Archive for February 4, 2008

will the Failure Princess ever be Queen?

February 29, 2008 Amanda-Faye beauty, culture, fat, pain, this just in

contrary to the rampant rumors making their way around the interwebs, i have not committed suicide, as i promised long ago to do once i turned 27 if i had not accomplished anything significant. i have just been beyond depressed lately and wit completely escapes me. san fran was loads of fun up until the last day, which is really what sank me, plus i got my period that day, plus the afore-mentioned suicide deadline was this past tuesday, my 27th birthday!

i don’t even really know why i’m writing this except to say hello. i hate not writing for a whole week, it’s silly, but i just can’t think of anything funny to say. i wanted to post a video of my new reason for living: the jenny craig commercials featuring queen latifah, but they don’t have it on youtube, so you will have to watch it here. the best part is obviously how she keeps it real from the get-go with “i don’t watch the scale. that’s never been my thing…” while also subtly letting us know with her body language that wearing purple cowl neck sweaters with long, flowy skirts has never been her thing either, along with not being a huge dyke, which is MOST DEFINITELY NOT her thing. she is the biggest lez ever. i actually found the commercial somewhat inspiring though, and i liked the health over forcing thinness upon oneself angle. lord knows queen is never going to look like nicole richie, and thank god for that! she’s gorgeous!

in that vein, i found it ironic that i posted this entry about losing weight and what you gain and lose with it exactly a year ago when the other day i stepped on the scale only to discover that i have gained pretty much all the weight i ever lost back. i don’t know how that is possible since i still fit onto some of my “skinnier” clothes, but i guess it just kind of creeped up on me. i was barely holding on, well over fighting weight, but still at jean shorts-and-high heels-possibly-getting-laid-tonight weight when i met joe, got laid, fell in love, and totally just lost it. i am in this sort of delusional denial of it all, but all the signs are there. if i see a dress i think will fit me and try it on, it never does. this is a dangerous game when you acquire most of your clothes thrifting, cause sometimes there are no fitting rooms and also to not fit into an awesome dress or blouse is 100,000,000 times more depressing when it’s one of a kind. so sad. i’ve been back to my old tricks of only buying accessories and shoes, but i hadn’t even noticed i was doing it! three things are to blame for this (besides me) love, pizza, and american apparel, for making it so easy to live one’s entire life in a super-low v t-shirt, showing sexy cleav and not even realizing that your waistline and backfat are slowly but surely obliterating the possibility of you getting onto any tops with buttons in the foreseeable future. none of my favorite vintage dresses or tops fit and i think even my feet have gained weight.

one of the things you take for granted when you lose weight steadily like i did last time is how easy it becomes to look “good” in a photograph. i had completely forgotten the old fat girl days of taking shots at extreme angles, extreme close-ups, or avoiding the camera altogether. suddenly, while there were of course LOTS of awful pics of me, there were a lot of good ones too… and by good i mean thin-looking, even though i realize that is wrong. these days i have to erase just about every pic that is taken of me, which is a damn shame, since i just got a new camera for xmas. to me, all my pictures look kind of like the ones of those who had watched the evil video in “the ring,” blobby and awful. horrific.

well, there you have it folks, i am officially a 27 year-old failure, still broke, still fat, and still crazy, if only mildly suicidal. i have decided that since i love joe so much i will give myself one or two more years to live and see if i become famous, and, if not thin, then at least healthy and not giving a shit what anyone thinks, like queen latifah.

One comment

too much inFURmation: home bikini wax

February 21, 2008 Amanda-Faye beauty, consume, reviews

Sallyhansenboxthe sally hansen brazilian bikini waxing and shaping kit has all you need to trim and wax your bikini area into the perfect, sexy shape. omg, i just wrote that myself. should i go into marketing? methinks yes! anyway, inside this box you will find a container of hard (also called stripless) wax, which is, in many opinions, the superior type of wax for delicate areas such as the vajayjay. this is because it adheres to the hair and not the skin, and when used properly can be a much more precise tool for shaping the bikini line. the wax is hard at room temp, but melts in the microwave. when applied in the direction of hair growth to the area to be waxed, it hardens into a kind of strip, which you of course (of course!) remove by holding the skin taut and pulling against the hair growth, taking the hair with it. traditional wax is applied the same way, but remains tacky upon application, at which time a strip of cotton or muslin is applied with pressure to the area and removed also in the same fashion. traditional wax works best for larger areas like the legs, arms, and back (hehe). every professional bikini wax i have ever had was with this soft kind of wax, and in the hands of the right technician, it has always been fine, but i have wanted to try having it done by a pro with hard wax for some time now. these tend to be pricier, though, and i am too broke to afford even my bargain wax, hence theSpapanties_2 waxing kit. also included in the kit are wooden sticks for spreading the wax, tiny rounded-tip safety scissors for trimming (great! very necessary. no more using a crappy, however sharp, old pair of haircutting scissors and running the risk of accidental home labiaplasty), a tiny hand mirror (novel idea, not helpful at all), a pair of disposable spa panties* (snazzy, but pointless since a) in theory you are taking off most or all of the hair**, and b) you are AT HOME), and finally some very helpful azulen post-wax soothing oil.

the other day, as i purchased this for $9.99 from the 24 hour CVS by my mom’s house, i thought to myself, “wait, why the hell do i pay $50+ to get this done professionally when i can just do it at home!”

