Amanda Failure Princess

now that pride is over, we can focus on what’s really important: what ever happened to those cigarettes they invented that didn’t burn and created no ash? they were called eclipse and they were all the fuck over the place when i was in beauty school a couple of years ago. we would go out to bars and they would be giving them away for free, practically BEGGING you to take them. i remember my friends and i would be sitting on the patio at school and sometimes no one would have any cigs except, like, ten packs of free eclipse and it was a real bummer. you lit them like a regular cigarette, but they didn’t burn down. they heated from the inside and produced a vapour. wtf? they sucked. i would sooner smoke toenail clippings.

anyways, i don’t really smoke.

OMG, i think i officially smoke! it has come to that point. terrifying! i used to be the one who could have a pack for like, two weeks and now i am going through about two a week. this is no bueno. i blame parliament lights and their appealing recessed filter and regal packaging. oh hell, i want one right now! all i have are two packs of crappy kools i got free in san fran. the girl who was giving them out looked at me like i was insane and said “i don’t know, i don’t smoke!” when i asked her what the difference in the taste between the “groove” and “vibe” flavors was. i chose groove, fyi.

i was going to quit proper when i turned twenty-six, but instead i started smoking more than ever. i am really going to quit after i lose twenty pounds, i swear. i don’t even like smoking that much, i just always need to have something in my mouth. plus, smoking is giving me party voice. i hate party voice, it has always been my pet peeve. you know that girl that sounds perpetually hoarse like she has been “PARTYING SO HARD MAN!” gross. i am so her right now, have been for weeks.

i am planning on really quitting soon though and taking better care of my skin and body. my skin looks terrible because of all the smoke, booze, n’ stress. i’m going to go into semi-hiding in the near future. as soon as i save enough cash i am gonna get a deep chemical peel, drink eighteen cups of that racist herbal laxative tea and not leave my house for three days. it’s going to be so awesome.

for now i’m pretty excited because i found the $50 gift card to sephora that my ex gave me last christmas. this means i can actually buy foundation instead of living my life lurking in the shadows. i don’t know what kind to get though. should i stick with the obvious classic laura mercier liquid, which goes on and covers like a dream, go with the slightly messy but skin-perfecting bare minerals, try something new like the benefit play stick foundation my roomate swears by, or look into something entirely new and ridiculously expensive? i just DON’T KNOW. oh, i guess these are just the kind of predicaments people with money have to deal with. siiigh. oh, and by “people with money” i mean people with old, scratched-up gift cards that are a symbol of someone’s last, desperate attempt to buy their love. yeah, that’s what i mean.