now, i realize that when your life is full of such exciting things as not going to any kind of job, living out of your car, and getting hungover after only three cocktails, it is downright irresponsible to deprive the online community of your compelling tales. for this, i apologize, dear reader, and i will do whatever possible to re-earn your trust.

i will start with talking about sex toys. good thing not even my dire financial situation can keep me from going on a sex toy shopping spree. to be fair, i have a friend that works at one of the largest sex shops in los angeles, and who was happy to share her generous employee discount with me, so everything was half-off. this is important when you are allowing yourself to be talked into purchasing, among other things, a $110 vibrator. i know, i KNOW, but this thing is amazing! first of all, it is really pretty and pink, which is essential. secondly, it comes in a gorgeous gift box with a satin pouch and its charger. that’s right, it is powered by electrical charge, like a cell phone, instead of batteries. how hysterical is that? if you want to know the truth, that’s what sold me on it, not even the five different modes of vibration, powerful speed, and nearly silent motor. omg, i totally sound like one of the experts! i suppose that’s what three hours in the store will do to you though.

normally my shopping companions are absolutely appalled and opposed to my near-obsessive need to shop around, but that day my particular companion was more than willing to indulge me. one might guess that this is because of all the things he wanted to do to me with our new purchases when we got home, but i will take a great shopping partner where i can get one. now if only i could meet a makeup shopping friend that zealous… anyway, i bought my new friend the Lelo Liv vibrator after much debate and turmoil over whether i needed that or the rabbit pearl, which is old news to most, but i am new to penetration, as you all know, so this outing was like seeing the sex shop though new eyes. gone are the days of passing by the non-vibrating dildos in confusion bordering on horror. although, i must say i was rather vexed by the one with lifelike blue veins. gross, but it is nice to be able to have more options. we got an amazing new dick and an intimidatingly ribbed pink thing that is actually rather pleasant. i like that i can try new things with someone and on my own. in fact, i feel like over the last several years my attitude about sex is more open-minded in general.

i mean, i’m no prude. j’s friends were shocked and horrified that i requested a choke-out on the first date, but i have major control issues and i have, prior to my current situation, never been penetrated with anything larger than a finger (or two). when i was younger, i thought things like restraints and blindfolds were for old couples who are sick of each other, but now i realize that they are sometimes a necessity for the tightly-wound, over-analytical, control freak such as myself. i tend to panic if i can’t be absolutely in control of my body at all times, but guess what? sex can be way more fun when you’re not. oooh, unless you have mastered the art of something… like squirting vaginal orgasms or whatever. don’t look at me, i’m a g-spot amateur. although i will report, for the ever-curious, that for the first time in my life i truly enjoy getting fucked. it’s remarkable, actually. still not my favorite thing to do in bed, but something i enjoy and crave, rather than dread and roll my eyes through.

anyhoo, we also got a bunch of fun stuff like body-heat melting massage bars and a dvd called “girls down under” which is the lamest porno of all time, unless you have a giant australian bush fetish. i mean, the accents are hot, but basically the plot is, two girls try to have a cookout but the propane tank won’t work, so they get in a play fight with hot dogs (seriously) then agonizingly slowly move inside to have the most boring lesbian sex ever documented on film. this is even more alarming than that one video of two chicks fucking for hours on youporn.com in which one of them has made the dubious decision to leave her white socks on the entire time. un-hot.

oh my god, can you believe i’m writing all this? i haven’t been around for weeks and all i can think of to talk about is my pussy. wtf? oh well. you will be happy to know that i have a couple of creative projects in the works, which is great. now, if only one of those projects were going to ensure my survival for the next year or so. damn damn. damn.