if you have low self-esteem like i do, never pass up an opportunity to have sex with someone (provided they are disease and drama-free), even if you’re not that into them. the worst thing that can happen is that you don’t get to have any sex. the best thing that can happen is you get to have sex. think about it, people! don’t judge me.
Archive for June 5, 2007
slim smokey
now that pride is over, we can focus on what’s really important: what ever happened to those cigarettes they invented that didn’t burn
and created no ash? they were called eclipse and they were all the fuck over the place when i was in beauty school a couple of years ago. we would go out to bars and they would be giving them away for free, practically BEGGING you to take them. i remember my friends and i would be sitting on the patio at school and sometimes no one would have any cigs except, like, ten packs of free eclipse and it was a real bummer. you lit them like a regular cigarette, but they didn’t burn down. they heated from the inside and produced a vapour. wtf? they sucked. i would sooner smoke toenail clippings.
anyways, i don’t really smoke.
OMG, i think i officially smoke! it has come to that point. terrifying! i used to be the one who could have a pack for like, two weeks and now i am going through about two a week. this is no bueno. i blame parliament lights and their appealing recessed filter and regal packaging. oh hell, i want one right now! all i have are two packs of crappy kools i got free in san fran. the girl who was giving them out looked at me like i was insane and said “i don’t know, i don’t smoke!” when i asked her what the difference in the taste between the “groove” and “vibe” flavors was. i chose groove, fyi.
i was going to quit proper when i turned twenty-six, but instead i started smoking more than ever. i am really going to quit after i lose twenty pounds, i swear. i don’t even like smoking that much, i just always need to have something in my mouth. plus, smoking is giving me party voice. i hate party voice, it has always been my pet peeve. you know that girl that sounds perpetually hoarse like she has been “PARTYING SO HARD MAN!” gross. i am so her right now, have been for weeks.
i am planning on really quitting soon though and taking better care of my skin and body. my skin looks 
terrible because of all the smoke, booze, n’ stress. i’m going to go into semi-hiding in the near future. as soon as i save enough cash i am gonna get a deep chemical peel, drink eighteen cups of that racist herbal laxative tea and not leave my house for three days. it’s going to be so awesome.
for now i’m pretty excited because i found the $50 gift card to sephora that my ex gave me last christmas. this means i can actually buy foundation instead of living my life lurking in the shadows. i don’t know what kind to get though. should i stick with the obvious classic laura mercier liquid, which goes on and covers like a dream, go with the slightly messy but skin-perfecting bare minerals, try something new like the benefit play stick foundation my roomate swears by, or look into something entirely new and ridiculously expensive? i just DON’T KNOW. oh, i guess these are just the kind of predicaments people with money have to deal with. siiigh. oh, and by “people with money” i mean people with old, scratched-up gift cards that are a symbol of someone’s last, desperate attempt to buy their love. yeah, that’s what i mean.
gay roots, hoots, and fruit suits: san francisco pride 2007
this post is going to be mostly pics, as i am tired and my brain is filled with little fuzzies.
so we headed out on the road at around 11:00 a.m., two hours behind schedule! in our car was myself, ajai, kp, vanessa xkiller, and a whole asshaul of her sew gay t-shirts. sew awesome. we dubbed our car “team something special” and occupied ourselves for the first few hours by listening to the likes of hot chip and r. kelly’s “feelin’ on yo booty.” down the road we met up with amy caron, van, bobbi, and deanna, who we would later come to know as “team jameson party” car. we were munching it up at in ‘n out when lo’ and behold, “team illegal substances” car shows up. ahhh, lesbians love vegetarian-friendly, mid-range fast food joints! what fun!
clockwise from left: kp, hedo, tina, ajai, deanna, bobbi, van, amy, and vanessa. not shown: me, duh.
