Amanda Failure Princess

so, although i have been mysteriously MIA (aka sick to my stomach, then lazy, then without internet), my blog stats continue to climb thanks to my posts on home bikini waxing, labia, and my ever-growing australian fan base. hey, aussies, when the hell are you guys going to pool together enough money for me to bring my act on the road over there? i am pretty much dying to go to australia, thanks to the dvd’s caron made me watch of kath and kim and summer heights high, so please get on buying me that plane ticket. preferably for next summer. then i won’t have to know what winter is like for a whole year!

jk. sorta.

i know you are all wondering to what you owe this glorious and rare early-evening appearance. well, i’m feeling a tad woozy as i just ate and took my metformin, but i am pretty excited about a couple of things.

a) spring/summer! i love when it gets warm. i don’t really know why since i hate sweating and have been too self-conscious to wear a tank top since i was seven years old. i guess i just like how everyone seems to be in a better mood (at first, at least), and you can drink cold beers (secretly) in the park, and the birds keep me company at night with their chirping.

b) as some of you know, one of my favorite writers on earth is dorothy allison. she is the kind of writer that i aspire to be, the kind of writer who makes you feel like you just sat down and she started telling you this amazing story and now you don’t care that it’s dinnertime or bedtime and you never want it to end. her book bastard out of carolina is in my top three favorite books of all time. when i told joe that he said something to the effect of that being a typical girl/lesbian favorite book and i was indignant. the good news is, i lent him my copy of trash, allison’s book of short stories, and he’s really getting into it. this makes me happy. last night i was reading aloud from it and it made me remember why i wanted to be a writer in the first place. now to keep the trials of daily life (excess facial hair, traffic, debilitating emotional scars) from blurring that dream into obscurity again.

c) dinah shore weekend is the weekend after next, and although in some ways it’s going to be a working weekend for me, i am so excited and it’s going to be so so so fun! if not fun, then at least “funny” and that’s fine by me.

d) later this evening i am going to one of my favorite places in los angeles, babeland!

my shopping list includes a new lube they have called babeland naturals: naked organic lube. joe likes to stock up on his favorite lube, liquid silk, which i also like a lot, as it works well, has no smell, and is very… um, how shall i say… “lifelike”? it’s not sticky or tacky at all like some lubes i’ve used in the past where you fall asleep feeling like a filthy whore (actually, i like falling asleep feeling like a filthy whore, but not because my crotch is sticky and smells like an appletini). the only problems i have with liquid silk are that, although it is mostly water-based, it does have a tiny bit of silicone (which i imagine is why it works so well), and silicone lube is not recommended for silicone toys because it can break them down. this is what happened with our very expensive vixen goodfella cock. it works fine, but it had a bad reaction and in some areas the skin looks a bit chafed, which is why we started using condoms and i discovered i like condoms better anyhow. so, in the end it all worked out, but still i would like to try a more natural, water-based lube, just for funsies. the other thing about the liquid silk is that it tastes really bitter. like i said, i’m not necessarily into candy lubes, but the description of the new babeland lubes sounds like it tastes a little sweet and nice.

the next item in my cart will be a vibrating cock ring. i have never tried one of these before, but we have improvised (i won’t bore/horrify you with the details), and this seems like an exciting and logical next step to bedroom bliss. i don’t know what all the options are, but i have my eye on the sonic ring kit. i’ll let you know what i end up getting and how it works out.

finally, i don’t know if this is going to happen because we are super-strapped for cash, but if we don’t get the vixen bandit soon, i’m going to FREAK OUT. i don’t know if you know this (first-time reader?), but i am kind of a brat and when i get my mind on having something, i kind of become obsessed and pouty. lately, i have been looking at the poor goodfella with such scorn that it really doesn’t deserve, what with the endless days and nights of pleasure joe has brought me with it, but i am ready for something new. joe says it’s good i’m not into bio-guys because if i got bored with cocks this easily in that instance, it would be a real problem. what i like about the goodfella: the vixskin feels amazing, the balls are fun/hot, its size, shape, and where it rests on the pelvis make it really great for hard packing, and it’s just generally a really nice dick. hence, it will never be fully retired despite the fact that: the ridge of the head is kind of hurty for me sometimes, i am ready for a bit more girth but with a smoother head, and the longer length of the bandit should be more conducive to… uh… creativity. i’m a little wary of the length thing, as i am not one of those ladies that likes having my cervix jostled about, but i think all in all it will be better in certain positions and such. plus it’s a beauty! fyi, it is also made of the amazing, easy to sanitize, super-realistic vixskin silicone.

well, i guess i’ll be off. gotta go get some more writing done and ogle sex toys i can’t afford. i will be posting regularly in the very near future, i promise.