, and “real amanda” who was miserable every second and wished only for the sweet relief of death’s embrace. ah, youth! anyhoo, i always felt like i couldn’t be both people because they were too different and that i must be some kind of cursed impostor, like the beast in “beauty and the beast” except with better hair and only slightly better posture. i decided that i was meant to be miserable, and it would be only when i had fully accepted that and lived my life in that way that i would be able to feel comfortable in my skin.

somehow the opposite happened and i ended up having more funny days than suicide days. it turned out “real amanda” was funny after all, and the whole world rejoiced around me. jk. it’s not like that at all. i’m still as miserable as ever, but i have somehow assumed the role of general entertainer and making people feel comfortable and avoiding awkward silences person. joe calls that “charm” but i call it “work”. it’s something i complain about, but of course when people don’t pay attention to me i start to go a little insane. the point being, lately i have been wondering for the millionth time if i have taken things too far in this direction. i’ve complained for years that no one takes me seriously, but after being nearly shocked out of my seat by my own answers in that job interview i realize that i have actually stopped taking myself seriously at all. this is not good. i don’t want to be a little dark cloud of gloom over l.a., i’m just saying i see a lot of people around me working a lot less hard, personality-wise, and having much more respect for themselves and from others. granted, most of those people are good-looking, but i have to work with what i’ve got.

so, once again i am entering into one of my self-imposed subdued periods in an attempt to be seen as the strong, silent type. no more show pony-ing around for this princess. i’m gonna read a bunch of books, eat seven different kinds of expensive cheese a week, and only go to bars so i can passively observe the rituals of nightlife and talk about books and cheese. it’s going to be really great.

p.s. i will still write my blog. and probably have drinks.

p.s.s. this song/video still makes me cry and i ain’t ashamed.

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a shot at keeping my head above water with amanda-faye

April 29, 2008 Amanda-Faye culture, this just in

it is hot and therefore impossible to do anything during the day when you are broke like i am. sitting here languishing in the echo park apartment isn’t exactly the best way to shoot for the stars. i need to figure out a plan soon because i am losing my entire sense of self-worth.

this weekend was okay. i went out quite a bit during the week, so friday joe and i were pretty mellow. we saw “baby mama” during the afternoon. it was okay, but there were astronomical plot holes and you could just tell both actresses, especially amy poehler, were holding back quite a bit. i do love tina fey, though. she is really livin’ the dream. and by that, i mean my dream but with way less pussy and way more husband and kids.

anyhoo, saturday i went to a bridal shower during the day then at night hung out with one of my favorite people in the whole world, niki, who was visiting from portland. we had a latenight bbq at cheryl’s new place with cheryl and joe on grill duty and then jaime and desiree came later. it was a nice, chill night. sunday amy had a few people over to her house in huntington beach and we drank beer and swam in the pool all day. it was really fun.

wow, this is riveting stuff. i’m sorry i’m so boring right now, but i am having a personal crisis. well, that and they still haven’t finished fixing my damn camera, so i have no photographic evidence of how sparkling my social life is.

um.

i don’t know where to begin trying to make things right. i suppose the best way to start is getting a second job so i can have some money in my pocket, but the search isn’t going so well. another good place to start would be a fucking pedicure, but i am broke, hence the state of emergency.

i shall leave you all with something that will hopefully cheer us all up. this random comment (identity protected by me for… i dunno, niceness) on the picture of me and dani campbell from “a shot at love with tila tequila 1″ that someone left on my Flickr:

“i love you so much dani campbell
i want to meet you sexy and you are so sexy and hot i love you babey come and take me i’m you’rs babey my web ******4u@yahoo.com
i’m hollie marie stevens sexy my love i love you so much much babey so i’m 28 yaers old and i’m omost 29 just like you sexy
my web ******4u@yahoo.com or go to myspace
i love you dani campbell”

celezbrity is so priceless. i need to get me some, immediately.

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i’m coming out… as average.