the answer: because doing it yourself is time consuming and hurts like the motherfucking dickens.

i did this yesterday and it took me about three hours (counting prep, cleanup, and diet coke break), but then, i was sporting a mega-bush due to the afore-mentioned brokeness and therefore not having been waxed for three months. i finally broke down and got this kit out of sheer desperation.

my first mistake was not trimming enough beforehand. it is essential that the hair be at least 1/4 inch in length, but it should not be longer than a half inch. if you attempt this with longer hair and the stripless wax, you will end up, as i did, with what looks like pubey laffy taffy stuck to your crotch, seemingly impossible to remove. the experts would probably recommend patience and baby oil to remedy such an emergency, but my method is to wait until the wax gets super hard (diet coke break), pray, bite down on a hand towel, and rip that shit off like there’s no tomorrow. i had this problem a few times, even after i trimmed more and more, until i finally got my technique down just right.

as for the shape, normally i would go with the traditional landing strip, but it is my belief that the giant 70s bush is on its way back in, as this is the only logical follow-up to the resurgence of high-waisted pants. the problem with this, as any girl (or guy, i guess)*** who gets waxed will tell you, is that nothing quite compares the the silky-smooth, breezy freedom of nearly hairless genitals. my solution to this conundrum is simple: leave the bush on top and wax the labes and ass crack as usual! i am not looking forward to my waxer’s face when i tell her my new plan. i tried it myself with this waxing kit, but once you start grooming it’s kind of hard to stop, and for a minute there before i trimmed down the bush atop my otherwise baldness, it basically looked like some kind of crazy pussy toupee. not cute.

the other problem i ran into while trying to do the home wax is that it is virtually impossible to wax one’s own ass. no matter how hairless you may think your ass is, you know nothing of smoothness until you have had your entire crack waxed. i would recommend it to anyone, seriously.

Cmbrazilian_article_wideweb__470x31overall, i’d say the experience was crappy but necessary. my review of the sally hansen brazilian bikini waxing and shaping kit is that if it must be done, it works great. i definitely feel better smooth, however sore. i will say, though, that i fully intend on saving my pennies next paycheck so i can go back to bella, my favorite crazy russian waxer. but i MUST NEVER TELL HER OF MY HOME ENDEAVOR! she would probably slap me right in the face, not for cheating on her, but for being so insolent. waxers take their jobs very seriously, and now i know why. i don’t think i will even be able to look at the bike i always forget to ride for a whole week! (ps that pic on the right is not of bella. it is the first thing that comes up in google image search for “bikini wax.” wow, male waxer… how modern!)

*some waxing spas offer these for convenience, others require them. if you are getting a brazilian or anything like it, you will need to remove them. spas that only do traditional bikini waxes often require you to wear these during the service.

**technically, for your reference, a brazilian wax is when the hair is removed from the bikini line (line seen outside of panties) inward, leaving a landing strip and the hair on the labia, but waxing the buttocks. a playboy wax is like a brazilian, but the hair is removed from the labia as well, leaving only the strip. these terms are often used interchangeably, and i have only seen a few spas that differentiate the name and price. also, when all the hair is removed, it is apparently called a sphinx wax, but that sounds nerdy, so i’d call it a full wax if i were you. i also totally recommend waxing the labia if you are going to deal with the initial (you get used to it… sorta) humiliation of having your asshole waxed. the bare labes are the best part!

***is anyone else getting really fucking annoyed at how many parentheses i have been using lately? i don’t know why i can’t stop (sorry)!

6 comments

old-fashioned, modern, gay romance. and surf ‘n’ turf.

February 20, 2008 Amanda-Faye beauty, clothings, consume, culture, reviews

alright alright, some of you are not going to be very happy with this post, but bear with me, and i promise you very soon i will post something either about getting reamed with a huge silicone cock or crying hot, bitter tears into my vodka soda, whatever floats your boat. i am also working (really hard) on my condom story, so stay tuned.

Escadaon to business: my valentine’s day gifts! joe and i did i wonderful job of gifting. i know that presents are not the most important thing in the world (HAHA), but when someone gives you a gift that is just so absolutely you, or remembers something you said you liked, it just makes you feel very loved. well, when joe took me to my first gift, i felt more than love. i also felt sheer panic. you see, he took me to sephora, set me loose in the store, and told me to pick out whatever i wanted, within reason. i swear, i almost passed out just then! i wandered aimlessly around the store, then finally had to beg him for help because we were on a time constraint due to our dinner date, and everyone knows i have never actually been inside a sephora for less an hour and a half unless i am making a return. luckily, joe was paying attention and knew exactly what to tell me to buy. i got the new escada seasonal fragrance, “moon sparkle”, which is insanely fruityliscious and a must of you’re into that sort of thing. it’s very close to the one from a few years ago called “ibiza hippie” (bad name, awesome scent. if you ever see an old bottle of this, buy it for me!). the fragrances that come out each year all have similar notes, but some of them, like the last one, “pacific paradise”, have this powdery dry-down that i am not fond of. “moon sparkle” is pure, sparkling berries, but also has musk and sandalwood notes, making it a little richer and more womanly than past escada scents, which also makes it perfect for all seasons! in keeping with the dark and sexy theme, i also got a NARS lipgloss in the shade “revolt.” Narsrevolt_2Narsswatchit looks kind of scary-chola purple in the tube (although i love that look, it doesn’t look ironic enough on me to work that well. i still try though.), but because the gloss inside is completely sheer, it really just glazes the lips in a deep grape. i like it a lot, but i love all of NARS’ sheer glosses because they are extra sticky-shiny and for that reason have staying power. plus, i have to love a company that still makes true, bold colors and doesn’t put frost and glitter in every single thing. i’m looking at you, MAC. shape up! i haven’t seen it in person, but based on my online peeking and other’s reviews, the fafi for MAC line looks very blah.

