i really wonder when sleep will start to come easily. i swear, my whole life, almost no matter how tired i am i can never sleep at the appropriate time. in the nighttime i just feel more at ease, awake and alive. in the daytime i am like a toothless old man falling asleep in my work chair.
speaking of office chairs, i guess 
this is more what i had in mind when i pictured myself working my first office job. i mean, sure, i have a vivid imagination and also kind of pictured myself in a pencil skirt and a pageboy, but i didn’t think the chair thing was too far-fetched. what lessons we learn, friends. i really like my new job, but i must say, i hate my chair! it is an old dining table chair with no arm rests and a ass-flattened, ripped cushion with yellowing foam filling peeking out. my back hurts so effing bad every day i am concerned i might become addicted to painkillers if i were to get my hands on any. i am already in serious danger of 
becoming heinously addicted to coffee. i have managed throughout my twenty-six years, despite my apparent acute sleep disorder, to remain caffeine-dependency free. this way of life is in grave danger, as this is the first job i have ever had where i am sitting on my butt in front of a computer screen all day. i swear, i could nod right off at any time, especially since i don’t sleep at night. so some mornings, i have just given in and had a cup of joe. no bueno. half way in, my hands start shaking and i get so sweaty i start to worry that my teen spirit deo might not hold up like it always has before. still, it makes me feel awake. filled with feelings of severe anxiety bordering on sheer terror, but awake.
i also really wonder when i will stop being really fucking paranoid about vampires. i have to figure if i haven’t met one in all my days as a luscious nocturnal nymph (ahahaha), that they must not exist. still, i find myself fearing them as a default. in fact, i am actually too scared of vampires to post a googled image of one here. i think this is what my ex meant about me being a little girl and a woman at the same time. i have huge breasts, a penchant for face-sitting, and no fear of walking through the most dangerous neighborhoods at night, but i absolutely refuse to sleep alone in the dark.
omg, speaking of walking, the other day we were driving to the bar and i saw this lady walking THE CUTEST little white dog everrrr that looked kind of like this picture except not a suffed animal and way cuter and more weird and dorky with impossibly short-ass legs. oh man, i love dogs that look kind of like a mistake. 
i started screaming, he was just so cute! anyways, today ajai and i were driving back from walking (shut up) around the silverlake reservoir and she was all, “hey, isn’t that that cute dog?” and it SO WAS! i slowed my car down to a crawl and totally scared the shit out of his elderly woman owner. she was so unhappy and hostile-looking. geeze, lady, it’s the middle of the day and two girls in a VW golf wearing yoga pants are not going to jump you. oh, i guess i would be kind of edgy too if i was walking the cutest little white dog ever. it would be kind of like being in the secret service. i totally sound insane right now. i don’t even like dogs that much, but that damn dog was so damned cute…
it was pretty lucky we saw that little dog because i was getting concerned that i am starting to become like my grandmother when it comes to these things. she hates animals and comedies. i, thus-far, only hate most children and the movie “amelie,” two facts which you should never blurt out unless you want everyone to look at you strangely and get all quiet. whatever, get a room softie.
hey, have you guys noticed i keep talking about my family a bunch lately? what do you think that means? do you think maybe i am ready to go back to therapy and instead of bitching about how everyone takes advantage of me, how i have irreparably fucked up my future, and how much i simply just don’t want to live anymore, i am ready to delve deep into the issues of my past and childhood i have avoided all these years to get to the root of those problems?
no way.
nice blog
thanks!