Archive for February 16, 2007

i know “if you scared, go to church,” but what if what you scared of is church???

February 28, 2007 sex

Sthchur9 i was born and raised catholic. this means i was baptized, memorized all the essential prayers, attended catechism class, confessed my sins, made my first holy communion, and was forced to go to church every sunday of my childhood. i attended catholic school from grades 5-12 and made my confirmation sacrament, thereby deepening my commitment to the church. the seven sacraments of the catholic church are: baptism, eucharist (communion), reconciliation (confession), confirmation, marriage, holy orders, and anointing of the sick.

if you can’t see how my completion of this path is going to be problematic, please read on.

there are many reasons i stopped going to church. there is the whole guilt and shame thing. then there’s the anti-choice and anti-gay/gay marriage thing. oh, and the hypocrisy thing. but all that is somewhat arbitrary if you ask me because there are parishes out there that are at least somewhat more tolerant and joyful. once i let my mom drag me to her parish in boyle heights and i saw a bunch of teenagers there, one of which was a cute little baby dyke with a rainbow patch on her backpack, and my years in all-girls catholic high school were almost too liberal. it was amazing.

the main reason i can’t go to church is that it bores the everliving fuck out of me. as soon as i step into a church, any church, i break into a fit of uncontrollable yawning. i am not trying to be funny, i am dead serious. it is extremely embarrassing.

it’s not the praying or the singing i mind. in fact, i like those parts. i like automatically knowing what to say in unison with everyone else. it’s sort of creepy, but sort of cool too. your whole life, you have been memorizing the exact same words as the girl sitting next to you in church, and here you are, both wearing your nicest clothes that aren’t too slutty, speaking the same words, knowing when to kneel, how many times to cross your heart.

the ceremony is just really long, i guess. and it’s hard when you just don’t know… if you really believe. i just don’t know. i do the sign of the cross each night, if i remember, or when i go on an airplane, or pass by a car accident, but why? i thank god at times and curse him at others, but is he listening?

was it god who gave me my family, words i love, and kitty cats? was it the hand of god that struck down my christian dior sunglasses, because i swear, they were nowhere anyone could even touch them, and i certainly didn’t do it!Img_2048_1 i suppose i may never know. i can say, “yeah, i don’t believe that crap!” all i want, but right afterwards you’ll catch me looking skyward, giving the good lord the old “j/k!” face. plus, i don’t happen to think that hardcore religious people and hardcore atheists are all that different.

whatever it all means, growing up catholic has definitely enriched my life. i learned a lot about love, forgiveness, and tolerance from the teachings of jesus, am really good at memorizing words, and know some interesting bible trivia, which is great at parties.

also, i get to know about stuff like the seven sacraments. the sacraments are neccessary for salvation. marriage and holy orders are the sacraments of vocation, marriage being obvious and holy orders being a man becoming a priest or deacon, and a woman becoming a nun. it’s kind of an either/or thing, except with deacons, i think they can marry. recently, i heard that one of my best friends from jr. high is becoming a nun. this is such a huge trip. she is the person i spent hours talking about what our “first time” with a boy would be like and how the idea of not having pre-marital sex was waaay out of date when we were thirteen. now she is gonna be a cloister nun, and as it turns out, my first time involved zero boys, four breasts, two fingers, and three spankings.

life is weird.

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p.s. to punk as fuck

February 27, 2007 uncategorized

being mean to other girls and fighting over boys is essentially what punk is all about, RIGHT? wait, what? it’s not? oh, then the video for avril lavigne’s new single “girlfriend” is the worst thing i have ever seen in my life, even for her. the lyrics suck worse than any song ever. this is from someone who secretly emo-s out to her “my happy ending.” man, that song is so deep… anyway, don’t hate me, i’m just the messenger.

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punk as fuck

February 27, 2007 clothes & fashion

on saturday night i was walking into a warehouse party in downtown l.a. with cheryl. we walked by some girls who were walking out and overheard one of them on the phone saying “um, we were just at this like, punk/skater party…” and we chuckled because we have been to that warehouse many times and know the guy who lives there. his friends are skaters, but most of his parties have been more of like “hipster” parties than punk, and these girls looked really young and kind of neo-goth, so we assumed they just had no idea what they were talking about,

well, we were mistaken my friends! this party WAS a punk party. the bands that were playing were punk bands (i guess, i don’t really know what that fucking means. it was loud and fast and the kids were a-moshin’) and the kids there were mostly “punks” with a few hipsters and the ever popular punksters (pipsters? hunks?). now, when i say “kids,” i’m not just being condescending here. most of them could not have been over 21-22 and a lot of them looked like they could have been 17-19. it’s hard for me to tell now because my eyes are so old. when i look in the mirror i think i look about 14 years old, so who knows.

