Amanda Failure Princess

if working out of the restaurant on catering jobs has taught me anything, it’s that my family rules. well, i supose the real lesson is that most people suck, but seeing as one of my greatest hobbies is bringing it all back to me, i have decided to compare all other parties to the parties my family throws. at one of our family parties, there is no way there would be a tiny dining table with huge, shitty sculptural candelabras the NO ONE CAN MOVE OR ELSE that the caterers have to somehow arange a giant trough-like chafing dish full of fucking spinach and artichoke dip and chips and salsa between. at one of our parties, there would be no skinny, orange hags wrinking their noses at the food before settling on half a chicken breast. at one of our parties, there is no way my mom would allow a bunch of riff-raff looking kids who had to drive a hideous van, lug out a bunch of hot food, and stand around all night serving mashed potatoes and making entertaining banter leave without at least two full plates each. it’s not even that i want to eat the stupid food (i mean, i do), but it’s the principle.

i can’t help but think about my mom in situations like that. sometimes she annoys the shit out of me because she is always giving stuff away and it gets kind of embarrassing. like, the appropriate response to “ooh, i really like your bracelet!” is not “thanks! you want it?” but that’s my mom. and once i got really mad at her because she tried to give all of my birthday cupcakes away to the staff at my grandpa’s nursing home even though i wanted to take them to another party i was going to so my friends could eat them. still, being away from my family and out and about seeing how other people do certain things has brought me to a whole new level of appreciation for her and for all of my aunts, uncles, and cousins. especially, though, for my grandparents, who taught us all the importance of being generous and caring towards others, even those who are working for you. um, and obviously how to throw fabulous parties.

i wanted to try and start to take the reins as the future generation of my family, but i am lazy, fuck up everything i touch, and get easily frustrated with children, adults, and the elderly. not really much of a people person. you can see, then, why i felt it was a fine idea to enter the food industry.

sometimes i really do wish i was the kind of girl who was, like… how any glimpse into my closet or vanity drawer would lead you to believe the good lord meant to make me. sweet, pretty, and domestic, with a flair for matters of the home and family, and who possesses an inexhaustible tolerance for high heels. in reality, i am a sweet-ish, pretty-enough booze-hound who likes to laugh, dance, write, and fuck or talk about laughing, dancing, writing, and fucking. the high heel thing is kind of true though. almost.

p.s. how much do you LOVE the carrots photoshopped into that pic of a chafing dish above. hahahaha.