April 25, 2008 Amanda-Faye el sexo, pain, this just in

i am boring. it’s true. i know it’s hard to believe for most of you, especially those that know me in person and get to drink from the bubbling spring of my effervescent personality on a regular basis, but it’s true. i am just a regular girl who likes fucking girls who look like boys or identify as boys but have titties. B.O.R.I.N.G!

my coming out story? well, i was 17-18 and i fell in love with one of my best friends at the time (zZzZ snore) who was really kind of boyish and treated me somewhat indifferently (ladies, how much do we LOVE that?).

then i went to a somewhat prestigious writing summer school for teens where i learned that despite my talent, i was utterly ordinary and, upon returning home, tried to kill myself with sissy pills and ended up getting taken to the hospital by my real best friend, who is straight but had a shaved head and all the nurses assumed was my lesbo gf. she stayed by my side and painted my toenails in the hospital bed. they gave me this thick, black charcoal to drink and looked at me very sympathetically, but i heard them talking about how weak the prescription pills i took were, even if i did swallow 83 of them. better luck next time? fyi, the charcoal stuff leaks right out of your butt in the shower. it’s humiliating, in case you were thinking of trying it.

it was at that time that my mom told my whole family i was gay, and no one really gave a shit. that’s how i came out. there was no fanfare what-so-ever. there was no cursing or tears, no denial. i am lucky, i suppose.

years later, as i walk down the street and everyone assumes i am straight, i feel bitter. i am sad that i will never get the “gay nod” from other homos. yet, i also feel cheated that despite my “feminine” appearance, i will never enjoy the luxury of being ogled and revered by butches and tranny boys as forbidden fruit. no, alas, i am just your average, normal, everyday queer girl who never fucked a bio guy in her life.

super-boring.

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wanderlust, regular lust, and a journey inside the mind of a suicidal 5th grader.

April 24, 2008 Amanda-Faye childhood trauma, the fam fam, this just in, travels

Mapdespite the fact that i am virtually unemployed and absolutely broke, i am currently, in my mind, planning my one-year anniversary getaway with joe at the end of july. i’ve been dying to go to vegas lately, and this summer we are most definitely going to make a trip to portland, but where i really want to go is somewhere i have never taken anyone i was dating before and that is to my childhood home away from home, pismo beach, ca.

when i was a kid my family went to pismo almost every summer. pismo beach is north of los angeles, on the central coast, so even in august, the weather is usually very mild. one of the funny memories i have of visiting there as a child is that the hotel we always stayed in had no A/C in the rooms, as it never really got that hot. i thought that was SO INTERESTING, which is hilarious to think of now. what a so. cal girl i was/am!

Seacrestin the research i am doing to find us the perfect romantic hotel, many of the reviews i am reading are by parents and they always obviously comment on whether or not the hotels are “kid friendly.” as i’m reading this i’m thinking, “UGH. kid-friendly = no” which is kind of ironic as it is a place of childhood nostalgia for me. the things is, as i’m sure i have mentioned before, i was a weird kid. my memories of pismo are definitely pleasant, or i wouldn’t be dying to Pismocliffside1_l_2go back there, but they are a bit somber. each year we stayed at the sea crest resort motel, which is on a cliff overlooking the pacific ocean. to get down to the beach you have to walk down two long flights of rickety old stairs. at the top of the stairs there was on old bench where you could sit and watch the ocean. in the morning it is quite grey, and the sunset is beautiful. i would sit there for hours looking out at the sea, thinking that it would be nice if it came all the way up and swallowed me whole, and wondering how long it would take anyone to notice if i climbed the tiny fence and propelled my chubby kid body over the side of the cliff. yes, even then, i was a good time. in truth, i am exaggerating a bit. i mean, not about the early thought of suicide, that’s all true, but that’s not all i thought about. i would sit there and write little poems in my notebook, try to look for selkies, wonder if i would ever sit there with someone i loved, etc.

i guess in many ways pismo beach is where i nurtured my writer’s heart. my grandpa nurtured my mind as a writer, but the heart, it seems, is so often born in a specific place, and mine rose out of those murky green waves, wrapped in seaweed, encircled by gnats, strange, but strong enough to withstand being cast against the rocky coast, gnashed by broken shells, and poked by the irreverent sticks of beachcombers.

