Amanda Failure Princess

i decided that since this is a holiday weekend i could take some time off and not write anything. the trouble is i am grumpy and restless, which makes me want to write. that, and after friday night at akbar i have decided that i am boycotting holiday weekends from this day forward.

we all know going out on the weekends in l.a. is risky biz because of the hideous weekend warriors, but akbar has come to be my solace from that. pretty much the same people go there every weekend, they are all gay, and i am usually too wasted and dancing with my friends so i don’t care anyway. but my god, my god, friday night was a cruel, eye-opening journey into the reality of most bars on any given weekend… in the valley. i don’t know what was going on, but everyone except our group looked terrible. there were more straight people there than ever and none of them looked like they were from anywhere around here. there were girls in ill-fitting, light wash flared jeans, printed tunics, and bad highlights as far as the eye could see. i even spied a crocheted shawl in the crowd. all that and i was SOBER. it was all i could do to keep from openly weeping on the dance floor. never again, i swear.

okay, just for the sensitive folks, i want to make it clear that i have nothing against straight people. i’m just saying that when i go to a gay (man) bar, i expect to be surrounded by well-dressed fags, a smattering of hags, and a handful or two of lesbians. on that note, the gspot (gauntlet/eagle) wednesday girl nights are seemingly in danger of being overrun by men. this is irritating, and borderline offensive. those guys get that bar all week, why do they have to show up on our night, hog both restrooms, and touch us inappropriately thinking it’s okay because they are gay? gross. i don’t know who to complain to, but i am going to complain.

as i mentioned earlier, i am extremely on edge right now. i feel like this has mostly to do with the fact that i hate my shitty job, am exhausted all the time, have no money to pay my rent, and… well, there is some other stuff.

BUT, the good news is, i have good news. i am holding off on reporting it until i can get all the facts straight, but let me just tell you, things are looking up.

i just wish i could have a bunch of money RIGHT now. it makes me sad that i am still going to have to wait god knows how long before i can afford plastic surgery. omg, i just spent, like, an hour online researching procedures. i think my last few scraps of self-acceptance have finally melted away. at this point pretty much the only surgery i don’t want is labiaplasty. this makes no sense to me. i have researched it a bit and am still so skeptical. the link i posted has a bunch of before and after pics, but they just aren’t very convincing. only a few of the women look even remotely abnormal, if one can say that at all. the website says some women have to get it because their large labia minora interfere with sexual intercourse… okay, fine, maybe. but it also says they can interfere with the comfort of wearing tight pants. the simple solution to that, if you ask me, is this wonderful, magic helper we like to call underpants. the main point that particular website seems to be driving home, though, is the utter EMBARRASSMENT of large or uneven labia minora or large labia majora.

look people, i am going to be straight with you right here and now, i have “healthy” sized labia majora and uneven labia minora and i have no problem with it what-so-ever. in fact, i have been told on multiple occations by more than a few people (okay, more like exactly a few) that i have a fantastic pussy. i don’t hate on girls with tiny or no outer lips, but i have never thought that looked “normal” per se. in fact, i think it looks a little goofy, especially when they shave off all the hair. furthermore, i have had the “uneven” inner lips conversation with countless friends of mine, and i don’t think one single girl has said she doesn’t have one side larger than the other. my right side is slightly larger, and i will have you know, that little piece of skin is extra-sensitive and loves attention, a matter upon which no one has ever complained. ever.

and so it is in closing that i would like to say we must be thankful for life’s small blessings. today i am thankful for the fact that i have happened upon one part of my body i wouldn’t sell a kidney to afford to have surgically altered. well, that and the invention of dark denim. what kind of jeans did fashionable people wear at night before dark denim? i hope to never find out, i honestly don’t want to know!