we rolled in around 7 p.m. after a long day of driving and filming screen tests for our docu-drama “full moon/flower pussy/why doesn’t anyone make fun of kp or vanessa?” (working title), then changed, made a few drinks, and headed out to the lexington for one drink before going to hot pants where my dear friend vera (dj automaton) was spinning an early set. long story short there was a brief fiasco, ajai and i missed the lex, and by the time we got into hot pants we were ready to party. a little too ready. one of the last things i remember about being there was taking two jagermeister shots out of tiny plastic cups. everyone said the dancing part was fun, but i don’t remember anything after vera’s set (which i danced my ass off to. so great!). the pix from in there suck because i was hammered and over-stimulated. then there are a bunch of us on the street trying to get a cab to go to this afterparty, finally giving up and walking to a mysterious van someone supposedly had waiting, then getting into the back of said van and drinking a bottle of jack. wtf?
vanessa about to unleash a world of schoolin’ on the sf dance floor.
freckles and heckles demonstrating how they feel about unauthorized photos. but in an authorized one.
much to their disappointment, there was no smoking allowed in the back of that terrifying van.
amy and lindsey just trying to get thier drink on + my zombie hand reaching for the infamous stolen bottle of jack…
= me shortly after falling into a bush somewhere on the street.
so as you can imagine, i was HURTING the in the morning. normally when i drink i have very little shame, but i hate when i black out because i have no idea what horrible things i may have done, and i KNOW i was off my head that night. kind of bummed about it, but luckily all of my friends are amazing and took really good care of me and didn’t give me a hard time. i woke up in bobbi’s hotel room instead of my own with bobbi, the lovely sujey lee, deanna, and amy. i slept in my clothes (thanks for taking off my boots bobbi!), and then i showered but had to wear the same clothes and no underpants for the better part of the next day, despite the fact that i brought about seventeen costume changes for this two-day trip. ugh! luckily vanessa sells underwear as well as t-shirts. geeze!
hangover burritos at cancun, joined by aubree of swan island and a girl called noodle.
san fran-sujey. post-burrito, pre-lexington vodka sodas.
after some much needed hair of the dog (?) at the lexington (i had two delicious mimosas), we headed to dolores park to where hundreds of gays were demonstrating their freedom. there was public drinking, public nudity, public affection, and all kinds of ladies. it was awesome! it took a while to find our friends but once we did we just seemed to attract more and more people representing l.a. i dubbed our group “the deL.A.gaYtion” get it? ha.
xkiller and caron selling t-shirts and attitude. hahaha.
baby d. protecting her smooth, precious skin from the sun. we don’t call her baby for nothing.
some members of the deL.A.gaYtion dressed more festively than others.
still, i was definitely proud of all of us.
DAMN PROUD!
so it was getting near the time to start wrapping things up before the dyke march at 7 p.m. vanessa, baby d., and i bonded as we took xkiller’s wares back to the car on what was “THE MOST FUCKING HYSTERICAL TRIP TO THE CAR EVERRRR!!!” at least acording to our invisible friend “SHELLLLAYYY.” i got a chance to change into new clothes at the car with the lovely care package ajai brought me from our hotel. i won’t pretend i didn’t order them to bring my my dior perfume and toiletries, but she included some extras i didn’t even think of like my good sunglasses. awww! then we brought back with us the pièce de résistance, the unofficial eastside lesbian mascot, if you will: terry p. the banana suit. amy caron had volunteered earlier to be the banana, but i don’t think she really knew what she was getting herself into. i have seen it before. when someone steps inside that suit, she BECOMES the banana. and what a badass banana she was. let the pictures tell the story….
that’s not coffee in the banana’s cup, i’ll tell ya that much.
okay, so far so good. the banana chillin’ with kp. wait, is that a different drink in the banana’s hand? is that a TECATE LIGHT???
holding the banana’s beer just before she bolted for the hill…
one of maybe a dozen times the banana ran up a hill, did stretches, then rolled down the hill to the delight of the crowd.
is this banana some kind of athletic superhero???
well, she sure falls like a pro.
