goddamnit, it’s hard being a self-employed, self-educated, semi-self-disciplined writer. i am trying to write a little every day and post here at least once a day during the week, but sometimes i just don’t feel like it. to get myself motivated i sit in front of my laptop and imagine that i am a writer of yore, hammering away at the keys of a typewriter with a cigarette dangling from my lips. to get the full effect, i actually light a cig. it actually usually works, but then i am faced with the problem of trying to smoke and use my precious computer at the same time, so i half-heartedly put it out. so much for the theatrics.
for the record, i am over being smart, funny, and “a cool girl.” also, someone called me “sweet” last night and i swear it took all i had not to rip off her eyebrows with my teeth. look, a-duh, it’s nice to be appreciated for my personality. if i didn’t want that, i wouldn’t spend pretty much every waking hour perfecting my charm, but i don’t need positive reinforcement from anyone who isn’t going to get me paid anymore. i don’t wanna hear it. i don’t even like compliments unless they pertain to my clothes or hair, and that is the truth. once i tried to do an experiment in which i didn’t talk at all in hopes of radiating mystery, but it lasted all of an hour. luckily, i love experiments, so i am totally going to try that one again soon. maybe this weekend.
let us note that i have apparently lost all ability to spell.
anyways, the point at hand: because of my oft-mentioned near complete lack of shame, i have very few guilty pleasures. there are, however, enough to make a short list, and who doesn’t like reading about other people’s closet joys?
1. beef jerky.
my vegan and veg friends are probably vomming onto their keyboards right now, but it’s true. it tastes so good, but how is a lady supposed to admit that she likes tearing into strips of theoretically cooked meat? gross. mmm… teriyaki…
2. conversly, there is something i love that is so girly even for me, so insanely vag-ulous, that i rarely discuss it. sarah mclachlan.
seriously, sometimes you just need some sarah in your life. i don’t sit around stroking my copy of “surfacing” or anything, but whenever a sarah song comes on my ipod, i hover my thumb over the skip button and look around to see if anyone is watching before breaking into a FULL ON sing-along. “sweet surrender,” indeed.
3. self-diagnosis. growing up in a family in which i had to listen to my mom and aunt constantly saying tings like “i think i am going to die soon, mija” or “i’m pretty sure i have cancer,” i learned early on that it is 
important to obsess over what horrible ailments could possibly overtake me. when i was little, i swiped my grandpa’s big, red medical encyclopedia and sat in the living room for hours reading about leukemia, influenza related deaths, and the difference between boils and carbuncles. i feel that because of this rich history, i was able to ascertain that i had walking pneumonia last week. i have also recently determined that i most likely have body dysmorphic disorder, OCD, and maybe even vaginismus. what am i going to do about any of this? the answer is simple: self-medicate. jk jk.
4. breaking things. okay, so i know this is a common one, but understand that it’s not really like me. i don’t get that kind of pleasure people get out of smashing bottles or popping balloons. i generally prefer objects to meet their demise quietly. therefore, one way i can experience the sweet taste of distruction is when i am about to throw away a cosmetics item when it gets too old to use.
i smash every single lipstick, crack and scrape at the eyeshadow and powder pans, bend the mascara wands until they snap. hahahaha. diabolical!
5.
biting. a necessary undertaking, however one i find what i believe to be an usual amount of pleasure in. my poor fingernails! my poor friends! note to self: buy more chewing gum, take more lovers.
6. tabloids. seriously, i love them. i even like to read old ones i already read. how sad is that? they are seriously so entertaining and colorful. they ask hard-hitting questions like, who wore this 
dress better, the chick from that show i don’t watch b/c i don’t have cable or that chick from “grey’s anatomy” which i don’t watch cause i hate being bored to tears? that might not sound like a question that should be interesting or relevant to me, but it is, it is, again and again, mostly on th toilet. the best part is, sometimes i will still buy them even though that shit is basically free on the internet now, what with all the gossip blogs and video sites. still, it’s so nice to have a hard copy, you know? as they say, the book is always better than the youtube.
well, that’s all for now. i’m tired and i have to go to work tomorrow and also make an important phone call. i feel pretty good right now because all i really want to do is work on my writing and read a shit ton. and drink with my friends, but not too much.
lastly:
here is a picture of me with a kitten.
okay, byebye.