anyway, i was checking these kids out and thinking, man, things are too easy for them. in my day, if you wanted to find anything cool to wear, you had to scour the alhambra salvation army, risking life and limb and the possibility of touching old man urine. with no dressing room. nowForever21_dress these girls just march right down to forever 21, pick out something with stripes and some flimsy aviator shades and call it a day. of course, i’m not saying in some ways that’s not progress. i don’t have a problem with the masses dressing better, in general. it’s just that when things look like watered-down versions of things that might be cool, i find it irksome. it’s not that it doesn’t look good, it just could look better.

i don’t know, it’s hard to explain. for me, fashion is a constant balance between looking effortless and discriminating. my thought process would be “okay, stripes, i like. shirt dress, check. the gathered front, very cute and sexy. but wait, something is wrong. does it look cheap? i mean, i like cheap, but will it make me look cheap? as if i put no effort into this, as if i bought it off a beach-bum in venice?” and the answer would be yes. even cute boots could not help this dress. it looks too mass-produced. i would not like everyone to know where i got my clothes. not that everything has to be one of a kind, but it should ideally look like it might be. unless you actually are going to the beach. or to bed.

plus, like i said, i know nothing really about punk, but i know this is not punk. the reason i am targeting the girls is not because i’m being catty, but because it seems that even among the young kids, hipsters and punks alike, the boys seem to get it right more easily. i mean, i have seen some pretty scary outfits on the hipster boys, but the amount of them who are dressing well seems to outnumber the girls. and it is no different with the punks. the boys keep it real with skinny jeans and a hoodie, but the girls are wearing the above dress. again, not dissing the dress, just the sentiment. it was weird seeing what looked like a huge pack of mall girls in the smoky, sweaty, punk music-blasting warehouse. and the accessories… and shoes… i am an old fart. my heyday has passed, i suppose. there was a time when i would literally not be caught dead in Forever 21 and i would only enter Urban Outfitters in an elaborate disguise. now, my favorite jeans are F21 and my favorite lampshade is from U.O. but that’s just cause i am poor.

Hot_topic_bag

NOT punk just because it is cheap and “distressed”.

Dior_bag_1

actually almost MORE punk b/c it is subversively expensive.

Cvs_bag

punk as fuck.

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pinkberry? sounds like porn to me.

February 26, 2007 if you ask me...

if you ask me, sometimes bad things are good omens. i have found that when i think positively things usually go wrong, but when i expect the worst, things often turn out just fine. or go wrong. so my odds here are either 100% or 50/50, and i’ll take 50/50 any day.

sorry i have not been updating this weekend. today is my birthday.

dunno what i want to do tonight, but i have yet to try pinkberry frozen yogurt so maybe i will go there.this is all pre-hardcore diet, mind you.
Pinkberry_nyc_restaurant_g

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a little letter to god

February 23, 2007 family

dear god,

so, it is becoming increasingly clear that what you have in store is for me to become exactly like my mother.

in general, i don’t really have a problem with this. i love my mom. she is funny, kind, and extremely popular at parties.

i do, however, have one request: if i am to become exactly like her, which incidentally includes being absolutely bat-shit crazy, can it please wait a few years?

all i ask is for ten more years of relative sanity, lord, before i become a raging neurotic.

i don’t think that sounds like too much to ask. i went to catholic school for eight years, getting fear and shame down to a science, and applying that in my daily life. plus, i don’t wanna say you “owe me” anything, but what gives with my disproportionately large upper arms?

thank you, btw, for blessing me with a big, wonderful, fun, warm, caring family whom i love unconditionally. except when i’m PMSing or they call me before noon.

your loving, however gay and fornicating friend,

amanda-faye

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rule #4

February 22, 2007 super-important rules

never lose too much weight. if you lose all this weight, then people who barely know you think they can come up to you and say “oh.my.god! you look GREAT. look how skinny you are. before, you were all fat, and gross and, like, unlovable, but now you look amazing! you look almost like a human being worthy of respect and dignity!!!”

then, when you inevitably gain some of that weight back, those people just walk by you, silently shaking their heads.

trust me, i know this. two years ago i was forty pounds heavier than i was last year, and a year ago i was ten pounds thinner than i am now. oh, let me tell you, what a mindfuck it was to suddenly be able to wear clothes that were in the “average” sizes. to walk into a clothing store and buy anything at all. i mean, most of my clothes are second-hand because i like it that way, but it was nice to have the option.

now that have gained some weight, i face losing that and i really don’t know what to think. part of me wants to be like, “fuck those body fascists, i look hot!” but the other part is in a state of sheer panic and has already created a shopping list for the next grocery trip in her mind, consisting of 2 twelve packs of diet rite and a sack of cashews.

