i am sorry i haven’t been writing at all lately, been busy. and by “busy” i mean desperately trying to cry but coming up with nothing.
and finally moving into my new place!
i started my job at Mystery Restaurant X today. it was horrible. pics to come of the hideous uniform i had to buy and the ugliest shoes you ever saw in your life.
i am building a tiny tiny bridge.
the coolest, most awesome, fun, nice, great band from portland are staying at our place for a couple of days and have shows in l.a. wednesday and thursday which are gonna be off the chain. they are swan island. check them out.
the next couple of days are gonna be fun. i am buyin new camera batteries TOMORROW, and then posts of all the fun and more good stuff are forthcoming, i promise. i was imagining myself getting hit by various cars last night and thinking that i really didn’t want my last entry to be the last entry i ever wrote. i feel similarly about this one.
so, yeah, gotta write more.
reading poetry tonight in front of a bunch of people. scared shitless.
you know, lately i have been thinking “wait, why is my website called this? i’m not so bad… ” but in the last couple of days i have been jarred back into reality. i am a complete and total fuckup. seriously, it’s almost absurd how i screw up everything and sabotage myself on the constant.
if there is a deadline, you can count on me not to meet it. bill to pay? nope. place i have to be at a certain date or time? nuh-uh. it’s really ridiculous, especially considering i can still remember the exact smell and feel of every fiber in my first love’s school sweater.
i don’t understand how someone so cynical can be so impressionable and naive. i have been so absolutely stupid these last few years, and even months, i can barely see.
i want to be one of those girls with an uncapturable heart, a thirst for any kind of love and for the blood of others, a thirst for… for just about anything. i want to hurt people and never care. i want to be aware of my power and wield it over others. i want to disappear. i want everything i believe in to disappear.
do you guys remember opposite day? that game was so fun. some jackass kid always took it way too far though, and ruined it for everyone. well, i miss opposite day. i wish today were opposite day.
if today were opposite day, i would have enough money to put gas in my car, the only person in the world who absolutely loves me and each quiver from my throat would not be someone i can’t talk to anymore, and my tits would point up.
if today were opposite day, that fourth paragraph would have any truth in it what-so-ever.
clearly the consumer concern over the emormous size of pringles chips has reached fever pitch. i say this because they have finally released pringles mini. i say this like i don’t wish i had some right now. i so fall for it when they make a product smaller or a different color. it’s sad. i miss crystal pepsi. i am old enough to remember when they first started making hawaiian punch in colors other than red. it was so exciting! i’m thinking that knowing my weakness makes it okay, but i don’t know, maybe i am fooling myself. last summer when NARS came out with the orgasm blush/laguna bronzer duo i HAD to buy it, even though i already have orgasm and laguna in their seperate packagings. ah the convenience! you will note that i almost never take my blush or bronzer to go, so really this was pointless, but look how cute they are together, aw! but seriously, if you wear these things and you don’t have either or these colors buy this. orgasm is hands down my favorite blush. i know it’s so typical, but it really does look good on everyone. it makes you look glowy, freshly-fucked and gorgeous. and laguna is the only shimmery bronzer i will use. all the others are way too flashy, but this is suble and the color is perfect. just fyi.
the other day i went to the 99 cent store in lincoln heights with albert. we walked the two blocks there, almost got hit by an SUV and saw the most gorgeous pitbull ever. she was white with ice blue eyes and her owner had named her guera. and he was selling her puppies, one of which was named casper. hahahaha. anyway, it was maybe one of the best trips to the 99 cent store ever. i was very impressed with this particular location’s stock of “what the fuck?” items. first, there was the handy nutrigrain bar tote you see here. i didn’t even notice the ritz cracker holder behind it, ha! then, there was this awesome piggy bank albert bought for danielle that has a backside that looks exactly like a boob. at the checkout line there was a display selling chapstick brand chapstick. it was a display from christmas time and there was a woman dressed like santa giving someone the gift of chapstick. this would be a fine gift for someone like myself, who lives on that shit, but i don’t think most people would appreciate that very much.
i love shopping, even at cheap stores. i get the fever. most of my friends hate shopping with me because i read all the labels and group things together to compare them over and over again and it takes forever. i may be a hopeless consumer, but at least i comparison shop, right? not right. i need to quit. well, i have been forced into not buying as many things since i am so utterly poor, but i still buy stuff i shouldn’t and i do miss spending my money on books and cds and makeup. now it all goes to gas and food and booze.
my personal favorite L word is “lipgloss,” but maybe that’s just me.
i just sat on cheryl’s couch for five hours catching up on my season 4 L Word. holy crap, this season was good! the finale is already on sunday, and i am actually pretty bummed. of course the whole concept and writing of the show is often questionable at best, but we lesbians, especially glamourous, fashionable l.a. lesbians, simply must see ourselves represented on-screen. we love us and can’t get enough. can you?
that’s what i thought.
