rule #4

never lose too much weight. if you lose all this weight, then people who barely know you think they can come up to you and say "oh.my.god! you look GREAT. look how skinny you are. before, you were all fat, and gross and, like, unlovable, but now you look amazing! you look almost like a human being worthy of respect and dignity!!!"

then, when you inevitably gain some of that weight back, those people just walk by you, silently shaking their heads.

trust me, i know this. two years ago i was forty pounds heavier than i was last year, and a year ago i was ten pounds thinner than i am now. oh, let me tell you, what a mindfuck it was to suddenly be able to wear clothes that were in the "average" sizes. to walk into a clothing store and buy anything at all. i mean, most of my clothes are second-hand because i like it that way, but it was nice to have the option.

now that have gained some weight, i face losing that and i really don't know what to think. part of me wants to be like, "fuck those body fascists, i look hot!" but the other part is in a state of sheer panic and has already created a shopping list for the next grocery trip in her mind, consisting of 2 twelve packs of diet rite and a sack of cashews.

Comments

[rachel fucktard]

i know. i know. but don't buy cashews..... nuts have a lot of fat in them. i would stick to champagne and coke (the sniffable kind)..... otherwise known as the hollywood diet. works wonders.

[sarah mcdoppelganger]

ok, seriously. i'm not sure if i came out of your mom's vag or you came out of my dad's one (yes, he only has one; it doesn't make him any less of a man. he knocked up my mom more than twice.) vas deferen. but we are most definitely living parallel lives. except that i'm white. and gay.

let's just review my history, shall we? in a nutshell: lost 50 pounds in the course of a year and instantly became popular (well, semi-liked at least); gained back all but 10 pounds of it over the next several years; lost another 25 or so three years ago; currently hovering in the i-don't-really-need-to-worry-yet-but-maybe-i-should-start-soon category; found a husband! omg!!

i still sometimes forget that i'm not a fat person anymore. i am amazed every single time i go to a store and see that i can fit into "normal" sized clothes. i practically shit myself when i bought a pair of medium (stretch) culotte-thinggies from target. i still think that was some sort of label mix-up.

so, as you can see, the moral of the story is that if you work really hard and lose a lot of weight you can find a nice, jewish man and still be filled with irrational, neurotic thoughts about your perfectly lovely body.

the end.

[sarah mcdoppelganger]

i forgot to mention something which was kind of one the whole points of this self-indulgent "comment": that the 180 degree turn in attention which losing 50 pounds brought about (like, from being pretty much completely ignored to having a lot of people actually talk to me/want to be my friend/ask me out on dates) basically made me extremely bitter and cynical and hate all those superficial fuckwads with a passion.

and that's how i got to be the misanthropic sweetheart which i am today.

see? so everything always works out in the end.