after that, joe took me out to dinner at a secret location. i had no idea where we were going to go until we pulled up. somehow he remembered that i once said, as we drove by, that i had always wanted to eat at clancy’s crab boiler! it was the perfect date. i drank a chi chi (pina colada made with vodka instead of rum. delicious, but embarrassing to order if you grew up mexican and to you chichis are BOOBS!) and ate shrimp and filet mignon. really, it was so perfect and fab. joe and i are perfect for one another because we both like things that are kind of crappy, but also great. we both have good taste, but like things that are kind of divey and hilarious. i hearted him extra after that, but the gifts didn’t end! when we got back to the house i got a wonderful card he made in printing class and the piece de resistance: this pin! Dogpin_10 i saw it a while ago and fell in love with it even though i am not much of a dog person. let alone scottie dogs, but it is SO HILARIOUS. it is a double pin, with one part being one huge gold scottie dog and the other two smaller gold scottie dogs, CONNECTED WITH CHAINS DANGLING TWO MORE TINY SCOTTIE DOGS. so fucking fierce! i can’t believe he went back and bought it for me. so sweet!

in case you are wondering what i got him, i will tell you. it might sound kind of or not at all strange, but joe is really into skulls right now, so i went to necromance on melrose, which is actually a really rad store, and bought him a coyote skull. he was totally pleasantly surprised because i was sort of anti about the animal skull thing for a while, but the lady in necromance was really cool and she assured me that the animals weren’t killed just for their bones and she also said that the coyote was the best seller (wtf?) so i did some research on him and he seemed like a pretty cool spirit animal. joe loved it and said i was the best girlfriend ever, so all in all, it was a success!

i guess that’s all i have to say about that. i really need to make a “romance/barf” tag for these types of entries, but i have about 12 tags and i am way too lazy to make new ones. in fact, i have also been thinking about making a a “gay” tag, but since i am a flaming queen, pretty much all of my posts are gay.

and speaking of the gays, i am sooo excited to watch tonight’s episode of “project runway.” it’s the recap episode, which would normally annoy me, but there was so little drama this season, and i can’t get enough pure tim gunn. sweet raging crap, i need a guy like him in my life! what ever happened to the genteel gay man? i’m all about the perverts, the bears, and the twinkies (you know this), but i long to meet an older, refined gentleman who will drink tea and go shopping with me.

as for someone to party with, i would love to hang out with christian siriano. i am basically the female version of him without the self-confidence, and i do love him so. he is so amazing, i really hope he wins the show! here is a strangely long, obsessive fan video with some of his fiercest moments. it’s worth the length though for some of those golden moments of his this season. my personal fav is “i am not feeling fierce right now.” hahahaha. television gold.

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bound for glory, or at least last summer’s cut-offs

February 19, 2008 Amanda-Faye beauty, culture, fat

last night, or this morning, i guess, i was up until 7:30 a.m. so i slept until about 2 p.m. today. the good news is, i am kind of tired now, so maybe i won’t be up so late tonight.

i feel like i have so much to write about, but i’m feeling really fucking lazy. i have been working quite a bit at home, feeling depressed, and to top it all off i am pretty sure i’m getting sick. i always get sick right before something fun is going to happen, and as you know joe and i are traveling to san francisco this coming weekend, so i am drinking emercen-c lite with MSM for joint support lemon-lime/ass flavor like there is no tomorrow. i wish i could be drinking the sweet nectar that is new acai flavor emergen-c, but alas i am slowly but steadily re-embarking upon the journey toward limiting unnecessary sugars. so far so good today, but i really need to incorporate exercise into this routine. of course, i do mean to start gradually, doing things like “removing my pajamas,” the ever-popular “leaving the house,” or even some “cherry pickers” to stretch out the old musculars.

Dinahshoreweekendpalmsprings014this is all in preparation for some pretty hardcore dieting i am going to have to endure if i’m going to get myself into tip top shape for what is sure to be one of the highlights of my year, a lifelong lesbian goal realized: dinah shore weekend. i can’t even go into this because it honestly deserves its own post, but this hilarious dream will be realized the first weekend of april, and i need to lose at least 15 pounds if i want any aging bull dykes in bikinis to look my way. i mean, OBVIOUSLY i am attached to the most beautiful, amazing joe in the world, but a little double-take and wink of one dorky-sunglasses-wearing-eye never hurt a lady. joe is secure, believe me. in fact, i’m pretty sure i will come back from that weekend praising jesus for him and he won’t be able to peel me off his dick for a week, but my friends and i are going to have a blast (i think)!

