too much inFURmation: home bikini wax

the sally hansen brazilian bikini waxing and shaping kit has all you need to trim and wax your bikini area into the perfect, sexy shape. omg, i just wrote that myself. should i go into marketing? methinks yes! anyway, inside this box you will find a container of hard (also called stripless) wax, which is, in many opinions, the superior type of wax for delicate areas such as the vajayjay. this is because it adheres to the hair and not the skin, and when used properly can be a much more precise tool for shaping the bikini line. the wax is hard at room temp, but melts in the microwave. when applied in the direction of hair growth to the area to be waxed, it hardens into a kind of strip, which you of course (of course!) remove by holding the skin taut and pulling against the hair growth, taking the hair with it. traditional wax is applied the same way, but remains tacky upon application, at which time a strip of cotton or muslin is applied with pressure to the area and removed also in the same fashion. traditional wax works best for larger areas like the legs, arms, and back (hehe). every professional bikini wax i have ever had was with this soft kind of wax, and in the hands of the right technician, it has always been fine, but i have wanted to try having it done by a pro with hard wax for some time now. these tend to be pricier, though, and i am too broke to afford even my bargain wax, hence the waxing kit. also included in the kit are wooden sticks for spreading the wax, tiny rounded-tip safety scissors for trimming (great! very necessary. no more using a crappy, however sharp, old pair of haircutting scissors and running the risk of accidental home labiaplasty), a tiny hand mirror (novel idea, not helpful at all), a pair of disposable spa panties* (snazzy, but pointless since a) in theory you are taking off most or all of the hair**, and b) you are AT HOME), and finally some very helpful azulen post-wax soothing oil.

the other day, as i purchased this for $9.99 from the 24 hour CVS by my mom's house, i thought to myself, "wait, why the hell do i pay $50+ to get this done professionally when i can just do it at home!"

the answer: because doing it yourself is time consuming and hurts like the motherfucking dickens.

i did this yesterday and it took me about three hours (counting prep, cleanup, and diet coke break), but then, i was sporting a mega-bush due to the afore-mentioned brokeness and therefore not having been waxed for three months. i finally broke down and got this kit out of sheer desperation.

my first mistake was not trimming enough beforehand. it is essential that the hair be at least 1/4 inch in length, but it should not be longer than a half inch. if you attempt this with longer hair and the stripless wax, you will end up, as i did, with what looks like pubey laffy taffy stuck to your crotch, seemingly impossible to remove. the experts would probably recommend patience and baby oil to remedy such an emergency, but my method is to wait until the wax gets super hard (diet coke break), pray, bite down on a hand towel, and rip that shit off like there's no tomorrow. i had this problem a few times, even after i trimmed more and more, until i finally got my technique down just right.

as for the shape, normally i would go with the traditional landing strip, but it is my belief that the giant 70s bush is on its way back in, as this is the only logical follow-up to the resurgence of high-waisted pants. the problem with this, as any girl (or guy, i guess)*** who gets waxed will tell you, is that nothing quite compares the the silky-smooth, breezy freedom of nearly hairless genitals. my solution to this conundrum is simple: leave the bush on top and wax the labes and ass crack as usual! i am not looking forward to my waxer's face when i tell her my new plan. i tried it myself with this waxing kit, but once you start grooming it's kind of hard to stop, and for a minute there before i trimmed down the bush atop my otherwise baldness, it basically looked like some kind of crazy pussy toupee. not cute.

the other problem i ran into while trying to do the home wax is that it is virtually impossible to wax one's own ass. no matter how hairless you may think your ass is, you know nothing of smoothness until you have had your entire crack waxed. i would recommend it to anyone, seriously.

overall, i'd say the experience was crappy but necessary. my review of the sally hansen brazilian bikini waxing and shaping kit is that if it must be done, it works great. i definitely feel better smooth, however sore. i will say, though, that i fully intend on saving my pennies next paycheck so i can go back to bella, my favorite crazy russian waxer. but i MUST NEVER TELL HER OF MY HOME ENDEAVOR! she would probably slap me right in the face, not for cheating on her, but for being so insolent. waxers take their jobs very seriously, and now i know why. i don't think i will even be able to look at the bike i always forget to ride for a whole week! (ps that pic on the right is not of bella. it is the first thing that comes up in google image search for "bikini wax." wow, male waxer... how modern!)

*some waxing spas offer these for convenience, others require them. if you are getting a brazilian or anything like it, you will need to remove them. spas that only do traditional bikini waxes often require you to wear these during the service.

**technically, for your reference, a brazilian wax is when the hair is removed from the bikini line (line seen outside of panties) inward, leaving a landing strip and the hair on the labia, but waxing the buttocks. a playboy wax is like a brazilian, but the hair is removed from the labia as well, leaving only the strip. these terms are often used interchangeably, and i have only seen a few spas that differentiate the name and price. also, when all the hair is removed, it is apparently called a sphinx wax, but that sounds nerdy, so i'd call it a full wax if i were you. i also totally recommend waxing the labia if you are going to deal with the initial (you get used to it... sorta) humiliation of having your asshole waxed. the bare labes are the best part!

***is anyone else getting really fucking annoyed at how many parentheses i have been using lately? i don't know why i can't stop (sorry)!

Comments

[rachel fucktard]

wow..... i think the term "pussy toupee" really made this one golden! now i kind of want to buy this little kit. i'm not sure if i'm flexible enough to wax my own gine though.

[anon]

A "pussy toupee" is actually referred to as a MERKIN. Get it right next time.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Merkin

[Steffanie Walk]

Alright,
I know I'm doing the butch thing but you make this sound like something I need to try!

[Paul from Gaycondo]

"as for the shape, normally i would go with the traditional landing strip, but it is my belief that the giant 70s bush is on its way back in, as this is the only logical follow-up to the resurgence of high-waisted pants."
very true - beards are totally back for guys (if only I could grow one). If you're ever going to try this again I recommend a $20 beard trimmer, they're easy to find and I've found it to be an indispensible tool in my manscaping.

[miss michele]

lmfao!!!! i was actually trying to found out what kind of wax is used for this. bees..candle... etc instead i ran into your highly amusing blog. I LOVE IT!! you are hysterical and remind me much of a dear friend. i couldn't stop laughing. keep up the good work!!

[Nessa]

You are freaking hilarious. Thanks for the great review and infurmation. I am too broke to get my normal wax, and as it is summer I need to do something about "vay zown zere". I've liked the use of hard wax by my aesthetician in the past...I didn't know there was a kit now! Gonna get it...