Sanddollarfwslgwhich leads us back to my vacation. i really hope this happens! i would love to go back there and take joe, especially if we can stay in a suite with a hot tub. i don’t care what kind of job i have to get to afford this, there are sand dollars that need collecting, clam chowder to be eaten, and conservative people to possibly irritate with our gay passions! i’m kind of in a state of confusion because supposedly the resort motel (LOL @ that name) we used to stay at has become a big time dive, and thinking back, i do remember there being a lot of other kids there, but that’s where all of my memories are. on the other hand, the last time my fam went, a few years ago, we stayed at this great place right on beach level (no stairs) that had private hot tubs on every balcony, which was not too thrilling staying in a room with my cousins, but i think it could be a little more interesting this time around. then there are a ton of other romantic-sounding hotels. hmm.

in case you can’t tell, i am obsessed with going on vacation. it’s a combo of a lot of factors that don’t really make a lot of sense and even seem a little weird/gross together, but if you can name a time when i have given in to not wanting to sound weird/gross you will win a prize, so here goes:

1) i’m tired. i sleep better on vacation because there is no real point in staying up all night unless i am out drinking in which case i pass out like a rock. also, usually i have to wake up at a semi-decent hour so as not to be wasting my whole vacation sleeping and/or because of others. this is good for me because otherwise i will sleep all day. that’s what happened to me last time we went to portland because i brought my computer, we were staying in a windowless basement room, and we really had nowhere to be for two weeks. that vacation was fun but it made me more tired than relaxed for that reason.

2) since joe is out of classes for a few weeks i feel like i myself am on vacation from school/work, when truly i am simply a loser with no life skills.

3) we seriously had some of the hottest sex i have ever had in my entire life on tuesday night. i am basically trying to think of all the places in the USA we could re-create/one-up that sex. it’s quite simple, really.

4) the beautiful weather in l.a., strangely, makes me want to go somewhere else with equally beautiful weather. not really to get out of l.a. (obvs.), but because i want to be somewhere i can smell suntan lotion all day and wear a robe that isn’t mine as opposed to being like “wow, what a great day! well, back to craigslist/traffic/my mom’s house.”

5) when i really think about it, i miss family vacations. the last one we took to pismo beach, about three years ago i think, was the last that the whole family will have ever taken together. since then, my aunt’s husband john died, my grandpa’s alzheimer’s is way too advanced to travel with him, and my grandma, while in good health, can’t walk around too much. i would still love to go away with my mom, aunts, uncles, and cousins, but it’s hard for everyone to leave at once because of my grandparents. a bunch of them went to oxnard last summer, but i couldn’t get off work. hopefully this year, maybe they will do something and i will be able to go.

Splashin closing i would like to tell you all i’m not some crazy glutton for punishment when it comes to wanting to go to the site of my childhood gloom. as i mentioned, pismo beach also has some great memories for me, like eating fried clams at the splash cafe, waking up early to collect sand dollars and shells with miranda (if you don’t get them early, they get crushed by runners on the beach), the time my good friend (you know who you are) came on vacation with us and peed on a lounge chair by the pool, the little punk record shop where i bought my first 7 Year Bitch cd, and nini (my aunt) being so happy and radiant in those times.

of course, pismo is also where i lost my first true love… my stuffed animal pig wilbur, whom i insisted upon bringing then left there carelessly. i will never forget him, ever. just don’t tell joe.

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feminist nightmare

April 23, 2008 Amanda-Faye this just in

my decisions today regarding food have been poor at best and now i am sitting here watching t.v. and every single thing is making me emotional, from paternity tests on maury to ethnic discrimination on oprah to mother’s day card commercials. i am living the feminist nightmare.

do you remember in school when people would come dressed up for halloween as “housewives,” wearing terry cloth bathrobes, slippers, curlers, and even mud masks? from a very early age i was taught that this costume was sexist, not to mention inaccurate, and that these women and men were called stay-at-home moms/dads, homemakers, domestic artists, whatever, and they don’t just sit in front of the t.v. all day watching oprah and eating bonbons.

i have a feeling that the traditional “housewife” halloween costume has fallen out of style with most young girls, hopefully in favor of, oh, i don’t know, zombie congresswomen, long-dead poets or sculptors, or witches with a keen business savvy. that may be wishful thinking, but i have a lot of time on my hands as i sit here in my terry cloth romper, watching oprah, and eating açaí berry haagen dazs. some things never change, but some things change a lot yet not at all.

now that’s scary!

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pizza, puppies, and poppo

April 22, 2008 Amanda-Faye the fam fam

sunday afternoon my cousin had a birthday party for his son in my aunt’s backyard, which is adjacent to my mom’s back yard. joe and i went to the party and it was a wonderful day. it’s been a long time since i’ve chilled out with just joe and my immediate fam, plus my grandpa was there on loan from his home. they ordered pizzas from mama patrillos, my fav, and my mom made her famous salad dressing. as if things could get any better, my aunt and uncle brought their two new beagle puppies! there are SO cute!

if you will remember, my grandpa (poppo) has alzheimer’s disease. he wasn’t looking too great. days before he had broken into a run at his home, fell, and got rug burn on his face. at the end of the day, as my aunt and uncle were about to take my him back, i hugged him and said “bye. i love you poppo!” he said, “i love you too!”

i snapped my head back in his direction, as i had already turned away quickly after i said i love you to him. “what did you say, poppo?”