Joei feel so fortunate to have a boyfriend who is secure enough in himself to not mind if i write about whatever i want. granted, i would most likely balk at being censored, but still it is refreshing to know he would not wish that upon me. in fact, joe is sometimes infuriatingly not jealous! he only paused a moment when i told him i was going to write about trader joe’s lesbian crushes. my theory is that every queer girl has at least one trader joe’s lesbian crush. for some reason (veggie sushi? goddess dressing? six varieties of hummus?), trader joe’s is a mecca for lesbian employees as well as patrons. i have hot a friend who used to work at the TJ’s in silverlake and i swear to god, if she didn’t already have a hot hot girlfriend, she would have gotten so much trader poon! girls were always like “don’t you work at trader joe’s, heehee.” then there was this other girl i heard of that had fallen hard for a trader joe’s lesbian somewhere over on the west side and suffered a heart more wilted than the mexican broccoli right before produce turnover day. my trader joe’s lesbian crush works at the pasadena store by my mom’s house. she is cute and very butchy, with a sexy low voice, but she wears baggy light wash jeans (!) and hideously nerdy kicks, so it’s kind of good she is behind that checkout stand. i keep trying to give her the “i’m gay too” eye, which joe says he and other queers he knows find annoying, but when you are a femme who has lived your entire gay life largely deprived of it, as i have, the thrill of it is indescribable. the first time she as my cashier i was there with joe and she seemed extra cool to us, but last time i went in alone and she didn’t even know i was alive. that’s okay, though, because i have the best joe in the world, and i wouldn’t trade him for anything. awww *hand claps*

oh my god, where does the time go? this is not even what i set out to write about tonight. mostly i wanted to tell you all that i am boycotting perez hilton’s website, not because it lacks any semblance of true wit (which i now realize is reason enough!), but because he has finally gone too far by taking part in what i can only call a smear campaign against presidential candidate barack obama. twice this week he posted pictures of obama fundraising volunteers in houston, tx who had a che guevara flag up two different spots in their offices. the suggestion was that obama is somehow a communist. i think it is fairly obvious that the opinions reflected on that wall are those of the young staffers answering the phones and not of senator obama himself, and i believe that is is inflammatory and irresponsible for perez to publish those photos without explaining that fact to his readers. i can understand why the pics would irritate him (despite my own stance on the matter), but i don’t appreciate the way he reported it. then, yesterday, he posted a youtube video with the clinton allegations that obama plagiarized a speech without explaining the full story AT ALL (get it here). like it or not, perez is fairly popular and influential and i think that at this point in his career, he has a responsibility to at least report all the facts, if he insists on straying from petty celeb gossip and into the world of politics. as for clinton’s aide’s allegations, the straw grasping there is just damn embarrassing. i knew hillary was going to help elect john mccain. for now, i am supporting obama. i will support clinton if i have to, it’s not like i’m a total hater, but she is making that harder for me by the day. ugh. i will be sticking to dlisted.com to get my celeb news from now on. mike might not have the immediate l.a. scoop like perez does, but at least he is HILARIOUS and can actually write.

in other gay blog news, i would like to officially introduce one of my new favorite blogs, gaycondo from portland, oregon. while i do not know any of these folks personally, i was introduced to their blog by new friend kayla, who i met on joe’s and my portland trip extravaganza 2007/8. gaycondo is the hilarious adventures and learned musings of an actual condo in pdx filled with gays! well, two gay couples, one male and one female, all four of whom write in the blog. check it out!

there are a few more blogs i have been checking out, but i will need to read them more before i can give my full assessment. blogs are pretty awesome, aren’t they? well, when they are used for good and not evil. or if it’s evil, at least funny evil.

BoundjennifertillyMeblogcropi will leave you with this little tidbit. the other night i caught the last quarter of the movie “bound” starring jennifer tilly and gina gershon. it is a lesbian classic, to the point that when my friend emily’s purse got stolen from this skanky lesbo bar once, the thieves totally used her blockbuster card to rent “bound” and never return it. LOL (years later, that is, not at the time). in case you have never seen it (wtf) you should go out and rent it, because even though it is by no means a “lesbian” movie, it is very stylistic, suspensful, and sexy. kind of a crime classic, i’d say. the trailer is below. anyway, the point is, i’m sure i have written about it before, because it is one of the greatest (and least true) compliments i have ever received, but this past summer, when i was much thinner, this random girl at told me i look like jennifer tilly. i was tickled, to say the least. i guess i do kind of have the slanty-eyes and the lips, but her body is so so hot. i will never look like that, but i suppose getting just a little tiny bit closer to it will make all the lettuce and pickles on lettuce sandwiches and diet rite colas i am going to have to consume that much more worthwhile.

3 comments

here comes that feeling again

February 18, 2008 Amanda-Faye culture, pain, peeps, this just in

i am adverse to beauty. or rather, several of its key components, including vulnerability. i refuse to feel soft. i have often thought of how funny it is that god (or whomever) decided to make me so enigmatic, and yet so un-mysterious and profuse, an enigma in itself. i have all this love to give, and i love so easily, but i will never, ever be able to experience the transfusion of love that happens between two people, because there is no way the needle is going in. even if they find my vein, it would likely be made of steel, or surely collapse just then, paper-thin. should the other person’s ichor somehow seep into my stream, it would undoubtedly be intoxicating for a moment, at least for the moment before my body ultimately rejects it. i am set in my ways, and anything variant from my own kind of love, no matter how true, could sicken me, curdle in my vessels, and weaken my heart. is any high worth that? i am left to wonder.

