Amanda Failure Princess

yeah, i’m making up another new category.  i’m pretty mixed up
(read: suicidal) right now on account of the fact that i am incapable
of loving or being loved, and it’s pretty much impossible to write
without any direction.

moving right along, today when i was driving my ipod was on shuffle
and the mc hammer song "2 legit 2 quit" came on. my first thought was
obviously "HELL YEAH," but then slowly i felt a deep, hollow sadness
creep over me. i was confused. i mean, it easily could have been
because of the bravado of the lyrics combined with the knowledge that hammer
died cold, poor, and alone (i think he’s alive and i just made that up
for dramatic effect, actually), but i didn’t think that was it. suddenly, through my salty tears, i remembered why that song always fills me with a sense of profound loss.

when i was a kid i constantly had my face in a book. i know that’s hard to believe what with how stupid and useless i am now, but i was quite the avid reader in my youth. i walked around reading a book in the supermarket, at disneyland, and in the car. one night, when i was 10 or so, i was reading one of those mystery/thriller books for teens (do you like how i’m pretending i don’t remember which one?) and it got to a really sad part in which the protagonist realizes that she was wrong about  who killed her brother. throughout the whole book she had blamed her best friend for the suicide of her brother, but really the suicide was staged and the killer was in love with her, but about to kill her because she would never be with him. it was a very intense moment, scary and really depressing at the same time. there was just something lonely about the the characters, even though they were both kind of assholes. anyway, i was riding in my mom’s car reading this on the way to my aunt’s house when "2 legit" came on the radio, and apparently to this day that song takes me back to that place. to a place where my own young, lonely heart was learning to ache on a dark night, captive of the page, of emotions i could not control, of the music.

which just happened to be a song by a man who is best known for his iconic pants, "hammer pants." seriously, i am trying to google an image and i can’t even find the real name for these pants.