“i said i love you!” he smiled and his eyes became glossy, then he mumbled something about me being so young. i don’t know for sure, but i think he might have recognized me for a moment. i think he saw me.

this makes way more sense if you have read this post i wrote a while ago when he was really sick. his physical health bounced back somehow, but his mind is steadily deteriorating, and i miss him, but i also love seeing him outside of the home.

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dig deep

April 21, 2008 Amanda-Faye sometimes...

sometimes i think my life is like a pint of ben and jerry’s. well, not just any pint.

Cinnamon_bunsonce i got a really wicked sweet tooth and bought a pint of ben and jerry’s cinnamon buns ice cream. this was unusual because i am not generally the sort to purchase ice creams not of the fruity sorbet variety. occasionally i will get vanilla, and if i ever do get a chocolate craving, usually while pms-ing, i will get rocky road or something. i almost never deviate from this, since most fad ice cream flavors tend to be disappointing (curse you baskin-robbins rainbow strawberry pop rocks sorbet!).

anyway, i bought the cinnamon buns ice cream at the 7-11 by joe’s old place right when we first started dating. it was late at night and we were watching a movie with the AC blasting, as this was right in the middle of last summer’s heat wave. i started in on the pint, completely forgoing the formality of a serving dish. you will note the early level of comfort i felt with joe. upon my first bite, i knew something was wrong. the ice cream wasn’t creamy at all, but rather icy, emitting a slight crunching noise as a dug in. i took this to mean it had been over-frozen, and surely beneath this glacial crust i would find a world of perfectly-frozen, silken cream, with a caramel swirl and tiny balls of sweet, spiced dough dispersed throughout. i dug and dug with my plastic spoon until the slushy sound of spoon-meeting-frost became almost deafening, but still i had encountered not one single precious bun. my mind was racing. what could this mean? had they mislabeled the ice cream? was it so ancient that the buns had disintegrated into sad, sticky pools of cinnamon? was joe sitting on the other side of the bed discretely watching in horror as i tore into the pint with increasing urgency?

at this point i was no longer placing spoonfuls into my mouth, having abandoned all hope that the icy texture would ever give way. still, i plowed along, pushing the ice cream with the back of my spoon, with no idea why, really. it was then that i discovered my first cinnamon bun, then another, then another, until i saw that they all lay entombed at the bottom of the frigid pint. i had my answer. clearly, the entire thing had at some point melted, sending the suspended pastry nuggets careening to the bottom, and had then been re-frozen, causing the ice cream to become unnaturally hard.

this is how i think of my own existence sometimes. there was so much potential in the beginning, then at some point i lost all control, seemingly losing all things good, which in turn caused me to become hardened and doubtful. for several years now, i feel like i have been trudging along, digging through the refuse, finding ribbons of sweetness, but still searching for something substantial, something that would give me meaning and indicate somehow that it wasn’t all for nothing.

the analogy is imperfect, for in reality, at the end of my ben and jerry’s journey, i was grossed out by the realization that the ice cream had once been a melty mess, refused, of course, to eat the disgusting wads of dough at the bottom, complained about it to a completely understanding and compassionate joe, and even considered angrily marching back into 7-11 to demand a refund or replacement. unfortunately, in the case of life, there are no refunds, and i am hoping that when and if i find what i’ve been looking for, it will be awesome and delicious, as opposed to a sticky mess. some days, i think my time for “cinnamon buns” will never come, that i will never figure out what career i’m supposed to have, make any money, or live up to my fading potential.

then, i think maybe that’s not what the point is at all. maybe the point is amassing in one’s life a certain number of people (for me that would be my family, my best friend jenny, and my boyfriend joe, to name only a few of the many i have been blessed with) who you would not be ashamed to sit in front of and lay waste to an entire pint of ice cream, cursing all the while, just to find one stupid fucking cinnamon bun that might not even be that great in the end. these people will be there to listen, love you through it all, and maybe even walk you back to 7-11 with the receipt, should you be so inclined.