give me a break, it’s a holiday and i’m depressed. you may be happy to know that all is well in the Failure sector of this little ship. i am ruining as planned, no delays or stops. my valentine’s day with joe was lovely and perfect, and still i am miserable and wishing to remove my skin piece by piece. it is a sickness, clearly untreated, but i feel like it’s my responsibility to feel this way. i had almost forgotten this, which is kind of embarrassing, when i really think about it.

in way more hilarious news, i went to this lesbo night last night at the falcon in west hollywood. on sunday nights this “hotspot” screens the l-word for l.a.’s dyke elite (LOL) and celesbians. recently it has been a frequent haunt of paris hilton, puzzlingly, or rather, tellingly enough. in case you don’t know, i spend 99.9% of my time on the east side of l.a. and my stomach pretty much fills with bats when i have to travel west of la brea. i really wanted to take pictures for you guys, but i only got a few of me and my friends looking petrified, and what i reallly wanted to show you is how fucking ridiculous all of the girls there are. holy crap. it’s like what a nazi propaganda cartoon of los angeles lesbians would look like, complete with femmes in dresses, heels, and lez-cred-giving fedoras and butches in… wait, were there any butches? if butches spend $60 on pomade for their short, spiky hair and wear sparkly lipgloss, then yes, yes there were. i’m all for the idea that we queers don’t need to fit into labels or roles if we don’t want to (or can if we do), but i think the women out at this club are less the poster children for “being who you are” and more those of “being who’s who,” at least in their minds. dis.as.ter! ew.

of course, the typical celezzies were out. kate moennig (shane), rose rollins (tasha), malaya drew (adele, jenny’s assistant), and clementine ford (molly, phyllis’ daughter and cybill shepherd’s real life daughter) were all spotted at a corner table. i will say, btw, that tasha and adele are really hot in person, and i did not see shane with my own eyes, but i have seen her 500,000,000 times in l.a. so whatevs (still…). i was secretly hoping to see paris (even though i am not a fan, i just thought that would be extra-hilarious), but Mackenzierosman2004teenchoiceawardsshe wasn’t there. i was pretty bummed, then something remarkable happened. i was waiting in line for the bathroom when i looked behind me, saw this little girl and thought “who brought their kid here?” then i started to recognize her. could it be? YES! it was mackenzie rosman, better known as RUTHIE FROM 7TH HEAVEN!!!!

wtf? i’m not outing her by saying she’s a lez, by the way, because unfortunately (or fortunately, if you believe this is going to lead to diversity as opposed to appropriation) straights are coming in droves to gay bars, at least here in l.a. anyways, it was amazing. she looks so fucking young and exactly the same as she did when she was, like, nine. i don’t think she’s even 21, but upon further inspection, she did look a little older than a child and she was with some older-looking friends. this may have been one of the best celeb sightings ever. seriously, way better than if it had been jessica biel. we heard about two lesbian fights breaking out and saw the cops outside taking pics of a seemingly perfectly normal girl with a huge shiner and a bloody scratch above her nose. dyke drama = serious biz.

not too long after that we had our fill of $12 dollar drinks and giant outdoor fireplaces. we headed homeward to echo park’s fav dive bar, the little joy, where one of the bartenders (who i’m sorry to say i know personally) ran up to me and one of my other friends and screamed in our faces for coming in with another friend of ours who she used to date. it was both disheartening and comforting to know that no matter where you are in town, east side or west, gay bar or straight, there are totally psychotic people waiting to possibly attack you.

wait, did i say comforting?

4 comments

high-maintenance

February 13, 2008 Amanda-Faye if you ask me...

if you ask me, “high-maintenance” women are not given nearly enough credit. time and again we are demonized as materialistic, overbearing bitches who never get our fill of things like diamonds and love.

first of all, this is rarely true. i, for one, don’t even really desire diamonds at all. i mean, sure they are pretty, and i wouldn’t kick a dildo with a diamond-encrusted handle out of bed, but i’m more of a funny things found on the ground and cast-out furniture kind of girl. i guess it’s true that i can never get enough love, but love is free.

secondly, i’m not so much “over-bearing” as “fucking hilarious” and “generally knowledgeable”. i will admit that i like things done my way, for the most part, and i am used to getting my way, at least in matters of the heart, remote control, and restaurant choice. the funny thing is, though, that i don’t mind compromise, can always admit when i’m wrong, and in that case am genuinely sorry.

it isn’t any easier being high-maintenance than it is dealing with someone who is. life and people can be very frustrating! in addition to that, at least in the case of relationships, the person who is choosing to be with the high-maintenance person can choose not to be with that person. they can walk away at any time. on the other hand, for example, i cannot walk away from being high-maintenance. this is who i am. many people have found it revolting, and many people have found it charming, it all really depends. for some people, being with a high-maintenance person gives them the charge and challenge that they desire. it makes them feel good and they make us feel good. and for that matter, being high-maintenance and being a giver are not necessarily mutually exclusive.

anyway, without we fierce, high-maintenance girls in the game making those tepid, easygoing, tediously agreeable girls look somehow desirable to those who have grown weary of trying, who would want to bother with one of them at all?