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me, myself, and XXX

February 21, 2007 sex

haters will keep on hating, but i think it kind of rules how self-indulgent stars such as oprah or tyra banks are. if old age has taught me anything, it’s that you have to cling desperately to any affirmation of your self-worth, because it could all be gone in the blink of an un-blepharoplastied eye!250_o_oprah_magazine lord knows if i had my own magazine i would be on every cover too! but i guess i’d try to make it more interesting and/or comedic. and if i ever scored an inteview with oprah, i would decide to put her on the cover, sitting calmly on a floral couch with one of her dogs, but then right as the photog was about to snap, i would dive head-first across the frame, wearing the same bikini Tyrabanksnewsibikini01_1tyra banks wore in her re-creation photoshoot of her original photoshoot for her first sports illustrated cover. only, much like trya, i would have to have the bikini modified slighty for my body. this really means that i will be wearing one of those auto-mechanic jumpsuits, except made of red and white polka dot material.

i happen to find tyra endlessly entertaining. i don’t think she’s hate-able at all. firstly, she brought us America’s Next Top Model, which i honestly think might have cured me of my curiousity to try heroin. who needs that high when you have screaming, underweight teens at each other throats every week? secondly, there is an almost, well, a vulnerability about her. yes, she acts like she thinks her shit doesn’t stink, but i think you can just tell she doesn’t really think that. i love her antics on ANTM, like beginning the judging segments with a picture of herself doing whatever photoshoot the girls have to do that week, the dramatic way she annunciates, and when she flips out and gets all angry or emotional. i think it’s funny. maybe it’s not supposed to be funny, but neither is 90% of what i say when i’m drunk and sad, but people just yuk it up, don’t they?

hey, oh, and the other day i tried to watch her show because she was interviewing porn star (link NSFW) sasha grey, who is only eighteen and becoming a big name in the industry because of her age and willingness to do almost ANYTHING. while i agree that is is pretty disturbing that such a young person would seemingly be so gung-ho about specializing in gangbangs, anal, and “watersports,” i have to say, i personally choose to support female sex workers. i don’t agree with sitting in judgement of them. supposedly, statistics say that a huge percentage of these women have been sexually abused, and i think it’s important to investigate and get to the bottom of this, but i don’t think anyone has the right to tell them how to feel or what to do with their bodies, beyond urging them to seek emotional counseling (which is something we should all seek, duh. therapy rules).

anyway, it was very embarrassing to watch tyra lay into sasha, lecturing her, and telling her she MUST have been abused even though sasha denies this. i don’t know, it’s a tricky question. i wouldn’t want my little sister or best friend to be doing that, but the girl is an adult and this industry is legal. here is a link to sasha’s take on the interview on her myspace blog.

whoa, where is this post going? i suppose the moral of the story is, i love over-indulgence of self, really love porn, and really, really wanna get my eyelids done.

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won’t you take me to… shoppingtown?

February 20, 2007 beauty, clothes & fashion, reviews

B000666bvu01a1e5xtdsav2esc_scmzzzzzzz_ i have more lip gloss than god. this is true even if god is a drag queen, as i sincerely hope. i always get really excited at bright pinks and reds, but really it’s nudes that look the best, if you know how to pick them. my favorite is stila banana lip glaze because it is the perfect shade of beige, the perfect opacity to show up but not look chalky, nice and sticky-shiny, and smells like delicious ba-nay-nays. plus you can put it on with one hand if you got the skills, due to the click-pen dispenser. i used to get really worried that i bought way too many beigey lipsticks and lipglosses and i’d say to emily when we went makeup shopping, “em, do not let me buy any nudes!” in turn, i wasn’t supposed to let her buy any more green eyeshadows, but it never worked cause we are both enablers.

well, now i think nude lipglosses are like nipple hickeys: you can never really have too many, and even if you do, very few people will know the difference. hold on, did that make sense?