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even my makeup is gay

April 18, 2008 Amanda-Faye beauty, clothings, consume, reviews

i am currently on a mission to try and not look like a sea hag every day. it’s not really that hard, i guess. the hardest part used to be doing my hair, but when i became a woman (three years ago), the ability to style my hair properly finally took hold and now, for the most part, my hair always looks presentable-to-nice-to-luscious.

one thing i have had trouble with over the last several years is being too damn lazy to do my makeup. i know this is shocking to those of you who know i own a mountain of cosmetics, the monetary value of which could probably send two or three orphans to college, but it’s true.

i must first note that i totally respect the decision some girls make not to wear makeup at all. most of my most beautiful friends don’t even know how to hold a mascara wand. but the fact remains, however shallow, that makeup makes ugly people look way less ugly, sometimes even pretty. i discovered when i was around 21 that when i go out, even grocery shopping or to the mall, that people are WAY nicer to me when i’m wearing a full face than when i am makeup free (aka foundation only… ha! like i’d EVER leave the house without foundation). the radical, status quo-hating feminist in me understands fully that this is wrong and everyone should be treated equally despite how they look, because we all have something special shining inside, but my fug-hating eyes know exactly how they feel.

the point of this all is that recently my quest for simple beauty was made much easier. i have been using and enjoying MAC studio fix liquid in NC25 with MAC mineralize skinfinish in medium over it. i love the way this looks. the studio fix liquid is a dream foundation, with great coverage, blendability, the famously wonderful MAC color selection, and none of the pore-clogging effects i have found with studio fix powder (which it broke my heart when i had to stop using it. best powder foundation EVER other than that.) right before dinah, though, i decided i needed a makeup that would be a little more hassle-free, sun, and sweat-friendly, so i repurchased bare minerals at sephora. every time i stop using this stuff then buy it again, i am reminded of why i love it so much. the coverage is brilliant, it looks like real skin (some people call that “shiny” but i always get compliments on my “glow”), and it stays on really well, even through a night of dancing. i apply it with the MAC 182 buffer brush, which is a short-handled, ultra-fluffy kabuki brush. I LOVE THIS BRUSH! it’s so soft and luxurious, and at $45 it’s cheaper than many luxe brushes on the market. it applies the minerals perfectly, with plenty of coverage but not too cakey.

AmandalHeatherette_for_mac_2what i’m REALLY excited about from MAC, though, is the recent launch of their Heatherette for MAC line. for those not in the know, Heatherette is a design duo out of NYC. richie rich and traver rains create outrageous, fun, over-the-top designs that are inspired by glitter, club kids, and self-described freaks. the fabulous amanda lepore is one of their muses. one of their runway shows featured lepore and recently-retired porn superstar jenna jameson as models. i was looking forward to the MAC launch because i knew that the colors would be very girlie and hopefully involve a lot of pink. then, when the Fafi for MAC line came out and the colors were so blah, disappointing, and overly-glittery, i became worried. luckily, i had no need to fear! the Heatherette line is absolutely GORGEOUS! i seriously would have bough every single lipstick, lipgloss, and powder if i could. in the end, i bought the beauty powder in “alpha girl”, a warm, sheer pink with a slight sheen. it’s very pale, but as colors tend to oxidize and darken on me, it shows up nicely as a natural flush. the compact is so so pretty too (bright bubblegum pink with a Heatherette logo disco ball). i also got the lipstick in “melrose mood”, an opaque pepto-pink, and “lollipop loving”, which is a beautiful medium peach with a green/gold shimmer. “lollipop loving” is the more wearable of the two, but i really love oddly opaque light-colored lipsticks like “melrose mood”, especially with a summer tan.

the collection is mostly sold out on MAC’s website, but i had no trouble finding it in stores a few weeks ago. i would definitely recommend the beauty powder and “lollipop loving” lipstick. all i have to do is dash these on, along with some black eyeliner on my lower lids and a coat of mascara, and i look summer-ready. if i’m feeling sassy, i have been wearing a bit of eyeshadow again as well, which is a nice touch. if all goes well with my new non-haggard look, i will be earning less and less disdain everywhere i go!

p.s. PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD go here to watch the Heatherette for MAC video. there is no way to embed it here, but it is the gayest thing ever and makes me feel all warm inside. why was i born with a vagina? i was meant to run free with the fags!

p.s.s. this man, andre j, international model and covergirl, is my new favorite person. i’m SO OVER lesbians with mustaches. drag queens with full beards = so all about.