2 comments

party murder

February 11, 2008 Amanda-Faye dance!, el sexo, reviews

maybe i just watch way too much “law and order,” but lately i have been really paranoid about being murdered. i mean, everyone sometimes thinks about the possibility of being violently accosted by a stranger, but what about being murdered by an acquaintance or friend in a moment of passion? it’s not like those people on law and order who are having a glass of wine with so-and-so let so-and-so in knowing he is going to totally flip and bludgeon/stab/strangle them to death! this means that at pretty much any given time, there is a possibility that one could be killed. last night i made joe promise to never murder me after having another one of my now standard waking dreams (i never sleep) that i was hanging out in my (non-existent) apartment and some anonymous person i was chilling with slammed my head into the wall and killed me.

it was one of those dreams where you are watching yourself do stuff, which very rarely happens to me. usually i am watching things from behind my eyes in my dreams.

oh my god, could i BE more exciting right now?

sorry, i had a rough weekend. friday was stress-filled. the good parts were joe and i got our plane tix to sf and we went to babeland on melrose to look at sex toys. i have (duh) been obsessed with the babeland site for a long time, but i had actually never been to the shop. it was fucking amazing! the whole place is kind of set up like a friend’s room or something. not in a cheesy, earth-mother, step into my parlour kind of way, but in an “holy shit, my friend ____ has a splendid collection of sexy books, dvds, sex toys, and condoms. and the massage candle she’s burning smells hella good!” i know one of the girls that works there and she was very helpful re: condoms. i ended up buying the babeland sampler pack. my next plan is to write a review on here of different condoms and how well they work with dlidos. this will be a very subjective review because of the different shapes/sizes of dildos and the different shapes/sizes of pussies, but i have been looking for condom reviews for users who aren’t… uh… penis havers… and i can’t find one so i’m going to write it. joe and i have the babeland sampler pack and we also bought (the other night in a pinch) this trojan condom sampler pack, so basically i am going to be fucking a whole lot for the sake of journalism. no, no, don’t call me a hero.

sneak preview: the babeland condom (they have their own brand, one type: lubed, subtly studded, standard fit, pink) ROCKS.

ANYWAY, i just really liked the layout of the whole place, but i was a little overwhelmed because we were on a tight schedule, so i really can’t wait until i get back there (and have money) so i can browse for hours.
i seriously could and will do that. i will bring a sack lunch.

saturday night i went to that party. first we stopped at my friend ajai’s to meet up and chit chat a little and she was hanging out with this hot lesbo who is totally a paparazzo who stalks celebs and stuff. isn’t that amazing? i pretty much wet myself. out of nowhere, the paparazzo looks at me and she goes, “have you ever seen the movie ‘party monster’? the way you’re talking right now reminds me of james st. james.”

hahahaha. oh man, i have officially reached my goal of becoming so faggy i have surpassed even the average gay man. if i was a gay man, i would be almost super-human. here is a clip from party monster. in case you didn’t see the movie, james st. james is (surprisingly brilliantly) portrayed by seth green. don’t ask me why macaulay culkin’s concept of playing a gay club kid = british schoolboy. whatevs.

LOL. the party was really fun, for the most part, but we got there late and we stayed there late and it was a whole lot of party for someone who never goes out anymore, therefor sunday was rough. there was a shitload of booze and a shitload of dancing lesbians. i took a bunch of pics, but i think they were all awful. i need to figure out how to use my camera. i dunno, maybe i will post some tomorrow.

whoa, isn’t it weird how my 6 am ramblings have somehow tied into each other? remember the thing about being murdered unexpectedly by an acquaintance or friend from earlier… and that’s exactly what party monster is about. you see, readers? that’s called “story craftsmanship.”

yeah… i totally did that on purpose.

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spice up your life (and do some other stuff with it too)

February 8, 2008 Amanda-Faye consume, pain, this just in

goddamn it, i need to update this thing every day! today as i was driving home from working on the westside (*shudder*), i had this image of myself dying in a fiery crash because a) i think i accidentally ingested some of my face serum and obviously that was in direct correlation with my massive headache as opposed to the fact that i ate nothing all day, and i was worrying about passing out from retinol poisoning (?) at the wheel, b) my car was nearly on E and i’m pretty sure my tires are completely airless, and c) people drive like assholes on the 10 freeway. it was scary, but got even scarier when i imagined that the expensive sex toy post would be my legacy. very sad, very sad.

anyhoo, i don’t have much to talk about if you don’t count the ever-growing pit of despair i am sinking into, which most people don’t really care to discuss. i mean, i could just be projecting, but that’s the feeling i get.

so what DO you want to talk about?

how about the fact that i am turning 27 on the 26th of this month? hold on, i’m weeping and i don’t want to fuck up my keyboard.

alright, i’m back. the trouble with turning 27 is that at this point in my life, i have amassed enough friends in their early-to-mid-thirties in front of whom i am scared to say i hate getting older for fear of a verbal beatdown. look, people, it’s not that i think YOU are old, otherwise i wouldn’t hang out with you, it’s that i am getting older and older and i don’t really have much to show for it except for small nuggets of oft-neglected wisdom.

um, i don’t have any pictures to season this undoubtedly disheartening post, so i am going to fill it with images of my favorite seasonings for pretty much all savory foods.

Sea_saltlast year i was feeling pretty optimistic about turning 26. i just KNEW it was going to be a good year, and it actually really was! there were some VERY dark and humiliating moments, some “learning experiences” (aka blacking out drunk), and some very sad times, but i definitely had one of the most fun spring/summers i have ever had in my life, culminating in falling retarded-in-love for the first time.