alright, so i think you get my point. i put myself in charge of minding the banana, thinking there was some remainder of my sweet, little friend amy inside, but the banana had taken over. one minute she was letting me walk along beside her holding her peel, and the next she was tearing off like a yellow devil. at one point she tripped over an orange then picked it up and drop kicked it shouting “well, fuck you, motherfucking orange!” that’s right, a banana drop kicking an orange, and the evening had just begun….
dyke march!
the sign above them said “femme love for sale” why didn’t i think of that?
fierce friends from portland including vera from swan island (middle left) and the always fabulous niki(middle right).
kate the pisces, deanna, and bobbi, feeling the love.
don’t call them milk mustaches. (*blurred to protect the nips of the innocent.)
OMG, IS THAT VANESSA FROM “CURL GIRLS”?!?!?
alright, well, that’s really all i got folks. the march was amazing. everyone was happy and dancing around, there were people hanging out of their windows with signs and beads, we peed in the street a lot and no one minded. it was bliss. we were hanging out on this one corner for quite a bit just talking and running around and enjoying being friends and being gay, and just being out in the twilight of a different city. i was nervous a bit later because we lost the banana (she was fine) and my phone ran out and i ended up getting disconnected from some of my friends, but the friends i was with went to a dance club and cut a rug. it was fun. i didn’t take any more pics because my batteries were low and my face was busy, so you’re just going to have to take my word for it.
i can’t wait for next year!
road trip!
i’m so excited about this weekend i can barely sleep. um, not that that’s anything new.
i was in the middle of writng a very intense blog yesterday when my computer freaked out and started backspacing it all. sign? YES.
so, i will probably not be writing until monday, if not tuesday. expect tons of gay gay pics!
wish me luck, my goal is to make out with a 40 yr old bull dyke.
jk?
all gay, every gay
although i definitely take notice of them, to say that i am adherant to life’s signs and omens is a touch inaccurate. this is because what i actually tend to do is notice them then do the exact opposite of what they seem to be trying to tell me. today i came home from hanging out at my friend’s house feeling alright. i did good today. i went to work even though i am deathly ill with a cold, then i went to ajai’s and had a chat, went for a walk in the hills (fell in love with l.a. again), ate some soup, didn’t drink a drop of the “healing” whiskey presented to me, and came home ready to begin preparing for a similar day tomorrow. well, as i walked to my front door, laying directly in the front walkway was a dead pigeon. i guess that would have not been too bad if it looked like it was mangled by a cat or something, but it looked like it literally plunked down in mid-flight.
yikes.
so i’m going out of town this weekend!
to san francisco gay pride for the first time. i am super-excited because i need to get the fuck away for a while, and yet a ton of my friends are going so it’s going to be like having the comforts of home without the home part and with way more erotic lesbian foreplay.
i have been making the necessary preparations. got a haircut and a wax on friday, staying in all this week to save money and energy, and am walking up as many hills as possible to cut my complaining quota in 
half. i’m not really planning on having illicit sex with any bay area hussies, but i intend upon enjoying my fair share of make-out sessions. i don’t know, maybe it won’t happen though. i am kind of shy and now i am paranoid about my perfume. a couple of weeks ago i was at what may have been the kickoff of lesbain make-out season, and this girl i was making out with went for the neck. moments later she recoiled, squinting and batting at her tongue in distaste. too much dior, TOO MUCH DIOR! oops. maybe jessica simpson was onto something with those flavored “dessert” fragrances. too bad i think they got discontinued because they smelled like melty popsicle twat. oh well. i happen to know i have a pretty good natural chemistry/smell/taste, but i like smelling expensive. now, how to do so without tasting like bittersweet death? i just don’t know. quite a quandary.
anyhoo, as promised, here are a few pics from the silverlake dyke march. they are not good pictures, but they give you an idea of the fun:
the requisite gaint lamé vulva and cigarette girls
dykes on bicycles love lisa’s belt buckle more than they love the camera
sujey, ajai, jaime lopez, and des. i told them to look extra gay. success!
