today is the one-year anniversary of Amanda: Failure Princess. this comes with little fanfare on account of my recent over-explained hiatus. look, people, i’m not going to lie, i have somehow lost my mojo. i don’t know where it went, but i sure miss it. first, i blamed it on not having a shit job anymore, but then i realized my new “good” job was shit, then when i became unemployed, i still couldn’t write anything worth reading. next, i thought the reason i didn’t have much to say was that i fell madly in love and felt only joy surging through me and not an ounce of angst or general bitterness against the world, two of the main sources of my creativity. well… i still am in love, but i am definitely back to normal in terms of what goes on in my head on a daily basis. then, in october, my little cousin’s best friend died when his motorbike was hit by a bus. he would have been 20 last saturday. i think i will remember that night for the rest of my life, rushing to the hospital to try and be there for my cousin, but realizing that before my eyes he was being thrust further and all too quickly toward becoming a man, unable to cry, comforting me and his hysterical sister. i cried for two weeks straight, and i actually had a lot to write about, had it all worked out in my mind, but i never could. i felt guilty, i guess, in part because the truth is i barely knew cisco, though he and my cousin were inseparable. but the guilt was also because what i did know of the boy, who lay in a coma for two days before his heart reluctantly ceased to beat, was that he was so exuberant and full of life, seemingly so unafraid. i couldn’t help but think of myself when i was his age, and how i prayed every single day that my life would end, and how even though i don’t wish that every day anymore, i certainly live my life in a manner that can best be described as “ungratefully.” anyways, this depressed me and i never really wanted to write after that.
what i will say about this year is, that despite the afore-mentioned horrible tragedy, it was definitely a good one for me personally. i did some pretty stupid shit, but i learned a lot and i made a lot of new friends and found someone to love who loves me. can’t get much better than that, right? oh, i also got that job. i am personally assisting a novelist. it’s part time, but it’s a pretty cool gig and right up my alley.
also, i am currently in PORTLAND OREGON, which is majorly exciting because i have friends here i never get to see and j is from here so i get to meet all of his friends. we are off in a few hours to a nice house party and i think it will be dancetastic and fun, but not too crazy, which is apparently a recipe for a decent year for me. and i get to have a hot kiss at midnight.!
so to everyone who is still reading me: happy new year! thanks for your support. i will be here in 2008, failing, succeeding, and laughing, and i hope you will be with me too.
xo.