Lemon_3that, of course, has proven to be a double-edged sword. while i enjoy, nay, adore this feeling, i also hate, hate, can honestly say hate it. it makes me feel really stupid, insecure, and afraid. it’s been a year now since sleeping with someone other than my ex (who i was with for three years and still exclusively sleeping with for two after that) finally broke the spell and made me charge forward into a life free from the promise of loveless, however comfortable and satisfying sex, and into the unnerving world of no promise of sex, possibility of terrible sex, possibility of embarrassing sex, possibility of being used for sex, possibility of having a lot of fun fucking around, and possibility that one of those nights of fuckery would lead to six beautiful months of spending time with someone whose very presence still sends me into some kind of inexplicable sensory overload. seriously, i can barely sleep next to joe because i love him so much, it makes me fucking sick. i know i am going to get hurt really bad, partly because i don’t deserve to be happy and am unlovable (duh) but also because i just don’t know that i am at a place in my life to be making healthy or wise decisions for my future.

Franksbottleshot1_3for godssake, i am almost 27, work 20 hours a week, and live with my mother! i have given up on the lofty idea that i am ever going to do anything great or important, but for the love of god, i must do SOMETHING! a while back i got an email from a woman from a well-known publishing company (however small) that loved my blog and wanted me to think about writing a book proposal, BUT the catch was this company publishes humor books, a genre in which it (according to her experience) is very difficult for a woman to break into, especially since their target audience is men aged 18-34. she wanted to know if i thought i could write a book like that. i declined in my way, which was to never email or call her back. it seemed like the right thing to do at the time, being that my experience is what it is: hyper-femme and ultra-gay, two things i wouldn’t even know how to begin to “write around.” i dunno, this happened in summer, but i just told joe about it and he got really mad at me. he said it could have at least been an experience, an opportunity. um, duh, passing up opportunities is kind of my thing. this failure thing is no front, i’ll tell ya that much.

so, in closing, i would like to say that there are several reasons for my general discomfort right now, the first being my lack of direction in life (like i said, i have a job i like right now, but i need to be working more and getting health insurance), my lack of confidence in my ability to love and be loved, and the fact that my tits are aging right off my carcass. oh woe!

Srirachathe light at the end of the tunnel is that there are things to look forward to. this weekend there’s a party i think will be pretty fun (a friend is turning 30, boo-yah! we all drink like 22 year olds, so it should be a blast), then there’s that whole first valentine’s day with a true love thing (i know vday is fake and lame, but i like to think of it as an excuse to trick joe into letting me blow him in public. romance = key), and then there is the following weekend in which we are going up to sf to stay with two of my very dear friends ashlee and danielle, hopefully hang out with one of the funniest women alive, shari call, and meet up with my two favorite portland friends, niki and vera, who is djing at hotpants. hotpants, if you will remember, is the club i went to with my friends the night before sf pride last year and totally blacked out, so in a way it will be a weekend of second chances. have the lessons 26 taught me taken hold? we shall see.

oh, um, yeah, so regarding the seasoning thing, i have always put salt and lemon on EVERYTHING. everyone gets mad at me about the salt, but lemon is good for you because it has vitamin c and no carbs. my new absolute FAV no carb treat, howevs, is frank’s red hot sauce. it’s sooo yummy. i like my hot sauce to be super-vinegar-y but not too hot and fermented tasting like tobasco. for that reason, i only use siracha in moderation. the flavor is good, but it’s SO HOT and doesn’t add enough sharpness without additional lemon. i’m kind of new to this hot sauce thing because i used to be a wimp about spicy foods, but it seems that with age, my love for spice has grown proportionately with my propensity to get really awful heartburn.

by god, i’m depressing. how do i even have any friends?

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posh-y whipped

February 5, 2008 Amanda-Faye consume, culture, el sexo

one of the beautiful things about winter is that it is the perfect time to look inward and start asking yourself those crucial questions like, “amanda, do you ever think or write about anything other than sex toys?”

the answer, thankfully, is no. for that reason, pretty much none of the links in this post are work safe, so DON’T CLICK IF YOU’RE AT WORK.

lately what i have really been becoming aware of is the rise in luxury sex toys. normally, i scoff at things that are insanely expensive but work just the same as cheaper things, especially when it’s something that not very many people are ever going to see. however, when it comes to things that venture in or around my more delicate openings, i am willing to take a different stance. i am a firm believer that sex toys are for the people, but the newer, more expensive varieties have many benefits, such as being made with more healthful materials, easier to sanitize, longer lasting, and more high-tech, if you’re into that sort of thing.

Littlegold_2last week i was perusing the website of a uk luxury erotic retailer called coco de mer, which has somewhat recently opened a store in los angeles. this was prompted by an article i read somewhere about brad pitt and angelina jolie stopping in and picking up some goodies there, but i don’t know if it was true and also that is beside the point. while i was on the site, i was trying not to be judgemental. after all, i myself have lusted for years after the jimmy jane little gold, which is ridiculously gold-plated and costs $275, but is also beautiful, tiny, silent, waterproof, and has a replaceable motor. just saying. anyway, some of the toys coco de mer sells just take the luxurious thing a little too far. Pearl_anal_beads freshwater pearl anal beads? are you fucking serious? i don’t even really like buying the most expensive brand of toilet paper! the website is replete with other such grandiose yet hurty-sounding items, such as jade cock rings and a sexy whip made of real human hair. ummmm. Njoy_pure_wand_2all of the dildos they carry are of the ultra-hard variety made of jade, glass, or metal. i have never used one of these before, and am a little intimidated by the idea, as i am new to penetration, but after reading the reviews of the njoy pure wand on the babeland website, i am very curious to try it. these hard, curved dildos are specifically designed to stimulate the gspot and make a woman ejaculate, or “squirt.” i believe someone on there described it as “tantamount to opening a faucet” which is kind of gross, but tremendously intriguing, much like any new sexual experience. if i do ever get it, i will definitely buy it from babeland, partially because i find their site to be extremely woman and queer-friendly as well as highly educational, but also because the price is way jacked-up on the coco de mer site.