anyways, today i went to H&M in two different cities. it was kind of embarrassing, except only to me. first i went with cheryl to the one in pasadena after we had lunch. i was only slightly paying attention because i am broke, but the clothes looked okay. then, i went with jenny to the one in the santa anita mall, no, i mean, the “Westfield Shoppingtown Santa Anita.” i can’t get used to calling it that. you’d think i B00000055m01lzzzzzzz
would go crazy over something called a “shoppingtown” but i find it unsettling. anyway, most of the clothes except the basics at that H&M sucked and the jeans were lame. plus the music made me upset. i just don’t understand that screamo-pop crap. i am no music snob, but i just can’t listen to that. it doesn’t make me want to buy stuff, either. if i think a top is sort of cute, my mind would definitely be more swayed to purchase it if the store was blasting, say, “bump & grind” by r. kelly. it would make me feel sexy and the lyrics would creep into my thoughts. “i don’t see nothin’ wrrrong, with usin’ my credit caaard…” see?

god, i am so starting a diet this week. my birthday is in six days, and i am going to lose at least three pounds. good thing there are three tin troughs of louise’s pasta and bread in my fridge left over from our family party on sunday. sweet.

oh, by the way, i figured out the secret of why this birthday feels so right. my birthday is on the 26th, and i am turning twenty-six! that only happens once in a lifetime. how exciting. i’m going to celebrate by nearly starving myself in the days before my birthday party, then drinking way too much on an empty stomach at said party, and puking a little on my pillow! wait, no, that’s what i did last year. better think of something new and different. i’ll be hard pressed to top that, but i have to try, right?

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jump

February 17, 2007 if you ask me...

if you ask me, night time is way better than day time. late at night, you can go out without sunscreen, drive from east l.a. to santa monica in like, twenty minutes, and you can throw your legs over the ledge of a tall building and wonder, “why hasn’t god taken me yet? what have i ever given to this life?” as tears sting your cheeks and the winter-cracked skin of your balled fists.

haha, omg, jk. i am totally not suicidal right now. it’s like, you know how when you have to pee really really bad, you think about what it felt like to not have to pee and curse yourself for taking that feeling for granted? well, i have to pee ALL THE TIME, so really i almost notice more when i don’t have to pee. same for thoughts of suicide. i woke up the other morning and realized, oh my god, i don’t want to kill myself right now. and today, i still don’t want to kill myself! i’m not happy or anything, so don’t get any ideas. just not currently praying for a swift and painless death. hmm. who knew?

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twenty-sssexy

February 16, 2007 clothes & fashion

my new favorite person ever is amy winehouse. her voice is really amazing Amywinehouse_1and she is a british tabloid fave. i’m not sure if i am going to like her whole cd when it comes out in the u.s., but i love the song “rehab.” also, her hair is fun. her style is a little questionable, it’s true, but she gets a pass for being english and for being so badass. life isn’t fair, is it?

Th_t in other news, my babydaddy, T.I., won a grammy for best solo rap performance with “what you know” and another one for “my love” with justin. nice work. why won’t T.I. ever love me? i know what you are thinking “but amanda-faye, many of your previous posts have led us to believe that you are a raging lezzer! what gives?” well, dear reader, yes, i love the ladies, but i also love gorgeous black men, preferably of the hip-hop persuasion. the heart wants what it wants, and mine wants adult women that look kind of like young boys, but it also wants rappers. what you know about that?

haha, a couple of years ago, i went to NYC with my fam. my cousin miranda and i had this inside joke about al roker being my babydaddy and then the truth came out that conan o’brien is my babydaddy. so that year for my birthday she made me this awesome t-shirt with a sharpie that said “Conan O’Brien…” on the front and “My Babydaddy” on the back. the font and crescent moon logo design were an almost flawless reproduction. well done. but then i went and cut off the collar, which was the style of the time (damn you, official eighties revival!) and ruined it. this is because no matter what the trend is, it never looks good on me. that’s the real reason why i am such a fashion trailblazer. i would be a follower if i could, but i can’t. when i wear a deconstructed tee, it doesn’t look cool or edgy, it looks like i recently transformed into the incredible hulk then changed back and didn’t have time to go home and put on a new shirt. sad.

3546727001 so you see, it might be okay for girls to wear lederhosen in the year 2007, but you won’t catch me in them. i will be sticking to my granny dresses with obscene amounts of cleavage. the classics. in exactly 10 days, i am going to be 26 years-old. since i turned 18, my annual tradition around this time has been to drink a whole bottle of wine (okay, fine, it was boone’s farm for the first few years there) and soak the pages of my journal in bitter tears. but this year, i don’t feel so bad. why is this? this is the oldest i have ever been and lord knows my fear of aging has not subsided. i think maybe the terror of turning 25 was so great, and 27 looms ahead so ominously, that 26 is some kind of safety zone. okay, good news. this is going to be a good year.

“how old are you, amanda-faye”

“me? oh, i’m twenty-sssexy.”

nice. sad. nice!

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