*some very minor spoilers. if you are behind, DON’T READ or don’t blame me.
i had heard from many sources that this season was bad, but i just decided for myself and it’s good. there is WAY more sex than ever, for once some of the other characters besides alice are getting funny lines, and then there is the ever-funny alice. and shane’s boobs. and all the other boobs.
and then my friends, there is the face i will see and probably have a lil mental conversation with just before i fall asleep. that face belongs to the painfully hot daniela sea, who plays the pre-op female-to-male transgender character “max” on the show. at first i was like, “whatever” about the storyline, she’s HOT, but it actually appears that they are bringing up and addressing a lot of interesting issues with this character. obviously there is the whole gender thing, but also one of the episodes had this girl who was supposed to be from san fran talking to max about how there are no decent butches in l.a. SO TRUE. sux. and then, on this last episode, she totally seduces him, which is difficult because as a pre-op, he is not comfortable with his body. she eases him into it but saying “i want to suck your cock.” and “i want you to cum in my mouth.”
OMG, do you know how many times i have uttered those phrases to a woman? i thought that was just me. i have never felt more sexually validated in my life. if i need to sit here and explain to you why a girl would say that to another girl, you should go ask your mom if you are allowed to read my blog. jk, i know it sounds weird, but some girls really get off on it, and not necessarily because they wish they were men, but because it’s fun and exciting to take something everyone thinks is supposed to be a certain way and make it another. like when someone says to me, “wait, amanda, do you really want me to take your panties off then shove them in your mouth to keep you quiet?” and i’m all “yeah, right now.”
hahahaha. seriously.
anyway, max is sexy as hell. i’m looking forward to the season finale and what they are going to do with that whole “will he (get the operation) or won’t he.” my guess is cliffhanger. those bastards. i don’t know if i could ever persue a relationship with a trannie because obviously i love boobs, but i wish more girls looked like that. well fine, not all dykes can be gorgeous, hard-bodied studs with eyes the color of a vast, untamable sea, but i’m talking about the attitude as well. so far, good butches have been hard to find. i’m talking about girls who are butchy, but not cheesy style, and who like and appreciate girly girls and know how to treat them and what to say. ugh. it’s SO ANNOYING!
maybe i’m alone here, but i think i am special. i’m like a fucking unicorn for girls that like girly girls. the other day in the little joy this girl was all “how is it in any way conceivable that you are a lesbian?” i personally think that because i am a queer lady, everything i do is technically…. wait the video for stacey q “two of hearts” is on….
okay, back. wow, no offense but i dance to her song way better than she does. i have it choreographed perfectly and think about it all the time. that’s how gay i am.
anyway, blah blah blah, the points are a) the L Word is a highly entertaining show, b) daniela sea is the hottest woman alive, c) i will afford you with untold amounts of unnecessary 411 about my sex life or lack thereof, d) there is a shortage of good butches in l.a., and e) ciara’s new video “like a boy” is really gay
hot damn, i love staying at houses with cable! except when both channels are showing gwen stefani. that makes amanda-faye very sad
haha, yeah right, i always discuss everything. it’s my gift. but here is a list of things i actually really enjoy, but rarely talk about:
pickles, man are they good! i especially like the little tiny crunchy ones, not the sweet ones though.
getting to know someone new, sober.
ice cube, the rapper. he just seems like an interesting guy.
scented candles
ethiopian food
looking stuff up in the dictionary, even if i already know what it means
memorizing other people’s smells
capital “r”s
biting, hard
talking and laughing in bed
the no-frills shape of the state of colorado
japanese candy
anything grapefruit, except, oddly, grapefruits.
driving the 134 W, especially at sunset.
singing REALLY loud in my car.
pulling people’s hair
counting bricks
taking hour-long showers
meyer lemons
laying in the street at night
losing on purpose
winning
***********************
so anyway my brain is full of booze and tits, but i am coming back to earth. last night we went to the little joy and i actually had more fun than more not fun there. i don’t know if that has ever happened. i didn’t even walk in on anyone in the bathroom doing cheap, speedy blow. what a night! my new friend emily from seattle made me some gorgeous earrings that cheered me up so much. i have been bummed lately because i feel like everyone thinks i’m dumb. i am not dumb, i just don’t read enough anymore and i love to please too much. plus, i talk like a flaming gay man who has been huffing coco mademoiselle, but you know what, fuck it, that’s me. i’m going to start reading more and being more aware/involved in the outside world again, but i’m going to do it for myself. book and music suggestions are welcome, but you have to lend them to me because i am broke.
do you guys remember when having labia piercings was taboo and only for tacky people? i think that day is over. i don’t know about you, but i spent all day watching internet porn, and it appears to me that one would be hard-pressed to find a lady without a pierced va-jayjay. just sayin.
anyway i still have no money and no camera batteries. man, you guys are missing out on some great shit. i have drunk lesbians coming out of my ears right now, it rules! but i did get that restaurant hostess job, so i will be employed soon enough. one week. can’t wait. super excited.
semi-suicidal. i think my pain will be your gain though. the failure princess rides again!
just ignore me when i post sarcastic rantings. sarcasm is my favorite friend and i use it when i am angry, sad, hungry, sleepy, or horny. apparently, it is the lowest form of wit.
wah-wah.
anyhoo, keeping with my love for being informed and up to date on cool things that aren’t clothes, make-up, lesbian drama, or, well, my neverending pit of self-loathing:
last night emily and i went to go see el perro del mar at hotel cafe in hollywood. three great things happened.
