Amanda Failure Princess

goddamn it, i need to update this thing every day! today as i was driving home from working on the westside (*shudder*), i had this image of myself dying in a fiery crash because a) i think i accidentally ingested some of my face serum and obviously that was in direct correlation with my massive headache as opposed to the fact that i ate nothing all day, and i was worrying about passing out from retinol poisoning (?) at the wheel, b) my car was nearly on E and i’m pretty sure my tires are completely airless, and c) people drive like assholes on the 10 freeway. it was scary, but got even scarier when i imagined that the expensive sex toy post would be my legacy. very sad, very sad.

anyhoo, i don’t have much to talk about if you don’t count the ever-growing pit of despair i am sinking into, which most people don’t really care to discuss. i mean, i could just be projecting, but that’s the feeling i get.

so what DO you want to talk about?

how about the fact that i am turning 27 on the 26th of this month? hold on, i’m weeping and i don’t want to fuck up my keyboard.

alright, i’m back. the trouble with turning 27 is that at this point in my life, i have amassed enough friends in their early-to-mid-thirties in front of whom i am scared to say i hate getting older for fear of a verbal beatdown. look, people, it’s not that i think YOU are old, otherwise i wouldn’t hang out with you, it’s that i am getting older and older and i don’t really have much to show for it except for small nuggets of oft-neglected wisdom.

um, i don’t have any pictures to season this undoubtedly disheartening post, so i am going to fill it with images of my favorite seasonings for pretty much all savory foods.

last year i was feeling pretty optimistic about turning 26. i just KNEW it was going to be a good year, and it actually really was! there were some VERY dark and humiliating moments, some “learning experiences” (aka blacking out drunk), and some very sad times, but i definitely had one of the most fun spring/summers i have ever had in my life, culminating in falling retarded-in-love for the first time.

that, of course, has proven to be a double-edged sword. while i enjoy, nay, adore this feeling, i also hate, hate, can honestly say hate it. it makes me feel really stupid, insecure, and afraid. it’s been a year now since sleeping with someone other than my ex (who i was with for three years and still exclusively sleeping with for two after that) finally broke the spell and made me charge forward into a life free from the promise of loveless, however comfortable and satisfying sex, and into the unnerving world of no promise of sex, possibility of terrible sex, possibility of embarrassing sex, possibility of being used for sex, possibility of having a lot of fun fucking around, and possibility that one of those nights of fuckery would lead to six beautiful months of spending time with someone whose very presence still sends me into some kind of inexplicable sensory overload. seriously, i can barely sleep next to joe because i love him so much, it makes me fucking sick. i know i am going to get hurt really bad, partly because i don’t deserve to be happy and am unlovable (duh) but also because i just don’t know that i am at a place in my life to be making healthy or wise decisions for my future.

for godssake, i am almost 27, work 20 hours a week, and live with my mother! i have given up on the lofty idea that i am ever going to do anything great or important, but for the love of god, i must do SOMETHING! a while back i got an email from a woman from a well-known publishing company (however small) that loved my blog and wanted me to think about writing a book proposal, BUT the catch was this company publishes humor books, a genre in which it (according to her experience) is very difficult for a woman to break into, especially since their target audience is men aged 18-34. she wanted to know if i thought i could write a book like that. i declined in my way, which was to never email or call her back. it seemed like the right thing to do at the time, being that my experience is what it is: hyper-femme and ultra-gay, two things i wouldn’t even know how to begin to “write around.” i dunno, this happened in summer, but i just told joe about it and he got really mad at me. he said it could have at least been an experience, an opportunity. um, duh, passing up opportunities is kind of my thing. this failure thing is no front, i’ll tell ya that much.

so, in closing, i would like to say that there are several reasons for my general discomfort right now, the first being my lack of direction in life (like i said, i have a job i like right now, but i need to be working more and getting health insurance), my lack of confidence in my ability to love and be loved, and the fact that my tits are aging right off my carcass. oh woe!

the light at the end of the tunnel is that there are things to look forward to. this weekend there’s a party i think will be pretty fun (a friend is turning 30, boo-yah! we all drink like 22 year olds, so it should be a blast), then there’s that whole first valentine’s day with a true love thing (i know vday is fake and lame, but i like to think of it as an excuse to trick joe into letting me blow him in public. romance = key), and then there is the following weekend in which we are going up to sf to stay with two of my very dear friends ashlee and danielle, hopefully hang out with one of the funniest women alive, shari call, and meet up with my two favorite portland friends, niki and vera, who is djing at hotpants. hotpants, if you will remember, is the club i went to with my friends the night before sf pride last year and totally blacked out, so in a way it will be a weekend of second chances. have the lessons 26 taught me taken hold? we shall see.

oh, um, yeah, so regarding the seasoning thing, i have always put salt and lemon on EVERYTHING. everyone gets mad at me about the salt, but lemon is good for you because it has vitamin c and no carbs. my new absolute FAV no carb treat, howevs, is frank’s red hot sauce. it’s sooo yummy. i like my hot sauce to be super-vinegar-y but not too hot and fermented tasting like tobasco. for that reason, i only use siracha in moderation. the flavor is good, but it’s SO HOT and doesn’t add enough sharpness without additional lemon. i’m kind of new to this hot sauce thing because i used to be a wimp about spicy foods, but it seems that with age, my love for spice has grown proportionately with my propensity to get really awful heartburn.

by god, i’m depressing. how do i even have any friends?