Portrait01

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may your cocks hummeth over

April 16, 2008 Amanda-Faye consume, culture, el sexo, reviews

i would like you all to know that i am resisting with every fiber of my being blogging about friday night lights again. wait, can i just say i must concur with emno – why can’t ALL guys be matt saracens? *sigh*

anyway, my life is BEYOND boring right now. i went to a fun party for sujey’s birthday on saturday, but thanks to the fact that my camera died at dinah, i have very little documentation of that fact. i have a warranty on the damn thing, but they wouldn’t just give me a new one, they had to send it in for repairs, which is so annoying because you know it’s just going to break again. ugh!

since i have a grand total of $60 to my very name, i obviously can’t afford to get a bikini wax right now, so tomorrow i have decided to dedicate the day to grooming myself. this is going to be somewhat unpleasant, but i am armed with the knowledge i attained from my last home bikini wax and two cold PBRs so everything might be okay. i also have to pluck my eyebrows which, in case you are wondering, now have two grey trespassers. it’s enough to make a grown woman cry right into her face cream. i mean, one who is a lot more shallow than i… uh, yeah.

what else? oh yeah, so we have tried the vibrating cock ring from babeland several times now. it’s amazing. i will say it’s a little distracting for me during “man on top” sex, because for the most part i am the kind of girl who likes things, such as clitoral and vaginal stimulation, one at a time.

when i was little, my family used to call me “cafeteria girl” because i always insisted on having each of my foods on separate plates or separated very carefully on the plate, with no one thing touching another. i guess in some ways that has spilled over into my sex life. heartwarming? creepy? well, in any case it’s true. for the most part, i like to get off externally first by having my clit stimulated either manually or orally, then be penetrated and come again that way. i rarely used to come from penetration, but joe has opened a whole other world for me when it comes to that. a fun, fabulous world of wonder!

Elexawhich leads us back to the cock ring. when joe is on top fucking me, it’s by no means bad (how could you go wrong with a vibrator?), but it’s kind of like bzzt – bzzt – bzzt, and that’s a bit disconcerting when i’m trying to fully enjoy the rhythm of his thrusting. however, when i’m on top, it’s a whole other story! i’m SO all about this thing. riding it, i can control the rhythm and intensity of the vibration, and the feeling of coming inside and out at the same time is unreal. the silicone cock also conducts the vibration really well, pretty much turning joe into a human vibrator with great hair and a cute smile, who makes me laugh. good times. it’s kind of embarrassing being unable to control my bliss, but i think joe likes it, so it’s okay. my advice to the ladies is get one and try it out. i have even heard great things about the elexa disposable vibrating ring (pictured here), which they carry at babeland as well as most major drug stores.

Icon5_4it’s kind of crazy how sexy drug stores are getting! my local CVS basically has a wall of lube, couples massage oils, and even novelty condoms, like the inspiral dolphin condom. the original inspiral is going to be part of my condom story, as it came in the babeland condom sampler. i pretty much know how it’s going to turn out because the spiral bit is supposed to enhance the wearer’s pleasure, which is fairly useless to joe and i, as well as the fact that it has been my experience that the extra bagginess and texture might actually be hurty, but i will give it a try for the sake of research. i’m very dedicated and brave! the condom story is on hold for now because i am saving up to buy the vixen bandit, and i don’t want to change cocks half way through the experiment. lately, we have busted out the old vixen woody, just like the one pictrured except in the vanilla color, not black.

Goodfella2_2Prod_woodyblkthe woody is very similar in size and shape to our goodfella, but it doesn’t have balls and is made of smooth, hard silicone as opposed to vixskin silicone, which is vixen’s trademark, skinlike material. i love vixskin, and they now make the mustang, which is a vixskin version of the woody. what i love about the woody over the goodfella, though, is the ridge beneath the head is slightly different. they both look VERY similar, but on the woody, despite the fact that the ridge is larger, it doesn’t feel as uncomfortable. i don’t know if the size compliments my anatomy better or if it has something to do with the material, but i am actually enjoying woody better than goodfella! also, because the hard silicone is so smooth, i haven’t found it necessary to use a condom on it. fyi silicone can be sanitized by boiling for 5-10 minutes, which is cleanly AND fun. joe and i had a boiling party recently and it was actually wildly amusing to see all the cocks in pots on the stove. still, i can’t WAIT to try the bandit. i’m looking forward to the shape and the slight size upgrade, as well as the creative positions we can dream up, thanks to the length.

well, i guess that’s all. i’m on the last episode of season two of FNL and i don’t know what i’m going to do after this! can i just say, why do all the boys on the show, even the assy ones, have redeeming qualities, but the girls kind of suck? a lot? i hate lyla, julie is a bratbitch, and i did not like how tyra submarined that poor girl that liked landon. the only female on the show i really like is tami taylor, the mom. she’s so sassy and strong!