1) we got to hang out for once, and alone at that.
2) we tried absolut pear and it was amazing! we had it with just plain soda water and it was a perfect, subtle hint of pear. new fav drink alert! i better get my gagging finger ready. gotta make room for more drinks.
3) el perro del mar played an encore, and i was really nervous because i had to do something…. something i’m not proud of and i don’t normally do. the ever-unpopular request shout out. i HAD TO! she played all my favs (pretty much the whole album) except my absolute favorite song. so when she reached the stage, some guy was all “play ‘i can’t talk about it’!!!” and i was all “COMING DOWN THE HILL!” and then she did. she played it! i was so happy! i think she did it just for me. emily does not.
here’s footage of her playing it NOT from last night. enjoy.
sometimes i wish i was smart. i wish i was smart so i could talk about interesting important things, be really fucking funny, and have everyone like me. and i mean, like, everyone i meet. i wish people would say, “that amanda-faye is so smart, cool, and funny! i totally want to be her friend, she’s just, wow, just really great.”
then i would have a bunch of friends who love me, be a totally awesome writer, and be able to hold a conversation with just about anyone i’ve been introduced to.
i remember the first time i ever saw the Carol Wright Gifts catalogue on my grandma’s front porch. i must have been like, ten or eleven. i happen to LOVE catalogues, obviously, since they combine two of my favorite pastimes: reading and consumerism. but nothing could have prepared me for the wonders that lay within Carol Wright… monogrammed doorstops, “fashion” house dresses for ladies, a boot scraper that sits on your porch and is shaped like a beaver. man alive! it was amazing. as i flipped through the pages, my eyes widening with every turn, i came across a first for me: the first vibrator i ever laid eyes on. it was called a “personal massager” and the woman in the picture was using it to innocently loosen the knots in her neck, but i knew something was up. the shape was… OH MY GOD, WHAT? they can send this kind of smut to your grandma’s house? this is an outrage, wait, lemme see it again. oh my god! hahaha wow. how great is that. the catalogue came pretty irregularly, but through the years i always enjoyed reading it, until finally i forgot about it completely. last summer my co-worker valerie at the salon brought one in. i almost pissed myself with excitement. on the cover were these sweet terry cloth rompers that are way cooler than the american apparel ones, and when i looked through it i discovered that they still had vibrators, but the whole section is now called “sexual aids” and it includes some pretty kinky shit. well, if you think vibrating cock rings are kinky, and i have a feeling most readers of this particular catalogue do. now that’s progress!
okay, so fast forward to this last fall. i was at my mom’s house and i saw a curious looking publication stuffed into the mailbox. the colorful items on the front and the saucy font led me to the conclusion that it was Carol Wright. my heart leapt with joy, but slowly i began to realize something was terribly wrong. this was was the Harriet Carter catalogue, not Carol Wright! i was pretty sure i had seen one before, so i read on. okay, so a lot of the stuff was pretty much the same. in my humble opinion, the product discriptions lacked the snappy sass of Carol Wright, but i was impressed by Harriet Carter’s slightly heavier paper and it’s user-friendly smaller size. as i put it down i thought, hmm, not the most satisfying read, but it did the job of distracting me from my utterly depressing life for fifteen minutes. it was then i realized, to my horror, that there were no vibrators in the Harriet Carter Distinctive Gifts catalogue! seriously, what is harriet thinking? how can she expect to compete with carol wright? i almost feel sorry for her, but man did she get her ass whooped. the Carol Wright Catalogue might be the first and/or only porn substitute some people get to see (sad) and they will undoubtedly cherish that and remain loyal to her for the rest of their lives. i know i will.
if looking good is the best revenge, then smiting my enemies has not been on the top of my list for quite some time now. i have let myself go. i haven’t been eating right or excercising, haven’t had a facial in over a year, and almost never lotion up my entire body and wrap myself in a thermo-moisturizing blanket for 45 minutes.
no more, i say! on top of it from now on.
the diet is going well. i have lost six pounds using only mild starvation and marathon fucking. it’s been wild. i don’t even know where my brain is, but i have a sneaking suspicion it’s somewhere… well, where the sun may or may not shine depending on local codes of decency in the state of california. i need to quit. last night i had the craziest dream that i was totally making out with one of my straightest, most platonic, non-lesbionic acquaintances. and it wasn’t half bad.
anyway, enough about me. well, not really. i just wanted to appologize for not posting too much right now. i have a lot of stuff on my mind. i have a lot of posts to write. i am going to soon.
and after that i am going to post and post every day like a good blogger who loves all her new readers and thanks! and with pics!
i lost my camera batteries at akbar so i can’t upload all of my recent photos of fun los angeles nightlife. oh don’t roll your eyes, jerks!