babeland, like another sex shop i like in l.a. called the pleasure chest, offers a variety of toys ranging in price and quality, which is great. it is very interesting though, to see this sexy/fancy thing catching on all over america. even Carol Wright Gifts, purveyors of fine As LayaspotSeen on TV kitchen products, bras that look like they could probably deflect a moderate knifing, and who still proudly sell the first vibrator i ever laid my eyes on, now carry the fun factory laya spot vibrator, which is pricier than most, extremely well-reviewed, and also retails at coco de mer, albeit for $20 more. omg, i am also completely obsessed with shop erotic, which is a paid program that airs latenight on the oxygen channel. two women basically just sit/stand there, completely poker-faced, talking about how much they themselves love the toys they are trying to sell. i think it’s absolutely wonderful that sex toys have gone so mainstream! plus, the main host, miyoko, is pretty hot and wears serious glasses. it’s a little annoying that their prices seem high for the quality, but some of the stuff they are selling seems pretty legit. and you know nothing makes my night like hearing a blonde woman (the other host), who looks like the straightest, most vanilla girl in the world, telling america how much she thoroughly enjoys her jelly double dong. LOL. and i adore how often they say the word “dong.” why doesn’t anyone ever say “dong” anymore?

Clitclip_3oh yeah, the whole underlying point of this post, though, was that when i was on the coco de mer website i saw this, like, (SUPER NSFW) full-body necklace that eventually leads down to your clit, secretly clipping onto it. wtf, i had never heard of this before, so i felt really dumb. i looked it up. and it turns out there are a million websites selling clit clips. they sure look hilarious to me. i like how this one here has that classic chandelier shape, it’s so classy! you can look at some even funnier pics of them actually on women (ULTRA MEGA NSFW) here, if you dare. after seeing this, i actually wanted to get my hands on one of the big, jeweled ones because i will try anything once if it’s funny or shiny, but joe said no because a) it’s trashy, and b) he does not want me to accidentally cut off all circulation and break my clit.

is that possible? i doubt it. i’m so ordering one of these.

3 comments

no glove, no love

February 4, 2008 Amanda-Faye culture, el sexo, musica

um, it’s times like this when i wish i would have thought of an actual theme for this blog instead of “my opinion on various stuff” because honestly, i am way too lazy to think of interesting stuff to write about and i almost never leave the house. i have also been virtually unable to sleep, which does absolutely nothing for my sanity and sense of well-being, not to mention my complexion.

let’s see, ummm… well, i had a hot date with joe on friday night. we ate at buffalo kitchen (not the one i used to work at, a different one), which was delicious, then we saw juno. i liked the film quite a bit, but it was one of those things where the hype was just way too big and it distorted the movie a bit. it was still really enjoyable, but i should have seen it sooner. anyway, it was a lovely date night, i must say.

for some reason a movie about unwanted teenage pregnancy made me want to jump joe really bad. is that wrong? i suppose we were fucking in celebration of the single universal queer privilege: no risk of unplanned conception. hallelujah! the best part is that we totally used a condom! hahahaha. i have developed this obsession with using condoms on the dick. we have one of those fancy, lifelike vixskin dealies, but with a condom, uh, the ride is smoother. i also must admit that using one makes me feel kind of bad… maybe it’s a latent catholic schoolgirl thing, who knows.

the rest of the weekend was completely uneventful. saturday we went to ikea, which is always kind of fun, then later we had drinks for a friend’s bday. very low key.

i have a couple of posts in the works, but this whole insomnia thing is rotting my brain.

short list of things i’m excited about:

1) fafi for MAC collection. i’m not a huge fafi freak, but based on her work i think this collection is going to be really cool.

2) joining the gym

3) my hair getting longer

4) reading my boss’ new book before it’s even out! getting paid to read = ridic awesome.

5) being in love for the first time evereverever. it keeps getting better. i feel like i’m going to regret being so forthright if it ever explodes in my face, but i have never felt this way before and it’s the most wondrous feeling in the world. ew!

here are the two newest kylie minogue videos.

“wow“

verdict: LOVE the song, but the video is not as amazing or sassy as “2 hearts.” i’m glad she brought back the gay robot dancers, though. she also looks really hot, even in that puffy space suit thing.

“in my arms“

verdict: the song is fagtastic! i fucking adore this woman! do you guys realize she is, like, in her 40s?!?! soooo hot. a lot of people are commenting that she “copied” robyn on this video, but these people are obviously insane, stupid, or twelve years-old. the “girl in a box” theme was not invented by robyn, and is nothing new. HELLO “silent all these years” by tori amos. duh. don’t they teach 90s history in schools now?

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