new stripey friend, sonia, and dj jay. also looking gay.
lisa jumpstarting the unicycle girl. gaysian pride.
queer sex workers do it better… wait, IT means carrying banners, right? mommy?
i’d say despite my crappy pictures and camera dying within moments of the march getting underway, it was a complete success. well, it looked like one anyway. the crowd was more than twice as large as it was two years ago when i last went, and was filled with women of every age, size, and color. plus a bunch of really supportive people in passing cars, honking and waving away. it was pretty inspiring actually.
we decided to taper off all that feminine energy by attending gay pride in west hollywood, home of the largest selection of shirtless men ever, the next day. it was actually pretty fun. i mean, i had moments where i looked around at some of the people there and was like, “ew” but then i thought, “wait, amanda-faye, you are being awfully hoity-toity for a girl who just used a porta-potty that was out of toilet paper and thus wiped with a flier for a gay dating website!” touché, voice of reason, touché.
once we made our way to the hip hop tent, things took a turn for the better. there was a small crowd surrounding some breakdancers and i was thinking, whatevs, i don’t want to watch them, i want to show off my own moves. but oh no, these people were amazing! the boys were so good, and this one girl was outrageously good. it made me want to seriously practice my moves.
well, that’s all i got. i have some new batts for my camera so this pride weekend is going to be well-documented photographically, i promise! kind of sad to think that after this weekend there will be no more local gay pride events… wait, actually we are all supposed to go to l.a. black pride in july. yesss!
plus there is that whole being proud year-round thing. duh.
open door
sometimes i really believe that when god closes one door, s/he really does open another. sure, the other door is the size of a cat door and i am an upwards of 30 pounds overweight… but damnit if i’m not all greased up and ready to go. get in it.
gift
if each day is a precious gift, then most days you will find me digging through the tissue paper in the box, frantically searching for the receipt.
today was an exception.
i had a decent day at work. i have been holding out on you guys, I GOT A NEW JOB! i haven’t quit Buffalo Kitchen yet, but i have to now because the new job just told me they want me to work full time. it’s a pretty sweet gig, working out of an office in los feliz for a skincare company with cool people. 10-5, not too shabby. lord knows i’m not a morning person, but ten isn’t too bad. and i get to do stuff my crazy little brain loves like filing stuff and being anywhere near beauty products. oh man. today i pre-filed a bunch of invoices and i nearly had an orgasm. plus i have been using the product line and so far i love it. full review to come. omg, plus the pay is really good for me and i get to be at least semi-by the computer.
also, yes, i’m kind of depressed right now, but it feels kind of good and familiar. going out every night and dancing and smiling, sure, that’s great and all, but one must never forget where they come from. i come from sitting in the shower, clutching my knees against my chest beneath the rushing water, imagining that if i could just cry hard enough, the drain would take me too.
hahahahaha. um.
seriously though, i am pretty down. i had some special time alone with myself last night, but i didn’t feel like writing much. amy gave me the new tegan and sara album and i listened to it all the way home from driving her to LAX. bad move. it needs to grow on me, but some of the songs are quite good, and very sad. something about tegan and sara just gets to me. i don’t really know what it is, but it pierces me in the heart part and makes me feel all longing and shit. for what or whom, i do not know.
i haven’t been sleeping well. i still have no curtains and moon and then the sun don’t want me to sleep. been having strange, realistic dreams. the other night i dreamt i was dancing with myself and i woke up clutching one of my dresses. not one of my favorites.
oh, yeah, anyway, back to why today DIDN’T suck. i was really tired at work, obviously. i think it’s so unfair that i’m not going out but i still get no sleep. my brain didn’t really wake up until about 1:30 p.m. and by then i was in full filing swing. good times. i have never had a legit daytime job before. it’s pretty interesting. after two o’clock the day whizzes by.
