Archive for January 3, 2007

the fat leading the blind

so i’m on craigslist for the last THREE HOURS perusing jobs when i finally find a hostess job that doesn’t require prior experience, admits to being easy, and pays $10/h plus tips that claims to add up to about $20/h, and then it’s like “applicant must send photo with resume and be comfortable wearing a girls’ baby t-shirt.” aw, fuck. what the hell is wrong with this town? i should send a pic of myself wearing this:41722523_150x150_front_colorpinksalmonjp

my new sourse of bitterness is beauty and the geek. i never watch that show because i… well, i don’t want to, so forgive me if i’m a little off here, but it seems to me that the point is that the viewer is supposed to make fun of the “beauties” (i use the term loosely, as i feel that sporting extensions and/or 507303804
frosty lipstick automatically calls this trait into question, especially if it’s Revlon *shudder*) for being stupid and the “geeks” for being… smart… (haha, what a dumbass, he’s SMART, hahahahahaha. huh?) and lacking in social skills. wait, but then, toward the end, you realize that the beauties are solid gold because they have brought the geeks out of their shell and shown them how to have a good time, and the geeks are so grateful for this, that they can see past the glowing white teeth, the smooth, luminous skin, the perky breasts, and develop an affection for these women, in spite of all their faults. wow, that’s really great. what we have learned here is the classic tale whispered into our sweet ears from the time we were only little girls: “it doesn’t matter how smart you are, as long as you are pretty. and just for the record, the man you choose doesn’t have to be attractive at all, as long as you are. did i mention you will die alone otherwise? goodnight, princess!”

please god, WHY? why is this boring old tale supposed to warm our hearts? this show is for people that cried watching “shallow hal.”

now, if you will excuse me, i am going to go put on my “i had a nightmare i was a brunette” belly shirt and smoke a cigarette in the rain.

dancing hams

okay, so i went to ONE party. but i was only there for 2.5 hours. it was a really fun 2.5 hours though. definitely a positive start this year. except i’m still sick.

so i am in desperate need of a new job. i love all my co-workers and whatnot, but i don’t want to do hair anymore, therefore being a hair assistant is wearing me down. someday being on the floor as a stylist is the whole point of living through the humiliation of washing and sweeping hair for a living, being at someone’s beck and call and having to be nice to people that half the time won’t even look at you. for example, let’s just call this one client “misa.” she has one of the worst nose jobs i have ever seen, practically no hair and what hair she does have is so thrashed that a homeless drag queen wouldn’t even make a wig out of it. her spray tan makes her look like a fuckin honeybaked ham, and she is just NOT nice.A_bakedhamhag yet i have to be nice to her, even though whenever i say something to her (such as “can i get you something to drink?” or any of the other brilliant conversation starters i have up my sleeve for the day-to-day) she does that thing i thought was only in movies where the person pauses, cocks their head as if to ask “did i just hear something?” and continues talking or goes back to her magazine. yes, folks, this is my life.

i’m trying to make a fresh start in the new year and a new job would be ideal. i don’t know, i wish i was young and fit so i could try to be a dancer. i think i’m a pretty good dancer. well, i like dancing and i don’t care about looking stupid, and those are the keys to being a good dancer, i think. on new years eve the party i went to was filled with a bunch of artsy hipster types and they were doing this dance… i don’t know how to discribe it… it was like a mix of the twist, the funky chicken, and the robot. and the napoleon dynamite dance, but maybe i just thought of him cause they were all wearing boots or 80s high-tops. anyway, i thought it looked pretty cool, so i tried to do it, but i couldn’t! i literally have TOO MUCH rhythm to do this dance. and i don’t even have that much rhythm. it was so uncool. i haven’t been this humiliated since my little cousin tried to teach me how to Lean and Rock!

anyway, speaking of hams, my legs are starting to get bigger. this is not good news, as i am am generally top heavy. this means the fitness plan has to kick into high-gear NOW!

tomorrow, i mean.