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delicious ruin

April 14, 2008 Amanda-Faye consume, culture, list it, musica, reviews

i am well-aware that to most of you these “list” posts seem like a copout as opposed to the hard-hitting journalistic style you are used to from Amanda: Failure Princess (HAHAHAHA), but it’s monday, which, if you don’t know, is my sunday. fyi, tuesday is also my sunday and wednesday is my friday, as at this time, for the most part, i seem to be somewhat unemployed. it’s a real bummer on many accounts, the first of which is that my boss’ daughter is seriously ill. she is set to make a great recovery, but obviously this has been a blow to her family and friends. right now my boss is really busy with her daughter and such, as to be expected, but that means my duties are on a bit of a hiatus, which is very bad for little old me, who is without another part-time job to rely upon. the good news is, i have applied for a part-time gig that would pretty much be a dream job for me. i had an interview on friday, and i think it went really well, but they’re not sure right now how much help they need. cross your fingers for me that it works out, then maybe eventually i will tell you what it is… maybe… i’m a bit nervous about revealing where i work, as i DO have a couple of stalkers. okay, fine, most of them live at least 20 hours away, but still….

anyway, this list is called “things that are ruining my life right now” and they are as follows:

1) Vanillahoneybee_2haagen dazs vanilla honeybee ice cream: see, i’m not supposed to be eating sugar, or honey, and this ice cream contains both sweeteners. OMG it’s so fucking delicious! i’m kind of obsessed with honey right now, and i like that this ice cream gives me an way to avoid my terrible secret, that i like vanilla better than chocolate. i’m pretty sure they can take away my womanhood for that one, but it’s the truth, god help me, the truth! it’s limited edition, for now, so get some while you can!

Friday_22) the television show “friday night lights”: joe got me hooked on watching this on the internet at nbc.com and now i am completely addicted. i stayed up until 9:30 a.m. last week watching season one and what do you think i’m doing up right now? THAT’S RIGHT, season two. this show is actually unbelievably well-written and entertaining, even if you are not a fan of football, male bonding, or coming-of-age stories (p.s. if you don’t like coming-of-age stories, you have no soul!). one of the things i like most about the show is that it manages to use modern pop culture references without seeming cheesy or forced. like when julie walks up to her young, hot english teacher and says “here’s your jose gonzales cd back, like i promised” it doesn’t induce an eyeroll. as is the case with many well-written, quality, critically-acclaimed shows, “friday night lights” has struggled with ratings. according to joe it is coming back for another season, much to the delight of die-hard fans. i’ve got to say, i’m pretty excited about it.

3) Kyliexthe new kylie minogue album X: finally released in the US last week!!! of course, then i found a brand new “used” copy of the dutch special edition import. I CAN’T LISTEN TO ANYTHING ELSE! it is absolutely amazing! kylie’s album fever is what i consider absolute pop perfection, and i think X comes pretty damn close to that. my favorite tracks are 2Hearts, Like A Drug, In My Arms, Speakerphone, Sensitized, and Wow, which is my absolute fav and the official song of dinah shore weekend, even though we only heard it once. in the car as we were pulling up to the hotel. whatever, it’s so good! i definitely think it should have been the first single release in the US, or at lease Speakerphone. instead they chose All I See, which is kinda r&b and very danceable, but not nearly as hot as some of the other tracks on the album. i think they don’t think america is ready for pure electro-pop but i don’t think that’s true. i could easily hear almost this whole album being played on the radio. it’s not selling like hotcakes here, so american readers, PLEASE check it out and buy a copy. i want kylie to come play a gig in the states! i would DIE to see her live!

well, guys, i guess that’s all for now. i mean, a lot of different things are ruining my life, but most of them aren’t fun like these three. i has a great weekend, but i’m exhausted and don’t know what i’m going to do with my life, blah blah blah. you know the song.

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