after work i actually decided to suck it up and go walking around the reservoir. turns out i decided to run most of the way. as they say, hell hath no fury like a woman scorned excercising. it was pretty incredible, actually. i haven’t run that thing in so long. it felt really good to be out in the sunshine sweating it out. i was pretty shocked i could even run half an inch with how out of shape i am, but i’m thinking all the dancing i do has something to do with it. well, that and the concentrated rage.
so all in all, it was a good day. i am thinking too much and being in my head for the first time in some time, and it is painful, but i think it’s good. i am working hard and working out, which is good. i’m going out tonight sober, which can be oddly entertaining if you’re with the right people, and i will be.
thank you, Whomever, for this decent day.
missed opportunities
if you ask me, if the early bird gets the worm, there must be something really special waiting for the late bird. maybe a nice grilled salmon with dilled roasted potatoes, or a hearty vegetarian lasagna. i don’t know, i have never really been a fan of breakfast anyway.
always the pridesmaid, never the pride
remember when i promised to write a lot? sorry. i had a crazy week/end. i also wish i had more pics besides the few from the dyke march… camera sucked those batteries right up. i’m posting those in my next post, gay pride part two. part TWO? you ask, but this one is like, a ten page essay. yeah, sorry okay, i need to write it. just read it, okay? the next part will be short.
so this weekend, los angeles gay pride weekend, brought the flavor of many different fruits (ha). one might even say a rainbow (haha). let’s see, there was love, sense of community, celebration, inevitable ill-advised make-out sessions, vodka, and just a touch of rage.
yup, that’s about it. being a lesbian is full of ups and downs like that. i’d like to think it doesn’t have to be that way, and as they say “let change begin with me.” but they also say “it takes a village” and if the whole village is drunk, horny, and hunts in the same woods every night, there is going to be a bit of a problem.
thursday
i personally don’t normally engage in such activities, but it WAS a special occasion…. um, occasion(s), as it all started on thursday at bait, where i danced a bunch then went back to a friend’s house. i apparently was chasing tequila shots with vodka on the rocks and got so hammered i don’t remember most of the night. i dunno, i guess i fell over a bunch of times because i have bruises on my arms. i don’t get embarrassed really by stuff like that because almost everyone has been “that girl” at some point or another, and i figure i only have three or four of those kinds of nights left between now and the time i turn 27, which is that much closer to 30. maybe my friends get embarrassed of me sometimes, but most of them don’t mind. i think i make it up to most of them when they have to see me like that or take care of me with the fact that i have done/would do it for any of them, by being “on” pretty much every second, drunk or sober, almost always being there to try and absorb their insecurities with my self-deprecating humor, and never telling them when they use the wrong word for something and it embarrasses me.
friday
i had a hangover that would have kept a lesser woman in bed for days, but instead i went out that night to this art show downtown because my friend tina helped start the gallery and i was looking forward to meeting up with some people. it did not go well, i had a horrible anxiety attack and was shaking and incapable of being myself. well, until later at akbar when christina aguilera’s smash hit “genie in a bottle” came on. that song just really sets me right. well, it did for a bit anyway. dancing generally does.
saturday
was the big day/night. the silverlake dyke march was actually really fun and inspiring. next year can only get better. i decided i want to be more involved in my community. and i am talking about political involvements because lord knows i don’t need any more personal ones.
the march was on sunset from the vista theatre to the eagle (gauntlet/gspot/ghole/it figures) where there were performances, drinks, laughs, and good times. i was having so much fun.
it was somewhere in between there and the huge party my friend vanessa had planned downtown that things started to go terribly awry. for several months now, i have been in the middle of nursing an completely unexpected wound to my ego. the sheer unfathomability of this situation is further complicated by the fact that i wasn’t even aware that i had an ego, and it’s a little hard to fix something when you don’t know why it’s broken or where it is even, let alone how to fix it.
anyways, this mysterious bruise has led me to behave in ways i’m not proud of at all, particularly on nights of drinking and high drama. oh my god, guys, if only i could share the juicy details of any given night out on the scene. too bad i am saving those for the book. oh, and also that i am so discrete, heehee. thing is, it’s not fun when it’s my drama. lame. it makes it very difficult for me take it all in. plus, i’m not into being an angry lady. i’m more of a funny lady. actually, even when i’m angry i’m pretty funny, but it’s not very amusing for the recipient of said anger, deserving or not. i just really need to learn how to properly express hurt and indignation so that each time i feel that way i can let it go gracefully instead of bottling all of it inside, fermenting it until it becomes a bitter, potent wine, then drinking all of that wine and stumbling around spewing venom in a miniskirt.
i won’t go into the details of the evening’s mishaps, because i want to stress that it was an amazing party. vanessa is awesome and the event she put together was really book* and i’m just really unhappy with myself for getting so drunk and letting certain things get to me. there was fantastic art, two dance rooms, a karaoke stage, dance dance revolution, craftspeople selling their wares, and um, two dollar sake bombs. but you mustn’t blame the drink, only the drinker. well, i think you can kind of blame the drink a little when it’s cheap sake, but you would be especially irate with the drinker if it’s you and you have been waiting for this event for months, were really proud of your friends for organizing it, and wished to hell you could remember most of it. i do know i had a great time dancing, was really happy to see all my friends in one place celebrating pride weekend, and was having a laugh until i did a bunch of stupid things.
conclusion
that being said, i have decided i am going to lay off the sauce for a while. after you have recouped from the fall you just had off your chair, i will tell you that no, i am not an alcho. i am also not an alcho in denial. i’m just going through a lot of shit right now and it’s obvious that i don’t need to be drinking the QUANTITY i have been lately. that has always been my litmus test for whether or not i need to slow down. i drink on a fairly regular basis, but i don’t always drink too many drinks. having blackout moments two nights in one weekend is not okay with me. if i do something dumb or sexy i want to remember it so i can replay it in my mind again and again then punish myself equally for fucking up or for enjoying myself too much, as i am wont to do.
this is perfect timing too, because normally i get hungry in the summer for creative action and i have been missing it because i am never home and rarely sober. no more, i say! i’m going to start a few new projects you will be hearing plenty about and some secret ones you will never know. oh, and i’m also going to try and stop thinking of myself as nothing more than a silhouette of what i could have been, an actor in the exercise of a lifetime, the residual wit and beautiful hair of someone who used to be going to be someone someday.
and that is all.
*”book” is the new word for cool. a girl at my work was telling me that her T9 texting always writes “book” instead of “cool” and that became an inside joke among her friends. i decided that’s the coolest thing, nay, bookest thing i ever heard and am stealing it. hurray! i have been looking for a new word for “cool” for years now.
just a quick note about my last post
i’m not going to do this a lot, since i feel like i should/can write whatever i want on this blog, and it is a creative endeavor, if very personal. if you are in my life, sometimes i will write about you. send me and email if you want me to *name changed to protect the innocent* you.
anyway, okay, you can all stop the angry texts, phone calls, and emails. first of all, my last post was not meant to be an attack on anyone. it was me expressing my feelings… um, and this is my blog, soooo…
secondly, if you think that post is about you it probably isn’t. the fact that more than one person thinks it’s about them is making me wonder, is it you guys, or is it me? hmm. very interesting. controversial, yes, but i’m glad i wrote it.
anyhoo, i’m gonna be house/dog/cat sitting at a house with a real live internet connection this week, so expect posts galore! the fine topics to be covered include but are not limited to:
*necking (haha, i live in the 50s)
*cute shoes
*why i don’t drink whiskey
*the new skincare line i’m trying out
*intimacy
*the butch/femme perspective on what is sexy
*why i’m going to miss Buffalo Kitchen if i ever quit aka BuffKitch: Where Fashion Went to Die/I Like to Watch
*lesbians love pants
actually, i dunno guys, i’m pretty lazy. that might all be one post. oh well.